over my shoulder

i felt you sitting next to me today, as i sat on the sofa, putting together some of our favors, trying to wrap and tie on tags and stick on labels just right.

i heard you asking me about the jewish traditions, asking to explain what i am just learning myself, what it all means,  you saying, wow, that's really nice, zaida.  make sure to keep those chocolate coffee beans away from the kids. you know they'll think it's raisinettes or some shit.

today we needed to figure out who was going to read the ketubah during the ceremony, and all i kept saying was it's supposed to be you, fucker. 

and both you and ryan said to ask my aunt, so i did and she accepted.

i know it's my voice in my head and i just put your name on it. 

but it sounds like you
and it's funny like you
and it makes no sense like you, sometimes

and so my head says it's not you - it's my mindfuck, but my spirit looks over my shoulder and says,

yes, james.

and im okay with this.

xxzaidaxx

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Another has gone to Heaven......

It is done!

I have buried another friend, another being

for whom I am grateful to know and love.
I pray to God that this is the last friend/loved

one that I bury until I am old and gray.

I have cried so much.

I have watched two mothers bury their children.

God, what has this world come to?

Where are we going????

This is not right.

This is not how it should be!!!

My head is so heavy from grief, I cannot

see my steps.

I am tired. I am weary.

I cannot sleep.

I cannot eat.

I cannot breathe.

I loved life, but now I am afraid.

Afraid to love.

Afraid to find.

Afraid to reach.

I can't..............

no more...........

~Kamela

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Just miss you...

I was just beginning to get a little ok,

with all that's happened with you recently.

My mind was at ease little, and I wasn't

crying as much...

I missed you just the same but it wasn't

as bad a months gone...

Then last night I came home and my mom

and Kim told me about a childhood friend

who was killed in a car accident on Saturday

morning at six a.m.

I am right back where I started....

God, how can this be happening?????

I am at a lost, once again.

 

I dreamt of you last night.

It was Zaida's wedding and

everyone was there. All your fam

and Jordyn, and I was there

and YOU, YOU were there.

I was sooo happy to see and you sat

next to me and it was nothing had

changed.  Still your same ole self.

I was such a great drem.

I woke up crying. I tried to walk to the bathroom,

and couldn't I stayed in bed and cried...

God, I miss you so much, it hurts to breathe...

 

Love you, Miss you,

~Kamela

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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where do i begin

and when does it end?

now, right this second, im crying for you.  dripping, snotting, hands shaking as my keyboard bounces.  i can no longer hold back the tears today.  ive tried to be strong, and not let it all get to me.  ive tried to remember every.single.thing. you have told me all these years when i feel frustrated, defeated, angry, resentful. 

"dont worry about that shit, zaida" you would say.

what i wouldnt do to hear your voice again, you have no idea.

i imagine your bear hugs, and me sobbing in your chest. 

i imagine you wiping my tears, and then putting your finger on my chest, pointing out the non-existent stain just so you can flick my nostril and then laugh while i looked confused and played all in a millisecond and then you telling me that i fall for it each time.

"you'd think you'd know by now" you would say.

i want to hear you say

dont worry.
it will all work out.
that's nothing.
it's not that big a deal.
you think that's bad?  there was this one time...
it will be fine, just wait.  you'll see.
tell me what you need me to do.

i see your face when you said these things to me
i hear the inflection in your voice
see the light in your eyes
see that concerned look turn into a devilish grin when you've hatched a plan
then remember how quickly you made me laugh to distract me

i feel selfish
i want you to rescue me, like always.
this is what best friends do.

but now it's up to me to rescue myself.

it's lonely without you.  extremely lonely, james.

it's supposed to get easier, people say.

that's fucking bullshit.  it's a fucking lie. 

it doesnt get easier.  you just remember less.

lose someone you would die for,
right when his life was *really* just beginning,
then give some decent advice, fucking dickwads.

xxzaidaxx

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James-ism...

 Some of the James-ism I've heard and thought to myself what the hell does that mean

but to him they meant something, and they were really funny.

