Dearest James,

2010-09-20T22:45:00.000-04:00

I MISS YOU! 


~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

Drunk irish woman made me think if you!

2010-09-02T08:39:00.001-04:00

Hey, so I'm am walking around 205th street in the around the irish
pubs and there are lots of drunk people walking around. Then there's
this one woman, who's gotta be Irish not cuz she's drunk but she's got
the four Leaf clover earrings on and an Irish tee shirt. And I guess
se was talking to her drink friend that passed by and asked her if her
other friend was still and the bar. But he woman ignored her. And
she got mad and started cussin her out and called her, not sure if by
drunkedness or that's just the way It goes, but called her a
"saminabeech". And I laughed so hard and had tears in my eyes at the
same time. Thanks alot you, "saminabeech".

Hearts Always
~ Kamela

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

I'm Bored

2010-08-30T16:28:00.001-04:00

James

I’m sitting here at work bored out my damn mind seriously.

It’s not the same without you at this darn place

I’m sitting here thinking about cheese cake

Anyway I speak to you later

Love you Much

***Manta**xoxoxox

James Boo

2010-08-13T15:57:00.001-04:00

Just sitting here thinking about you. I miss you so much James. I’ve became really cool with Nkosane, You never told me how insane he is. Now I know how ya’ll became the best of friends. My Jordyn is getting big, Man I wish you were her to see her. She’s a hot mess. I think about your family all the time. I miss them as well.

James you were the brother I never had, the best friend I never had. Just wanted to say I miss you and I will never forget you.

Love Always **Manta”

=(

2010-08-13T06:56:00.001-04:00

Hey, these dreams are killing me.
They hurt so much and leave me empty.
I don't wanna be sad anymore, but I miss
you in my life.
I miss you're craziness and you're sweetness.
I kiss you warmth and you coldness. It's all the same.
This is hard. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to fight
in my head. I do feel nutso sometimes....
Love you always Kamela

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

Dreams, damn those dreams!

2010-08-10T06:59:00.001-04:00

Will you hide in the creavices of my mind forever? I am aware that I
will never be able to forget you. I am ok with that. But it makes me
take a step back when the dreams I dream feel so real, when I am mid
sleep and wake and feel you are still here. The worst part is when I
am waking and slowly realize that you are gone. The pain, the whole in
my heart, becomes strong as I slip out of consiousness.
When will the dreams end? I can't take them when they tell me you are
real or when they make me feel that I can reach You in that state,
between my dreaming and waking. It feels so real and then when I wake,
I feel the devil laughing at me, because I fell for it. I thought it
was real. I thought you were here, on this earth. I thought the times
when I think of you would get easier. I thought the pain would feel
less like a punch in the stomach. I miss you so much. Am I still
grieving two years later. I never was good with goodbyes and you never
believed in them...<3

~love always and forever
kamela

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

Wednesdays

2010-07-14T07:25:00.001-04:00

James. James. James.
I miss you.
Don't know when this pain will relief itself.
I just tell myself that you've moved on with your life
And you'll give me a call when you get a chance.
I'll be here when your ready, just like old times.
Just keep an eye on me, k.

Love Always always
Kamela

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

2010-06-20T10:14:00.001-04:00

It's has been while since I wrote anything on here... I guess that's probably because sometimes it's hard to believe you aren't here

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday

Love ya, miss you buddy.

--
Erin

<3

2010-06-20T09:47:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday...
miss you...

~Kamela

=(

2010-06-10T16:59:00.001-04:00

Two years later...
it's still just as hard as two years ago...
miss you....

OXOXO
~Kamela

2010-06-07T15:39:00.001-04:00

I just wanted to let you know that I love mushrooms now...

~Kamela

Good Morning James

2010-06-03T11:16:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking about you a lot these last few days. I mean you cross my mind daily but these last few days it has been heavy. Man I wish you were here, I want to tell you so much. You will never guess what’s happened.. I know you would have laughed your heart out about this one. Just wanted to say hello and I miss you. Jordyn is getting big. Her first word was “Da Da” of course. Damn ! I was about to say “I will give you a call later”. I mean I will write to you a little later

Oh guess who me and Toni saw it BBQ’s last week? Greg Nice, I wanted to say something to him. All I was thinking that if you were here you would have bust out with a ole school song of his. I was laughing my heart out just imagining the craziness you would have done if you were with us.

Love Ya **Manta**

.........

2010-05-23T15:56:00.001-04:00

I write less.
It doesn't mean I think less.

oxoxo
~Kamela

stomachache

2010-05-05T23:33:00.001-04:00

i hate May.

<3

2010-04-30T18:22:00.001-04:00

it doesn't seem real
were you even really here?
are you really gone?
this space time continuum is freaking
me the hell out. how does life just gone...
i miss you in the summer. summer makes me
think of you.
i found my derek jeter baseball mitt.
lol gonna throw the ball around...
i know ive for issues...
miss you.....

--

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

=(

2010-04-27T19:52:00.001-04:00

I miss you.

~Kamela

lost...

2010-03-30T21:05:00.001-04:00

James....

I dreamt of you last night...in my dreams I was so so happy to see you,
You came back!
I gave you the biggest hug. We talked and then...
I lost you...and I couldn't find you...
it was the worst feeling....It hurt so much when I couldn't find you...
then I woke up and the feeling that I lost one of the most important
people in my life....I feel so so so lost .
At times it stuns me that you're gone....

Love,
~Kamela

So...

2010-03-11T14:42:00.000-05:00

So James like was is the problem? I haven’t seen you in my dream in a while. What? your bitch ass aint speaking to me. LOL.

Dear James,

I don’t know what to say. But I really miss you. I went to a bridal shower the other day and they were playing old school love songs. I was laughing to myself because I could have seen your reaction to those songs if you were here. Man.. Let me tell you, Jordyn is now 7 months she will be 8 months on the 19^th. James my daughter is funny. I can’t wait until she starts talking. So many thoughts of you everyday. I can’t lie sometimes I try to block them out so I wont feel pain. To be honest, I think that’s what I have been doing all this time, Just blocking it all out.

So do you think I should get Jordyn a tee-shirt that says “My uncle James is Irish” I really going to refrain from the word “was”. I think people will get a kick out if it.

Well anyway, there’s so much I want to say at the moment, but I’m at work. So I will come back later. Love You!

**Manta**

what was Monday, April 7th...?

2010-03-02T13:09:00.002-05:00

so, we moved. again. i know. you would have told me to settle already. just like you did when i was serial dating, and you were worried about why i wasnt willing to put any roots down. i did. we did. you would have yelled at me. "you have too much shit, Zaida. what the fuck do you need all this stuff for?"

i just remembered right now at this second the little jar of lip balm that you kept with jordyn's tiny little finger print in it. you wouldnt let anybody use it and you showed it to me a thousand times and i said, youre going to waste that whole jar of good balm for a little fingerprint?

now i get it.

last night was the first night that all of our stuff was in the new apartment. even though ive been here with the babies for three weeks, it didnt feel final until the last box was brought in.

i dreamt with you, of course. dont want to forget a thing, even while our real life memories are starting to slowly fade.

we were shopping for stuff for the new place in a warehouse costco type store. you were telling me all about all the things ive missed, all the things youve seen that nobody else can. most of your stories started with, "you're not gonna believe this shit," and you were hyped. like you knew something amazing that nobody else did but we needed to see it to believe it.

but the one thing that i remembered clearly is how you kept saying over and over was that we needed to come stay a week with you starting Monday, April 7th.

"come on, Zaida, we'll have a great time and you'll get to meet the kids." you were insistent, it needed to be Monday, April 7th. i kept giving you excuses why i couldnt. the usual.

never mind that is the twins birthday week (born April 10th, 2009) i didnt remember that part in the dream so i didnt tell you.

i woke up hyperventilating and started tweeting.

my head is still spinning.

i have a huge stomachache.

it's almost two years.

xoZaidaox

2010-02-03T21:43:00.001-05:00

Hey there...
you've been on my mind alot lately....
i miss you = (
thats all....
~ <3 kamela

WhiteSpace

2010-01-31T17:37:00.001-05:00

eventually i have to deal with the fact that you are not coming back.

period.

no matter how fucking hard this is without my best friend.

i look at the kids and cant help but think of you.

your pictures next to my calendar.

there are promises that i made to you, and im trying my best to keep them.

http://manhattanspeak.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/whitespace/

xoZaidaox

miss you....love you.....

