Hey there....
It's a quiet day in my head today.
Everything else is buzzing, but I feel quiet today.
You have always given me so much to be thankful for,
good or bad, I was thankful for it.
I'll think of you much and smile to myself.
I remember thanksgiving at Maureen's house,
talk about crazy!! Between You, the kids and the older
folks it was crazy and I remember sitting back just watching,
and thinking this is what it's all about!!!
A big family where the men fight about football, the kids run around
screaming, the Moms talk about who made what and who's taste
better, and the grandma's walk around saying "ehh, whadaya say???"
I am thankful you allowed me to be part of that.
Things are destined to change.
Lives must change.
We have no choice but accept it and move on.
But I won't. I can't. at least not right now.
It's not ok that you're not here.
It's not comfortable, your absence.
And I won't be fine with you gone.
So I just need everyone else to be ok with
me not being ok right now.
I don't want to explain to death why my head is hung so low.
I don't want to tell you why my eyes are puffy and red, and
besides I have no strength and you will never understand,
although you say you so, you don't and won't.
Just don't ask...
Instead I'll talk to the one person who knows how I feel.
I came across a letter you wrote to me.
I must have gone through my box 50 times already.
And I never before found this particular letter.
You wrote it to me when my Dad passed.
You said you understood how I felt to lose someone
and you said it was ok to cry. That it was expected.
You said that you know how it feels to want to have
that person here to have them witness your life.
But that in time I would have to continue on, and
to know that you love me. So I will gladly take
what you gave me and be thankful just to have known you
much less love you......FAAD
~~Kamela~~
Thursday, November 27, 2008
................
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Missing you so much...
Monday, November 24, 2008
"i'm so lost without you"
i dont ever want to get comfortable with you not being here.
not ever. not until the day i die.
last week, you played a trick on us. i know it was you. nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
daniel and i went grocery shopping. it was the first time i was actually feeling like a normal human being in weeks. no morning sickness, no migraines, no crankiness. it was a rare treat. it was just two of us, me and my husband, unpacking the compra on to the counter, bantering, teasing, flirting, goofing off.
we were there maybe 5 minutes tops, when suddenly the cd player in the kitchen turned itself on and started playing.
the song was: "better when we're together"
here's the thing - that fucking cd player hasnt worked in YEARS. it's one you and i bought together, james. i keep it in the kitchen because i like listening to the radio when im washing dishes or doing laundry. daniel listens to his classic rock station when he's cooking. i know i used to tease you about having a cd player in your bathroom when my shit was just the same, only in a different room. a few days before that night i was complaining about all the commercials and how much i hate the radio, and daniel did something to the crystal or whatever that gets the cd to play. it worked. all these years without playing cds and he fixed it in 2 seconds. the problem is that we put every cd we owned in storage, except for the one that ryan tried to play not knowing it didnt work. we didnt know he left it in there, but there it was, and now it was playing.
so we are standing in the kitchen, laughing, and all of a sudden all by itself this fucking cd starts playing and it's a song about a couple who is always better when they are together.
and i asked daniel, how did you do that? how did you turn it on from over there? did you find the remote?
and he was all i thought you turned it on?
and im all but im standing right here and youre looking at me theres no way i could turn it on without you seeing me
and he looked at me and i looked at him and i started to cry
oh man i cried and cried and he hugged me and i cried oh my god it's james it's james he heard me today oh james i miss you so much and i cried more while daniel held me tight
see, i had been thinking about you all that day. i had been asking you to help me with something, to give me a sign, to show me that you still exist, if not here then close where you can hear my heart and my thoughts and my prayers - if you can hear me just tell me show me something familiar
and right at the perfect moment, when i was feeling uber happiness, you played a song on the cd player for us
we we all know how much you communicated your feelings through music
how much music touched you, how much you appreciated the lyric the melody the soul coming from the singers the songwriters how you would tear up when you heard the perfect verse
how you would hit rewind in case we missed it the first time
and how many times i didnt tell you that you were my music i never heard more music alone than when i was with you and how one of the last things we purchased together was that 70's CD boxset collection with barry manilow and the bee gee's and all those other corny fuckers. remember that night? we kept watching that informercial over and over again and you said we should buy it we should split it that you would download it all to your ipod then i can take the cds and we'd share it
it's been almost a week, and that cd player keeps turning on by itself, when im alone, when im thinking of you.
daniel thinks it's a short circuit, and i say bullshit.
you and i sang this song, that night, watching that informercial in the dark, acting silly. and we coudlnt remember who sang it, because the name hadnt scrolled across the screen. yea, we kept hitting rewind, and then we finally caved:
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
Chorus:
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
xxzaidaxx
Maxwell!!!!
Hey I just got back from the Maxwell
concert.
It was inspiring...
I loved it.
