it doesn't seem real
were you even really here?
are you really gone?
this space time continuum is freaking
me the hell out. how does life just gone...
i miss you in the summer. summer makes me
think of you.
i found my derek jeter baseball mitt.
lol gonna throw the ball around...
i know ive for issues...
miss you.....
--
~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!
Friday, April 30, 2010
<3
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
lost...
James....
I dreamt of you last night...in my dreams I was so so happy to see you,
You came back!
I gave you the biggest hug. We talked and then...
I lost you...and I couldn't find you...
it was the worst feeling....It hurt so much when I couldn't find you...
then I woke up and the feeling that I lost one of the most important
people in my life....I feel so so so lost .
At times it stuns me that you're gone....
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, March 11, 2010
So...
So James like was is the problem? I haven’t seen you in my dream in a while. What? your bitch ass aint speaking to me. LOL.
Dear James,
I don’t know what to say. But I really miss you. I went to a bridal shower the other day and they were playing old school love songs. I was laughing to myself because I could have seen your reaction to those songs if you were here. Man.. Let me tell you, Jordyn is now 7 months she will be 8 months on the 19th. James my daughter is funny. I can’t wait until she starts talking. So many thoughts of you everyday. I can’t lie sometimes I try to block them out so I wont feel pain. To be honest, I think that’s what I have been doing all this time, Just blocking it all out.
So do you think I should get Jordyn a tee-shirt that says “My uncle James is Irish” I really going to refrain from the word “was”. I think people will get a kick out if it.
Well anyway, there’s so much I want to say at the moment, but I’m at work. So I will come back later. Love You!
**Manta**
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
what was Monday, April 7th...?
so, we moved. again. i know. you would have told me to settle already. just like you did when i was serial dating, and you were worried about why i wasnt willing to put any roots down. i did. we did. you would have yelled at me. "you have too much shit, Zaida. what the fuck do you need all this stuff for?"
i just remembered right now at this second the little jar of lip balm that you kept with jordyn's tiny little finger print in it. you wouldnt let anybody use it and you showed it to me a thousand times and i said, youre going to waste that whole jar of good balm for a little fingerprint?
now i get it.
last night was the first night that all of our stuff was in the new apartment. even though ive been here with the babies for three weeks, it didnt feel final until the last box was brought in.
i dreamt with you, of course. dont want to forget a thing, even while our real life memories are starting to slowly fade.
we were shopping for stuff for the new place in a warehouse costco type store. you were telling me all about all the things ive missed, all the things youve seen that nobody else can. most of your stories started with, "you're not gonna believe this shit," and you were hyped. like you knew something amazing that nobody else did but we needed to see it to believe it.
but the one thing that i remembered clearly is how you kept saying over and over was that we needed to come stay a week with you starting Monday, April 7th.
"come on, Zaida, we'll have a great time and you'll get to meet the kids." you were insistent, it needed to be Monday, April 7th. i kept giving you excuses why i couldnt. the usual.
never mind that is the twins birthday week (born April 10th, 2009) i didnt remember that part in the dream so i didnt tell you.
i woke up hyperventilating and started tweeting.
my head is still spinning.
i have a huge stomachache.
it's almost two years.
xoZaidaox
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
WhiteSpace
eventually i have to deal with the fact that you are not coming back.
period.
no matter how fucking hard this is without my best friend.
i look at the kids and cant help but think of you.
your pictures next to my calendar.
there are promises that i made to you, and im trying my best to keep them.
http://manhattanspeak.wordpress.com/2010/01/31/whitespace/
xoZaidaox
Saturday, January 30, 2010
miss you....love you.....
My dearest James,
I miss you so much.
I miss your presence, your humanity in my life.
I miss telling you my good news and you
saying how much I deserve happiness and
goodness and me thinking I never did.
I've been good at only thinking of the good times with
you and not about you being here.
My weakest moments bring me here.
I haven't been here in a while because
I was focused on not being sad that you are gone.
But my heart still hurts, the way it always did.
You were one of the best people in my life!!!!!
And still hold that place. I now know why I haven't allowed
myself to cry in a long time, bc when the tears come they dont
stop. My dearest James. I miss you. My heart aches.