 

"Come over I'll cook you something"

 

'Stop being a punk bitch"

 

'Zagga Zaug' (If some almost trip and fell he would say that)

 

'I love you, you my bitch" (His way of saying he loves you)

 

'I'll give these four up just for you" (If you are walking with him and he saw a cute girl)

 

"I hope she get gonorrhea"

 

"Yo did you eat a fart sandwich"

 

"Come with me to get a bagel & lock" (One of his favorite thing to eat)

 

"Come with me to get a coffee"

 

"What are we having for lunch you buying lunch today"

 

I know there is a whole lot more but these are the ones I can think of right now

As I'm writing I can't help but laugh. He was so funny.

 

Erin

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Your Guiding Force Never Ends

Dearest James,

Sunday was an awful day. But when I finally fell asleep, you were in my dream! If i close my eyes i can still see you now. you havent come to my dreams in so long, i hadnt been so happy as i was dreaming that night.

I walked into the bright ass sunny room with all white walls and there you were sitting in the chair with your legs spread wide and that cocky look on your face. you had been waiting for us. busting at the seams, i could tell.

I ran over to you and jumped on your lap and you had that giddy stupid grin that was so endearing. I kissed you right on the mouth in front of daniel, too. And you said "ZAYduh!! c'mon, daniel's right there!" and i said I DONT CARE I MISSED YOUUUU. and we laughed until tears came down. and then you said "stop being sucha cock."

you were moving in with us or we were moving in with you. we were all together at once, deciding who was going to take which room. and you wanted the living room for all the company you said you were going to have, and i finally believed you. and we built a fake wall to close off the living room and that place is so white and so bright it was blinding. everything was white even the furniture and i thought shit if we are living together i can never read a newspaper in this motherfucker god knows about the "finger prints" and how "dirty papers are," and whatever, i told you.

anyway it was the longest dream and you stayed with me until i woke up and looked out the window when i opened my eyes and there wasnt a cloud in the sky. not one. perfectly blue and clear.

and i did what you told me to do.

thank you!
thank you!!
thank you!!!

xxzaidaxx

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My Dearest James...

Usually when I write it makes me feel better.

It releases tension and allow my thoughts to

flow uninterrupted and free.

I thought blogging

here would help and allow the thoughts you

being gone to sink in and sit well with me or

just have me accept it, deal with the grief.

But this isn't helping. 

Nothing works.  It just hurts like hell.

God, I need to be numb for a while

and just not feel anything

It's like I'm up, I'm down,

I'm still, I'm all over the place.

I can't sit still.

The one thing that I do feel when I write here,

I feel closer to you.  But it's not the same...

of course how could it be????

How could it be this way????

LFAND
~Kamela

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A Conversation to last a lifetime...

I recall the last time we spoke.

It was May 21, 2008.

My mom was watching American Idol

and George Michael was on.

I automatically thought of you.

And I remembered a text you sent

me a few days before.

You always sent me random texts.

It was nice.

You asked me "who's voice was your

most favorite??

I sent a smugged reply back. I thought it

was pretty funny!!!

Then maybe an hour later, you texted

"George Michael" I was like "ofcourse!!"

So when I saw him performing I had to call.

So I did, and you were very happy that I called

and told you. You were surprised...

You mentioned that you were happy that I

warned you, cuz you knew Uncle Michael was

gonna soon call you too, and you would have

a good comeback for him. I laughed.

We hung up then you called me back later that evening

and we spoke for quite some time, at least two hours.

That was one thing we knew how to do, talk.

 

I am so glad that I got a chance to speak with you

for such a long time.

I am glad that we spoke and we laughed and

we were happy. I am glad that I called you that

night...

 

Love 
~Kamela

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James-isms

I don't really know any of his "James-isms."

With me, he was always sweet.

He was always being charming,

tryin to flex and being cute.

He always spoke fondly of the people in

his life, even when they pissed him off.

With me his "James-isms" was poetry,

and reciting songs.

When we were around each other, I got

"the romantic, suave James" LOL.

(but I guess so did all the girls) :).....