2010-01-30T12:35:00.001-05:00

My dearest James,

I miss you so much.
I miss your presence, your humanity in my life.
I miss telling you my good news and you
saying how much I deserve happiness and
goodness and me thinking I never did.
I've been good at only thinking of the good times with
you and not about you being here.
My weakest moments bring me here.
I haven't been here in a while because
I was focused on not being sad that you are gone.
But my heart still hurts, the way it always did.
You were one of the best people in my life!!!!!
And still hold that place. I now know why I haven't allowed
myself to cry in a long time, bc when the tears come they dont
stop. My dearest James. I miss you. My heart aches.
But because you taught me how to be strong, that is what
and who I'll be strong! the way you were...

Love always, always, always, always
~Kamela

Visit...

2009-12-17T18:13:00.001-05:00

~Hi, so I went to visit you today.
It was really cold and absolutely
beautiful. The sun was setting.
I saw your name there and I felt
my heart break again. A year has gone
by and in random places, it hits me that your
gone.
That you're not coming back.
It was hard to be there for you,
seeing your name. My tears froze
in the cold air. I felt a knot in my stomach.
I brought flowers. I know you liked them.
They were purple and blue and one white rose.
I am glad that I gave you flowers when we
were dating bc it's not weird now. =)
It was as if I was seeing someone else's name
there. It could not have been you. Because you and
I were suppose to torture each other forever!! But I guess
you'll be the one doing the torturing
I'll visit again and talk to you always~

I miss you and love you,
~Kamela

Thankful...

2009-11-26T12:34:00.001-05:00

I am thankful for you.
To know and have known
a sweet wonderful you.

I've called my loved ones and
sent wishes to them.
Sent my friends crazy
mass text messages telling them
how wonderful they are to me,
through my good days and bad days.

Missing you today
~Kamela
Hearts....

My James Moments....

2009-11-23T22:46:00.001-05:00

I'm in one of my "James moments"
thought of you....smiled and automatically
reached for my phone....I'm getting a little
better at not falling to pieces, when
I think of you...now I try to smile and remind
myself how lucky, lucky and blessed I was to know you.
To Love you.
To share quiet times with you. You were and
still are so important to me. I know that you
knew it and I am glad that you knew it.
You are missed greatly in my house.
Peter jokes about you and "roti" and
he does your roti dance =)
My mom is still somber when we mention
you. You were her favorite even when you and
I were on and off and on and off and on and off
and on and off again. lol She always has good thoughts
of you. Kim missed you dearly!!!!!! She misses her guy
friend. I miss you protecting her.
We miss you James. And never do we forget you.
Hearts. Hearts. Hearts
Love,
Kamela

Hello.

2009-11-12T13:46:00.001-05:00

James,

Hey. Hello. Hi.
You are present right now for me.
And I miss you.
Really wish I we could talk.
If just a
Hello.
Life continues on in the same fashion.
With you still in my thoughts.
I have trouble letting go of good things.
Always have.
You were a good thing.
You were inspiring.
You continue to inspire me.
You believed in everyone and all things good.
I take you everywhere I go.
You are, were and continue to be a great, big part of me.
I talk of you fondly. I speak of your great heart.
I describe your kind eyes.
Your bratty moments make me laugh. Boy could you be a brat.
Ha ha ha.
You see I do laugh. I miss you.
I know I am not the only one who misses you and I wish I could
take away the missing you from everyone else cause I know it doesn't
feel good.
But you continue to make me smile, you Goon!
I watch the video Zaida put up often and laugh and feel you here for that
(1:18) minute and eighteen seconds. Feels like a life flash by.
I've doing a lot of good stuff.
Stuff you would be very happy to know about.
To hear about.
I hear you in my head when I feel I can't do something.
You say that I can be anything and do anything.
Then you go on the describe the dumbest people you've come
in contact with and say if they can, so can I! lol. Yeah, thanks for
the encouragement.

Hello.
Talk to ya lata.
Love you.
Always.
Kamela.

.........

2009-11-06T11:27:00.001-05:00

I dreamt of you last night....

I was a great dream but as usual in the dream I come to
realize it's just that a dream, and you're missing in our lives.
WOW, this stings. I never could have imagined I would
have to deal with such an intense loss this early on in life.
It hurts. I've got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes
and a great big headache....
I miss you as always....

Can''t wait till it hurts less...

Love,
~Kamela

Game One misses you...

2009-10-28T18:41:00.001-04:00

I slept last night. tossed and turned.
You were in my dreams. You called me.
and things were the usual. But I felt through my dreams that it was
just a dream and my heart started to hurt. I didn't want to wake up
because I was able to talk to you and was so great to hear your voice.
I still think that you will call me.
This is devastating, you do know that right?!?! Will this hole ever be filled?
Never would have I imagined such days that would extract you from mine.
You are, you were my pal. The one person in the world that I could call at
any old awkward moment, you might pretend to be annoyed but ten seconds
later I would hear you smile.

Well, it's October baseball. And I know that you would be doing voodoo against
Derek Jeter and wishing them illnesses and broken limbs. lol
Tonight's Game One of the 2009 World Series...

I'll talk you to later...

Love,
~Kamela

little things

2009-10-19T13:31:00.001-04:00

Hey James,

I miss you!
I just wanted to call you and tell you that Monica's got a new album "Still Standing"
and I can't. It really hurts. I can't get over how much we called each other for the
silliest and littlest things. It's like we didn't want to miss any part of each other's
life. You know, I still continue our tradition of closing down places we love to eat!
lol. There have been at least 5 places that I love and there are now closed. I still
can't forgot how much we paid for the silk chocolate pie. We did love to eat!!

Well, this is me just saying hello.

Love,
~Kamela

"Love, Mommy"

2009-10-13T21:02:00.000-04:00

http://mommy-firstborn.blogspot.com

xoxo,
Z

First Born

2009-10-13T20:32:00.001-04:00

mommy has sent you a link to a blog:

Blog: First Born
Link: http://mommy-firstborn.blogspot.com/2009/10/to-my-first-born-i-have-been-reading.html

--
Powered by Blogger
http://www.blogger.com/

....

2009-10-10T12:46:00.001-04:00

It's weird cuz I think you've been following me around lately =/
And I know it's you cuz I feel you. Last night I was in a bookstore
and I moved in because I felt someone brush by me. I turned to look
and I was the only person in the room!! It happened three times this
week. So what's the deal??? lol
--

~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!

in response to zaida....

2009-09-29T12:06:00.001-04:00

It's been hard to breathe lately. i look at his pic that I have in my room and my hearts stops and i think why?
why? James? couldn't you just hang around for those who loved you unconditional, we would have been
there for you always and anytime. With any phone call, at any hour, if let us and even when you didn't we
(I) were there! i am still trying to learn how to breathe...your post made me cry the tears I haven't been able
to cry and usually i am a blubbering fool! my brother came in my room and saw james' pic and sat on my bed
and said i can't believe you're not here James. it's like i am angry that someone has this much impact on me everyday.
I can't, I don't know how i am suppose to live with out him, with out you. You were the one person i thought I'd have
in my life forever, now matter where our lives took us, i was never gonna give having you in my life, because
connections made from the soul never disconnect, never sever. Life has changed without you, and now i see how
life would be if we've never met, if i never knew you.

Zaida, I actually don't know James with you. It's funny. Because we all shared and loved him and yet he kept us
to himself. You probably know things about me that I don't know you know, and I know you through him...and now we
are connected for life!

Love forever and a Day
~Kamela

Longest Post Ever

2009-09-29T06:39:00.004-04:00

a few days ago, my new friend, Gillian, and i were talking about energy. about feeling vibes and feeling energy. like when someone walks into a room and you know whether shit is going to be kosher or not.

it's 5:54am and im so freaked the fuck out right now that i need to turn the light on.

i was telling her that after you died i kept seeing you everywhere. i heard your voice in my right ear over and over, telling me what to do, calming me down. that you kept coming to me when i was awake and when i was asleep. for weeks after you passed. that i was pretty much certifiable, and that daniel wanted to have me committed to a psych ward because seeing dead people is crazy.

fuck. i cant stop crying now. it's all coming back. you came to me in this dream a few minutes ago and im so overwhelmed with grief again because IT WAS JUST SO REAL. YOU WERE SO ALIVE IN MY DREAM JAMES.

earlier this evening i was telling Gillian tha t i wished she could have met you. that she would have loved you. that if she met you she would have known who i am completely. that there was no me without James. there was no major decision in my adult life that you were not a part of. that you were part of my very existence. that you were hip hop and i am hip hop and that nobody got that about me but you.

oh my fucking god im so overwhelmed right now im melting.

im fairly sure i just snotted on my keyboard.

i left her house and didnt think anything more. just that i love you so much and it was nice to talk about you without sadness, finally.

fast forward to an hour ago.

