Dearest James,: 2008

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

...

I'm not good at having everyday without you.
I'm not use to not being able to call you,
just to say hi.
I am not used to starting a new year without
your wishes.
I am not use to having my birthday,
in a few days, without
your wishes.
Without your sweet, sweet wishes.
A new year without you??!????
I can't fathom the thought...
Happy New Year to me????

I can't. but
I guess I'll have to...
God, I miss you.
I can't stand a New Year without...

Eternally oxoxxoxoxox
~Kamela

Friday, December 26, 2008

...

Miss You... :(

~Kamela

Thursday, December 25, 2008

...

It's harder than I knew it would be.
I've got a lump in my throat.
This is the only place I think to come...
I miss you.

Love, <3
~Kamela

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Wishes for Me...

So, I'm gonna wait for you to call me or text me.
Something little like,
"hello".
It's just one word but it meant so much,
especially out of the blue,
especially from you.
I'll wait for a Merry Christmas call,
and act surprise when you do call.
and be mad if you don't.
I'll ask how the family is,
and you'll say your pleasantries.
Then you'll come to Jordyn and
you'll gush and I'll smile,
because I know her love makes you happiest.
I'll accept your warm wishes for me and give my Mom
a hug for you, then pass the phone to Kim,
and then we'll pass it back and forth for the next
half hour.
We'll exchange wishes again before we hang up.
Then call each other for the rest of the night about
six or seven times.

This year will be a little quieter.
I'll be one wish less.
The day will resonant with you in the back of
my head.
I'll miss you this year the most.
I missed you yesterday the most.
I miss you today the most.
James, you know my wishes today
because you see it all now.
You know the endings to all the stories, now.
Watch us and keep us safe.
My Forever Angel....as you were before and as you are now.

Love,
~Kamela oxoxox

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas James

Miss you, love you.

Erin

Monday, December 15, 2008

This time many years ago...

I recall when I first met you.
It was twelve years ago,
at this time many years ago,
It was November...
And looked goofy in that Disney costume.
And I remember you making
silly comments indirectly to me.
And I thought how childish...lol
The funniest was the look on your face when
you over heard me telling one of the other employees
that I was married, you should have seen the look on your
face...you were crushed. I only did it to bother you.
The funniest of all was when we had to do Secret Santa
for Christmas in December...
I was hoping that i would get someone I knew and liked,
because they hired a lot of new holiday staff.
I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a piece of
paper. I kept in folded until I went outside, I closed
my eyes and hoped it was someone nice...
I unfolded the piece of paper...the name read
JAMES...
and I smiled.
and I've kept you in that same place in my heart all these
years...
I was relieved and content.
I was happy...

I miss you dearly, buddy!!
~Love,
Kamela

--
~Kamela

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Venus, Jupiter and the Moon...

it's too soon .
it's only been five and a half
months,
and already, I feel as though
I've forgotten.
your voice. your smiles over the
phone.
it's too soon to forget.
to feel you so far away.
i don''t wanna forget.
i don't wanna it to be difficult to recall,
you, anytime, anyplace.
it just can't be.
it's only been five and a half months,
i have the rest of my forever to be without
you.
it's too soon.
i've forgotten.
if time went by and we didn't speak,
we'd call each other just when we'd had
enough distance, ans then it would be like
nothing changed.
you asking.
me saying "yeah, right, now?"
lol
it's too soon.
i can't live my forever with you so far.
were you there?
***
it's crazy...just like you...just like...
did... you...see Venus, Jupiter and the Moon?
did you plan that cuz you knew I needed a smile.???
cuz it sure did make me smile.
like you did.
like you do.

FAAD
~Kamela

miss you...

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime
falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

oxoxoxo
~Kamela

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

..........

You made me smile today.
I'm glad I've got a secret pocket of
smiles I can pull out anytime I need them.
In C/O of you!

Love Always,
~Kamela

Monday, December 1, 2008

sharing secrets

Michele, your comment means the world - thanks so much for taking the time to share with us.

the other day, i had a breakdown on the toilet. a strange place, i suppose, to most people - but james and i had a weird and admittedly disgusting habit of talking to each other when we were both on the toilet. wait a second, i would tell him, i gotta flush and wash. and he would be all me too, and then after we would carry on like no big deal. like it was completely normal.

neither one of us was completely normal - obviously. i think that's why we got a long so well.

so im sitting there the other day, crying again, on the toilet, so upset that i cant pick up the phone to call him and tell him i feel the babies kicking. i am five months pregnant today, and these two babies im carrying will never, ever know james' loving and giving spirit. they wont know his jokes, or how silly he was, or how thoughtful he was, or how funny he was. they will never get a gift from him, with a poem written especially for them, in a card lovingly and thoroughly picked out by him (he took FOREVER getting *just the right card* for whomever he was buying for) or know how much he loved kids, or how thoughtful he was when we all least expected it - like birthdays and anniversaries or when we had something major kicking our asses or even when we had something minor going on in our lives - he remembered every single thing, and made sure we knew it in such a gentle, quiet way - like it was our little secret.

just like you described, Michele, when you walked past your desk.

im reposting your comment for prosperity. it feels like the biggest hug in the world each time i read it. like i said before, his coworkers had him every single day he bothered to show up. you guys are feeling his loss just as much as we all are - more i would think because you all had him around 8 full hours a day - i only had him a few hours a month, and that was during our good times. i hope all is well, and big hugs to everyone at the law dept.

xxzaidaxx

Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.