But because you taught me how to be strong, that is what
and who I'll be strong! the way you were...
Love always, always, always, always
~Kamela
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Visit...
~Hi, so I went to visit you today.
It was really cold and absolutely
beautiful. The sun was setting.
I saw your name there and I felt
my heart break again. A year has gone
by and in random places, it hits me that your
gone.
That you're not coming back.
It was hard to be there for you,
seeing your name. My tears froze
in the cold air. I felt a knot in my stomach.
I brought flowers. I know you liked them.
They were purple and blue and one white rose.
I am glad that I gave you flowers when we
were dating bc it's not weird now. =)
It was as if I was seeing someone else's name
there. It could not have been you. Because you and
I were suppose to torture each other forever!! But I guess
you'll be the one doing the torturing
I'll visit again and talk to you always~
I miss you and love you,
~Kamela
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thankful...
I am thankful for you.
To know and have known
a sweet wonderful you.
I've called my loved ones and
sent wishes to them.
Sent my friends crazy
mass text messages telling them
how wonderful they are to me,
through my good days and bad days.
Missing you today
~Kamela
Hearts....
Monday, November 23, 2009
My James Moments....
I'm in one of my "James moments"
thought of you....smiled and automatically
reached for my phone....I'm getting a little
better at not falling to pieces, when
I think of you...now I try to smile and remind
myself how lucky, lucky and blessed I was to know you.
To Love you.
To share quiet times with you. You were and
still are so important to me. I know that you
knew it and I am glad that you knew it.
You are missed greatly in my house.
Peter jokes about you and "roti" and
he does your roti dance =)
My mom is still somber when we mention
you. You were her favorite even when you and
I were on and off and on and off and on and off
and on and off again. lol She always has good thoughts
of you. Kim missed you dearly!!!!!! She misses her guy
friend. I miss you protecting her.
We miss you James. And never do we forget you.
Hearts. Hearts. Hearts
Love,
Kamela
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Hello.
James,
Hey. Hello. Hi.
You are present right now for me.
And I miss you.
Really wish I we could talk.
If just a
Hello.
Life continues on in the same fashion.
With you still in my thoughts.
I have trouble letting go of good things.
Always have.
You were a good thing.
You were inspiring.
You continue to inspire me.
You believed in everyone and all things good.
I take you everywhere I go.
You are, were and continue to be a great, big part of me.
I talk of you fondly. I speak of your great heart.
I describe your kind eyes.
Your bratty moments make me laugh. Boy could you be a brat.
Ha ha ha.
You see I do laugh. I miss you.
I know I am not the only one who misses you and I wish I could
take away the missing you from everyone else cause I know it doesn't
feel good.
But you continue to make me smile, you Goon!
I watch the video Zaida put up often and laugh and feel you here for that
(1:18) minute and eighteen seconds. Feels like a life flash by.
I've doing a lot of good stuff.
Stuff you would be very happy to know about.
To hear about.
I hear you in my head when I feel I can't do something.
You say that I can be anything and do anything.
Then you go on the describe the dumbest people you've come
in contact with and say if they can, so can I! lol. Yeah, thanks for
the encouragement.
Hello.
Talk to ya lata.
Love you.
Always.
Kamela.
Friday, November 6, 2009
.........
I dreamt of you last night....
I was a great dream but as usual in the dream I come to
realize it's just that a dream, and you're missing in our lives.
WOW, this stings. I never could have imagined I would
have to deal with such an intense loss this early on in life.
It hurts. I've got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes
and a great big headache....
I miss you as always....
Can''t wait till it hurts less...
Love,
~Kamela
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Game One misses you...
I slept last night. tossed and turned.
You were in my dreams. You called me.
and things were the usual. But I felt through my dreams that it was
just a dream and my heart started to hurt. I didn't want to wake up
because I was able to talk to you and was so great to hear your voice.
I still think that you will call me.
This is devastating, you do know that right?!?! Will this hole ever be filled?
Never would have I imagined such days that would extract you from mine.
You are, you were my pal. The one person in the world that I could call at
any old awkward moment, you might pretend to be annoyed but ten seconds
later I would hear you smile.