4:45am daniel was leaving for work as usual, and i got up to kiss him good bye. Stella was sound asleep in her crib, and Gabriel was stirring in his. he had slept through his last feeding so i knew it would be time for him to get up soon. i picked him up and brought him into bed. gave him a bottle before it went stale, then debated on nursing him to sleep. it would be a bad habit to start, i thought, because then he wont go to bed without breastfeeding. so i nursed him and put him down. he woke up wide awake thrilled to see me with a giant smile on his face, and i thought oh crap he is going to wake Stella up so let me bring him back to bed. another thing i try not to do is cosleep because again with two babies it's too difficult to have them in bed with us- better to teach them how to sleep in their own bed right off the bat. but Gabriel started playing with my cheek. rubbing it sort of with his tiny little fist. so i snuggled in with him really tight. he started to get sleepy and so did i. the last thing i remember before i went to sleep was saying in my head

thank you, James. thank you for giving me Gabriel. in one dream you told me i was pregnant, and then in another dream i told you to give me my dead baby back and you did. you gave me Gabriel.

laying with Gabriel an hour ago i absolutely knew that to be 100% true. i wanted my boy that i lost the week before you died, and you gave him back to me.

i guess i fell asleeep, because here i am crying hysterically about the dream you came to me in.

and now the dream:

daniel and i were volunteering at some hospital/community center/shelter of some sort. lots of weird stuff happens, as usual with us anyway, not so unusual for a dream either. we walked out to the street. it was the first snow. in a different city. in the middle of the street was a guy that used to live in our neighborhood, that hosts his own science show. he was live tweeting something from the middle of the street. we threw a party for him a few weeks ago, but i couldnt go to meet him because the babies were sick. so seeing him in the middle of the street live tweeting i got really excited. there was a eyewitness news van a few feet away, with cameras recording him. i dragged daniel to the van to see what the project was. in my excitement, the cameramen asked to record me asking how i knew the guy. i went through the whole spiel just bubbling trying to remember every detail. at one point he looks down at the camera and said

it didnt record. mind if we quote you and take a picture?

so i said sure. then a bunch of people ran over to me beside me and back of me to stand in the photo. one of those people was Jordyn. im all JORDYN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? I DIDNT EVEN SEE YOU! and she ran to me and hugged me. so we posed for the photo. the camera guy was in front of the truck but the side doors were open, like a minivan. i had noticed people in the van but didnt know any of them. we were smiling for the camera, and the guy kept saying one more one more...

that's when i saw you among the people in the van, over his shoulder. you were mugging. like, playing a trick on me to see how long it would take me to notice that you standing there in the middle of like 6 strangers. i did a double take, and then i started mouthing WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

it was so real so real so real i have goosebumps all over again.

you started laughing and came out from behind them and gave me a hug like i hadnt felt in so long. and im all WHAT THE FUCK are you doing here??? and you said

C'mon, Zaida. Did you really think I was going to let my daughter be in your dream and not be here?

and you started laughing and im laughing still in shock. of course not. of course he wouldnt let Jordyn out of his sight for a second.

and im all, but but but the camera guy. and the camera guy says

I not really a camera guy. I'm dead too.

and you both started laughing like you got away with the best prank ever.

you were both friends. i've never seen this guy before in my life, but you guys are buddies on the other side. and you were so comfortable with each other - i knew in my heart that he was your confidant, that you told him your secrets, and i found comfort knowing that you werent alone. he is a white preppy dude. dark hair. amazing smile. light eyes. not sure if they were blue or brown, but enough to light up a room. dimples.

and you and i were talking. you were saying that you still dont know how or why you died. that it was bullshit. that you got robbed. and

I told you! I told you I was going to die young but you didnt believe me.

but you know what's going on. that it's crazy how you can be aware of everything even if you are not exactly there at the moment. and Jordyn was running around, and you were beaming. BEAMING. it was the first dream ive seen you in after you died where you were actually happy. and in the dream i kept asking people around me if they could see you. i asked daniel and he said no. James, you told me that i was the only one who could see you and your friend in the dream. i started getting upset. upset and crying like i am now. saying it's not fair it's not fair. and you touched my face and said

It's going to be okay, Zaida.

and i took a long deep breath when your hand touched my skin.

a breath that woke me up.

it was almost like i had stopped breathing, and the breath made my heart beat again.

i looked down, and Gabriel was still snuggled in my chest, sound asleep.

and here i am crying, a full hour after i woke up, typing this out

so i wont forget a thing you said to me.

by the way, you looked really young and handsome. not a zit in sight. hair was tight. skin moisturized. very well put together.

i appreciate the effort.

it was obvious you knew i was coming.

xxZxx

Go Yankees!!

2009-09-27T17:25:00.001-04:00

So sorry I have to be the one who tells ya, or taunts you with the Yankees sweeping
your Red Sox!! Woohoo! Not just sweeping but are heading to Post Season! I'd
call you and be silent and have you do all the smack talking and when you're out
of breath, which is rare, or you'd because it was so silent, you stop to check if I was
still on the line, only then would I so my share of the smack talk. =)

Miss you!
Kamela

Miss you...

2009-09-27T00:08:00.001-04:00

Oh my dearest friend...I'm am angry again because this is not the I want to talk to
you. I miss you sooo much. I miss your laugh and crude sense of humor and
your...what sense does all this make??? A year and almost four months later,
and still I feel like my heart has been ripped out. It doesn't get easier. It just
doesn't. I hang my head in sadness when I think what has become. I am tired
and don't feel like dealing with this. It's not fair. I want to call you, talk to you, to be
quiet with you. A have a friend and he reminds you so much of you and he makes
me laugh so hard, then my heart stops and I lose my breath because I think of you.

~Love Always,
Kamela

Hi

2009-09-22T14:06:00.001-04:00

Hi James, I miss you badly. I think about you everyday but for the last few days you have been on my mind heavy that I actually felt sadness in my heart like I never felt before. It was stronger than usual. I guess the thought of you not being here is really hitting me now. I know a year and a half later…

Well, I gave birth to my baby girl two month early. She was born July 19, isn't that crazy. Her name is "Jordyn Susan Brewster" She is wonderful. She's amazing. I just wish you were here to see her. I know you would have taught her some crazy things to say, the first word you might have taught her is "Boom Boom".

Oh James I really miss you. You were like a brother I never had seriously. I haven't seen you in my dreams in a long time. Have you forgotten about me?

Well just wanted you to know I really miss you.

Love Always

BFF Manta

...

2009-09-03T23:20:00.001-04:00

Oh my, how much I miss you.
I realize and always knew you were family.
I miss your smile and I heard your voice
crisp and clear in mid sleep early one morning
this week. It woke me up and I smiled and got
sad. How do you replace such a face, such a
smile, such a being? How do I go on with out?
You always have inspired me and continue to inspire
me. Your likeness. Your kindness. Your face.
Your being inspires me. I miss you James.

~Kamela

...tumble for ya...

2009-08-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

an oldie but a goodie...
good for one smile and priceless a trip down memory lane...

Downtown
we'll drown
We're in our never splender
Flowers, showers
Who's got the new boy gender
I'll be your baby, I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you
an so much more
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YOU
Uptown their sound
It's like the native
you send her
Junktion, funktion
The boy with pop is slender
Did he say maybe
or I'm not sure
He'll be a boy for you
but you need more
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YOU
I GET A CRAZY FEELING
THAT CHASES IN MY HEAD
IT'S NOTHING THAT YOU DO TO ME
IT'S NOTHING THAT YOU SAID
IT'S LOVE IN STEREO
AND WHEN I CANT LET GO
I SAY
I'll be your baby, I'll be your score
I'll run the gun for you
an so much more
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YA
I'LL TUMBLE 4 YOU

OXOXOX
~Kamela

sad...

2009-08-26T14:27:00.001-04:00

hey there...

time goes by, things change and it feels as though nothing has changed.
could use a friend to put things in perspective. only you, though.
life is different without you. i always knew it would be that's why no matter
what i'd always want us to be in each others lives. life just isn't the same.
God, i can't say that enough.

i rewrite the same words for the past 15 months and still can't let go of the
bad feelings. nothing works.