The pouty pink lips, always tryin to make

a move.lol. And the "look into my eyes..."

thinking back, he was soooooo chessey!!!

but that's who he is, was.

I have to catch myself many times, using the

present tense. When I do, it's like crazy.

I miss him soooo much. I've been quite

angry lately.  It's frustrating. Having all the

" Woulds,Coulda, Shoulda" thoughts.

 

Many times I wish I knew the" James"

that he was around his boys and friends.

I always had the pensive, careful, caring

James. Sometimes I would have just love

to fight with him, but I always seem to

easily hurt his feelings, without even trying.

 

James always took life as it came.

I should too. He never quite stopped

for any one reason. Always kept it moving.

I wondered how he could be so strong.....

 

I am happy we can all share our lives

with you, through each other.

I am happy we can learn something

new, and recall something old.

I am happy we can rekindle

memories, and feel them again,

taste them again, smell them again,

live them again...

 

Love
~Kamela

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Hazelnut Coffee...

I am sorry.

I am sorry

that I could not help.

Was there anything

that I could have done???

To keep you here,

in the present, and not the

past where you lay, where

you kept yourself for so long.

What was it about the "good ole"

days you've loved so much, love, love, love...

To be loved by you,

was an event.

You shouted about love,

you threw yourself against love.

You threw yourself away from

love.  To hide. To conceal.

To love only for that moment

and hold onto that for as long as

you could, until YOU needed another fix.

Speaking of a fix...my fix nowadays is 

hazelnut coffee...when I met you I was

hooked on French Vanilla, after you

and I shared that cup of hazelnut, I was

hooked.  You are my cup of hazelnut

coffee.

I realized that I am so much of you.

I took so much with me, from you

through the years....not just a cup

of coffee......I hope you know that

much...

 

Love you Always, Always

~Kamela

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James-isms

"Come on yo. Let's play cards."

"What's for breakfast?"

"I'm coming over. You need anything?"

"What are you doing this weekend?"

"The truth, the truth, all up in your tooth."

"Let's play Monopoly."

"No talking after 8:00 on Sunday."

"Who sings that song? Let them sing it!"

"I love you."

"I'll give you a call sometime next week."

"Remind me not to forget." (He used to say this all the time. I know, made no sense.)

"Cagando!!"

"Wind your body right next to daddy." (When he would sing.)

 

I hope this helps.

Jasmine

 

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James-isms

in his loving memory, i would really like to do something special at the wedding that will be an inside joke for all of us:

i bought 30 plain black disposable cameras, and 2 metallic silver sharpies.

since my "theme" is "inwood & the park" and anyone who knows inwood knows that we are a ghetto in the midst of a huge gentrification (read: rich people are moving into buildings with lots of graffiti)

i want to graffiti the cameras with JAMES-ISMS.

in the front i will write d&z and our wedding date, and in the back i want write some of his quotes.

I NEED YOUR HELP!!

the challenge is that they need to be curse-free because the kids will be using most of them.

so, here is what i thought so far, but i really need your help to make this more authentic.

"where's the pasteles?"

"smile kak"

"say cheese, webbo head"

"come over already!"

"say SQUEEZE!"

"the music sucks at this wedding"

"bubbles are nice. i would have picked something else though"

"where's the hazelnut coffee?"

please leave me suggestions in the comments on this post!

xxzaidaxx

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Angels

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DIY = do it yo'self muthafucka

through every.single.step of this totally ghetto do-it-yourself wedding ive been asking you

so, what do you think?

you would have been as proud as daniel, sitting with us, as we cut and printed and knotted and glued each component of those invites. you would have mcgyver'd some shit just like we did when the envelopes were too fat to close.

i mean, who does their rsvps on postcards or online for gods sake?

umm. me.

you would have said, fuck it Zaida. that shit looks nice. it doesnt matter what they think, as long as you like it.

and i would have said, are you sure??

because you were my sounding board for everything.
you gave me the confidence i was lacking.
you co-signed my shit when it was good.
and told me it fucking sucked when it was bad.

i miss you more than ever, because you are supposed to be a part of this.