Well, it's October baseball. And I know that you would be doing voodoo against
Derek Jeter and wishing them illnesses and broken limbs. lol
Tonight's Game One of the 2009 World Series...
I'll talk you to later...
Love,
~Kamela
Monday, October 19, 2009
little things
Hey James,
I miss you!
I just wanted to call you and tell you that Monica's got a new album "Still Standing"
and I can't. It really hurts. I can't get over how much we called each other for the
silliest and littlest things. It's like we didn't want to miss any part of each other's
life. You know, I still continue our tradition of closing down places we love to eat!
lol. There have been at least 5 places that I love and there are now closed. I still
can't forgot how much we paid for the silk chocolate pie. We did love to eat!!
Well, this is me just saying hello.
Love,
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
First Born
mommy has sent you a link to a blog:
Blog: First Born
Link: http://mommy-firstborn.blogspot.com/2009/10/to-my-first-born-i-have-been-reading.html
--
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http://www.blogger.com/
Saturday, October 10, 2009
....
It's weird cuz I think you've been following me around lately =/
And I know it's you cuz I feel you. Last night I was in a bookstore
and I moved in because I felt someone brush by me. I turned to look
and I was the only person in the room!! It happened three times this
week. So what's the deal??? lol
--
~Kamela
Have an inspiring Day!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
in response to zaida....
It's been hard to breathe lately. i look at his pic that I have in my room and my hearts stops and i think why?
why? James? couldn't you just hang around for those who loved you unconditional, we would have been
there for you always and anytime. With any phone call, at any hour, if let us and even when you didn't we
(I) were there! i am still trying to learn how to breathe...your post made me cry the tears I haven't been able
to cry and usually i am a blubbering fool! my brother came in my room and saw james' pic and sat on my bed
and said i can't believe you're not here James. it's like i am angry that someone has this much impact on me everyday.
I can't, I don't know how i am suppose to live with out him, with out you. You were the one person i thought I'd have
in my life forever, now matter where our lives took us, i was never gonna give having you in my life, because
connections made from the soul never disconnect, never sever. Life has changed without you, and now i see how
life would be if we've never met, if i never knew you.
Zaida, I actually don't know James with you. It's funny. Because we all shared and loved him and yet he kept us
to himself. You probably know things about me that I don't know you know, and I know you through him...and now we
are connected for life!
Love forever and a Day
~Kamela
Longest Post Ever
a few days ago, my new friend, Gillian, and i were talking about energy. about feeling vibes and feeling energy. like when someone walks into a room and you know whether shit is going to be kosher or not.
it's 5:54am and im so freaked the fuck out right now that i need to turn the light on.
i was telling her that after you died i kept seeing you everywhere. i heard your voice in my right ear over and over, telling me what to do, calming me down. that you kept coming to me when i was awake and when i was asleep. for weeks after you passed. that i was pretty much certifiable, and that daniel wanted to have me committed to a psych ward because seeing dead people is crazy.
fuck. i cant stop crying now. it's all coming back. you came to me in this dream a few minutes ago and im so overwhelmed with grief again because IT WAS JUST SO REAL. YOU WERE SO ALIVE IN MY DREAM JAMES.
earlier this evening i was telling Gillian tha t i wished she could have met you. that she would have loved you. that if she met you she would have known who i am completely. that there was no me without James. there was no major decision in my adult life that you were not a part of. that you were part of my very existence. that you were hip hop and i am hip hop and that nobody got that about me but you.
oh my fucking god im so overwhelmed right now im melting.
im fairly sure i just snotted on my keyboard.
i left her house and didnt think anything more. just that i love you so much and it was nice to talk about you without sadness, finally.
fast forward to an hour ago.
