James Shawn Agostini!!!!!!!
You are missed so much!!!
I can't stand it!!!!!
~Kamela :)
Monday, June 30, 2008
Missing you.....
You, me and Derek Jeter...
I remember when you lived on Pitt Street
and we would always walk everywhere. I remember
when you took me to the East River, to the park.
We took a bat, a ball, and a mitt (as I called it and
you would make fun of me, cuz no one called it
that anymore) I thought it would be great to be
outdoors, with you teaching me how to hit, bat
and throw. Little did I know that this would a four
hour intense "spring training" type of thing.
You taught me how the hold the bat properly, where
to place my foot, how to place my foot. I thought,
I'm a girl, I'll never be able to do this...but you kept
at it and I hit the ball really hard and really far....
and you were so proud of me, now ask me to repeat
it, I wouldn't dare. You threw the ball really hard and
really fast at first, just cuz you wanted to show off
your "skills" but then you slowed up for me, so I that
I actually had a chance to hit the ball. Next we
moved onto you hitting and me catching. I must say
that I've always been a good catcher. Then you showed
me how to hit the ball against the fence so it would get
stuck. I couldn't hit the ball hard enough to make it stick
to the fence.lol. ....You were even ok with the fact that
I bought a Derek Jeter mitt. You gave me hell about it.
You did not let me live it down...lol. I remember you told me
when I first got the glove to oil it down, put a ball in it, tie a rubber
band around in and put it underneath my mattress...that was weird to me
I didn't know why, but next day it fit my hand like a "glove" lol
I was very proud of myself...you have always, always believed in me
and all that I do and that I thank you for. I'm gonna miss my cheerleader
Love....
~Kamela :)
Somewhere besides here.....
Last night was the first time I went out, I allowed myself to be somewhere else
beside this hollow place, that this time has come to find me in. Christian and I, yes I
actually used his name, although you never allowed me to say it when we would
speak. You never wanted to know. lol. so we went to a friend's house party. at first it was
the usual. People in niches talking, spitting nonsense to impress, while i regress, from
this illusive place. Never have i been interested in the on goings on in some random
person's life, and now ever more so. The night continued on. I thought i needed to leave
this place. I needed to leave this hollow place, that's held me captive these past days. These past days my life has been stagnant, but the thoughts they keep moving, moving in and out.
The past eleven years you've been apart of my life has reappeared, I never forgot them, just
placed them aside so that I could move on from "us". I got a drink. I drank that drink.
I drank it so fast and it was strong, stronger than I. Numb. Numb is what I wanted to be. I didn't
want to feel the pain. I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel
empty, hollow. I didn't want to think about how I want to call you so badly and talk to you.
I didn't want to think about how you never could yourself my friend, but that is exactly what
we were. We were more than friends....How can you know someone for eleven years, share
laughter with them, share tears with them, share family with them, share your life with them,
share you quiet times with them and not call them your friend.... I drank that drink. And for
one hour you did not cross my mind. It felt great. I did not miss you. I did not hurt. You
were not gone from my mind. Until a Maxwell song came on, then I went right back to that
place, that hollow place.........I miss you him some me.......
Love
~Kamela
Best Friend Factor II- Sam's Part One
After reading Zaida "Best Friend Factor" Made me say what the heck.. We sure did share the same best friend. That's CRAZY. James had so many special people in his life, we are so lucky. I'm starting to wonder, does she know about the black pants?
Thinking about when Victor passed away, James called me crying. Saying I better make it work between my ex-best friend "H" because life is short. I Told him "Hell No fuck her" He almost begged me to call her back and make it work because he didn't want me to feel the pain he felt one day. In my eyes I was treated wrongly and in his eyes that's what best friends are for. They hurt you, talk about you, help you, love you, hate you and protect you all at once. Well I didn't want that from her. I remember saying in my head if I ever lose James as a best friend it will hurt my soul. But I never thought that it would be death that would take him away at that moment.
This what being a best friend was like with James:
Make sure you tell him it's a secret, because if you don't he will tell. Lol.
Spending the night at his house was CRAZY, never got enough of sleep, talk, talk, talk.
He introduce me to 7A's and told be to bring on one there, that's his spot. Shit, he took half of America there. Well, I will say he took his special people there. We never had argument, That's crazy, but he use to get mad when he didn't have his way. Saying no to James was something you weren't suppose to do. But I always gave in. We went to go get tea and coffee together 3:59 every time he was at work. And he knew damn well the café closed at 4pm. Taking long lunches with him never got me in trouble. He will say "come with met to best buy real quick" No James I'm going to get it trouble he will say "no you not you with me" And I swear I never got in trouble. That's what best friends do!!
That's not even that HALF!!