I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.

I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.

I was of course devastated when I heard the news.

It's too late...is all you said...

Consumed by you I am.
Not by placing mind in thoughts, but
incidental. Coincidental Transindental...By every other random thought.
Through my dreams.
The one that woke me 8:59 a.m.
I awoke with a pain searing through my
chest, through my lungs, to my heart-cutting it-
slashing it-then working it's way back out.
It's a paralyzing familiar pain.
it crushes my chest with the weight of
a human foot crushing an ant-yet the ant manages to
wriggle it's way into the creases of that foot-to save face-
just to head right back out there.

In my dream...
you came to where I work.
I saw you and had to speak to you.
I know the future and what damaging
effects it had and I had to save myself-
I watched you walk out and followed you.
I called at you and, you turned and walked back to me.
You stood in front of me. Towering your six foot two inch
body over mine. Blocking the sun from my face when you
sifted weight from one foot to the other, as you sometimes did.
Your arms, followed your hands as they placed themselves at your
hips. Though you looked past me, I still felt you and smelled vanilla.
I stutterd as I spoke, not because I was nervous, but because, I knew
these were my only words to you. I knew what was to come.
"I wanted...I ...I need you ....to know....to know....that.....I....I...
that I love you...." How self-fish was I???? It sickens me....
That I needed to tell you that, why???? was it because I didn't want to
feel the way I do right now??? I didn't want the grief to follow me home???
I didn't want the sadness to circle it grips around my neck at night???
Augh!! I am so disgusted right now....
But you followed with: " it's too late" As you looked past me....I awoke at 8:59 a.m.

~Devastatedly Kamela

Thursday, November 27, 2008

................

Hey there....

It's a quiet day in my head today.
Everything else is buzzing, but I feel quiet today.
You have always given me so much to be thankful for,
good or bad, I was thankful for it.
I'll think of you much and smile to myself.
I remember thanksgiving at Maureen's house,
talk about crazy!! Between You, the kids and the older
folks it was crazy and I remember sitting back just watching,
and thinking this is what it's all about!!!
A big family where the men fight about football, the kids run around
screaming, the Moms talk about who made what and who's taste
better, and the grandma's walk around saying "ehh, whadaya say???"
I am thankful you allowed me to be part of that.

Things are destined to change.
Lives must change.
We have no choice but accept it and move on.
But I won't. I can't. at least not right now.
It's not ok that you're not here.
It's not comfortable, your absence.
And I won't be fine with you gone.
So I just need everyone else to be ok with
me not being ok right now.
I don't want to explain to death why my head is hung so low.
I don't want to tell you why my eyes are puffy and red, and
besides I have no strength and you will never understand,
although you say you so, you don't and won't.
Just don't ask...

Instead I'll talk to the one person who knows how I feel.
I came across a letter you wrote to me.
I must have gone through my box 50 times already.
And I never before found this particular letter.
You wrote it to me when my Dad passed.
You said you understood how I felt to lose someone
and you said it was ok to cry. That it was expected.
You said that you know how it feels to want to have
that person here to have them witness your life.
But that in time I would have to continue on, and
to know that you love me. So I will gladly take
what you gave me and be thankful just to have known you
much less love you......FAAD

~~Kamela~~

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Missing you so much...

I don't know what it is about to today

I've been thinking about you alot for the past few days

And I really miss you James

It just feel so lonely without you here

Love you always

Erin

Monday, November 24, 2008

"i'm so lost without you"

i dont ever want to get comfortable with you not being here.

not ever. not until the day i die.

last week, you played a trick on us. i know it was you. nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

daniel and i went grocery shopping. it was the first time i was actually feeling like a normal human being in weeks. no morning sickness, no migraines, no crankiness. it was a rare treat. it was just two of us, me and my husband, unpacking the compra on to the counter, bantering, teasing, flirting, goofing off.

we were there maybe 5 minutes tops, when suddenly the cd player in the kitchen turned itself on and started playing.

the song was: "better when we're together"

here's the thing - that fucking cd player hasnt worked in YEARS. it's one you and i bought together, james. i keep it in the kitchen because i like listening to the radio when im washing dishes or doing laundry. daniel listens to his classic rock station when he's cooking. i know i used to tease you about having a cd player in your bathroom when my shit was just the same, only in a different room. a few days before that night i was complaining about all the commercials and how much i hate the radio, and daniel did something to the crystal or whatever that gets the cd to play. it worked. all these years without playing cds and he fixed it in 2 seconds. the problem is that we put every cd we owned in storage, except for the one that ryan tried to play not knowing it didnt work. we didnt know he left it in there, but there it was, and now it was playing.

so we are standing in the kitchen, laughing, and all of a sudden all by itself this fucking cd starts playing and it's a song about a couple who is always better when they are together.

and i asked daniel, how did you do that? how did you turn it on from over there? did you find the remote?

and he was all i thought you turned it on?