4:45am daniel was leaving for work as usual, and i got up to kiss him good bye. Stella was sound asleep in her crib, and Gabriel was stirring in his. he had slept through his last feeding so i knew it would be time for him to get up soon. i picked him up and brought him into bed. gave him a bottle before it went stale, then debated on nursing him to sleep. it would be a bad habit to start, i thought, because then he wont go to bed without breastfeeding. so i nursed him and put him down. he woke up wide awake thrilled to see me with a giant smile on his face, and i thought oh crap he is going to wake Stella up so let me bring him back to bed. another thing i try not to do is cosleep because again with two babies it's too difficult to have them in bed with us- better to teach them how to sleep in their own bed right off the bat. but Gabriel started playing with my cheek. rubbing it sort of with his tiny little fist. so i snuggled in with him really tight. he started to get sleepy and so did i. the last thing i remember before i went to sleep was saying in my head
thank you, James. thank you for giving me Gabriel. in one dream you told me i was pregnant, and then in another dream i told you to give me my dead baby back and you did. you gave me Gabriel.
laying with Gabriel an hour ago i absolutely knew that to be 100% true. i wanted my boy that i lost the week before you died, and you gave him back to me.
i guess i fell asleeep, because here i am crying hysterically about the dream you came to me in.
and now the dream:
daniel and i were volunteering at some hospital/community center/shelter of some sort. lots of weird stuff happens, as usual with us anyway, not so unusual for a dream either. we walked out to the street. it was the first snow. in a different city. in the middle of the street was a guy that used to live in our neighborhood, that hosts his own science show. he was live tweeting something from the middle of the street. we threw a party for him a few weeks ago, but i couldnt go to meet him because the babies were sick. so seeing him in the middle of the street live tweeting i got really excited. there was a eyewitness news van a few feet away, with cameras recording him. i dragged daniel to the van to see what the project was. in my excitement, the cameramen asked to record me asking how i knew the guy. i went through the whole spiel just bubbling trying to remember every detail. at one point he looks down at the camera and said
it didnt record. mind if we quote you and take a picture?
so i said sure. then a bunch of people ran over to me beside me and back of me to stand in the photo. one of those people was Jordyn. im all JORDYN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? I DIDNT EVEN SEE YOU! and she ran to me and hugged me. so we posed for the photo. the camera guy was in front of the truck but the side doors were open, like a minivan. i had noticed people in the van but didnt know any of them. we were smiling for the camera, and the guy kept saying one more one more...
that's when i saw you among the people in the van, over his shoulder. you were mugging. like, playing a trick on me to see how long it would take me to notice that you standing there in the middle of like 6 strangers. i did a double take, and then i started mouthing WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
it was so real so real so real i have goosebumps all over again.
you started laughing and came out from behind them and gave me a hug like i hadnt felt in so long. and im all WHAT THE FUCK are you doing here??? and you said
C'mon, Zaida. Did you really think I was going to let my daughter be in your dream and not be here?
and you started laughing and im laughing still in shock. of course not. of course he wouldnt let Jordyn out of his sight for a second.
and im all, but but but the camera guy. and the camera guy says
I not really a camera guy. I'm dead too.
and you both started laughing like you got away with the best prank ever.
you were both friends. i've never seen this guy before in my life, but you guys are buddies on the other side. and you were so comfortable with each other - i knew in my heart that he was your confidant, that you told him your secrets, and i found comfort knowing that you werent alone. he is a white preppy dude. dark hair. amazing smile. light eyes. not sure if they were blue or brown, but enough to light up a room. dimples.
and you and i were talking. you were saying that you still dont know how or why you died. that it was bullshit. that you got robbed. and
I told you! I told you I was going to die young but you didnt believe me.
but you know what's going on. that it's crazy how you can be aware of everything even if you are not exactly there at the moment. and Jordyn was running around, and you were beaming. BEAMING. it was the first dream ive seen you in after you died where you were actually happy. and in the dream i kept asking people around me if they could see you. i asked daniel and he said no. James, you told me that i was the only one who could see you and your friend in the dream. i started getting upset. upset and crying like i am now. saying it's not fair it's not fair. and you touched my face and said
It's going to be okay, Zaida.
and i took a long deep breath when your hand touched my skin.
a breath that woke me up.
it was almost like i had stopped breathing, and the breath made my heart beat again.
i looked down, and Gabriel was still snuggled in my chest, sound asleep.
and here i am crying, a full hour after i woke up, typing this out
so i wont forget a thing you said to me.
by the way, you looked really young and handsome. not a zit in sight. hair was tight. skin moisturized. very well put together.
i appreciate the effort.
it was obvious you knew i was coming.
xxZxx
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