I Knew him and I were close when I told this one secret that I haven't told anyone. And he laughed about it and said " That's aint shit" Made me feel really good. I know one thing everyone at work thought that we were dating, I use to get mad and he use to make it worse and joke about it. He will grab my hand to make the gossipers believe that we were together, then after we past he will be like "NOSY BITCHES, You think we gassed them up son?" "Fuck that you my Bitch if they don't like it Oh well, You my bitch" James always hooked me up with the strangest guys, I don't want to talk about it.
EMBARRASSING!
He can't be replaced But James left me someone that was close to his heart, and that's Damaris. The female version of James, it's crazy. He knew from day one I will love her. And he was right. It's crazy because certain things she do and say wigs me out because she reminds me of James so much. He shared her with me and now I share her with two others. She's the glue of us four girls and James was the builder. Not only that I'm connecting to another special person of his which is Zaida. I know so much about her, but I never thought we would connect this way. I can't believe this, but than again I can believe it. My right hand man isn't here. What is all that about? Keep your best friends close each of them has different purposes, and choose them wisely.
Thank you J, Love you
xoxo Manta
Weekend Blues..
This weekend James has been on my mind every second. Sunday morning I went to eat breakfast at Bayside Diner which is located a few blocks away from where James Funeral was held. Saturday I was in the park chilling with Carlos and the whole time I was looking at this bench wishing that James will appear. I’m so serious, my mind is fucking with me. I’m starting to miss my best friend. Yesterday Carlos and I was walking to the store and this man was sitting outside banging on his chair making beats with a red sock cap on. I swear it sent chills through my whole body. So I said to the guy “Go Red Socks” And he gave me a half ass smirk. But inside I was cracking up because he had no idea I was looking at him strange because he reminded me of James. I’m sure he thought that I was checking him out. Carlos just looked at me like I was crazy then laughed. LOL
Seriously, I’m really missed James this weekend. Maybe it’s starting to hit because the last few days I have been expressing my thoughts. I think when I wasn’t expressing my thoughts and feelings, I was just blocking everything out. I wasn’t ready to face the fact that James isn’t here any more. It’s confusing.
I had the weekend blues.. Best friends don’t come easy.
I love You James
**Manta**
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Rewind
there are really specific things that make me smile - like when you would force me to look at the same pictures over and over again. or play the same song over and over again.
please dont hit rewind! i would beg. not again!!
but listen... just listen to this one part...
the first few days after you died, i just walked around saying this is not happening. this is not happening. it's not possible. it's not possible that the only human being i have ever known with the most spirit and the most energy and the most loving heart and the most carino and giving nature who remembered everything about everyone is not here anymore.
i just want to go back. i want to rewind and go back to the last time i saw you and do it again.
xx zaida xx
Friday, June 27, 2008
just enough
ive been re-reading what samantha posted in Hasn't Hit, and this came to mind:
i dont believe in g-d, per se. i believe in a higher power, and that there is something greater than us. i am spiritual and believe in spirits and im pretty sure ive seen james in spirit around my damn house, but it could be my mind fucking with me, who knows.
crazyville could kill a bitch, im sayin'.
regardless, daniel is jewish and imparts all these words of wisdom and sometimes that shit sticks. i wonder if g-d set it up in such a way that james was here just enough to teach us what we needed to learn, that when he was alive he traveled just enough so we knew how to function without him, and we were trained for him to not be around just enough so that we might pick up where he left off with less damage emotionally...
i feel exactly how samantha feels - like he is just on another trip, and he will be back. i mean he has to come back - that's what my mindfuck keeps telling me. but then i remember his casket going into the ground. and the flowers being tossed. and what he looked like at the funeral home, laying there, in his linen suit, and i was telling him when we were alone
now i know what you would look like when your 50, motherfucker. not necessarily the best look in the world, but what can you do?
i know that he's not coming back, which keeps me from the restraining jacket, but i keep talking to him out-loud, in hopes that he will come back in spirit. "he's doing his rounds," his mom told me. and she's right. he's coming to each of us in the way we can deal with it best - just enough.
so pay attention, people. if you think your hear him talk back. if you think you see him, tell him it's okay to move on. acknowledge his presence or voice or whatever, just like he was here.
im going away this weekend because im finally ready to give myself a break, and because i need to focus on the people who are here with me, still alive, and helping me "move on" as i've been told. please keep writing and posting to the blog saidy.dearestjames at blogger dot com while im gone.
it's nice to not feel alone.
xx zaida xx
One Kiss One Hug
Every time when I saw you at work at your desk while you were sitting down I will give you a tight hug and a kiss on the face and say “I love You”. But your stink ass will never say it back. You will just say “Wow your ass is so juicy and give me another kiss” Crazy you are. The Friday before you died, I did that very thing I kiss you on the face and gave you a tight hug. But you know what’s so crazy, I don’t remember if I gave you that kiss and hug Tuesday or was it Monday when I saw you at work. You know... I do remember Erin and I were at your desk and I did the normal. I’m gone mentally, Because I block out that whole week. Erin and I use to always say “the one person that I will kill for is James.” You are so special. From: Agostini, James Your beautiful and what a BUTTOCKS you have From: Williamson, Samantha You are a mess From: Agostini, James But im not blind and that was a juicy wet kiss. give me another one.