and im all but im standing right here and youre looking at me theres no way i could turn it on without you seeing me

and he looked at me and i looked at him and i started to cry

oh man i cried and cried and he hugged me and i cried oh my god it's james it's james he heard me today oh james i miss you so much and i cried more while daniel held me tight

see, i had been thinking about you all that day. i had been asking you to help me with something, to give me a sign, to show me that you still exist, if not here then close where you can hear my heart and my thoughts and my prayers - if you can hear me just tell me show me something familiar

and right at the perfect moment, when i was feeling uber happiness, you played a song on the cd player for us

we we all know how much you communicated your feelings through music

how much music touched you, how much you appreciated the lyric the melody the soul coming from the singers the songwriters how you would tear up when you heard the perfect verse

how you would hit rewind in case we missed it the first time

and how many times i didnt tell you that you were my music i never heard more music alone than when i was with you and how one of the last things we purchased together was that 70's CD boxset collection with barry manilow and the bee gee's and all those other corny fuckers. remember that night? we kept watching that informercial over and over again and you said we should buy it we should split it that you would download it all to your ipod then i can take the cds and we'd share it

it's been almost a week, and that cd player keeps turning on by itself, when im alone, when im thinking of you.

daniel thinks it's a short circuit, and i say bullshit.

you and i sang this song, that night, watching that informercial in the dark, acting silly. and we coudlnt remember who sang it, because the name hadnt scrolled across the screen. yea, we kept hitting rewind, and then we finally caved:

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

Chorus:
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Chorus

Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

xxzaidaxx

Maxwell!!!!

Hey I just got back from the Maxwell
concert.
It was inspiring...
I loved it.
It was definitely a different Maxwell.
He wasn't the same as when you and
I saw him.
But of course you followed me there...
There were these people sitting behind us
and for an hour the kept talking about their
friend...his name was James...
So all I heard for an hour was
James...blah....blah...James...blah...blah...James...
blah....blah....James...blah...blah...James...
My life never ceases to amaze me! lol
I was like you motherhella...lol
I laughed...what more was I to do?!?
But it was good.
Maxwell started out with "Get to know ya",
like I knew he would and ended with "Ascension"
He left my knees weak!!
I was singing every word...dancing...it was intense!

It was a good shift in spirit, in thoughts,
in gravity...

oxoxoxoxox
~Kamela

Sunday, November 23, 2008

exhale....

I got it back.
I can't believe you kept the other half,
all these years.
Now the book can be whole again.
It sat on your self,
the way it sat on mine.
Half of a whole.
Incomplete.
Not knowing what fumble came next.
Reaching.
Searching.
Climbing.
Who dares to do that?
To be brave and know that you deserve better.
That He deserved better.
That She deserved better.
Better. Better. Better.
Now what?
Who's to say that this "better" is "better"?
Now that words makes no sense.
Say it enough times and it sounds like...
an exhale...

I love you.
Kamela

Friday, November 21, 2008

...

Ok, I'm feeling a little crazy lately.
I was out for lunch in SoHo today around
1ish, and I nearly fell over cuz I thought I saw
you. This is sooo not cool, dude.
Why do ya keep hanging around me?
I mean I really don't mind! I never did, but
I'm feelin just a little overwhelmed right now,
ya know, with you being gone and all the dreams,
and thoughts, and just feeling you around me, alot.
For my sanity,
I hope you're driving everyone else just as crazy!
Cuz this is just crazy!

Maybe I just miss you too much!
You're my oldest friend, my closest friend. And you were
such a big part of my life for a long while, and then after that
you stayed constant. And I guess now thinking about it, this is
all normal. I just miss someone who was and is very important to me.
James Shawn Agostini, I would never in a million years thought I would
have to face forever with you.
Ok...now that I'm rationalizing everything out loud, it doesn't sound too. bad.
Then I think what would I tell someone else in my shoes???

I would say...
That this is normal.
That you are going through one of the most difficult times in your life.
I would say that death is never easy to deal with,
especially when it is unexpected.
I would say that all your fears, all your feelings are the layers of the relationship
that you shared.
I would say that it is ok to cry.
Crying is just making room for healing, understanding, and acceptance.
I would say take your time and don't rush this time.
Because these feelings will the strongest and the freshest right now.
Hold onto the great memories and make a place for them because you'll need them
again to remind you, and keep you close to them....
So feel this all, take it all in...
In the end you'll be fine!

~Kamela

Thursday, November 20, 2008

:/

I miss you.
I miss everything.
I'm not doing well right.
I had a "James Moment" just a few moments ago
with Kim, myself, Jack Ryan and the phone.
It was so silly. And it was you reincarnated.
It was loud and out of control and fun.
It was soooo how it used to be between the three of us.
And I miss that.
I miss talking to you about baseball.
I miss you ranting to me about baseball, about...about...what?!?!?!?
nothing. damn nothing. Because we could do that, just be on the phone and
talk about nothing. It was nice.

oxoxo
~Kamela

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Odds and Ends...

OMG!!!! the puzzles.
the puzzles.
the puzzles drove me insane!!
I bought for you at
Christmas.
Birthdays.
Or just any plain
old ordinary day.
I miss the puzzles.
You had the time.
The patience, I never had. lol

Love,
~Kamela

Monday, November 17, 2008

Always...

I had a moment of peace.
I woke up with silence between these
spaces of mine...
got on the train and headed to school.
then came a guy on the train,
doing what he needed to survive.
He then belted out the sweetness of Stevie.
"I'll be loving you...always"
I smiled. A guy saw me smile and smiled as well,
he had his own reason for smiling. Someone he loved,
this song reminded him of. Someone good. Someone pure.
Someone he knew that loved him, always.
I sighed.
I smiled.
Continued reading my book.
Then got off the train...

Always,
~Kamela

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I am...

"How soon my sorrow hath destroyed my face."
Williams Shakespeare

I am sad because I miss you.
I miss you because you are not here.
You are not here, and I am sad.

Love,
~Kamela

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Not for long....

