I dreamt of you early this morning.
Your entire family was there.
And you were 23 again.
Your face was beautiful.
Your cheeks were flush.
Your eyes, the bluest ever.
Your voice the same.
It resonated in my head and heart.
Zaida was there.
Grandma was there, too.
I remember seeing Jenny, she
was young as when I met her,
19 or so. Uncle Mike. Your Mom.
It was a serious conversation.
We were all talking about something
serious. It was about you. You weren't
well. And we were trying to figure things out.
You started to cry. You buried you face in your hands
as you sometimes did, when things were too much for you.
But for the most part you were strong, as you always were.
Your voice was strong. It was the one I remember.
You wore a pink oxford shirt and jeans, and those Eastland shoes.
I started to cry. I could feel your presence in my room. It was so
strong. It was you comforting me. The room was warm and comfortable.
I cried and woke up and cried some more and looked at my cell phone for the
time. I knew, I knew, I knew, what time is was going to be...
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
It was definitely you...
~Love,
Kamela
Thursday, February 19, 2009
6:21
Monday, February 16, 2009
.........
It's February 16th.
I'm looking at this page.
This page...
is all that is left.
It's not enough.
You were always too much.
Excess...
My memories are not enough.
The letters are not enough.
The photographs are not enough.
My box full of memories are NOT enough!!
I can't call you.
I can't.
I have to get over with the grieving.
Period.
The grief is too much.
How could this be this way for someone so
sweet.
Full of sweetness. Giving only sweetness.
I know. I know. I know.
I have to stop.
Ok. :/
Goodness, my angel~~
Kamela
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
MAXWELL...
~You have more often, than often been on my mind.
I dreamt of you last night.
I don't remember the exacts about the dream, but it was a good one.
Cause I didn't wake up drenched in tears or sweat.
I had to go get a root canal done today.
I was petrified. I really, really don't like going to the dentist.
More than usual people. lol.
The last time, I was sitting in the chair, very uncomfortable,
especially because the last time the dentist was playing
a Shakira video on youtube, "Hips don't lie", and he was
intently watching her shake her hips, and it was making me very
uncomfortable, lol. And earlier he made a comment on how pretty I was.
I know you would have kicked his butt!! lol
But today he had a jazz station on,
and Maxwell came on. Out of nowhere!!
And I know it was you.
I know that it was you trying to make me feel comfortable.
You always made sure I was ok, always.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always. Always. Always.~
~Kamela
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Pandora.com...
So I've discovered Pandora.com.
You'd looooove it!
So you type in an artist,
of course I typed Maxwell...<3
and they play all the songs in that
genre.
It played the same playlist I have on my IPOD! lol.
Maxwell, D'angelo, Jill Scott, Robin Thicke, Tamia, John Lengend...
then came the waterworks.
It's really damn annoying. Normal people don't walk around
crying, the way I do. I guess it's my 'Symptom Unknown'.
On the other hand as annoying as it is, don't want the norm
to be nothing, I always want to feel something.
to be that tortured soul. It's the "cool thing" anyway, right!??!
That's how the good writing comes...
Always,
~Kamela
Monday, February 9, 2009
Damn Writing Class...
Hey Buddy
So, just wanted to say hello.
Just a quick one. lol. 2009 has
been a challenging one already.
Just need to talk, you always
had an optimist or silly outlook on life.
Which I miss.
So I'm taking this essay workshop class.
and we had to do an exercise and answer
some questions, one was : describe a you've known
for a long time but haven't seen in a long time.
I thought and thought, I can't think of anyone.
I don't let people in,yet long enough to keep them in
my life. They usually end up disappointing.
I've known you for the longest.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yet, you have always one of two of my "friends" that
I've kept the closest.
Even over the years. It may have appeared to be weird to others, but
it suited us well.
I remember everything about you.
I remember your the craziness that encapsulated your world.
I remember the complexity of the simpleness that surrounded us.
It was simple, there was no getting rid of me.
There was no getting rid of you.
Everyone else would have to understand that, figure it out, or ignore it.
I spent too long of time on this question, then when the thoughts became to
much and the room was hot and the cryball in my throat was growing, I knew it was gonna
embarrass me, I tried to think of someone else.
I tried to think of someone else.
Someone, who I haven't seen in a while, who I hold important to me. That breatheless
kind of importance, I speak to often, see often.
But after you leaving, I hold everyone I love in my life closer to me.
you would be proud.
I don't know anyone else.
I am not old enough to have old friends.
I am not old enough to have friends and keepsakes that die.
I am not old enough to deal with the 5 stages.
I am not ready to lose what I just learned that I didn't want to live my life without.
I'd take it in any shape/form.
So I ended up writing.
James.
Neurotic. Comfortable. Chicken cutlets. Obsessive bathroom cleaning. Bluest eyes. Recited stats about
Satchel Paige and made you remember them. Telling me how old school I was b/c I was still using tokens
and hadn't yet gotten on the metrocard bandwagon. The napkin writings. Believe or not they actually hold up
after many years. Missed.
So this class is gonna be the "death" of me this semester. and I think I wanted that. I guess this is my way of forcing myself
to finally start dealing with the tragedies in my life, my way.
But we're good, right???
Always,
Kamela
Monday, February 2, 2009
...
So, the Steelers won. lol.
I watched the game it was totally awesome.
You'd be proud of me.
In a room full of people, cheering and yelling
thoughts of you seeped through.
How, this is the first one you would miss
miss
miss
miss.
I thought of you today.
I spoke of you to Chris.
I'm never sure of how much I of my feelings
I can reveal to him or others.
Not sure.
The jersey.
The stories of games past.
The love of everything about Superbowl Sunday.
It's been tough.
oxoxoxo
~Kamela