That one Kiss and One Hug was just a natural reaction towards you because you always use to do that to me when we became the best of friends. Somehow I pick up your habit. LIKE DUH!!! I must say I told you I loved you every time I saw you face to face. I have only two male Best Friends left but they will never be able to replace you or even do the things we use to do. Shoot! We went to go get our nails done together, What man is going to do that with me now? LMAO!!!! You know one Kiss and One Hug should be shared between Best Friends all the time, It’s a silent way of saying I care, I love you, I feel your pain, I’m here for you, I forgive you and so much more. For now on I feel give my special friends One Kiss and One Hug. You taught me so much about love when it came to family, friends and relationships. You use to always say when I was bitter, “Don’t stop loving because of one bad person, being in love is beautiful” And you are right because I fell in love again with Carlos. I’m so happy you got to meet him before you left. I talked so much about you I think he was starting to wonder things. LOL. Damn!!! This is FUCK UP! What I’m going to do without my Right hand man James. It still hasn’t fully hit.. I confused seriously.
James I love you! One Kiss and One Hug
I’m happy I kept some e-mails from you. This was a e-mail you sent after I gave you one kiss and one hug
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:47 PM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject:
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:48 PM
To: Agostini, James
Subject: RE:
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:49 PM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject:
**Manta
Hasn't Hit.
James it hasn’t hit me yet that you aren’t here. This is crazy because everyone is all emotional, weak, sadden and I’m here lost, confused mainly shocked. I have no idea when I’m going to snap out of it. I know one day it will hit me. It feels like you are on vacation in
What do I do? It hasn’t hit me yet.
Honestly, I’m really confused.
xoxoxoxo Manta
Rescue Me
dearest james,
we've watched the entire four seasons of rescue me over the last two weeks. i'm fairly sure you recommended this show to me a while back, and now i know why. you would have fit perfectly in it. you would have been awesome on that crazy crew. you would have been making fun of all of them. it is THE best show on television, no doubt about it. they say exactly what they want to say without hesitation - even if that shit didnt make sense. so politically incorrect it leaves your head spinning. that shit is totally funny. i needed to laugh again, and this totally did it.
thank you for reminding me.
xx zaida xx
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Blog Piece from Samantha
Hip Hop Is James Agostini
Hip Hop is my first Love
The way it sounds, the chills that runs through my heart
Somehow I thought I was the only one that felt like that
Until I met you James
Hip Hop is free
Hip Hop is blunt and care free
Hip Hop is passionate and loving
Hip Hop is honest and can be dangerous
Hip Hop takes me back to a place that can never be forgotten
Your choices of words
Your made up beats
Made me laugh and say OH BOY!!! at the same time
I didn't mind because you were sincere, raw, blunt and passionate
And sometimes Whack
One of a kind I must say
There will be other lyricist like you
Damn!!! I'm going to miss you saying
"You got some BOOM BOOM?"
Hip-Hop lives forever
I can't say "Hip Hop was James"
I will say Hip Hop is James
James Ago, You live forever in my heart
I love you the way I love Hip Hop
Love Always
Your BFF *Manta
No one can ever, ever, ever know hip-hop the way you do
One of the last e-mail you sent to me about hip hop was:
From: Agostini, James
Sent: Friday, January 25, 2008 10:10 AM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject: Are you hip hop
What song is this?
Strictly for frontin when your riding around 12 o'clock at night with you windows down
From: Williamson, Samantha
Sent: Friday, January 25, 2008 10:18 AM
To: Agostini, James
Subject: RE: Are you hip hop
LL Booming System
From: Agostini, James
Sent: Friday, January 25, 2008 10:18 AM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject: Are you hip hop
you fly
James I bet you didn't know I couldn't think of it right away so I google it.
One of the reason why I love you soooo... You knew Hip-Hop Better than me
--
Samantha J. Williamson
I'm lost.......
James...
I am so sad that you're not here anymore, that I can't stand it.
The mornings are the worst. I wake up feeling hollow.
I wake up with a deep saddness. Every morning has been filled
with tears. I can't....The smile you knew and loved isn't the same
anymore. I haven't smiled since .....well...you know.......
nothing is the same anymore.....How can someone's absence
change my world....my mind....my thoughts....the way yours has...
I picked up the phone to call you about five times already. Once to
ask you about this young new pitcher, who throws the ball like
you've never seen before, and the other time, I just wanted to chat and
to annoy the hell out of you.... :) This feeling it won't leave me...I need to
move on....I need to heal.....this life just isn't fair.......