Well, so much for peace of mind.
That didn't last 15 minutes!
Dammit~!
I'm there again.
In that dark place.
How do I find myself there??????
I need reason.
I need sanity!!!

~Kamela

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

My letter of Solace...

My dearest James.
I have found my conviction tonight.
I have discovered the root of the death of part of me.
It has been you.
It has always been you.
Since that day I felt that I have lost my mind.
I lost a part of me.
And I did.
I lost you.
You have embodied to me so much more than who you were.
You stood for so many, many things.
I need to forgive me.
I forgave you.
Now it's my turn.
I need to say that
I am sorry
I am sorry that I let you down,
But that name you gave me, was too much to bear.
I am just a girl.
And I feel that you know it's not my fault.
It's not anyone's fault.
It just is.
It doesn't change anything in my mind and heart for you.
I see now.
I can close my eyes tonight for the first time in five months and
sleep.
And I feel you right now.
I feel a weight has been lifted. One that has stifled me.
Suffocated me.

Now that I have come to terms with the act of forgiving of myself,
I will work on doing so.
I anticipate it being harder than forgiving someone else.
But I know you, you were sweet and kind.
And if given the chance, you would not want anyone person to bear any pain or sorrow of life's chances that are out of our hands.
I understand that now.
I feel at ease. I am still.

Thanks for talking some sense into me...My Forever Angel
I love you always.

~Kamela

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Crazy...

Reading Zaida blog post my mind ran wild and my memories...
memoires of you chased me down......
21!
Before I meet you my favorite number was and still is 21!
It started with Kevin Elster.
Yup. I was a Met fan at the age of 10 and fell in loooove with
Kevin Elster... lol
Then I met you and your obsession was 21. Roger Clements. 21.
And you were convinced that I liked it because of you. You were so
full of yourself.

Then came the obsession. Your mind was drawn to the clock at every
21.
Look Kamela, 21. It's 4:21
5:21
6:21
7:21
8:21
9:21
I thought you were crazy then
and I think you were crazy the last time I spoke to you.

This is hard.
I come here hoping to be close to you.
I feel sick right now.
I guess now I'll be the one getting those sick feelings in my stomach.
This is crazy.
How can you miss all of this??
Why couldn't you stay a little longer??
James, we need you here.
I need you here.
You were, are such a big part of my life.
I wanted you to see me through it all.
I need you to keep me calm and tell me when I'm being
a bitch, although you'd never call me one to my face.
I miss you being on the other side of the phone.
Eleven years ago, you meet a bunch of us.
How are we to face the next eleven years without you, James??
I can't. I can't do this...

Love,
~Kamela

414

dearest james,

i wont deny that it feels a bit odd to write you this letter when i talk to you every day.

mostly in the shower, when im alone, and my mind is quiet.

i keep thinking about when we used to hang out at pitt street. how'd you convince me to stay for days, and you made me one of the guys - with felix and victor in tow. i remember when you bought your first dvd player, and made us watch porn, so over the moon you were about the slow-mo button. the hundreds of cd's you owned, the way you banged on the neighbors door each time we left.

then your dream came true, and you got the place in battery. i dont think i had see you happier then that moment when we first walked in. we shopped for your furniture, and you drove me crazy, and you threw shit across the room when it wouldnt build perfectly. all your strange quirks that made total sense to just you.

i think about all the times you helped me moved, and how much your organizational skills were so missed this time around.

"You have too much shit, Zaida. Throw this garbage out!" you would yell.

did you know that at 414 i would deliberately move stuff around, and out of place, just to annoy you?

it was funny to watch you get up riled up about it.

i miss you terribly, and love you too much.

xxzaidaxx

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Just wanted to say...

James,

Miss you these days.
You're the first person besides those with me that I wanted to call and tell the craziness that
I did!!!
I am sooo not sure how you would react to me jumping out of a plane!!
It was absolutely horrible and exhilarating at the same time!!!
I cried the entire way up on the plane and screamed all the way down.
It was the most insane thing I've ever done, well except for other thing, but this was way more
fun!!!!

I've been needing your advice lately.
I can't comprehend the fact that there is no reaching you.
There's no me talking to you. And you actually answering me. No you bothering me.
No us talking for hours, just to fill a void, the one where we miss the other's
company.
You know that you were one of my most closest friends. Although you denied it, you
were a part of my life that there was no letting go of. No letting go. I thought there
were so many, many days to experience together and to learn about each other.

I love you soooo much and you're gone and I am so broken-hearted. So broken,
but you're absence has changed me. I never, never wanted you out of my life, and this
is an evil joke. But you've changed me. I've always wanted more out of life, but you had it all.
You had the loves of your life. You have a beautiful child. You have a great, great family that I was
honored to know for so long and continue to know, always, always, and love. You traveled and sent me
postcards of your travels. You worked and lived and strived. The proudest moment I had for you was when you
choose you. You choose to work and build a future. But you did it all. And now more than ever I want it all.
With no fear, because what's the worst that could happened...I've loved head first, fallen and loved again and
again, I've had many to love me, again and again. I've strived and will continue to strive...

James you are inspiring. You always have been. I love and miss you,
Your Pal,
~Kamela

--
~Kamela

Friday, October 31, 2008

Dreams

Hey you,

I haven't had a dream about you in a long time, but early this morning I did

I woke up early this morning as usual, then I fell back asleep and began dreaming about you

In the dream it was like old times, we were all at your apartment, you, Veronica, Sammy, me and a couple of other people

You were setting up the Wii game so we can play like you use to do.