you are supposed to be my Man of Honor. you were supposed to be breaking night with us while we glued and cut and printed and playing music while we played with tulle and telling me that none of the puerto ricans are going to like the menu, it's too "fancy", and we should buy some arroz con gandules from the dominicans to save time and just say my aunt made them, and that all those white people wouldnt know the difference anyway.

and i would have told you that we cant cater anything in because its a restaurant and they wont allow it.

and you would have said, what are they going to do? make you throw it away? sneak that shit in, zaida. dont be such a pussy.

i love you, bebe. i love you more that i ever told you but i think you knew.

and if you didnt you def know now.

biatch.

xxzaidaxx

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Thank You All

 

 

I just truly wanted to thank everyone for loving and understanding my beautiful cousin especially with his condition that turned him into someone else we all didn't want to know. I'm sure everyone saw the difference especially those who knew him for a very long time. I couldn't understand how someone who was so loving and caring turn into this person who didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. There were times when he became a loner and seriously felt that no one cared about him, But then there was the side of him that no one could resist and I'm sure that is the person everyone loved and adored. He even had men in love with him. That was always fun. I remember when we were teenagers and he used to sleep over my house in brooklyn and we used to have these HUGE waterbugs and I tell you he would never want to go to the kitchen without me. He wouldn't even take a shower if I didn't sit on the toilet bowl and keep him company! One time I stood quiet as he talked and talked wh ich he was really good at, and all of a sudden he starts yelling my name "jasmine" " JASMINE"!!! I started laughing so hard. He was such a chicken shit! I miss him so much. We all share the same pain. If he was in your life then WE ARE ALL sharing that hurt. No One More.. No One Less. I have to say he knew so many people and I've heard so many stories of so many of you. Trust me they were all great stories..especially the ones of you Zaida. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who loved my beautiful cousin who was more of my brother than anything. I thank you guys so much and hope you all know he loved you guys right back because it was all he knew how to do..LOVE. God Bless you guys.    Jasmine aka Webo Head to James =)

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Grrr...I am angry!!!

TIme does not heal all wounds.

It makes it harder.

It hurts like freaking hell.

I makes you think,

It punches you in the gut,

everytime you realize your

loved one is gone.

It makes you miss them

in the dark, on his birthday,

when you smell vanilla,

when you see someone

you hope is him,

when a butterfly follows you

around, in the weirdest places,

when you hear George Michael,

you sit in your room and cry your our

eyes out...

It takes your breath away and you

can't breathe, you have to stop

and remember them as they were,

remember how they loved you and

how you when you think about it,

you spent your time together sufficiently...

You tell yourself, I'll be fine,

I will mss the hell out of him (my James),

but I will be fine...

Love you James,
~Kamela

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Such a good read...

So, Peter was looking through photos to make a collegue

for his apartment, mainly to humilate us.

Then all I heard was my name...

Peter was laughing awfully hard.

He had in his hands a handful of photos.

Photos of us...

They were pretty funny.

They were from my birthday, in 1999.

I couldn't believe it. 1999.

It seems so long ago, yet I remember it all.

You always gave the sweetest gifts.

Then there was a photo of you lying on the floor,

of your room on Pitt Street. lol It is pretty gaying

looking...Your lips were ever so pink and you eyes

those famous eyes, ever so blue.

You were such an old soul.  I always wonder how
could one get stuck in the past..now I know...

I remember the one book, it was a  novel, you read and made me

read, The Dark Half...such a good read...

You were such a good read. A great chapter in my life,

one that I can recall, at will.

I thank you for my memories...

 

Love Forever and a Day

~Kamela

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

--
~Kamela

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The strangest things happened

The weirdest thing happened to me

It was about two or three week after you died

I was walking with my sister from 42nd street to Bye Bye Baby on west 23rd street 

and this butterfly literally follow us from 42nd street to 23rd street

At first I didn't think anything of it, I just thought  it was really strange

We went into the store and it like the butterfly was waiting for us because

when we came back out it follow us from 23rd street to 34th street

and when I turn around it was gone for some reason I don't know why I thought about you.