Yesterday I needed to get out of the house so I went for a run. I was so
restless. So I ran to clear mind head, to clear you from my mind
for at least 30 minute, to stop thinking about how you're not here,
about how this saddness I feel consumes me.......and I had to rest.
I came to rest beside a tree. I looked up with tears in my eyes, because
the faster I ran the more you filled my head, I saw a butterfly. It was
still. It did not move. The wings moved ever so slightly. I think it too was tired...
I felt a calmness. I felt you near. It was weird.
My mind then went to the countless butterfly presents you bought me......
I .....I .....have to go.................................................................................
...................~Love Kamela
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
no rhyme or reason
I met a pretty girl she was hot as hell
Seemed pretty nice as far as I could tell.
Uh oh!
Wined her
Dined her
Super Blindsided her
Now she's sad and that's my bad
But ill see her muffintop
as soon as she drops
And then shell stop being so mad as hell.
Uh oh!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
the silence is deafening
life is too quiet without him.
im paranoid about everything. i keep thinking other people can die too at any given moment when we least suspect it. irrational fears - i guess my way of dealing with the death for the first time, you know, death and dying wasnt real for me until now - and now im overly protective and overly cautious and tip toeing and not jaywalking and triple checking and i cant live like this. daniel has a heart condition for a long time now, and he almost had an attack the other night. he said he could feel it coming on. then chills went up my spine because james used to say he could feel it coming on and i ignored him. i didnt take it seriously.
im taking everything very seriously now.
mark says im not honoring his memory by postponing the wedding.
jenny says we must enjoy life as James would have wanted.
i say: how exactly do we do that?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
love notes
this morning we decided to postpone the wedding. 80+ people waiting for us to send invites and give them updates, and i just can't even think about any of that right now. it's too soon.
so we sent out an email to everyone on our guest list, and updated our wedding website. after reviewing and deactivating certain pages that no longer applied, i clicked on our guestbook, rereading all the well-wishes and joyful notes. as i scrolled down, i came across this: james agostini
April 9, 2008She is the best friend i have ever had and i think i know her pretty well.
I doudt she would settle.
She loves him.
Congrats guys
...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
the seizures.
it was the only time we were able to really take care of him...
every other time it was him taking care of us.
the night that ann told us james died, my son, ryan, told me a story of when they all went camping a few summers ago. ryan must have been 10 or 11, and had known james since he was 3, and knew how to help james when he had a seizure. he knew what to look for - like when james touched his stomach right before it came, and his lips turned purplish blue, and his face would contort, and then he'd start cursing. ryan knew to try to talk him through it, remind him who and where he was, guide him so that he wouldnt hurt himself or walk into traffic, he knew what to do in case he bit his tongue, ryan knew not be offended by the tourette's like outbursts and that we would all joke about the horrible things he said later, he knew that if james' seizures lasted more than a few minutes he would have to call 911, he knew that after the seizure was over james needed to nap, and to check on him if he was sleeping too long, because sometimes he bit his tongue in his sleep. he knew that james wouldnt remember a thing, except when he woke up he would be disoriented and confused, and that when he was clearminded we would recap the whole thing, so that he could keep track of them like he was supposed to but didnt, really.
so that one summer of camping when they were all down at the beach and it was ryan and james and jack and jordyn and alyssa swimming - ryan knew instantly that james was having a seizure in the water, and that he needed to pull him out as quickly as possible and bring him to shore. by then the seizure was over, thank god ryan was there to pull him out.
"im the oldest mom, and i didnt want the kids to see him in the water and get scared."
ryan told me this story when i told him james died. he felt as helpless as i did, as anyone who has helped james when he seized did. there was only so much we could do during his seizures, and it never seem enough.
so i told ryan:
we all did our best to help him when we could. you helped him when he needed you. he knows that now, he knows everything now.
i need to believe that, you should too.
the best friend factor
there are things you tell your best friend that you would never tell your family, or your other friends, or your lovers, or anyone for that matter. you can tell your best friend anything and everything, like they are an extension of yourself, hanging out in your head, because you dont know that you can trust anyone else more than yourself and your best friend. there is this unspoken, unconditional thing you have with each other that is beyond just the words.
and so when you have a betrayal or a misunderstanding or even a loss of that friendship it's as devastating as if you lost a part of yourself. it's like someone cut off your right hand that you took it for granted the entire time, and now how do you function without it? you have to relearn everything from day one because it's your new reality.
living without you is our new reality.
in april 2007, the first time i took my future husband, daniel, to meet my best friend james, would be the last time i would see james for another year. for two months after that falling out, and what i felt was a huge betrayal of james and my friendship with him, i was still crying over our argument. during that time of silence, his other best friend victor had died. i had spent a lot of time with james and victor over the years. we traveled together and where ever james was, victor was and where ever victor was we would hop in my car and go get him. and i should have been there for victor's funeral. i should have been there for victor and i should have been there for james, and i should have been there for me, but i let anger and hurt and resentment and pride ruin me. instead i mourned for victor all that time alone, without the support of my best friend who needed me as much as i needed him.
