Dearest James,: September 2008

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Hi!

I finally saw you in a dream last week. We were in the park playing catch for a long while. After the park I was at home sleeping and you called me from your battery park apartment talking about “Lets go to the Club” I stated I was sleepy and you called me a “BURGER”. I said “what club James?” You replied “The club on NewKirk”

That was crazy because I just move to Brooklyn and you always use to say “I’m not going to Brooklyn to see you Bitch if you move to Brooklyn” All I was thinking in my sleep what the hell James knows about the club on Newkirk. Funny dream it was!

I miss you James

I can’t even think about you being gone. I just push it in the back of my head.

Anyway

Love You!

***Manta***

Monday, September 29, 2008

Fwd: FW: F A M I L Y

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.

He said, 'Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you.'

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,

'While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'

By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.

'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'

He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'

I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.'

He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay.

I love you anyway.'

I said, 'Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company

that we are working for could easily replace us in

a matter of days.

But the family we left behind will feel the loss

for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more

into work than into our own family,

an unwise investment indeed,

don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

Pass this message to 7 people except you and me ..

You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

Don't ignore and God will bless you

--
~Kamela

Miss you still....

James,

I missed you alot today.
Last night you were in my dreams,
it was you and Jordyn.
I cried alot in this dream bc
you were trying to prepare
everything because you knew
you were going to leave us.
Ans you needed to make sure that
Jordyn would be taken cared of.
And I tried my hardest but,
you didn't want me to, because it
would be too hard for me.
I told you how could I not????
I took care of him when she was younger,
we went to the park, I combed her hair,
fell asleep together. I told you and know that
No hardship to myself
mattered of matters to me...

I woke up this morning, had no class
today, but needed my friend today,
my buddy,, my pal...got some news,
needed you to assure me it's no big deal...
I sat and cried...I need you here!!

Had lunch...watched some music vidoes
Back to back to back...played
Ribon Thicke, MJ, and Alicia Keys..
I remember how jealous you got when
I told you that I meant Alicia Keys
and spoke to her and told you how nice
she was.
The first thing you asked was,
"Well, is it really big??"
I thought what a jerk!! lol
And yes it was everything you hoped for...
I remember one day when you called me
just to tell me how great you thought
Robin Thicke is, and gave me the low down
on him :)

When it rains you, it pours you.
I miss you...

Love Always
~Kamela

Thursday, September 25, 2008

........

Ok, James, we know the Yankees suck!!!
I thought I missed a call from you taunting me lol
Yea...well this if the first time since 1995 since the
Yankees didn't not make it to the post season.
It's gonna be weird?!!? I know you had to have
something to do with that..."angels in the outfield..."lol
Your boys though, they hustled and clinched!!
They made it into the post season...we'll see!

oxox
~Kamela

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Crazy hair cuts

James was the most charming person I'd ever known, he had you doing things for him and you didn't even realize you were doing it until you were done

He had a way of convincing that you were the best at what ever it is that he wanted you to do for him. lol

It was so odd that he was the only person I could do just about anything for no one else.

As I'm sitting here writing this story I can't help but laugh

I remember when he decided he wasn't going to the barber shop to cut his hair any more.

One day I had decided to spent the night at his house

I walk into his apartment and he was in the bathroom, to which I ask what are you doing?

To which he responded cutting my hair. I'm like, what? Are you serious?

He was like hell yeah, I said to him are you looking at your head because you fuck it up big time, why don't you go let the barber cut it

Hell no that's why you are going to fix it for me

I was like are you crazy I can't cut your hair I'll fuck it up even more

He was like no you won't just do what I tell you, I don't know why I was even arguing with him because two minutes later I was in his bathroom with him cutting his hair. lol It wasn't great but it was much better than what he did.

From then on he had me cutting his hair because he refuse to go and get it cut.

It was so funny there were times he would come in to work with a mess up hair cut he gave himself

and we would laugh and I'd be like you cut yourself didn't you

He would be like yep, then he would say to me if you had come over and cut like you suppose to I wouldn't be walking around with a fuck up hair cut

You always knew when James cut his hair himself because on the top of his head one side was always higher than the other

The oddest thing was he didn't care

That is what I loved about him he never cared what anyone else thought about him, except for the people who really mattered to him

He was the best

Love big head miss those funny moments

Erin

Strange moment (Your Desk)

Hi James,

Even though I know you are never going to be seating at your desk, I couldn't help but feel sad

when I saw that there was someone else seating there. To me it will always be your desk.

It was was weird when I saw this person seating there my stomach did a flip. I'm not sure why

I knew eventually someone would be there but I guess I wasn't fully prepared to see anyone physically seating at your desk

I guess this is when I have to tell myself that, this is the way things are going to be from now on. Someone else is there and I guess

I'm going to have to get use to it. I don't think I can get use to that idea just yet, but I'm sure one day when I least expect it

will happen

Love you James

Erin

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Just One more thought...