~Kamela
still love you like before...

..........

2009-08-11T19:46:00.001-04:00

I am missing you soooo much right now, this past week.
Still hurts the same. I miss you. I am so sad, hurt and
there are happy things I want to share with you.
You would be very proud of me.
I love you.

~Kamela

Same ole news....

2009-08-10T10:14:00.001-04:00

Dear James,

I miss you. Life is really not the same without you. It was never on those quiet days when you
were around but unavailable. It sad thing happened I was traveling in LES on Delancey Street
and it was unrecognizable!! All the shops and hoochie stores are all gone. It took my breath
away. Half of a block is torn down and the people have changed as well. I know how you would
feel but you would also say that's life and keep it movin. =/ I just miss you!! It's not fair. But alot of life
isn't fair. I've been well. Enjoying my summer. Bike riding. Camping. Just got back from Jamaica.
But there's no you to tell my stories to...No you to be proud of the crazy stuff I've done. I 've gotten
alot more brave these days, and even a little more afraid of life. Is that possible???

Well, my dearest James, still cannot believe you are not here, I still think of you often. At times
I wish my memory wasn't so great cause the things that made me smile also makes me cry...

Love forever and a Day,
~Kamela

I haven't yet...

2009-07-18T10:11:00.001-04:00

Dear Friend,

It just occurred to me that I have waited soooo long for the new Maxwell CD to drop and
I am probably the only Maxwell lover who hasn't bought, it downloaded it,
or forced one of their friends to make a copy of the CD for them. I am scared, as silly as it
sounds. Maxwell, was what I shared with you, although you called him gay because I drooled
over him, and you hated any attention that wasn't solely your attention. But I know you would
sit in your apt and play it over and over just like I did. It does make me a little nervous when
I think of getting it, I don't want to willfully remind myself that I can't call you and that you aren't
train ride away. I will surely let you know when I do purchase the CD and you'll definitely know
when I have listened to it and cried my eyes out. I remember listening to Urban Hang Suite and
NOW so many times I burnt the CD out until it couldn't play in my CD player anymore and I had to
buy new CDs!! =)

That last thing I wrote to you about being at peace that was a momentary thing.
The peace I think that was, was me not making myself ill about missing you.
But to accept that what happened last year happened, still stings

Kamela

Thought of You....

2009-07-15T15:10:00.001-04:00

I am at peace.
I still think of you often.
I have loved you.
And you have made me smile
and continue to make me smile
you give me private moments where
I can have a secretly smile and no
one is the wiser.
For that alone I am thankful.
I do miss you.
I am at peace.
I can think of you, still be a little
sick in my stomach, I can relate to those
pains now, but they don't keep me up at night
anymore.
Oh, James, you are great.
Have always thought so.
Just wanted to write to you
because I am moved by you at this moment.
I can't call you when I think of you,
but I can stop and come here and release my
thoughts into the comic world and know you got it.

~Love you James Shawn Agostini <3
Kamela

Gone Too Soon...

2009-07-07T15:22:00.001-04:00

James,

I cried when I heard this song and thought of you...
it left me breathless...

Gone Too Soon

Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon

Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon

Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon

Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon

Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon

Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night

Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon

Gone Too Soon

Love Always,
Kamela

Maxwell....

2009-07-02T13:15:00.001-04:00

The world keeps changing and moving and growing.
It would definitely be a better place if you were still in it.
Maxwell's long awaited new album is about to drop!!!
I cannot believe it! Finally!!
I remember not really liking Fortunate. HA!
Now, it takes my breath away....miss you.
Who will I have if not you to call and sob about it to???
Maybe I need to do this one on my own, huh?
I get it!
I've done alot this year I thought I couldn't and always
had you in the back of my mind telling me that "I could"

Thank you for all my Maxwell memories.
If you thought he made you cry before!!!!
you have no idea what's ahead!! lol

oxoxoxo
Kamela

workin day & night, dont stop demos

2009-06-26T14:17:00.001-04:00

these are the one you played for me over and over:

Jordyn is her Name!

2009-06-26T11:10:00.000-04:00

Okay James, All those times you were in my dreams and giving me hints of a little boy, You were wrong I’m having a little girl. You will never believe this. But one night Carlos and I were thinking of names, this was way before we found out the sex of the baby. He was like if it’s a girl lets name her “Jordan” I was like are you serious? He said yes I like that name. I said to him “ Did you know that’s James daughter name “Jordyn”. He had no clue! I made sure that I corrected the spelling. I told him that would be great I can dig it but we have to spell it the name like James daughter. He was fine and we stuck with that name. It’s crazy! Someone in personnel even suggested that I name the baby “Jordyn-James” Which I thought was cool. But I know I would have been up to my child school for someone teasing her because part of her name is a boy name. So "Jordyn-James" is out the question. Just "Jordyn" for the first name.

I saw Jordyn last week on your Birthday. Jen & Her had a wonderful gathering upstate to honor you. It was wonderful, of course the food was GOOD. We had fun! It was raining like crazy but that didn’t stop me from going. Jordyn is Beautiful James. I'm just waiting for that dream when you say to me “My daughter looks better than yours” or “Punk Bitch why you trying to be like me, There’s only one Jordyn” LMAO!!! I just could imagine the crazy things that would have came out your mouth.

I saw the twins, zaida , jack and veronica, Rayn (The Beatles you use to call him), your mom, etc. so special! A wonderful moment. I must say that you build us to become close and never to forget one another. You really glue us all together. That’s Amazing! You love runs Deep!

***Manta***

James & Michael

2009-06-26T10:49:00.000-04:00

Oh man! I know that you are crying your heart out James. But I couldn't help but to laugh last night because I remember you called me out of the blue and was like “ Yo son, guess what.? Michael Jackson ----” I was like what are you serious, stop playing. Then you starting laughing and said “ SIKE, you are a burger, you believed me” You really was laughing so hard that I couldn’t do nothing but laugh. I mean it’s not a funny matter at the moment, but for those you really know you knows laugher was a way to ease the pain of anything that was going on. James you Joke about everything. lol

Your love for Michael Jackson was so strong. I remember you had me watching all his videos one night and every time you saw that I was falling a sleep you will be like “Fuck that we watching it again because you didn’t see that part your eyes were close” In the middle of watching the video out of no where you started crying, I was like “WHAT THE HECK” You responded “ I don’t know why that happen to his skin he was so cute when he was brown. You argued with me that Michael had some type of skin problem. I didn't say anything more you were so emotional and serious. You really was crying. Your love for MJ was serious.

I wonder how you are going to greet Michael Jackson when you met him. Are you going to write him love poems? are you going to tell him that you are the biggest fan? Maybe Ya’ll will make music together. Michael is in for a nice treat when ya’ll met and greet. Just don’t put him to sleep with the long stories. I know that you are going to tell him about the Red Sox over and over again. You are up there with all your peoples, Biggie, Tu-Pac, MJ, Luther, Sam Cooke, Bob Marley etc. You are around the music greatest, I wonder what it is like for you? of Course peaceful, Hmm I just wonder....

Love Always

***Manta***

................

2009-06-26T01:27:00.000-04:00

Thank you for torturing me for hours upon hours of Michael Jackson!!
Through you I knew him better and saw inside both your worlds!
Thank you.
The sky filled with stars....

Love you James.
Kamela

it's true, he's gone.

2009-06-25T18:56:00.001-04:00

i wonder if you will be waiting for him.
if you will see michael jackson
on the other side.
how many nights you played the jackson 5 live for me,
the one where they recorded at home,
where they used household pots, pans utensils
and we would sit silent, listening to it over and over,
amazed at how talented this young man was.
i see your face, james.
i see you in shock.
im waiting for your call that won't ever come.
my heart is in my stomach.
i miss you.
--
Zaida
blog | twitter

Happy birthday

2009-06-23T14:18:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday Big head :-)

I know its two days later but I didn't forget, just didn't have the time to come on here.

I didn't make it to the party Jen and Jordan had to remember you.

I so wanted to be there and I had every intention of being there to celebrate with your family and friends

but in the end I didn't make it. It so weird That morning I had a dream about you, as usual you being you lol,

I have to say it was a funny dream, the things that come out of that mouth of yours make me wonder sometimes

even in my dreams, it's like you are still here.

It so weird I went to take an exam and the school I went to take this exam in is called James Madison,

the room number I sat in was 420 and that dream I had when I work up it was 6:20am.