A few weeks after that I had a dream about a bunch of butterflies

Strangest dream I've ever had or maybe not, but I dreamt I was in a

house that had this huge window and it was opened and out of nowhere

like a tornado a swarm of butterflies come in and left

 just like you would seen in a tornado

It was another week later I was at my cousin's house and went

into the bathroom and there was this butterfly, and I'm like

how this hell did this butterfly get in here when the widows are all close

very, very strange or maybe not.

Love you always

Erin

 

 

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Just Sad...

A saddness hangs over me.

I feel the most comfortable on

rainy days, it fits my mood and

I in turn, am normal.

I know I sound like a broken

record, like when I play my

Maxwell CD over and over,

when I say,

I miss you and days aren't the same.

I can not not think of you.  Is it any

different from when you were here,

and you were on mind my???

I know I am not the only one,

but why did this happen to me??

What could I have done differently,

I ask myself.  Nothing, probably.

When you made up your were

set in your ways.

 

I spoke to your Mom.

I dreaded calling her.

She was the one person,

I couldn't face.

That convo went to tears...

It hard to face anyone you've loved.

I feel responsible for you not being 

here...What could I have done??

Was it even up to me???

God, help me...Cause I can't 

do this alone...

My forever angel... 

Love Always, Always,

~Kamela

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Always thinking about you

There are days when you are constantly on my mind

And then there are days when you aren't so much because I get so caught up in what I'm doing

There are times when I'm sitting in my house and I'm saying to myself I just can't believe you are

no longer here, and that when I feel so helpless and the pain of you not being here hit again.

All I can do is sit there and cry, because I miss you so so much.

Sometimes I can't believe it still hurts so much even though it been a  while since you've been gone

It's like someone stole my heart and it will never be the same again.

Sometimes just to not feel the pain of you not being here I'll tell myself I don't want

to think about you today. But that is impossible everything reminds me of you.

It could be someone walking down the street, someone saying something or something on the TV.

Sometimes I'll smile  because I would remember something you said or did and sometimes I would feel sad

It's like you are everywhere and you are saying don't forget me.

I will never forget you, you had such a present when you walked into a room.

I know everyone you've known or ever met will never forget you.

You made people feel so comfortable, and you certainly knew how to make everyone

laugh with one of your crazy stories.

 

Love you, always James (kak)

Erin

 

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This heart of mine...

my heart you have taken with you.

i wanted more.

a lifetime more.

why.

did they need you more than i?

please. help me heal my broken heart.

talk to me and tell me it's ok.

i miss you.

it hurts.

the pain, palable enough to take my

breath away so many moments during the day...

 

Forever and a Day...

~Kamela

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wish you were here...

Hey buddy for the past two weeks I've been feeling so sad because I miss you so much

My birthday was two week ago, I was happy and sad at the same time

Happy because it was my birthday and sad because you aren't here.

I was so sad because I remembered when you surprised me with a cake for my birthday before 

No one had really done anything like this for me before, and that made me miss you even more

I kept wishing you were here to celebrate with me and everyone else, it was a lot of fun.

I just know if you were here, you would be here cracking jokes on me and everyone else

and making everyone laugh like you use too. 

Sammy birthday was last week and we went out to celebrate this weekend everyone had a really good time

I kept thinking how much I wish you were there with us.

I miss you so much

Love you always and forever

Erin

 

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...............

My memories, now where will they lie.

They toss to and fro,

in my mind. They haunt me in the

"space between my ears", to quote you.

There is no understanding to quench my

thirst of questions, of wanting, of emptiness.

I don't believe any other could cause such a stir.

My mind hangs heavy and weights me down.

The tears, the drown me in my space, in the

race to overcome them, to not cry, to not be

weak and miss you, and not feel like I am the

only one in the world to lose the dearest person

to me.

My days now, are so quiet. I miss you laughter.

I miss you silence. I miss you awkward hello,

the way you act when I call you, like you don't

know who I am. I could never forget your voice.

Or mistake it with another. Your excitement.

Your anger. Your joy. Your pain. It was all you.

 

The days you lived, makes so much sense now.