It was definitely a different Maxwell.
He wasn't the same as when you and
I saw him.
But of course you followed me there...
There were these people sitting behind us
and for an hour the kept talking about their
friend...his name was James...
So all I heard for an hour was
James...blah....blah...James...blah...blah...James...
blah....blah....James...blah...blah...James...
My life never ceases to amaze me! lol
I was like you motherhella...lol
I laughed...what more was I to do?!?
But it was good.
Maxwell started out with "Get to know ya",
like I knew he would and ended with "Ascension"
He left my knees weak!!
I was singing every word...dancing...it was intense!
It was a good shift in spirit, in thoughts,
in gravity...
oxoxoxoxox
~Kamela
Sunday, November 23, 2008
exhale....
I got it back.
I can't believe you kept the other half,
all these years.
Now the book can be whole again.
It sat on your self,
the way it sat on mine.
Half of a whole.
Incomplete.
Not knowing what fumble came next.
Reaching.
Searching.
Climbing.
Who dares to do that?
To be brave and know that you deserve better.
That He deserved better.
That She deserved better.
Better. Better. Better.
Now what?
Who's to say that this "better" is "better"?
Now that words makes no sense.
Say it enough times and it sounds like...
an exhale...
I love you.
Kamela
Friday, November 21, 2008
...
Ok, I'm feeling a little crazy lately.
I was out for lunch in SoHo today around
1ish, and I nearly fell over cuz I thought I saw
you. This is sooo not cool, dude.
Why do ya keep hanging around me?
I mean I really don't mind! I never did, but
I'm feelin just a little overwhelmed right now,
ya know, with you being gone and all the dreams,
and thoughts, and just feeling you around me, alot.
For my sanity,
I hope you're driving everyone else just as crazy!
Cuz this is just crazy!
Maybe I just miss you too much!
You're my oldest friend, my closest friend. And you were
such a big part of my life for a long while, and then after that
you stayed constant. And I guess now thinking about it, this is
all normal. I just miss someone who was and is very important to me.
James Shawn Agostini, I would never in a million years thought I would
have to face forever with you.
Ok...now that I'm rationalizing everything out loud, it doesn't sound too. bad.
Then I think what would I tell someone else in my shoes???
I would say...
That this is normal.
That you are going through one of the most difficult times in your life.
I would say that death is never easy to deal with,
especially when it is unexpected.
I would say that all your fears, all your feelings are the layers of the relationship
that you shared.
I would say that it is ok to cry.
Crying is just making room for healing, understanding, and acceptance.
I would say take your time and don't rush this time.
Because these feelings will the strongest and the freshest right now.
Hold onto the great memories and make a place for them because you'll need them
again to remind you, and keep you close to them....
So feel this all, take it all in...
In the end you'll be fine!
~Kamela
Thursday, November 20, 2008
:/
I miss you.
I miss everything.
I'm not doing well right.
I had a "James Moment" just a few moments ago
with Kim, myself, Jack Ryan and the phone.
It was so silly. And it was you reincarnated.
It was loud and out of control and fun.
It was soooo how it used to be between the three of us.
And I miss that.
I miss talking to you about baseball.
I miss you ranting to me about baseball, about...about...what?!?!?!?
nothing. damn nothing. Because we could do that, just be on the phone and
talk about nothing. It was nice.
oxoxo
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Odds and Ends...
OMG!!!! the puzzles.
the puzzles.
the puzzles drove me insane!!
I bought for you at
Christmas.
Birthdays.
Or just any plain
old ordinary day.
I miss the puzzles.
You had the time.
The patience, I never had. lol
Love,
~Kamela
Monday, November 17, 2008
Always...
I had a moment of peace.
I woke up with silence between these
spaces of mine...
got on the train and headed to school.
then came a guy on the train,
doing what he needed to survive.
He then belted out the sweetness of Stevie.
"I'll be loving you...always"
I smiled. A guy saw me smile and smiled as well,
he had his own reason for smiling. Someone he loved,
this song reminded him of. Someone good. Someone pure.
Someone he knew that loved him, always.
I sighed.
I smiled.
Continued reading my book.
Then got off the train...
Always,
~Kamela
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I am...
"How soon my sorrow hath destroyed my face."
Williams Shakespeare
I am sad because I miss you.
I miss you because you are not here.
You are not here, and I am sad.
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Not for long....
Well, so much for peace of mind.
That didn't last 15 minutes!
Dammit~!
I'm there again.
In that dark place.
How do I find myself there??????
I need reason.
I need sanity!!!
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My letter of Solace...
My dearest James.
I have found my conviction tonight.
I have discovered the root of the death of part of me.
It has been you.
It has always been you.
Since that day I felt that I have lost my mind.
I lost a part of me.
And I did.
I lost you.