Miss you buddy

love you always

Erin

A year...

2009-06-12T11:10:00.001-04:00

Dude, I don't know what is going on with all the dreams!!
Why do I keep dreaming of you?
It doesn't make me happy. They make me feel worse
and I can't take the constant pain.
Maybe if I kept much more busy, the way you
did, I'd be to tired to dream. Or too busy to think.
Or if I was filled with other thoughts and ideas to think
of you being missing. I know I use words like,
"gone" "missing" "not here". I haven't used the adult
real words out loud for what happened. Can't accept it.
When you do cross my mind, I think yeah, he's on vaca
in Cali or Florida or London or some other place.
I also dreamt of Jordyn this morning, of when she was
about three and she came to my house and fell in love with
my stepper machine. And she spent the entire day stepping.
Then we colored. I still have those coloring pages. I found them
a couple of weeks ago. It's sweet.
I guess there is so much on my mind, so much left to talk about
so much history and a year of you not here won't make things ok.
A year won't ease the pain. A year won't make the heart ache go away.
A year just won't do it.

OXOXO,
Kamela

Miss you...

2009-06-11T12:29:00.001-04:00

I woke up with that same ache in my heart.
Time does not heal heartache.
It does not diminish the pain or soak up the tears.
The dreams are always real and the pain that follows
chokes me.
I dreamt of you last night and it was the same.
You were gone and yet you were not and I wanted
you back here in the present.
I couldn't sleep last night. Woke up with pains in
my heart. It just not fair.

I miss you.
Kamela

You Are Invited - Remembering James

2009-06-02T12:02:00.002-04:00

If you are reading this post, then you probably love James as much as we do. His sister, Jenny, and her family will be having a party to Remember James on June 20th at 2pm at her home. Jenny has asked me to post the evite here because she does not have everyones emails or phone numbers. She asked that this be forwarded so that everyone who knew and loved James get this invitation.

Please RSVP to the evite if you are able to make it, and please pass it along to anyone would like to join the festivities as we celebrate the life of our Dearest James.

All of the contact info for the party are on the evite. Please forward this invite on.

We hope to see you there.

Love,
Zaida, Daniel, Ryan and our new twins - Gabriel & Stella

Still in my heart

2009-05-29T12:22:00.000-04:00

Hi buddy,

It been a while since I came on here, I guess sometimes it is just too much to think about you not been here.

It's been a year and it feels like it was just yesterday on Tuesday of that week you came over to my desk and ask me come with you to get breakfast. Who knew that was the last time we would speak to each other again. Still miss you so much I can't believe it been a year and it can still hurt so much that you aren't here. You are still constantly in the back of my mind.

Love you always

Miss you so much

Love you always

Erin

I thought...

2009-05-29T12:12:00.001-04:00

May 29, 2009........I set a reminder on my phone a while ago, and forgot about it,
though I didn't need reminding, who does?!?!?
I couldn't get to sleep last night...
Today feels somber.
Feels lonesome.
I was making ice tea and went to check my phone to
see if I had any missed calls.
I saw your name, (but it was my calendar reminder)
and that was the most bitter sweet moment.
For the quickest second I thought that I had a missed call from
you. My heart was the happiest for a moment. I felt it actually stop.
I thought you were at work and you called me to annoy me
cuz you were bored. I thought you heard new song and wanted me to listen to
it. I thought you were calling to have me meet you for lunch.
I thought you saw a HOT girl and wanted to call and tell me how gorgeous she is.
I thought something reminded you of an old friend and you
decided to say hello.
I thought you thought of me.
I thought you decided to call me.

I wish any of these were true.

Just me wishing too hard.

Hearts.....
Kamela

Miss you Goonie!!

2009-05-27T11:27:00.001-04:00

Your in my thoughts and I keep you close to my heart.

Miss you. Love you.

~Kamela

Memorial Day...

2009-05-24T23:01:00.001-04:00

James,

I know I sound repetitive.
But you were are still so very important to me.
It hurts so badly that you are not here.
I don't know what to do with my thoughts,
feelings and emotions sometimes.
Yesterday I went bike riding.
I know that you and my sister used to go.
And that would have been a nice and safe
thing for us to do together.
I thought of you all day as I was trying not to
get caught between a bus and a car the way you did
last year. And I laughed at how mad you were when
your bike was stolen right out side of the Law Dept.
the first day after you bought it.
A butterfly floated around my head yesterday.
I knew it was you. It was pretty. Yellow and black. It was busy.
It moved like you do or rather like you did. Busy never constant.
I miss you.
I still feel this can't be true and you've moved away like the two times you said you
were gonna. I was sad then and for a quick moment felt lost.
Never thought that moment would be come, nevertheless be
a staple emotion in my life, in a life that should be certain
at this point.
I know now that nothing is certain, even with my dad's passing,
I thought it as a process of life. But you not in a million years.
I would ask God to return if I knew it was possible because we all
miss you dearly. I miss you dearly. And I will continue to write and
sound redundant because I know I can come here and have a place
to put these lost feelings to rest with you. I know that the feelings are
redundant but I feel them strongly like I feel others and I have no one
who would really know I how I feel. So I hope you don't mind me thinking
them and talking to you and saying the same things over and over....
I miss you. You infinitely are important to me with every step I take.
I think of you fondly. Often. I smile and miss you.
I miss your antics and conspiracy plans...lol
Sweet James...

~Kamela

............

2009-05-20T16:00:00.001-04:00

I felt myself lose my breath a lot today and the day isn't even over yet.
I got really mad at you today when I was walking to the bank.
I even cussed you a little, and no I still don't cuss, but just rant and rave.
I call you to walk with me when I need a friend. And I needed you today!
I needed you, I still do.
The next few days will be difficult, as I just thought about it.
About why I feel sadder today. Everyone has that same one wish,
to have one moment back, to turn back time, to be granted just one,
only one wish.
To be at a certain place, just one more time.
To see a particular face one more time.
To say the most meaningful words because you knew it was your last
chance.
I am glad to said my words.
But I'd love to see your face again.
I would love to talk to you again, though your voice will be forever ingrained
in my mind.
To sit across from you, and share the same space.
To share the same air.

I miss you so very very much.
~Kamela

Stressed Out!

2009-05-18T15:59:00.001-04:00

I thought about you this weekend a lot. Just thinking if you where still here I will have nothing but laughter here at work. I never been so stressed like this before. But I know what you would say. You would tell me “FUCKED THAT BITCH ASS…” Love you James!

*** Manfa***

Dreams...

2009-05-18T01:06:00.001-04:00

My Dear Friend,

There is so much that I miss you for.
I miss my friend, my dear, dear, dear
friend. There are days that I wondered
how did I get by with you gone. I had a
dream the other night. I dreamed that I had died
and you were still here. That I tried calling you on
the phone. It rang. You picked it up. But there was
no answer. You knew it was me. And I was watching
you, as you answered the phone and you felt sad b/c you
knew it was me and you couldn't speak to me. It the way I
(we) feel now. But you went on with you day like you always do.
But you paused and thought of me. And that made me feel so good.
So right now I willingly pause and remember you, instead of thoughts and
memories catching me off guard. I pause and remember you. The sweet,
good, funny, hopeful you. The you that in these last years went for your dreams
and gave it a chance, no matter the outcome. You did it. I pause and think
of the smiles you gave and created and the lives you have changed for all of our
lives. I pause and think of the moments this past week when your thoughts came
through my brother and sister's mouth and we looked at each other thinking,
"That was sooooo James!!!" and laughter followed...
I love when I dream of you because these dreams are so
rich and seem so real and for few moments caught between waking and
sleepiness and those always feel so real.

I miss you, my dear friend. At times the pain loneliness of you in particular
not being here is palpable. You will always indefinitely been where you have
always been, in my heart...

Love,
~Kamela

A Boy?

2009-05-07T16:04:00.000-04:00

Good Afternoon, It’s been a while since I have posted something. Just been getting my thoughts together and other things I must say. I really do miss you James. I think about you every day. Since I been Pregnant I had a few dreams about you. But two of the dreams sticks out.

The first one was when I found out I was pregnant. You were holding a little boy and it was dark in my apartment. You didn’t speak or anything but you was looking for a way out the apartment with the baby. Than you sat the little boy on the chair. I stayed in the bed room pretended to be sleep. The little boy walk to me and said “ Mommy are you coming” I said “no do you want me to come” The boy replied “Mommy I don’t want to leave you I want to stay with you forever and I love you” After the little boy and I stopped talking you had already left the apartment.