You being bossy as usual, telling everyone how they should play

You took the control from me and you were like let me show you, you're doing it wrong lol

It was a lot of fun. It felt so real, and good at the same time

It was as if nothing had change

Love you buddy

Erin

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

YAY! PHILLIES!!!

Well, James...
I know you're loving this World Series!!!!
First of all, the Yankees aren't in it!
Second of all it's real baseball!!
It's playing in the rain,
everyone has a fair chance,
and one team is not hoarding everything!! lol.
Miss your annoyin me about how much the Yankees
suuuuuuck!! lol...

~Kamela

goodnight...

days are quiet now.

Miss you James,
~Kamela

You again...

You were in my dreams early this morning...
I went to meet you at the Law Dept. and when I saw
you, I gave you the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go.
You walked around with me still attached to your neck. lol.
Then you took me around to the courts in the Bronx and
Brooklyn and I was helping you do stuff like old times.
Making hundreds of copies, stapling..acting like I worked
there, lol.
And I woke up in a cold sweat. My clothes were drenched.
My heart was beating and the tears, I cried in my sleep.
God, this felt so, so, so real.
Just when I thought I was feeling ok,
the very second that the cloud of sadness didn't
decide to swallow me whole, yesterday,like the past 4 months.
I feel you again. I feel the sadness. I feel the need
to speak to you. Feeling lost again...
Just to speak to you again. To see your silly face.
Even to annoy me, would be the best.

James. I miss you.
~Kamela

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Won't forget...so you don't have to remind me...

I found you, JSA, in the most random place!!
just sitting there, while as I go on with my day...
how could this be??? Don't worry I will never forget you!! lol..
--
~Kamela

Monday, October 27, 2008

Miss you...

SIx months later...
wounds still raw.
but I see healing
coming towards me...
Healing comes with pain.
Always did, no different than
any other time...

I miss you, James!

Love,
~Kamela

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Miss you...

I was driving home yesterday and we
were on the west side.
And I remember when last I was there...
I thought of you...
it was the longest drive of my life...
The very moment I heard "Fortunate"
on the radio.
It was sooo very weird,
it hit my heart hard.
It was a James moment,
3 minutes and 44 seconds.
I miss you!

FAAD
~Kamela

Friday, October 17, 2008

Thoughts

Hi! Haven’t been on this blog in a while. I miss him. I miss you James

You are in my thoughts every day. It’s like a roller coaster ride, One day I’m cool, the next day I’m lost and confused. Every time I think about that day my heart falls. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m just in a down mood I guess. So many things are running through my mind.

Just wanted to say I miss you. And I know that you are happy and in a better place.

Love Always

***Manta**

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

OK...

My Dearest and Ever Sweetest James,

I am very angry.
I am finally certain that what I feel is ok.
It's normal.
And I will be ok.
There will come a day when I won't cry as much.
Where I won't hurt when I think of you.
This is my time to cry for you.
This is my time for my soul, through my tears,
to make its finally connection to you that will link us forever.
Did I think it would be easy to let you go for an eternity??
When it took me so long to let you go from my side.
I am doing the best that I can at this present moment with what I have,
or have not,
which is you.
Though I am not the same person as I was in the begininng of this year,
I have changed ten times in this past decade.
And I have survived.
I have smiled again and again.
I have cried, wiped my face, and kept moving.
I will be OK.
God willing. As God has provided for me in the past.
He will provide for me again.

Love,
~Kamela

........

I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME GET OUTSIDE MY OWN HEAD!!
Fill me up.
Weight me down.
Cuss my mind.
Stop my breathe.
Take the air.
It's stiffling. It thick.
My body lays weak and numb.
Nothing is the same.
Can you see me?
You know what is happening to me, don't you?
Will you eleviate some of this?
Please take some of this burden...
Get me outside my head,
outside this body that feels not much anymore,
outside these low riding clouds.

I used to love the sunshine.
Allow me to smile.
To smile again.
To feel whole again.

~Kamela

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Maxwell.......

Hey You!!!

I know you probably know that Maxwell was in town this week!!
I knooooow!! I was sooo excited when I first heard!!
I remember when you took me.
Kim was there too.
I still have the pics from that night.
It was quite an amazing experience.
Everyone was crying and singing along!! That was either really sweet and
moving or reaaaally pansey of us all!! lol.
I am sad that I didn't get a chance to see him this time around.
I would have definitely liked for us to go. It would have been nice.
But you know what, I'm not sure how I would react to him with his new look.
I know that he's the same, and you say he's gay, just to bother me, cuz you know
I wouldn't mind marrying him. lololol. But the hair was so much part of the sex appeal of him.
It just came to mind, I'm glad I kept the Maxwell DVD you let me borrow last year!! :P

I went to another wedding last night. The fourth this year!!! I guess everyone's got the bug!!
But it was quite beautiful and they actually played the Maxwell song, you know "the one"
And I cried....played it off like I was crying bc of the occasion...lol
They actually played a few and all the girls were singing along, word for word!!

Dude, I'm really stressed out... You not here...it's hard....I'm not doing to well without my Pal.
I hold that close to my heart, you and I being Pals!!! I still have on my desk that red vase you
gave me that says "Friend, Pal and Buddy". I never told you because I didn't want you to get a
big head!! We all know how easy that happens!!

~Well my dear,
Goodnight...
Sweet Dreams...
Kamela...

Monday, October 6, 2008

...

