Dearest James,: March 2010

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

lost...

James....

I dreamt of you last night...in my dreams I was so so happy to see you,
You came back!
I gave you the biggest hug. We talked and then...
I lost you...and I couldn't find you...
it was the worst feeling....It hurt so much when I couldn't find you...
then I woke up and the feeling that I lost one of the most important
people in my life....I feel so so so lost .
At times it stuns me that you're gone....

Love,
~Kamela

Thursday, March 11, 2010

So...

So James like was is the problem? I haven’t seen you in my dream in a while. What? your bitch ass aint speaking to me. LOL.

Dear James,

I don’t know what to say. But I really miss you. I went to a bridal shower the other day and they were playing old school love songs. I was laughing to myself because I could have seen your reaction to those songs if you were here. Man.. Let me tell you, Jordyn is now 7 months she will be 8 months on the 19^th. James my daughter is funny. I can’t wait until she starts talking. So many thoughts of you everyday. I can’t lie sometimes I try to block them out so I wont feel pain. To be honest, I think that’s what I have been doing all this time, Just blocking it all out.

So do you think I should get Jordyn a tee-shirt that says “My uncle James is Irish” I really going to refrain from the word “was”. I think people will get a kick out if it.

Well anyway, there’s so much I want to say at the moment, but I’m at work. So I will come back later. Love You!

**Manta**

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

what was Monday, April 7th...?

so, we moved. again. i know. you would have told me to settle already. just like you did when i was serial dating, and you were worried about why i wasnt willing to put any roots down. i did. we did. you would have yelled at me. "you have too much shit, Zaida. what the fuck do you need all this stuff for?"

i just remembered right now at this second the little jar of lip balm that you kept with jordyn's tiny little finger print in it. you wouldnt let anybody use it and you showed it to me a thousand times and i said, youre going to waste that whole jar of good balm for a little fingerprint?

now i get it.

last night was the first night that all of our stuff was in the new apartment. even though ive been here with the babies for three weeks, it didnt feel final until the last box was brought in.

i dreamt with you, of course. dont want to forget a thing, even while our real life memories are starting to slowly fade.

we were shopping for stuff for the new place in a warehouse costco type store. you were telling me all about all the things ive missed, all the things youve seen that nobody else can. most of your stories started with, "you're not gonna believe this shit," and you were hyped. like you knew something amazing that nobody else did but we needed to see it to believe it.

but the one thing that i remembered clearly is how you kept saying over and over was that we needed to come stay a week with you starting Monday, April 7th.

"come on, Zaida, we'll have a great time and you'll get to meet the kids." you were insistent, it needed to be Monday, April 7th. i kept giving you excuses why i couldnt. the usual.

never mind that is the twins birthday week (born April 10th, 2009) i didnt remember that part in the dream so i didnt tell you.

i woke up hyperventilating and started tweeting.