The Second Dream: We were in someone’s apartment didn’t recognize the apartment. You seemed a little distant didn’t say much, you looked sad or something. But you left a big basket on a table. I went over to the table and it was nothing but blue and white clothing within the basket. I went over to you and hugged you and asked “What’s the matter” You said nothing, than I guess I woke up.

If you are trying to tell me it’s a boy I’m having, well thank you for letting me know. LOL but we all know that I’m cheering for a girl. But I’m happy with whatever God blesses us with.

James I miss you and I sure wish you were here to see me go through this pregnancy because you will be in laugher 24/7 I promise. I have gotten a little crazy!!!!

Love You

**Manta** Bff

Just plain miss you.......

2009-04-20T20:41:00.001-04:00

James. I miss you.
Heard a song that of course reminded me of you.
and then I thought that I need to speak to you.
And it kills me. and then the missing you came.
the sick pains. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
~Love,
Kamela

Thoughts....

2009-04-11T16:42:00.001-04:00

~You have been the closest thing to a perfect soul that I have known.
Never self-fish. Never waivering. Only offering what you could, when it
was sincere.

Just wanted to say it again~

~Kamela

Miss you...

2009-04-06T23:24:00.001-04:00

I miss you so much and I need someone to talk.
My heart is heavy with thoughts.
God, this cannot be happening.
James, why are you not here???
Why did this have to happen to you?
Of all the people in my life you have been a
staple for 11 years. You were one
of the few things I did not want to live
without and look here is it.
What are the chances that life just
doesn't work out either way?!?!!?

I miss you dearly...
~Kamela

...............

2009-04-01T13:06:00.001-04:00

James.

* :) <3

Always!!!!!!

~Kamela

Call me...

2009-03-12T01:54:00.001-04:00

So I've been doing something really funny as of late.
I've got some new music. Just some stuff I've run into
from here and there. And I love them, these new songs.
And I'm really excited about them. So I've been trying to get
people to listen to my new found songs and have them feel
the pain, feel the words, feel the strings, the piano, the voice.
But no one seems to bother with me. They think I've got too much
time on my hands, now that I'm unemployed. Then on the train the
other day, the thought slapped my in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James. I've turned into you!!!!!!!!! It was the funniest thing that has
happened in a long time. Then I thought of you. I thought of how much
you wanted me and I'm sure many others to listen, just to sit and share a moment
with you. You wanted to share this passion you had at a particular moment.
I recall the hours of "torture", I used to call them.

So call me now, and play something sweet....

~Kamela

Heaven...

2009-03-09T14:53:00.001-04:00

James, James, James.
Surreal. The time has gone
by as it should, as it must.
But you, are never far from my thoughts.
The pain in my heart has not eased one ounce.
But has gotten heavier. I think about you watching over us.
From heaven...

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven"

I miss you.
~Kamela

6:21

2009-02-19T11:57:00.001-05:00

I dreamt of you early this morning.
Your entire family was there.
And you were 23 again.
Your face was beautiful.
Your cheeks were flush.
Your eyes, the bluest ever.
Your voice the same.
It resonated in my head and heart.
Zaida was there.
Grandma was there, too.
I remember seeing Jenny, she
was young as when I met her,
19 or so. Uncle Mike. Your Mom.
It was a serious conversation.
We were all talking about something
serious. It was about you. You weren't
well. And we were trying to figure things out.
You started to cry. You buried you face in your hands
as you sometimes did, when things were too much for you.
But for the most part you were strong, as you always were.
Your voice was strong. It was the one I remember.
You wore a pink oxford shirt and jeans, and those Eastland shoes.
I started to cry. I could feel your presence in my room. It was so
strong. It was you comforting me. The room was warm and comfortable.
I cried and woke up and cried some more and looked at my cell phone for the
time. I knew, I knew, I knew, what time is was going to be...
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
It was definitely you...

~Love,
Kamela

.........

2009-02-16T21:04:00.001-05:00

It's February 16th.
I'm looking at this page.
This page...
is all that is left.
It's not enough.
You were always too much.
Excess...
My memories are not enough.
The letters are not enough.
The photographs are not enough.
My box full of memories are NOT enough!!
I can't call you.
I can't.
I have to get over with the grieving.
Period.

The grief is too much.
How could this be this way for someone so
sweet.
Full of sweetness. Giving only sweetness.
I know. I know. I know.
I have to stop.

Ok. :/

Goodness, my angel~~
Kamela

MAXWELL...

2009-02-11T21:19:00.001-05:00

~You have more often, than often been on my mind.
I dreamt of you last night.
I don't remember the exacts about the dream, but it was a good one.
Cause I didn't wake up drenched in tears or sweat.
I had to go get a root canal done today.
I was petrified. I really, really don't like going to the dentist.
More than usual people. lol.
The last time, I was sitting in the chair, very uncomfortable,
especially because the last time the dentist was playing
a Shakira video on youtube, "Hips don't lie", and he was
intently watching her shake her hips, and it was making me very
uncomfortable, lol. And earlier he made a comment on how pretty I was.
I know you would have kicked his butt!! lol
But today he had a jazz station on,
and Maxwell came on. Out of nowhere!!
And I know it was you.
I know that it was you trying to make me feel comfortable.
You always made sure I was ok, always.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always. Always. Always.~
~Kamela

Pandora.com...

2009-02-10T16:53:00.001-05:00

So I've discovered Pandora.com.
You'd looooove it!
So you type in an artist,
of course I typed Maxwell...<3
and they play all the songs in that
genre.
It played the same playlist I have on my IPOD! lol.
Maxwell, D'angelo, Jill Scott, Robin Thicke, Tamia, John Lengend...
then came the waterworks.
It's really damn annoying. Normal people don't walk around
crying, the way I do. I guess it's my 'Symptom Unknown'.

On the other hand as annoying as it is, don't want the norm
to be nothing, I always want to feel something.
to be that tortured soul. It's the "cool thing" anyway, right!??!
That's how the good writing comes...

Always,
~Kamela

Damn Writing Class...

2009-02-09T11:03:00.001-05:00

Hey Buddy

So, just wanted to say hello.
Just a quick one. lol. 2009 has
been a challenging one already.
Just need to talk, you always
had an optimist or silly outlook on life.
Which I miss.

So I'm taking this essay workshop class.
and we had to do an exercise and answer
some questions, one was : describe a you've known
for a long time but haven't seen in a long time.
I thought and thought, I can't think of anyone.
I don't let people in,yet long enough to keep them in
my life. They usually end up disappointing.

I've known you for the longest.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yet, you have always one of two of my "friends" that
I've kept the closest.
Even over the years. It may have appeared to be weird to others, but
it suited us well.
I remember everything about you.
I remember your the craziness that encapsulated your world.
I remember the complexity of the simpleness that surrounded us.
It was simple, there was no getting rid of me.
There was no getting rid of you.
Everyone else would have to understand that, figure it out, or ignore it.
I spent too long of time on this question, then when the thoughts became to
much and the room was hot and the cryball in my throat was growing, I knew it was gonna
embarrass me, I tried to think of someone else.

I tried to think of someone else.
Someone, who I haven't seen in a while, who I hold important to me. That breatheless
kind of importance, I speak to often, see often.
But after you leaving, I hold everyone I love in my life closer to me.
you would be proud.

I don't know anyone else.
I am not old enough to have old friends.
I am not old enough to have friends and keepsakes that die.
I am not old enough to deal with the 5 stages.
I am not ready to lose what I just learned that I didn't want to live my life without.
I'd take it in any shape/form.

So I ended up writing.
James.
Neurotic. Comfortable. Chicken cutlets. Obsessive bathroom cleaning. Bluest eyes. Recited stats about
Satchel Paige and made you remember them. Telling me how old school I was b/c I was still using tokens
and hadn't yet gotten on the metrocard bandwagon. The napkin writings. Believe or not they actually hold up
after many years. Missed.

So this class is gonna be the "death" of me this semester. and I think I wanted that. I guess this is my way of forcing myself
to finally start dealing with the tragedies in my life, my way.

But we're good, right???

Always,
Kamela

...

2009-02-02T01:37:00.001-05:00

So, the Steelers won. lol.
I watched the game it was totally awesome.
You'd be proud of me.
In a room full of people, cheering and yelling
thoughts of you seeped through.
How, this is the first one you would miss
miss
miss
miss.
I thought of you today.
I spoke of you to Chris.
I'm never sure of how much I of my feelings
I can reveal to him or others.
Not sure.