that wont ever happen again, but not by my choice this time, because james is irreplaceable.
there are things you tell your best friend that you would never ever tell anyone else in the world. yea, james told his stories, the same ones he repeated to everyone. funny stories that usually embarrassed people but got a laugh. but there are things that i know about you that you probably have no idea that i would know - the deep stuff, the things he whispered, or when his expression would soften and his voice got quiet you just knew he was going to be serious this time. there are things he told me that his family would be embarrassed that i knew, and his lovers would absolutely hate that i knew, and things about the dynamics of other friendships at work and at baseball and at basketball and with the kids in his life that you dont know that i knew.
when your family pisses you off, you tell your best friend.
when you are fighting with your lover, you call your best friend.
if your coworker is being a dick, you meet your best friend for coffee.
when your kids are being a pain in the ass, james tells you to beat them.
if you are up to no good, and sorta feel guilty about it, then you call your best friend and ask if you can spend the night, because a phone call or a lunch at 7A is not enough time to get it all out - you need to make homemade cake, put on some good music, and talk until the sun comes up, or until one of us gets bored and falls asleep, just like always.
there were big reasons why i never went to the parties or the get-togethers or the events over the years. one was because i hated sharing james. i wanted him all to myself. i loved how we were when it was just the two of us, the bickering and the banter and the intimacy and our secrets. two, because i knew more about you than i should have known, and i didnt want to take a chance of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. i suck with words, and james was perfect with words, unless he was being a racist or homophobe, or something else equally outrageous.
i am fairly sure that i have chosen writing about james versus talking about james because i am afraid that in my hysteria that i will divulge things that might hurt some, or shock some, or just things i know that i probably shouldnt know but anyone who has a 'best' friend knows this comes with the territory. james didnt have a filter, and i tried but most times i dont either. and with talking you cant go back and erase those words or edit those words and change those words so that they come out just right. once you say something it's said. you cant go back.
james, i promise that for the rest of my life will never betray our trust and our secrets. i promise to do my best to be supportive of everyone, while keeping what we built over the years. i promise to try my best to not be prideful and let resentment get in the way with people i truly love and care for. i promise all those things i told you yesterday but wont say here. i promise to zipper my lip for the rest of my life.
20 times a day i want to call you to tell you something new and i cant. i want to bitch and moan or rejoice and share and 100 times a day i am filled with regret and remorse because we lost a whole fucking year of friendship over a fucking misunderstanding and, im not going to lie just because your dead: you had a serious need for anger management because your tantrums were out of control. jennifer was there for the entire horrendous, eventful evening, and if you are reading this jennifer you know exactly what im talking about. and the stories that james told after about what happened are completely one-sided but thats what happens when you get pissed. i get it. but i was hurt so much more by what happened after that night, and well, we can't go back now. it is what it was.
james, my sweet, you crazy motherfucker, im glad we had the last three months to mend that tear in our blanket. im glad i took you to my special place in the park, and we were able to talk, just you and i like always, that night, alone, by the water, to figure out our shit. im glad you said sorry to daniel without me forcing you because it was the right thing to do. im glad you hugged me tight and kissed my forehead and told me you loved me without giving a shit what anyone thought. im glad victor introduced me to you at disney all that time ago, and that since day one of us meeting, you read me your poems before you gave them away, because my opinion really mattered.
my life will never be the same without you.
xx zaida xx
Friday, June 20, 2008
Happy Birthday....
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to You!
I know you hate birthdays and perfer everyday to be special.
I sang to you last late at midnight.
I know you heard me because, last night, I did not dream of you.
For the first night in 23 days you did not occupy my nightly thoughts,
my nightly abyss.
But everyday since, I've been so afraid.
Of afraid of what else might happen.
Who else might leave me....
Imagine this....
Everyone you love is thinking about you all at the same time.
has anyone every been so lucky???
I. I have been so lucky to have known you,'
to carry you in my heart,
to have been loved, like crazy by you!!
Happy Birthday to My Forever Angel!!!
James....
Love,
Forever 'n a Day
Kamela.
Happy Birthday, James
we are 8 days apart.
you turn first, i turn second.
joint birthday lunches at 7a.
sleepover parties.
homemade cakes.
coconut lotions.
warriors, come out and play.
when we turned 80, you said.
happy. happy.
34
Thursday, June 19, 2008
wed dings
We were both supposed to be plannings our wedding and such. You called me when you bought the ring then again two days before you popped the question. You weren't nervous. You weren't anxious. You weren't anything I thought you would be. You were calm yet excited. You were a proud peacock showing your ring off. I must have txt you 10 times that saturday
"did she say yes???"
Praying she did. The right one the right time the right place. Both of us planning our weddings. Both of us starting new chapters in that book you always threatened you were writing.
I'm going to give you your own chapter, zaida.