All the pieces fit the puzzle.  And now your no where

around so that I can have my "ah ha" moment.

You caused so many of my "ah ha" moments.

I want you here. I am self fish and never be fulfilled...

 

Saddness consumes me.

 

 

Love you...

~Kamela

 

 

 

 

 

~Kamela

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Miss you...

James,

 

I'm not doing well without you here.

You were apart of my soul for sooo long.

And now you're gone.

I feel a part of me ripped out.

There's this hole, this hollowness.

I can't deal.

It hurts so bad. My heart isn't the same.

I went camping this weekend and had a great time.

I dreamt of you last night.

....I dreamt that you had died and had one chance to

come back and you came back and we were

talking and it felt so good. But then you had to go back

because you had a limited time to be here......

I woke up  hysterically crying. I felt you so much today.

I miss you.

This can't be happening. Not you, anyone but you....

 

I miss you, my forever angel....
~Kamela

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Been A While

I ts  been a few weeks since I last posted on the blog

It hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been hard either

The days are getting better little by little

But what 's  growing is the missing you and wishing you were here

I still think about you everyday, sometimes I can’t sleep

I play with my cell phone until I fall a sleep

There are so many memories of you, sometimes I laugh other times I’m like “DAMN”!!!

It stills feels like you are on vacation somewhat

I wont allow myself to accept the fact you are gone at times

It’s been a while James, I’m just like damn

My best friend I miss you sooo much

 

Taking it back to 2004

Love You Miss You

***Manta***

 

 

 

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Don't wanna...

I don't wanna forget.

I don't wanna forget the sound of your voice,

the smile on your face,

your sense of humor,

your outlandish personality,

your quiet moments,

the way you thought of me.

I should have had that cup of coffee with you.

I look for you in usual places.

I see you everywhere....

I hear you everywhere,

on the radio, down the street...

but it's not true...it's all a blurr

Did You fool us all?

You made us fall in love with you.

Fall in love with music,

that everytime we hear Stevie,

we pause to honor you, not him.

Because you knew we would.

We know no better, no less than

that.

 

FFNAD
~Kamela

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Strange things......

The strangest thing happened...

I was at the beach yesterday with Christian.

I was swimming in the water, yeah I swim now.

And I was neck deep in the water and

there was a butterfly fluttering around in the

ocean, above my head and fluttering all around me.

It was the strangest thing...

I don't believe butterflies hang out at the

beach much less in the ocean.

I automatically thought of you.

It was nice.

Was it really you???

Could it have been your spirit??

Does this really happen or

do we force the "signs".

Are you really comforting us??

Cause I really hope so.

I'll take your visits anytime,

anyplace.

I'll take anything you give,

I always did..

Miss you buddy!!

 

 Love always
~Kamela

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Still Missing you

You were on my mind  a lot this weekend,

It is still so hard not having you here James

I miss you so much, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you.

Things aren't the same here without you especially at work

There is always something or someone that reminds me of you

I'm always catching myself saying if James were here he would do this or he would say that...

I miss you coming to my desk and asking me come get coffee with you

I miss you especially on Fridays when me Toni and Sammy are leaving from work

and you'd be like so where you going? where you going? where you bitches going huh lol

why you all didn't invite me huh, even though you knew you weren't going to come

That was so funny, you were a handful but we loved you because of who you were

Miss you and Love you always

 

Erin

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like today

there are certain days i feel you and think of you and remember you more often than others.

i want to believe that you are doing your rounds, so when i feel you most it's only because it's my turn.

between yesterday and today, it's been overwhelming. 

xx zaida xx

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You.....

I know you've been following me around, lately.

(just like ole times)

I was in starbucks last evening,

and I felt someone ever-so-slightly

brush by me. I moved aside and looked

to make sure that I wasn't in the person's

way.  And there was no one there....

But I know that I felt someone.

 

This morning on the train,

there was an empty seat beside me.

As there usually there is.

But today I looked to that seat and felt you

sitting beside me. 

 

I know that I'm not crazy or lossing my

mind, but I feel you. I do. It kills me.

 

 

Forever 'n a day...
~Kamela

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