I stood at the bus stop today.
Wanted to speak to someone.
Picked up my phone...
to call you...
I'm miss you keeping me company,
walking with me when I need someone.

JAMES.

~Kamela

I miss you soooo much

James,

I miss you so much, sometimes I get so angry

I know you are much happier and you are in a better place, but I can't help it.

I guess that is just the self fish part of me wanting you here with us

I miss the silly stories you tell

I miss you calling and saying to me so are you coming over or what

I miss you saying to me come over I'll cook you something

You know, I never liked pepper jack cheese and because of you I do now

The first time you said to me taste it, it's good, I said no, but I did anyway and now I love it

I miss you saying to me bring clothes because you are staying over tonight without giving me a chance to say yes or no lol

I miss you making me laugh

I miss going to the movies with you

I miss everything about you

I often asked myself is it possible to miss someone so much

I guess the only answer I can come up with is yes, its possible

It has been months and this is still so hard, I can't believe it sometimes

How is it that one person can have such a big impact on my life

Most of the time I'm fine, and then something or someone will remind me of you, and that when Ill have my bad days.

I know its normal to have ups and down like this but why does it have to be so hard

I love you James

Erin

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Just plain tears....

My Dear...

tonight is a tough one.
I'm all tears...
being snotty nose and
swollen eyed, eyeliner
smeared face...
I can't accept it.
I can't deal with you
being gone...
A part of my being has gone with
you. A part of my becoming...
You knew me when I was the angry,
tough, and hard to "get through girl".
But you still smiled.... and I smiled.
And I'm glad I said my "Im sorries" to
you. That I'm sorry I didn't
know any better, and I did the best with what I had.
I'm glad we grew together and taught each other
how to be...
how to be still...
how to love...
how to not stay mad...
how to love the little things of
life and love...
how to be romantic...
how to love heart first
and fall head first...
how to fight and make up...
I'm glad we fought and made up...
friends first and always...
I'm glad I told you how much you
mean and meant to me.

        I a mess and I miss you..... :(
                   ~Kamela

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Goon or Scrub???

Dude, I was gonna call you...
I need advice then again I know
exactly, EXACTLY what you would
tell me!!!
first you would out calling me daaaling...
then you would end with calling me a
goon or scrub...because I wouldn't see
the rational side of things...and because
I'm a girl....and because it involves a boy...

I'll always be a goon and a scrub...
anything that keeps you near my thoughts!!

P.S. thanks for the advice!
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxooxooxoxo
~Kamela

........

I just heard something and
you tuggged at my heart
it really hurts..
all the time...
whenever...
wherever...
whatever...
for a moment I couldn't
breathe.
At times it feels ok to breathe
other times...I get caught up...
the air stops and the tears
flood my eyes, my soul, my cheeks.
I heard those words...the very same words
you said once to me...how is this possible????
How can one moment in time replay itself in
my present reality????
ok, now I think I've lost it...
Isn't it said that each time we say a sentence
that it is novel and no one has ever said it
before you and no will say it after you???
what the hell man???

I miss you James!!
LFAAD
~Kamela

i hate moving on.

dearest james,

there are so many things you are missing.
some good, some bad, some just so absurd it's fucking funny.
all this time has passed, and still i get the urge to call your cell phone and tell you
you're not going to believe this shit, james.
is it possible to really be still in denial?
to hope youre still on vacation at some exotic location?
oh shit that rhymed, you would have appreciated that.
sometimes im just walking around doing something and i will burst into tears missing you so much.
we are moving again, against our will this time, so im back to packing.
bastards told us we'd have to give up hunter or move.
imagine? our sweet hunter...?
god, i dread packing.
and im sure that i will come across something that's yours
or something you gave me
or something we picked up when we were together
or a letter
or a card
or a picture
it's going to be another long day without you.

xxzaidaxx

Friday, October 3, 2008

Thinking of you...

Thinking of you, and I miss you.

You are always on my mind.

Love you

Erin

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hi!

I finally saw you in a dream last week. We were in the park playing catch for a long while. After the park I was at home sleeping and you called me from your battery park apartment talking about “Lets go to the Club” I stated I was sleepy and you called me a “BURGER”. I said “what club James?” You replied “The club on NewKirk”

That was crazy because I just move to Brooklyn and you always use to say “I’m not going to Brooklyn to see you Bitch if you move to Brooklyn” All I was thinking in my sleep what the hell James knows about the club on Newkirk. Funny dream it was!

I miss you James

I can’t even think about you being gone. I just push it in the back of my head.

Anyway

Love You!

***Manta***

Monday, September 29, 2008

Fwd: FW: F A M I L Y

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.

He said, 'Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you.'

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,

'While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'

By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.

'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'

He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'

I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.'

He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay.

I love you anyway.'

I said, 'Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company

that we are working for could easily replace us in

a matter of days.

But the family we left behind will feel the loss

for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more

into work than into our own family,

an unwise investment indeed,

don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Pass this message to 7 people except you and me ..

You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

Don't ignore and God will bless you

--
~Kamela

Miss you still....

James,

I missed you alot today.
Last night you were in my dreams,
it was you and Jordyn.
I cried alot in this dream bc
you were trying to prepare
everything because you knew
you were going to leave us.
Ans you needed to make sure that
Jordyn would be taken cared of.
And I tried my hardest but,
you didn't want me to, because it
would be too hard for me.
I told you how could I not????
I took care of him when she was younger,
we went to the park, I combed her hair,
fell asleep together. I told you and know that
No hardship to myself
mattered of matters to me...