What? You're going to tell all my secrets?
Nah, I already did that.
Asshole! I'd yell.
New chapters with life partners that compliment us both so well. You guys started buying and doing before us and I got nervous, they are moving fast! We need to catch up!
I called him one day which was rare because he usually beat me to the call. he hardly ever said hi like a regular person with me. Did he do that with you too? It was usually some silly nickname, or "I was just thinking about you!" This time he picked up and said
"See, I told you you needed a best friend."
The thing was we bickered nonstop. And our arguments would last for months. But as soon as one of us relented, it was like time stood still and we just talked yesterday. when I was pissed I'd say I wanted to breakup! I wanted a separation! I'm filing my BFF divorce papers!!
And he'd say "You can't get rid of me zaida. You're stuck with me. You have no choice."
So yea he was right, I did need my best friend even though all those years I refused to swallow my pride. There's a quote that I love
"I'd rather lose my pride to love than lose my love to pride."
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
I'm supposed to get married now to my beloved daniel, and I just don't know how I'm going to do that without james. I don't know that I can. I don't know that I want to.
xx zaida xx
-sent from blackberry
working it out
today was especially hard. i woke up crying, filled with so much regret. i dont want to keep writing about how sad i am, but i dont feel anything but pure dispair. he should have called by now, he should have come home by now, he should have emailed by now, he should have sms by now.
i keep re-reading his emails to me, because i dont want to admit that he's gone.
he would have hated this.
he would have been the first person telling funny stories and remember when's to take us out of our misery and make us start laughing so that we wouldnt be so down and out.
im learning now that he was so many different things to each of us. we all had very personal and private relationships with him. we all had our own different inside jokes with him. how rare is it that you can have such a close, personal connection with someone.
he connected with everyone in his life in such a special way.
quite often i think about his friends from work. they had him every single day he bothered to show up. best job in the world, he said. they have to be grieving just as hard because he was part of their lives so much more consistently for so many years. winston, et al. so many stories i heard. oh, that damn conference room. sheesh. oh, and like when he was leaving to go to the fire department, and you all threw him the biggest party. he was so fucking happy about it. he raved forever about it. and i was so worried about him being in the academy - yet so proud that he finished school and was living his dream even if it was for so briefly, but then worried that he would seize at the wrong time. i begged him to quit so many times, and when he finally did the law dept took him back. you guys totally rocked.
and when he got home that one day and called me about being on the roof and holding the rope with the guy on the other end during training and he realized at that moment that another person's life depended on him - and he did the right thing even if it meant giving up his dream.
he did the right thing.
he did the right thing.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
96 visitors and counting.
i started this diary to you, james, on saturday, at 11pm. since then, just four short days later, 96 people have come to this website in search of you via google and the rest of them.
amazing.
thanks to jennifer and kamela for emailing your stories. it takes courage to post and blog and share, but like i wrote kamela offline - james felt everything to the nth degree (and this wasn't always good, especially if boston was losing!!)
and so, it's okay if we allow ourselves right now, during this time of mourning, to do the same, even if it's out of our norm.
if you are thinking about posting, but not sure where to begin, just pretend you were on the phone with him, or telling him the story, exactly the way you would have done if he's still alive.
that's how i do it.
some people called him white boy, some people called him crazy james.
there was a reason for that.
and i know i sound crazy when im posting but im okay with that. because i was totally crazy when i was with him. we fed off each other, and got more outrageous each time we were together.
so feel free to write in using the email at the top right, or leave a comment, or just keep coming back. it's all good. we will know you were here by the visitor log.
time will help us heal.
"we have no choice," as he told me many, many times.
xx zaida xx
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
the point
I want to be a better person because of him.
I want to be
More affectionate
More loving
More passionate
More understanding
More forgiving
More grateful
More thoughtful
More considerate
More willing
More conscious
More giving
More humourous
More open
More
Of every fucking thing, really, because he was all those things and
more even when he was being a pain in the ass, and I'm not those
things, yet he still love me, and us, and you, right?
That was evident by the masses at his funeral. I'm still blown away
by that, but not one bit surprised.
This is what I'm learning now.I'm learning that I can be better than I
have been, because he was, naturally.
woulda, coulda, shoulda
a few days before he died, i gave him a hard time about not coming up to inwood to visit me after the miscarriage. i was supposed to go to his office after the doctor said there was no heartbeat, but i cancelled because i was in shock, i guess. sunday came, and i got this txt: but by thursday he was dead.
could you and daniel come for dinner?
daniel is working until 830 and ive been crying for 5 days. cant talk to anyone yet. raincheck.