The jersey.
The stories of games past.
The love of everything about Superbowl Sunday.

It's been tough.
oxoxoxo
~Kamela

Feeling So Lonely Today...

2009-01-31T14:53:00.001-05:00

Hey J,

Today, a day like today, where no one else can be found and not a thing to do.... or rather want to do... I would always have you. I would call you up, you would convince me to come ova... I wouldn't want to b/c it would be to cold but you would make the offer so enticing by proclaiming to make the slamminest chicken curry or tacos and then promise we'd go c a movie. Then, when i got there you would make me move furniture all around watch ESPN, although that one time you made me watch Brahm Stroker's Dracula which was surprisingly good. Then play all the music you had on your computer, and right before I would leave you would find some excuse like you were burning a cd for my sister...only 15minutes to go,or you had to show me a picture... then you would be like sleep ova...and we could play Wii... like we were kids. You never wanted to be alone...i didn't pick up on it until after well you know. You always like to ride bikes! I remember that summer we rode all around the city and u got squished between a NYC bus and a cabbie... then when you got that new bike the very next day it was stolen right in front of the Law department. You always said me and you would have been a better couple than you and my sister...lol....truth is we probably would've since we made such great pals. You were my big bro, my "go to guy," i must admit my little bro has been doing a great job lately with that...you know how complicated life can get for me...or how i can make it...we are the ones who make it complicated. So much I want to say and discuss but its just been to hard...its just not the same without you...For a while there we were two peas in a pod... You drove me insane with your farting sounds anytime someone innocently leaned over...You were and always will be my BFF... no one will take that title! You've impacted my life more than you will ever know... I am thankful that God placed you in my life...I feel blessed to have known you. I cant believe that i'm writing this to you and you won't reply...I'm so hurt that you are gone....i luv you....kinda dont want to stop writing i feel like you can hear me...it feels like you are talking to me. Our conversations are still so very distinct...I hope you will not be mad at me b/c i've tried to forget you...just so I won't feel the pain and reality of it all. But I guess we have to feel it to accept it... and by accepting it we can live with it...and when we start living again that's how your memory will remain constant, and through our memories of you that is how you remain with us. Still cant help but feel that it's just not fair...not you...not you.... Still haven't erased your number in my contacts got a new phone and everything i guess it's part of the process. You know that day...That Wednesday when i called you and you didn't answer I was trying not to think anything bad happened...It's weird but that weekend, memorial day weekend this overwhelming feeling of sadness permeated throughout me. I felt like the world was going to end. I spoke to you that Sunday and you were trying to get me to go to that party. I didn't know that would be the last time i would talk to you, you gave me some boy advice, you had just purchased your suit for the big day. When i was down you would always say it could be worse and give me some outrageous story of what the situation could've been... You made me appreciate and love my family so much more because you allowed me to see them in a different light each time I would complain about silly things my brother did or how my sister was being to overprotective and how my Mom would, well be such a Mom even though i was 27 and had the right to do whatever i wanterd. But that's the great thing about friends... they make us see things that only someone looking in from the outside could. Only thing i regret is not going with you and the family to Ireland...I have that post card....and the pic of my name in the sand...Don't think I'll ever be ok with you being gone....but I'm trying to get to a place of accepting it....I know God has a plan for us all it's up to us to accept his will in our lives...and if this was part of his will then who am I to question it. I can be angry with it...but i still believe in God's will so...I will continue to pray for you, your family, and all of us who have suffered in your absence. Miss u... I dont feel so lonely anymore.

Your Pal,

Kimmy

Windows Live™ Hotmail®:…more than just e-mail. Check it out.

fish out of water

2009-01-31T09:09:00.001-05:00

i swear, i promise, on my unborn children, i dont *want* to be mad at you. really you need to believe this. you came to me in my dream last night after months of silence. so crystal fucking clear you were, standing in front of me, telling me over and over there was nothing you could do. i was giving you that look, you know, *that* look, that look i give you when i think you are totally full of shit, that you are trying to pull yet something else over, trying to make us believe that whatever story youve concocted was actually true! and you'll let that shit go on for days if you could, then when i finally start believing you out of nowhere you turn around and say,

"nah, i was just kidding. how could you believe that anyway??"

because i wanted to believe every fantastic story you told.

you were so damn convincing, coloring even the more boring, most mundane shit so bright like it was alice in fucking wonderland. your eyes lit up, and you would get so happy and excited once we realized, damn, we've been duped again! and we'll stand there like, yo, that shits not funny yo. for real.

and we'll laugh anyway.

so needless to say, in my dream, i thought you were full of it. of course you could have done something more. i mean, how am i to really believe that someone as big as you fucking are can't turn himself over in bed?

you were pacing in the dream, shifting in your feet. i could tell you were being "for serious" this time. there was a small gathering in your honor on a small bridge during this carnival. there were boats made up as floats, like you would see in the macy's parade, but on water, coming towards the bridge.

look at this shit, you said. i dont want any of this. why the fuck they wasting their time?

it was a carnival to celebrate you, but nobody was happy. everyone was still grieving your death. then a bunch of kids came out with rifles and started shooting at us, trying to kill us. it was implied that this was how we could stay with you. someone shot ryan, i carried him, begging him to breathe. you were gone, and it was hectic. you werent there but i knew you were "there," you just couldnt do anything. it was all out of your control. but i knew you were still there. i felt you watching.

i woke up then. just a few minutes ago. i was wheezing and it was hard to breathe. like i was jogging across the bridge the way you used to. in my dream you were so clear and so real... but there was absolutely nothing you could do to save us from the chaos that was right around the corner from the carnival.

every once in a while, daniel catches me. i try to hide it now, i wont front. i dont want anyone to see me hyperventilating, sobbing, tears streaming down my face. like now as i write this while everyone else is still sleeping. when im doing dishes, or folding laundry, or taking a shower. times like this i just cant control it, i just cant hold it in anymore. i try to push it down and make it go away, but i miss you so much - it just takes over.

so, i know what you mean, james, about things being out of our control.

that there's only so much you can do.

and like you said, there's only so much you can do.

maybe im still looking for something to blame, is all,

because im finding it so hard to believe that you are dead. gone. laying in a grave that i have to visit since they day they put your body in the ground.

instead i'll ask daniel to take me to coney island, to the aquarium.

you love your fish, and now i know why.

I miss you...James...

2009-01-23T19:34:00.001-05:00

I am overly sad.
I miss you so much.
i don't know what to do
with myself sometimes.
Something reminds me
ever so slightly of you,
then it touches off a transcending
trail of thoughts.
The pain gets me right in the chest
throbs in my ears and clouds my head.

I can't imagine how those you saw
daily, how they feel.
How they miss the smiles and laughter.
How they miss the coffee and bagels.

Is this suppose to be this hard?????????
?????????????????????????????????

I cannot breathe...

Love,
~Kamela

...

2009-01-22T12:21:00.001-05:00

~No one did life like you~

oxox
~Kamela

time...

2009-01-21T11:38:00.001-05:00

time goes by so fast.
laughter goes uncounted,
unless it's gone.
those phone calls you
expect but pretend not to,
mean the most.
I'll always wonder why you
called me on the day before
my birthday.
it was the strangest thing,
but it became familiar.
it's tomorrow.
and I expect the phone to
have already rung.
I can hear the conversation
in my head.
Not much longer than 2 minutes and
21 seconds.
Happy Birthday from you to me.

P.S.
I'm expecting to see a butterfly tomorrow...
~Kamela

Thinking of you...

2009-01-19T10:16:00.001-05:00

There's so much you miss.
So much of life misses you.
I am torn between grandly moving on
and sulking and missing you.
My steps are uncertain and this life just
doesn't seem picturesque anymore.
What perfection of life is left,
when you feel one less.

I feel ashamed to miss you sometimes.
Am I worthy of such a displacement.

A hug is what I need.
You gave them greatly.
Freely. Always.
I miss you dear friend.

oxoxo
~Kamela

Angels...

