It's been hard to breathe lately. i look at his pic that I have in my room and my hearts stops and i think why?
why? James? couldn't you just hang around for those who loved you unconditional, we would have been
there for you always and anytime. With any phone call, at any hour, if let us and even when you didn't we
(I) were there! i am still trying to learn how to breathe...your post made me cry the tears I haven't been able
to cry and usually i am a blubbering fool! my brother came in my room and saw james' pic and sat on my bed
and said i can't believe you're not here James. it's like i am angry that someone has this much impact on me everyday.
I can't, I don't know how i am suppose to live with out him, with out you. You were the one person i thought I'd have
in my life forever, now matter where our lives took us, i was never gonna give having you in my life, because
connections made from the soul never disconnect, never sever. Life has changed without you, and now i see how
life would be if we've never met, if i never knew you.
Zaida, I actually don't know James with you. It's funny. Because we all shared and loved him and yet he kept us
to himself. You probably know things about me that I don't know you know, and I know you through him...and now we
are connected for life!
Love forever and a Day
~Kamela
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
in response to zaida....
Longest Post Ever
a few days ago, my new friend, Gillian, and i were talking about energy. about feeling vibes and feeling energy. like when someone walks into a room and you know whether shit is going to be kosher or not.
it's 5:54am and im so freaked the fuck out right now that i need to turn the light on.
i was telling her that after you died i kept seeing you everywhere. i heard your voice in my right ear over and over, telling me what to do, calming me down. that you kept coming to me when i was awake and when i was asleep. for weeks after you passed. that i was pretty much certifiable, and that daniel wanted to have me committed to a psych ward because seeing dead people is crazy.
fuck. i cant stop crying now. it's all coming back. you came to me in this dream a few minutes ago and im so overwhelmed with grief again because IT WAS JUST SO REAL. YOU WERE SO ALIVE IN MY DREAM JAMES.
earlier this evening i was telling Gillian tha t i wished she could have met you. that she would have loved you. that if she met you she would have known who i am completely. that there was no me without James. there was no major decision in my adult life that you were not a part of. that you were part of my very existence. that you were hip hop and i am hip hop and that nobody got that about me but you.
oh my fucking god im so overwhelmed right now im melting.
im fairly sure i just snotted on my keyboard.
i left her house and didnt think anything more. just that i love you so much and it was nice to talk about you without sadness, finally.
fast forward to an hour ago.
4:45am daniel was leaving for work as usual, and i got up to kiss him good bye. Stella was sound asleep in her crib, and Gabriel was stirring in his. he had slept through his last feeding so i knew it would be time for him to get up soon. i picked him up and brought him into bed. gave him a bottle before it went stale, then debated on nursing him to sleep. it would be a bad habit to start, i thought, because then he wont go to bed without breastfeeding. so i nursed him and put him down. he woke up wide awake thrilled to see me with a giant smile on his face, and i thought oh crap he is going to wake Stella up so let me bring him back to bed. another thing i try not to do is cosleep because again with two babies it's too difficult to have them in bed with us- better to teach them how to sleep in their own bed right off the bat. but Gabriel started playing with my cheek. rubbing it sort of with his tiny little fist. so i snuggled in with him really tight. he started to get sleepy and so did i. the last thing i remember before i went to sleep was saying in my head
thank you, James. thank you for giving me Gabriel. in one dream you told me i was pregnant, and then in another dream i told you to give me my dead baby back and you did. you gave me Gabriel.
laying with Gabriel an hour ago i absolutely knew that to be 100% true. i wanted my boy that i lost the week before you died, and you gave him back to me.
i guess i fell asleeep, because here i am crying hysterically about the dream you came to me in.
and now the dream:
daniel and i were volunteering at some hospital/community center/shelter of some sort. lots of weird stuff happens, as usual with us anyway, not so unusual for a dream either. we walked out to the street. it was the first snow. in a different city. in the middle of the street was a guy that used to live in our neighborhood, that hosts his own science show. he was live tweeting something from the middle of the street. we threw a party for him a few weeks ago, but i couldnt go to meet him because the babies were sick. so seeing him in the middle of the street live tweeting i got really excited. there was a eyewitness news van a few feet away, with cameras recording him. i dragged daniel to the van to see what the project was. in my excitement, the cameramen asked to record me asking how i knew the guy. i went through the whole spiel just bubbling trying to remember every detail. at one point he looks down at the camera and said
it didnt record. mind if we quote you and take a picture?