I can imagine. I have been thinking about you and i just thought you would like to get out. Maybe you and i can meet this week and just sit. Please remember how important you are to me and how much i love and care for you.
yea but its the first time you called me in five days!! whatever.
sorry.
it's okay. im used to you sucking balls.
how about thursday.
im totally full of maybe's.
i keep replaying all these scenario's in my head like if i would have done just one thing different, he wouldnt have died. it's completely irrational and ridiculous because obviously it was his time.
im angry that it was his time. im angry that he's not here to help us deal with this shit.
it's impossible to lie about that, and i won't because it's how im feeling right at this very second.
The Five Stages of GriefDenial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
you're not in my head anymore, james.
no more voices.
no more dreams.
no more shadows.
im angry about that too, kinda. yea, im selfish. whatever.
xx zaida xx
Monday, June 16, 2008
My Forever Angel
An eternal broken heart, James has left me with.
He was always intense.
Everything he did, was done with intent and beauty.
There are so many memories that i have with him.
He was never shy, sometimes quiet.
He loved his time alone, but just enough that
he did get lonely. It rubbed off on me. I guess
I now keep the ones i love at a close distance, as well.
Close enough to love but just far enough not to feel
pain from them. We must have written a thousand
loveletters between the two of us. One even more intense
than the next. He was my romance. He would rewrite songs
for me, ones that meant something special to him, but
went right over my head. But i knew it was special, b/c
he took the time to write to me. I called him first.
I called him three times and hung up.
I was so nervous. Then finally allowed him to answer.
We spent two and a half hours on the phone.
Your one mistake ever, was to call james, because if
you weren't in the mood to talk, you sure had to be in the
mood to listen. He was intense. Those blue eyes were intense
and he knew it. Never i have seen eyes so blue, so piercing.
so real. So true. We were intense but we knew we were true.
It hurts. God it hurts too much. He was my goto guy. If i needed
to chat, just BS with someone on the phone I called James.
We've known each other for eleven years now. He was with me
when i turned 21. He there for my 25th. Was silent on my 30th but
wished my well. a few days later, and called me an old bag!!
I once asked him 20 questions.
His favorite icecream, mint chocolate chip, so was mine.
His favorite candy, butterscotch, so was mine.
His most admired person, his Uncle Michael, i hadn't met him yet...I now know why he choose him.
His ideal place to live, upstate.
The utmost love of his life, Jordyn.
I remember the first photo I saw of her,
a snow white costume, I fell in love and have been ever since.
We're both aquarius women, so we drove him insane.
But boy could he love. When he fell, he crashed into love. It was
always all or nothing.
He always wanted to stay over my house, and
growing up in a very strict home, it was weird for me.
I never had friends over, but somehow he got through to
my Dad and made it ok.
He was there for me when my Dad passed away.
I remembered all my aunts loved him, lol. And he washed all
the dishes.
now they are together chilling and hanging out.
my forever angel. my sweet James.
~Kamela
Eterenal OXOXOXOXOXO
10:43 AM
i just called to say i love you
i was on the train to ct the sunday before last. daniel keeps forcing me out of the house against my will. you know, because staying in bed everyday is not mentally healthy. we were at your fams house for the bbq the day before, and i really tried my best to keep those kids occupied. they need a break from the sadness too, you know? the water balloons were a success, and i cant believe i tricked your nephews into a clean up game. so cute! you would have been proud.
anyway, daniel left at the crack of dawn sunday to go fishing and i was too tired to get up that early, so i hopped on the train late morning to meet him in norwalk. and as i sat there i remembered those thousands of times you sat on the train going up to see michael and emmy, and you would call me during the train ride. sometimes i would answer and you wouldnt say hi, instead you would sing
"i just called to say i love you."
i held the phone tightly thinking i should be calling you right now, while i was on my train ride. i should be bugging you to keep me company because that ride was so goddamn boring.
instead i cried the entire hour it took to get there. the woman across from me must have thought i was insane. lately im feeling that way.
i love you james. i wish i told you more often.
xx zaida xx
Sunday, June 15, 2008
"feeling it," part two
Mother's Day, 2008:
This card has been sent to James from Zaida:
Message: i've got a secret but i cant tell you for another 6 weeks
James replies: Tell me now or i kill you. LOL
i cant. the standard rule is that you wait 3 full months before you tell anyone, just in case.
WOW. Your my idol...
can you believe it? i had my IUD removed and now its just about six weeks from then. we thought it would take us 6 months to a year before anything stuck.