I woke up this morning, had no class
today, but needed my friend today,
my buddy,, my pal...got some news,
needed you to assure me it's no big deal...
I sat and cried...I need you here!!

Had lunch...watched some music vidoes
Back to back to back...played
Ribon Thicke, MJ, and Alicia Keys..
I remember how jealous you got when
I told you that I meant Alicia Keys
and spoke to her and told you how nice
she was.
The first thing you asked was,
"Well, is it really big??"
I thought what a jerk!! lol
And yes it was everything you hoped for...
I remember one day when you called me
just to tell me how great you thought
Robin Thicke is, and gave me the low down
on him :)

When it rains you, it pours you.
I miss you...

Love Always
~Kamela

Thursday, September 25, 2008

........

Ok, James, we know the Yankees suck!!!
I thought I missed a call from you taunting me lol
Yea...well this if the first time since 1995 since the
Yankees didn't not make it to the post season.
It's gonna be weird?!!? I know you had to have
something to do with that..."angels in the outfield..."lol
Your boys though, they hustled and clinched!!
They made it into the post season...we'll see!

oxox
~Kamela

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Crazy hair cuts

James was the most charming person I'd ever known, he had you doing things for him and you didn't even realize you were doing it until you were done

He had a way of convincing that you were the best at what ever it is that he wanted you to do for him. lol

It was so odd that he was the only person I could do just about anything for no one else.

As I'm sitting here writing this story I can't help but laugh

I remember when he decided he wasn't going to the barber shop to cut his hair any more.

One day I had decided to spent the night at his house

I walk into his apartment and he was in the bathroom, to which I ask what are you doing?

To which he responded cutting my hair. I'm like, what? Are you serious?

He was like hell yeah, I said to him are you looking at your head because you fuck it up big time, why don't you go let the barber cut it

Hell no that's why you are going to fix it for me

I was like are you crazy I can't cut your hair I'll fuck it up even more

He was like no you won't just do what I tell you, I don't know why I was even arguing with him because two minutes later I was in his bathroom with him cutting his hair. lol It wasn't great but it was much better than what he did.

From then on he had me cutting his hair because he refuse to go and get it cut.

It was so funny there were times he would come in to work with a mess up hair cut he gave himself

and we would laugh and I'd be like you cut yourself didn't you

He would be like yep, then he would say to me if you had come over and cut like you suppose to I wouldn't be walking around with a fuck up hair cut

You always knew when James cut his hair himself because on the top of his head one side was always higher than the other

The oddest thing was he didn't care

That is what I loved about him he never cared what anyone else thought about him, except for the people who really mattered to him

He was the best

Love big head miss those funny moments

Erin

Strange moment (Your Desk)

Hi James,

Even though I know you are never going to be seating at your desk, I couldn't help but feel sad

when I saw that there was someone else seating there. To me it will always be your desk.

It was was weird when I saw this person seating there my stomach did a flip. I'm not sure why

I knew eventually someone would be there but I guess I wasn't fully prepared to see anyone physically seating at your desk

I guess this is when I have to tell myself that, this is the way things are going to be from now on. Someone else is there and I guess

I'm going to have to get use to it. I don't think I can get use to that idea just yet, but I'm sure one day when I least expect it

will happen

Love you James

Erin

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Just One more thought...

These play back and forth in my head....

"That's not the way you dooooo it, darling"
"I know that newspaper is not on my couch!"
" Wow, did you see that?? Now that's a sexy mamma jamma"
"Not matter how you look at it, I'm the Whitest Black person you'll ever meet"
"Yo, you gotta hear this song!!"
"Ok, just one more song.'
"This is the last song, I promise you!"
"Thanks, for being a sport"
"You're my pal, you know that?"
"Come oooon, let's go!"
"Can I stay ova??"
"You're mom's cooking curry? no? well she is now!!"
...

Now, it's definitely Goodnight! :)
FAAD
~Kamela

Right Now...

James...
I
miss
you.
simply
put.

Goodnight
~Kamela

Monday, September 22, 2008

keeping up with the grunes' clan

aye, james. do you see this shit down here? first, im so freaking happy that so many people were able to make it to our quicky wedding. i cant even tell you, bro. we didnt get enough time to spend with everyone - which sucked. but besides that, it was so much fun. i now know why weddings can go to 5 hours long - you want to be able to sit and chat with everyone. shit, i spent more time with your moms than i did with my own fam!! but they knew before i even told them it was Ann, and they were so wonderful about it. my aunt is great - you would have been proud. her and pat were able to say hello to everyone. i cant even tell you how lucky we are that my ex-mother-in-law is like our mom - to both me and daniel. she's so great and she loved you so much.

we all did, you bastard. i so still wanna kick your ass, you have no idea.

so, we are starting to leak the news more and more about our TWINS!! i told veronica the night of the wedding - and she had a dream that she lost a tooth which meant a baby - turns out its us! what the hell. this was the last thing we expected but it's a huge blessing. we are sooo scared and nervous. i started another blog diary about the twins, of course, cause we need to keep track of every single second. i actually wish i started sooner - the day we found out - well i should say those two weeks during right before the wedding when you stalked me like crazy in my dreams - and you told me to take the pregnancy test and i did - POSITIVE and i told you to take care of it and you did - 4 days before the wedding the doctor said TWINS. and now we are 10 weeks - still not officially in the clear but it's so hard to hide the huge belly bump already. i thought i could being a "muffin top" and shit, but not really.

and i started writing again, regularly. all the things i used to tell you privately. all of our sex talks. all of our secrets.

it's nice to be able to share again.

i want to believe that you played a really big part in giving us the chiclets.

there's no other reason for it - so of course im going to blame you, as always.

i love you, darlin.

thank you.

xxzaidaxx

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Tenderoni....lol

Tenderoni: is a slang terminology which refers to a younger male or female love interest or someone too young to talk to or become involved with. It is composed of "tender", which is a synonym for young and "roni" which usually serves as an affectionate diminutive towards a male or female. It denotes your younger sweetheart, your younger better half, your younger boyfriend/girlfriend.