These play back and forth in my head....

"That's not the way you dooooo it, darling"
"I know that newspaper is not on my couch!"
" Wow, did you see that?? Now that's a sexy mamma jamma"
"Not matter how you look at it, I'm the Whitest Black person you'll ever meet"
"Yo, you gotta hear this song!!"
"Ok, just one more song.'
"This is the last song, I promise you!"
"Thanks, for being a sport"
"You're my pal, you know that?"
"Come oooon, let's go!"
"Can I stay ova??"
"You're mom's cooking curry? no? well she is now!!"
...

Now, it's definitely Goodnight! :)
FAAD
~Kamela

Right Now...

James...
I
miss
you.
simply
put.

Goodnight
~Kamela

Monday, September 22, 2008

keeping up with the grunes' clan

aye, james. do you see this shit down here? first, im so freaking happy that so many people were able to make it to our quicky wedding. i cant even tell you, bro. we didnt get enough time to spend with everyone - which sucked. but besides that, it was so much fun. i now know why weddings can go to 5 hours long - you want to be able to sit and chat with everyone. shit, i spent more time with your moms than i did with my own fam!! but they knew before i even told them it was Ann, and they were so wonderful about it. my aunt is great - you would have been proud. her and pat were able to say hello to everyone. i cant even tell you how lucky we are that my ex-mother-in-law is like our mom - to both me and daniel. she's so great and she loved you so much.

we all did, you bastard. i so still wanna kick your ass, you have no idea.

so, we are starting to leak the news more and more about our TWINS!! i told veronica the night of the wedding - and she had a dream that she lost a tooth which meant a baby - turns out its us! what the hell. this was the last thing we expected but it's a huge blessing. we are sooo scared and nervous. i started another blog diary about the twins, of course, cause we need to keep track of every single second. i actually wish i started sooner - the day we found out - well i should say those two weeks during right before the wedding when you stalked me like crazy in my dreams - and you told me to take the pregnancy test and i did - POSITIVE and i told you to take care of it and you did - 4 days before the wedding the doctor said TWINS. and now we are 10 weeks - still not officially in the clear but it's so hard to hide the huge belly bump already. i thought i could being a "muffin top" and shit, but not really.

and i started writing again, regularly. all the things i used to tell you privately. all of our sex talks. all of our secrets.

it's nice to be able to share again.

i want to believe that you played a really big part in giving us the chiclets.

there's no other reason for it - so of course im going to blame you, as always.

i love you, darlin.

thank you.

xxzaidaxx

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Tenderoni....lol

Tenderoni: is a slang terminology which refers to a younger male or female love interest or someone too young to talk to or become involved with. It is composed of "tender", which is a synonym for young and "roni" which usually serves as an affectionate diminutive towards a male or female. It denotes your younger sweetheart, your younger better half, your younger boyfriend/girlfriend.

James you were the One! The only guy I know who ever talked
about a "tenderoni". Guys nowadays don't talk about love,
being in love, being in love with a "lady".
If James called you his lady, you were pretty lucky.
No guy brings you flowers bc they want to.
Guys don't think about you when they see something
that reminds them of you and someone else would deems insignificant.
Love means not much these days.
It's an inconvenience, a hassle, no one feels anything any more
bc they are afraid to get hurt.
getting hurt is part of it.
A brokenheart...no one goes looking for one,
but to not love bc your afraid, please!
To feel love grow inside you, to hold it,
have it hold you. That's the best!!

For James, for back in the day...wish you were here...you make me smile...
over and over again! Thank you...

"The truth about Roni, she's a sweet little girl
You could treat her real nice and hold her tight
Only tender ronis can give special love
A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love

My heart (ouh) belongs to tender roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart, baby)
My heart (Yeah) belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's always on the phone
Talkin' to her homeboy, wishin' they were home alone, ooh
She send you lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
This is what a real tender roni likes to do to you

And if you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wild world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only lover)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love"

Bobby Brown...

For all the loves of James' life...all the woman in his life...

--
~Kamela

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Playlist...

Stevie is about love.

Overjoyed was I when we could, would talk.

Speak about this and that, them, him and her,

and everything in between.

Marvin is soulful.

James you physically made (lol) me sit and listen to so many,

many songs!!!

When you made me listen to "The Star Spangle Banner",

and Marvin sang it, wow

was I in love. I never knew a song like that

could be so soulful.

Thankyou, James.

Michael is vulnerable. You felt his pain when he sang.

You allowed us to be vulnerable in our quiet times.