2009-01-15T22:49:00.001-05:00

~~~"Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep."~~~

~Kamela

missing you...

2009-01-13T19:38:00.001-05:00

For my once in my lifetime...
you were my "heaven scent"...
at a point in my life, you were
the sweetest of the sweet
with me.
I can only recall vanilla.
sneaking into movies, one after the
next.
chicken cutlet. chelsea piers.
ice skating. central park.
batting cages. football practice.
heaven.
walks all around NYC.
family.
Playboy.
Oh, the playboy! I've never seen before
and you, you had boxes and boxes.lol
it was yucky to me. what did I know?
Marilyn. Stevie. Michael. both.
notes. letters. declarations of all kinds.
all the girls. I was secretly jealous of...
but why was that? I asked myself why not?
how could everyone not want a piece of him???
The "No newspapers on the couch!"
Basketball. the writing. writing. writing.

I miss it.
I miss the "we" we became after the "we"
we were.
I miss you so so so so much.
I miss your ever belief in me!!
No matter what is it, I could do it. According to
you!

Heaven Scent, you always were to me.
Always will be...
Forever Angel...

~Kamela

...

2009-01-13T17:17:00.001-05:00

I remember a birthday gift you gave me,
just a few years ago.
You asked Kim to give it to me.
And she refused. lol
She hated being caught between the
two of us. lol
It was a heart shaped glass bottle,
with pink bath salts in it.
It was so pretty.
It wasn't until a year after that
did I find the butterflies that you
hid in the bath salts.
It was the sweetest ever......

Sorry, I started the butterfly frenzy
years ago.
But I'm glad it stuck!!

oxoxox
~Kamela

...

2009-01-12T13:39:00.001-05:00

That face of yours is missed!!!!

~Kamela

I told her it's okay...

2009-01-09T12:47:00.001-05:00

My Mom came to me this morning.
She had tears in her eyes.
She went to the store this morning,
and she heard a song that reminded
her of ...well you know...
She said she was sorry that she made me
cry this early in the day.
I told her it's ok,
that she didn't bring up any feelings or thoughts
that weren't already there.
She didn't stir any emotions that I don't
feel everyday.

There are a handful of people that are with me
all day long. you are one of them....

Love,
~Kamela

missing you...

2009-01-07T22:58:00.001-05:00

You stir in my heart tonight,
I miss you James.

your buddy,
~Kamela :0)

Thankyou

2009-01-05T23:13:00.001-05:00

So thanks for keeping me safe last night.
that could have been really bad!

~oxoxox
Kamela

i took you for granted.

2009-01-02T17:18:00.001-05:00

when will the guilt go away?

xzx

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T11:29:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year James

I went on vacation and for two days straight I couldn't stop thinking about you

I missed you so much, but like Zaida said you are making your rounds again

and I know she is right about that

Even though you aren't here, I guess this is your way of saying don't forget about me

for the holidays

Although I was on vacation I wouldn't help wondering what you were doing

I was happy and did have a great time but I couldn't help but miss you

I know for a fact you would have said to me bitch because you are going

away you better not forget to call me kak lol

I would never ever forget you James and how much you meant to me

I love you always

Erin

...

2008-12-31T13:46:00.001-05:00

I'm not good at having everyday without you.
I'm not use to not being able to call you,
just to say hi.
I am not used to starting a new year without
your wishes.
I am not use to having my birthday,
in a few days, without
your wishes.
Without your sweet, sweet wishes.
A new year without you??!????
I can't fathom the thought...
Happy New Year to me????

I can't. but
I guess I'll have to...
God, I miss you.
I can't stand a New Year without...

Eternally oxoxxoxoxox
~Kamela

...

2008-12-26T22:29:00.001-05:00

Miss You... :(

~Kamela

...

2008-12-25T00:47:00.001-05:00

It's harder than I knew it would be.
I've got a lump in my throat.
This is the only place I think to come...
I miss you.

Love, <3
~Kamela

Wishes for Me...

2008-12-24T14:21:00.001-05:00

So, I'm gonna wait for you to call me or text me.
Something little like,
"hello".
It's just one word but it meant so much,
especially out of the blue,
especially from you.
I'll wait for a Merry Christmas call,
and act surprise when you do call.
and be mad if you don't.
I'll ask how the family is,
and you'll say your pleasantries.
Then you'll come to Jordyn and
you'll gush and I'll smile,
because I know her love makes you happiest.
I'll accept your warm wishes for me and give my Mom
a hug for you, then pass the phone to Kim,
and then we'll pass it back and forth for the next
half hour.
We'll exchange wishes again before we hang up.
Then call each other for the rest of the night about
six or seven times.

This year will be a little quieter.
I'll be one wish less.
The day will resonant with you in the back of
my head.
I'll miss you this year the most.
I missed you yesterday the most.
I miss you today the most.
James, you know my wishes today
because you see it all now.
You know the endings to all the stories, now.
Watch us and keep us safe.
My Forever Angel....as you were before and as you are now.

Love,
~Kamela oxoxox

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T11:24:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas James

Miss you, love you.

Erin

This time many years ago...

2008-12-15T19:44:00.001-05:00

I recall when I first met you.
It was twelve years ago,
at this time many years ago,
It was November...
And looked goofy in that Disney costume.
And I remember you making
silly comments indirectly to me.
And I thought how childish...lol
The funniest was the look on your face when
you over heard me telling one of the other employees
that I was married, you should have seen the look on your
face...you were crushed. I only did it to bother you.
The funniest of all was when we had to do Secret Santa
for Christmas in December...
I was hoping that i would get someone I knew and liked,
because they hired a lot of new holiday staff.
I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a piece of
paper. I kept in folded until I went outside, I closed
my eyes and hoped it was someone nice...
I unfolded the piece of paper...the name read
JAMES...
and I smiled.
and I've kept you in that same place in my heart all these
years...
I was relieved and content.
I was happy...

I miss you dearly, buddy!!
~Love,
Kamela

--
~Kamela

Venus, Jupiter and the Moon...

2008-12-14T23:51:00.001-05:00

it's too soon .
it's only been five and a half
months,
and already, I feel as though
I've forgotten.
your voice. your smiles over the
phone.
it's too soon to forget.
to feel you so far away.
i don''t wanna forget.
i don't wanna it to be difficult to recall,
you, anytime, anyplace.
it just can't be.
it's only been five and a half months,
i have the rest of my forever to be without
you.
it's too soon.
i've forgotten.
if time went by and we didn't speak,
we'd call each other just when we'd had
enough distance, ans then it would be like
nothing changed.
you asking.
me saying "yeah, right, now?"
lol
it's too soon.
i can't live my forever with you so far.
were you there?
***
it's crazy...just like you...just like...
did... you...see Venus, Jupiter and the Moon?
did you plan that cuz you knew I needed a smile.???
cuz it sure did make me smile.
like you did.
like you do.

FAAD
~Kamela

miss you...

2008-12-14T19:42:00.001-05:00

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime
falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

oxoxoxo
~Kamela

..........

2008-12-02T23:07:00.001-05:00

You made me smile today.
I'm glad I've got a secret pocket of
smiles I can pull out anytime I need them.
In C/O of you!

Love Always,
~Kamela

sharing secrets

2008-12-01T16:29:00.004-05:00

Michele, your comment means the world - thanks so much for taking the time to share with us.

the other day, i had a breakdown on the toilet. a strange place, i suppose, to most people - but james and i had a weird and admittedly disgusting habit of talking to each other when we were both on the toilet. wait a second, i would tell him, i gotta flush and wash. and he would be all me too, and then after we would carry on like no big deal. like it was completely normal.

neither one of us was completely normal - obviously. i think that's why we got a long so well.

so im sitting there the other day, crying again, on the toilet, so upset that i cant pick up the phone to call him and tell him i feel the babies kicking. i am five months pregnant today, and these two babies im carrying will never, ever know james' loving and giving spirit. they wont know his jokes, or how silly he was, or how thoughtful he was, or how funny he was. they will never get a gift from him, with a poem written especially for them, in a card lovingly and thoroughly picked out by him (he took FOREVER getting *just the right card* for whomever he was buying for) or know how much he loved kids, or how thoughtful he was when we all least expected it - like birthdays and anniversaries or when we had something major kicking our asses or even when we had something minor going on in our lives - he remembered every single thing, and made sure we knew it in such a gentle, quiet way - like it was our little secret.

just like you described, Michele, when you walked past your desk.

im reposting your comment for prosperity. it feels like the biggest hug in the world each time i read it. like i said before, his coworkers had him every single day he bothered to show up. you guys are feeling his loss just as much as we all are - more i would think because you all had him around 8 full hours a day - i only had him a few hours a month, and that was during our good times. i hope all is well, and big hugs to everyone at the law dept.

xxzaidaxx

Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.

I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.

I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.

I was of course devastated when I heard the news.