James you were the One! The only guy I know who ever talked
about a "tenderoni". Guys nowadays don't talk about love,
being in love, being in love with a "lady".
If James called you his lady, you were pretty lucky.
No guy brings you flowers bc they want to.
Guys don't think about you when they see something
that reminds them of you and someone else would deems insignificant.
Love means not much these days.
It's an inconvenience, a hassle, no one feels anything any more
bc they are afraid to get hurt.
getting hurt is part of it.
A brokenheart...no one goes looking for one,
but to not love bc your afraid, please!
To feel love grow inside you, to hold it,
have it hold you. That's the best!!

For James, for back in the day...wish you were here...you make me smile...
over and over again! Thank you...

"The truth about Roni, she's a sweet little girl
You could treat her real nice and hold her tight
Only tender ronis can give special love
A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love

My heart (ouh) belongs to tender roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart, baby)
My heart (Yeah) belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's always on the phone
Talkin' to her homeboy, wishin' they were home alone, ooh
She send you lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
This is what a real tender roni likes to do to you

And if you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wild world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only lover)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love"

Bobby Brown...

For all the loves of James' life...all the woman in his life...

--
~Kamela

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Playlist...

Stevie is about love.

Overjoyed was I when we could, would talk.

Speak about this and that, them, him and her,

and everything in between.

Marvin is soulful.

James you physically made (lol) me sit and listen to so many,

many songs!!!

When you made me listen to "The Star Spangle Banner",

and Marvin sang it, wow

was I in love. I never knew a song like that

could be so soulful.

Thankyou, James.

Michael is vulnerable. You felt his pain when he sang.

You allowed us to be vulnerable in our quiet times.

George has the voice to die for according to you. lol

You, you can make a girl spend four hours on the phone, breakin dawn....

Sam is the orginal, THE original. The first footprint in the sand.

You, my dear James, have left the deepest footprints in hearts, in my heart.

Let's not forget..

New Edition, omgosh!! Pioneers in their time, and the dancing!!!

James, I'm telling you, you should have been in the group!! I think

you thought you had the moves. Your were too much, especially the

spin!!!

Maxwell, well I had to through him in just because...no reason needed.

I remember when you took me to the concert.

That was one of those "moments" I will never forget. We sang.

We cried. We were part of the making of a legend!!!

Had it not been for you, I wouldn't know them the way you did.

I see them through your eyes. They're in my playlist, before, now and

always.

James, you spent your days living in these lyrics.

Living the love, showing people how to love. Showing

us how to live. Thank you for your love. Without a doubt

we knew we were, I knew I was loved.

Love You!

~Kamela

Monday, September 15, 2008

Miss You Dearly

I dreamt of you last night.

These past two days have been really difficult.

I felt you alot. I felt you very near to me.

It's choking me.

The dream last night was so real. I felt the hurt.

I felt the tears. I felt the fear.

But..

You always made me smile.

You always knew how.

The littlest things you did brought joy to me.

My most favorite gift you gave me was the

goofy keychain. I remember when you gave it

to me. It out the biggest smile on my face and

warmed my heart and still does to this day.

God...I can't do this...

I feel so empty.

To have you here.

To have you call me and say hi.

To tell me about one of the crazy women in your life.

lol. you had some drama. lol.

Just to talk. To hear your voice.

To hear you smile on the other line.

I could hear the feelings on your face always

when we spoke. You'd tried to be cool and

act like you don't care but I knew...I knew it all.

I cannot make any sense of this.

you not here, it doesn't feel right. This is not the

way it was suppose to be. You were suppose to

help me look for an apartment. You promised you

would help me. You promised me.

Sometimes, times like now, I feel like I'm going insane!!

You knew. You knew me.

You knew when to call me. Cuz I needed to hear your

voice but was too proud to call. You knew and You still

know. And so do I...

~Love You Always and Forever

Kamela

Sunday, September 14, 2008

James and the giant peach fuzz!!

I remember long ago, when

James and I worked together,

it's actually where we met.

All the ladies loved him ofcourse.

He was very sweet with his words

and would make any women feel beauitful.

Well, one day he told me that he was going to

get a haircut. I was like ok.

I was the first one to get to work.

Then he got there about two hours later.

When I saw him, my mouth dropped to the floor!!!

His hair cut was the most awful thing I've ever seen!!

It was cut down soooo low. It just look like peach fuzz!!

And ya'll know with that head and those big ears, it was

pretty bad!!!

When he saw the look on my face, he got so embarassed,

he went upto the breakroom and wouldn't come down.

Oh my goodness! It was so bad that I told not to ever

get a haircut with me!!!!

Now I'll have to do alot with him...

It feels weird bc I didn't realize how much

he was in my life, even when he wasn't, he was.

LFAAD

~Kamela

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