George has the voice to die for according to you. lol

You, you can make a girl spend four hours on the phone, breakin dawn....

Sam is the orginal, THE original. The first footprint in the sand.

You, my dear James, have left the deepest footprints in hearts, in my heart.

Let's not forget..

New Edition, omgosh!! Pioneers in their time, and the dancing!!!

James, I'm telling you, you should have been in the group!! I think

you thought you had the moves. Your were too much, especially the

spin!!!

Maxwell, well I had to through him in just because...no reason needed.

I remember when you took me to the concert.

That was one of those "moments" I will never forget. We sang.

We cried. We were part of the making of a legend!!!

Had it not been for you, I wouldn't know them the way you did.

I see them through your eyes. They're in my playlist, before, now and

always.

James, you spent your days living in these lyrics.

Living the love, showing people how to love. Showing

us how to live. Thank you for your love. Without a doubt

we knew we were, I knew I was loved.

Love You!

~Kamela

Monday, September 15, 2008

Miss You Dearly

I dreamt of you last night.

These past two days have been really difficult.

I felt you alot. I felt you very near to me.

It's choking me.

The dream last night was so real. I felt the hurt.

I felt the tears. I felt the fear.

But..

You always made me smile.

You always knew how.

The littlest things you did brought joy to me.

My most favorite gift you gave me was the

goofy keychain. I remember when you gave it

to me. It out the biggest smile on my face and

warmed my heart and still does to this day.

God...I can't do this...

I feel so empty.

To have you here.

To have you call me and say hi.

To tell me about one of the crazy women in your life.

lol. you had some drama. lol.

Just to talk. To hear your voice.

To hear you smile on the other line.

I could hear the feelings on your face always

when we spoke. You'd tried to be cool and

act like you don't care but I knew...I knew it all.

I cannot make any sense of this.

you not here, it doesn't feel right. This is not the

way it was suppose to be. You were suppose to

help me look for an apartment. You promised you

would help me. You promised me.

Sometimes, times like now, I feel like I'm going insane!!

You knew. You knew me.

You knew when to call me. Cuz I needed to hear your

voice but was too proud to call. You knew and You still

know. And so do I...

~Love You Always and Forever

Kamela

Sunday, September 14, 2008

James and the giant peach fuzz!!

I remember long ago, when

James and I worked together,

it's actually where we met.

All the ladies loved him ofcourse.

He was very sweet with his words

and would make any women feel beauitful.

Well, one day he told me that he was going to

get a haircut. I was like ok.

I was the first one to get to work.

Then he got there about two hours later.

When I saw him, my mouth dropped to the floor!!!

His hair cut was the most awful thing I've ever seen!!

It was cut down soooo low. It just look like peach fuzz!!

And ya'll know with that head and those big ears, it was

pretty bad!!!

When he saw the look on my face, he got so embarassed,

he went upto the breakroom and wouldn't come down.

Oh my goodness! It was so bad that I told not to ever

get a haircut with me!!!!

Now I'll have to do alot with him...

It feels weird bc I didn't realize how much

he was in my life, even when he wasn't, he was.

LFAAD

~Kamela

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Wedding!

Oh My! It was bitter but sooo sweet.. Bitter because James wasn’t there physically sooo sweet because Zadia & Daniel are married and sooo happy. I know you were looking down on this one James. Oh my! They took it way back with the ole sckol candy, I was hype. The cameras with the “Jamesism” statements was FUNNY! James I wish so much that your were there. It was beautiful and fun.

I wanted to cry soon as I saw Zadia. I’m sure we all felt the same way. Your family was there, Jack is crazy, he reminds me of you James. Your sister had me laughing so hard, Veronica had me laughing as well. What had me really cracking up is your mom, on my way out she had me laughing, I didn’t want to leave.

It was wonderful sharing thoughts and memories about you with people who love you will always will. We had a good time. I was feeling “NIZCE” as you and Toni will say.

To Zadia & Daniel, Carlos and I aren’t Jewish but please believe we went home saying “I want a wedding like that” LOL It was really beautiful and creative. I LOVED IT.

**Manta**

The Wedding

Hey buddy,

I finally met Zaida at her wedding it was wonderful and I know you would have been very proud of her and Daniel.

You spoke about her so much when you were here I felt like I had already knew her.

The wedding was wonderful and she looked beautiful. I wish you could have been there to see her.

But I'm sure you were there. It was a really beautiful day the weather was perfect. It couldn't have been more perfect.

I was thinking about you the entire time, what you would have done and the jokes would probably would have made lol

I had such a great time seeing everyone again, your mom, brother, sister and Veronica

All I kept thinking was how you brought all of the people you love and care about together.

I also kept thinking a few months from now that would have been you and Veronica

I guess that why I miss you even more.