You have embodied to me so much more than who you were.
You stood for so many, many things.
I need to forgive me.
I forgave you.
Now it's my turn.
I need to say that
I am sorry
I am sorry that I let you down,
But that name you gave me, was too much to bear.
I am just a girl.
And I feel that you know it's not my fault.
It's not anyone's fault.
It just is.
It doesn't change anything in my mind and heart for you.
I see now.
I can close my eyes tonight for the first time in five months and
sleep.
And I feel you right now.
I feel a weight has been lifted. One that has stifled me.
Suffocated me.
Now that I have come to terms with the act of forgiving of myself,
I will work on doing so.
I anticipate it being harder than forgiving someone else.
But I know you, you were sweet and kind.
And if given the chance, you would not want anyone person to bear any pain or sorrow of life's chances that are out of our hands.
I understand that now.
I feel at ease. I am still.
Thanks for talking some sense into me...My Forever Angel
I love you always.
~Kamela
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Crazy...
Reading Zaida blog post my mind ran wild and my memories...
memoires of you chased me down......
21!
Before I meet you my favorite number was and still is 21!
It started with Kevin Elster.
Yup. I was a Met fan at the age of 10 and fell in loooove with
Kevin Elster... lol
Then I met you and your obsession was 21. Roger Clements. 21.
And you were convinced that I liked it because of you. You were so
full of yourself.
Then came the obsession. Your mind was drawn to the clock at every
21.
Look Kamela, 21. It's 4:21
5:21
6:21
7:21
8:21
9:21
I thought you were crazy then
and I think you were crazy the last time I spoke to you.
This is hard.
I come here hoping to be close to you.
I feel sick right now.
I guess now I'll be the one getting those sick feelings in my stomach.
This is crazy.
How can you miss all of this??
Why couldn't you stay a little longer??
James, we need you here.
I need you here.
You were, are such a big part of my life.
I wanted you to see me through it all.
I need you to keep me calm and tell me when I'm being
a bitch, although you'd never call me one to my face.
I miss you being on the other side of the phone.
Eleven years ago, you meet a bunch of us.
How are we to face the next eleven years without you, James??
I can't. I can't do this...
Love,
~Kamela
414
dearest james,
i wont deny that it feels a bit odd to write you this letter when i talk to you every day.
mostly in the shower, when im alone, and my mind is quiet.
i keep thinking about when we used to hang out at pitt street. how'd you convince me to stay for days, and you made me one of the guys - with felix and victor in tow. i remember when you bought your first dvd player, and made us watch porn, so over the moon you were about the slow-mo button. the hundreds of cd's you owned, the way you banged on the neighbors door each time we left.
then your dream came true, and you got the place in battery. i dont think i had see you happier then that moment when we first walked in. we shopped for your furniture, and you drove me crazy, and you threw shit across the room when it wouldnt build perfectly. all your strange quirks that made total sense to just you.
i think about all the times you helped me moved, and how much your organizational skills were so missed this time around.
"You have too much shit, Zaida. Throw this garbage out!" you would yell.
did you know that at 414 i would deliberately move stuff around, and out of place, just to annoy you?
it was funny to watch you get up riled up about it.
i miss you terribly, and love you too much.
xxzaidaxx
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Just wanted to say...
James,
Miss you these days.
You're the first person besides those with me that I wanted to call and tell the craziness that
I did!!!
I am sooo not sure how you would react to me jumping out of a plane!!
It was absolutely horrible and exhilarating at the same time!!!
I cried the entire way up on the plane and screamed all the way down.
It was the most insane thing I've ever done, well except for other thing, but this was way more
fun!!!!
I've been needing your advice lately.
I can't comprehend the fact that there is no reaching you.
There's no me talking to you. And you actually answering me. No you bothering me.
No us talking for hours, just to fill a void, the one where we miss the other's
company.
You know that you were one of my most closest friends. Although you denied it, you
were a part of my life that there was no letting go of. No letting go. I thought there
were so many, many days to experience together and to learn about each other.
I love you soooo much and you're gone and I am so broken-hearted. So broken,
but you're absence has changed me. I never, never wanted you out of my life, and this
is an evil joke. But you've changed me. I've always wanted more out of life, but you had it all.
You had the loves of your life. You have a beautiful child. You have a great, great family that I was
honored to know for so long and continue to know, always, always, and love. You traveled and sent me
postcards of your travels. You worked and lived and strived. The proudest moment I had for you was when you
choose you. You choose to work and build a future. But you did it all. And now more than ever I want it all.
With no fear, because what's the worst that could happened...I've loved head first, fallen and loved again and
again, I've had many to love me, again and again. I've strived and will continue to strive...
James you are inspiring. You always have been. I love and miss you,
Your Pal,
~Kamela
--
~Kamela