so i said sure. then a bunch of people ran over to me beside me and back of me to stand in the photo. one of those people was Jordyn. im all JORDYN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? I DIDNT EVEN SEE YOU! and she ran to me and hugged me. so we posed for the photo. the camera guy was in front of the truck but the side doors were open, like a minivan. i had noticed people in the van but didnt know any of them. we were smiling for the camera, and the guy kept saying one more one more...
that's when i saw you among the people in the van, over his shoulder. you were mugging. like, playing a trick on me to see how long it would take me to notice that you standing there in the middle of like 6 strangers. i did a double take, and then i started mouthing WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
it was so real so real so real i have goosebumps all over again.
you started laughing and came out from behind them and gave me a hug like i hadnt felt in so long. and im all WHAT THE FUCK are you doing here??? and you said
C'mon, Zaida. Did you really think I was going to let my daughter be in your dream and not be here?
and you started laughing and im laughing still in shock. of course not. of course he wouldnt let Jordyn out of his sight for a second.
and im all, but but but the camera guy. and the camera guy says
I not really a camera guy. I'm dead too.
and you both started laughing like you got away with the best prank ever.
you were both friends. i've never seen this guy before in my life, but you guys are buddies on the other side. and you were so comfortable with each other - i knew in my heart that he was your confidant, that you told him your secrets, and i found comfort knowing that you werent alone. he is a white preppy dude. dark hair. amazing smile. light eyes. not sure if they were blue or brown, but enough to light up a room. dimples.
and you and i were talking. you were saying that you still dont know how or why you died. that it was bullshit. that you got robbed. and
I told you! I told you I was going to die young but you didnt believe me.
but you know what's going on. that it's crazy how you can be aware of everything even if you are not exactly there at the moment. and Jordyn was running around, and you were beaming. BEAMING. it was the first dream ive seen you in after you died where you were actually happy. and in the dream i kept asking people around me if they could see you. i asked daniel and he said no. James, you told me that i was the only one who could see you and your friend in the dream. i started getting upset. upset and crying like i am now. saying it's not fair it's not fair. and you touched my face and said
It's going to be okay, Zaida.
and i took a long deep breath when your hand touched my skin.
a breath that woke me up.
it was almost like i had stopped breathing, and the breath made my heart beat again.
i looked down, and Gabriel was still snuggled in my chest, sound asleep.
and here i am crying, a full hour after i woke up, typing this out
so i wont forget a thing you said to me.
by the way, you looked really young and handsome. not a zit in sight. hair was tight. skin moisturized. very well put together.
i appreciate the effort.
it was obvious you knew i was coming.
xxZxx
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Go Yankees!!
So sorry I have to be the one who tells ya, or taunts you with the Yankees sweeping
your Red Sox!! Woohoo! Not just sweeping but are heading to Post Season! I'd
call you and be silent and have you do all the smack talking and when you're out
of breath, which is rare, or you'd because it was so silent, you stop to check if I was
still on the line, only then would I so my share of the smack talk. =)
Miss you!
Kamela
Miss you...
Oh my dearest friend...I'm am angry again because this is not the I want to talk to
you. I miss you sooo much. I miss your laugh and crude sense of humor and
your...what sense does all this make??? A year and almost four months later,
and still I feel like my heart has been ripped out. It doesn't get easier. It just
doesn't. I hang my head in sadness when I think what has become. I am tired
and don't feel like dealing with this. It's not fair. I want to call you, talk to you, to be
quiet with you. A have a friend and he reminds you so much of you and he makes
me laugh so hard, then my heart stops and I lose my breath because I think of you.
~Love Always,
Kamela
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Hi
Hi James, I miss you badly. I think about you everyday but for the last few days you have been on my mind heavy that I actually felt sadness in my heart like I never felt before. It was stronger than usual. I guess the thought of you not being here is really hitting me now. I know a year and a half later…
Well, I gave birth to my baby girl two month early. She was born July 19, isn't that crazy. Her name is "Jordyn Susan Brewster" She is wonderful. She's amazing. I just wish you were here to see her. I know you would have taught her some crazy things to say, the first word you might have taught her is "Boom Boom".
Oh James I really miss you. You were like a brother I never had seriously. I haven't seen you in my dreams in a long time. Have you forgotten about me?
Well just wanted you to know I really miss you.
Love Always
BFF Manta
Thursday, September 3, 2009
...
Oh my, how much I miss you.
I realize and always knew you were family.
I miss your smile and I heard your voice
crisp and clear in mid sleep early one morning
this week. It woke me up and I smiled and got
sad. How do you replace such a face, such a
smile, such a being? How do I go on with out?
You always have inspired me and continue to inspire
me. Your likeness. Your kindness. Your face.
Your being inspires me. I miss you James.
~Kamela