Love always James

Erin

Monday, September 8, 2008

Sunday September 07, 2008

It's funny because on Sunday morning I had a similar dream.

I dreamt you were alive and you had tears in your eyes.

You were happy to be back.

You said that you had to let us know why you went away,

and that you missed us. But you had to leave again...

I cried and cried. I woke up crying....But it felt good

b/c I haven't dreamt of you in a while....Then I

had to go for a run and I talked to you the entire way....

It's weird how your presence is so strong.

How we all feel you and you talk to you,

how could you not, that's all you ever did,

talk..talk...talk...talk....

sometimes I felt like saying "James, shut Up!!!"

I think I told you to a couple of times...

you didn't handle it very well lol!!

Last night your girl did it!!

And you were there!! I know it!

I felt it!

Jenny kept saying the funniest "Jamesisms"

OMGosh it was scary!!! it was like she had an '

outter body experience. it was strange!!!

but it was so beautiful they even danced!!

There was so much love, loves from the past,

loves from the present, and we were all

brought together by you!

Zaida, she was beautiful. And she was Happy!

And I know you were the one messin with the dogs!!

lol!!

Love You!!!
~Kamela

Friday, September 5, 2008

Dreaming of you

I dreamt about you this last weekend, I would dream about you all the time but for some reason this one was different

I can't explain it but I just know it was different. Normally, when I would dream about you it would be very hazy and foggy and I can't remember much I would wake up sad and just cry. However, this time everything was clear, every detail to what you were wearing and every gesture you made this time I remembered what you said to me.

You had on the brown corduroy pants you always wear with your strip sweater. I know its crazy right.

The few times dreamt about you, you normally wouldn't say anything to me you would just look at me, or when you did I wouldn't remember what it is that you had said to me. Although, you didn't say much in this dream, you said enough and I understood.

In this dream everyone was at work standing by your desk, and as usual I'm was the last one to know what was is going on lol. In the dream it felt as though you were waiting for me to come, when I walk toward you, I kept saying to myself out loud in the dream, this is a dream, this is a dream. Then you said to me come here and I said no I started backing away, then you said come here again which I did, and you hugged me which felt so, so real, and then you whispered my ear something that made me laugh, to which I said get out of here. After you hugged me you slowly back away and I mouthed to Toni, I'm happy you are alive but I mad at you for doing that to us. Even you little brother Jack was in on it. You went to go hugged Sammy but she wouldn't let you her back was toward you but you hugged her anyway, she was mad at you not sure why. I said to everyone oh my god who is going to tell Zaida you are alive the wedding is at the end of the week, I know that is some crazy dream right. You stood there for a little while look at everyone then look at me and I look up at you and just like in the movies there was a twinkle star in your eyes, and then you started walking away, everyone was so busy talking because they were so happy they didn't notice you were leaving, you went around the corner and I woke up. Normally I would wake up sad, but this time I actually woke smiling because I remembered what you whispered to me. For the first time in three months since you've been gone and dreaming about you I didn't wake up crying or sad, I did cry a little because I still miss you but it wasn't tears of sadness it because I knew I had to let you go and I didn't want too. And also I knew you are taking care of all of us one person at a time like you always did when you were here. I woke up feeling so at peace, and I knew right then that in order for me to get use to you not being in my life I had to let you go.

I love you James aka big head

love always

Erin

hi buddy,

youve been hanging out in my dreams most every night the last two weeks - some were good, some were scary, one i was yelling at you to "just take care of it!" and you said something stern and slammed the phone down then the doctor gave us some insane news the next morning. last night was the strangest of them all - i dreamt that you were dead in your casket which i kept in my living room. and that your family came to see me and i put pillows on it so they would have somewhere to sit (!!!) and your mom was helping me clean like you used to every time you came over. she was sweeping and mopping and doing dishes, and jack accidentally hit the casket and it fell and i tried to raise your body and your head almost fell off. except you werent a real body it was like a wax figure of you in the casket but this time you didnt look like you were 50 like you did at your funeral - you were young, and had pink rosy cheeks and red lips. you were gorgeous, like always, as usual.

ive been hella nervous and have been talking to you daily and you have been with me almost every night so thank you.

you even inspired me to start blogging again, for real this time, like back in the day, when you refused to read my stories because like you used to say

i live this shit - i dont need another fucking recap!

i love you james,

xxzaidaxx

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Smiles All around...

I went about my day today.

I missed you.

I thought of you and smiled,

got choked up and miss you some more.

I sooo need to speak with you.

What can I do?? What do I do now??

So much has happened...

So much to tell...

So much to share...

Smiles to give and receive...

But you know what you took your share...

and gave some back...

Love you...
~Kamela

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