Na, Your sticky
i had a miscarriage seven days before james died.
he was the first one i told outside of daniel and ryan. maybe god knew exactly what he was doing with that fetus. maybe god knew there was no possible way i would be able to carry a child without my best friends support. maybe he was teaching me how to finally handle death in preparation for james' passing.
im totally full of maybe's.
my diary entry:
i can honestly say that i have never "felt" more of anything than i did on the day that ryan was born, and then over the death of james.
emotions so strong, both love and sorrow, that at times it becomes difficult to breathe.
thinking that only people who have experienced the birth of your own child and then death of someone you would die for would know what im talking about.
when we miscarried, daniel said he finally understood what a parent *might* feel like, and up until that point he never realized that it's not even close to what he imagined.
he came home the other day and was hyperventilating. on the way home he saw a couple, she was jewish, he was puerto rican, and they had a 4 year old girl and a 6 month old boy.
he saw what we should be in them, and he lost it - completely overcome by emotion he didnt recognize.
im re-evaluating everything now. i cant sleep and the dreams are horrific.
but that's another post.
im thinking about patti, and his family, and trying to rationalize their sense of loss, but there isnt any possible way of doing that. i want to own it, and i want to absorb all of their pain for even one day, so that they can feel normal again for a full 24 hours. it's not possible, but i wish it to be so for their peace and sanity, and so that i can feel like im actually doing *something* shit anything.
ive never before felt this helpless.
people tell me that things dont make sense in the beginning, but then it all becomes crystal clear eventually. i cried seven days straight after the miscarriage, but i became hysterical once James died.
everyone else's pillar of strength has finally crumbled.
xx zaida xx
nothing you said was true...
except when it was.
i cant even count how many times you've told me a story and i BELIEVED that shit like it was totally true. then after you would say,
c'mon, Zaida. of COURSE that's not true!! you're just so easy to trick!!!
and i would be like
you fucking asshole. why do i always fall for this shit?
that's why i was especially pissed that every time you and i got into some beef, you would go around telling everyone that i have gonorrhea or some type of STD. and i would tell you
STOP TELLING EVERYONE THAT! They are going to BELIEVE you!!!
and you said
i know, isn't that great??
not everything you said was true. except when i got the burn from that one night stand that one time. anything after that was bullshit.
god, i miss you.
xx zaida xx
back home from crazyville
you would have said i needed to be committed if i told you that i kept hearing a dead person talking to me in my right ear. and you might have been right, i wont lie. ive been living in crazyville for a minute now, and that shit will make you bananas, not kidding.
it's been a few nights since i last heard you telling me what the fuck to do and say, and im starting to feel like myself again.
this worries me.
see, i sorta liked hearing your voice in my head, james. it made me feel like you were still close. except when i would hear you in the strangest places, like when im sitting on the toilet, and you told me
do you believe this shit, Zaida?
no bebe, i dont. none of us do. trust us, if you see us and hear us and feel us then you KNOW that none of us believes this shit.
you know, you would go away a lot. you hated to be alone for the most part, and you did everything in your power to not be alone - unless you were moody or cranky and that was a different story. and when i told you sometimes being alone when your not cranky is good, it helps you regroup and think and figure shit out, you told me
i dont need to figure nothing out.
and so, for years you spent most of your alone time traveling to visit him and her and us, backpack on the shoulder, with us prepared for a night of nuttiness - with you in the house things were never boring.
and you were right: being alone sucks balls.
im sorry you died alone.
you would have been so upset about that.
but you have to remember, that for the last year you've had veronica, and as your soulmate she is with you in spirit, just like you are with her now.
and you won't ever be alone again.
xx zaida xx
what dreams may come
so, ive been having crazy dreams with you since the sunday night of the wake. there have been lots of them, and super vivid - where it seemed like that was real life and our real life is a dream.
there was the one where you seemed to be in a foreign country. it was town like, every dirt hut had two stories. wide open spaces.
there was the one that was city-like but i had never seen that city before, where there was some chick waiting around the corner, seeking revenge for some wrongdoing, and i told you to not go there. she did something and your cheeks turned green, and i kept trying to wipe it off.
i cant remember the rest because im trying too hard now, but the one where you scared the shit out of me just wasnt cool at all. not kidding.
im sleeping and i feel a person walk into the room. it's like when ryan was little and i was alseep i could "feel" him walk into the room right before he woke me up. and daniel says "how do you feel someone?" and the only way i can describe it is when you feel someone staring at you, and you turn to look, and in fact they are staring at you. it's a very strong energy. anyone who's felt someone staring at them can understand how you can feel someone walk into the room.
so, that was the other night. i was sleeping alone, it was the middle of the night, daniel slept on the sofa, ryan was at a sleepover, it was blazing hot. i was asleep and i felt someone walk in the room and i tried to open my eyes but they were so heavy. i saw your shadow, blurry white shadow, leaning in my door frame. i thought i was dreaming but i felt an insane amount of energy. i wiped my eyes to double check and the blurry white became more clear instead of less so. i was wide awake at this point and screaming in my head out of fright, but sitting there silent. i blinked and you were gone. and i was too afraid to get daniel because i would have had to pass the door frame.
i freaked out. seriously.
please dont do that again. it's really not nice, i dont give a shit how funny i looked.
xx zaida xx
Saturday, June 14, 2008
A FRIEND FOR REAL
James was the only person who helped me when I broke my ankle last year,I was thousands of miles away from home and alone.He took me in and took care of me,that's just the kind of guy he was,,just giving no questions asked.
He taught about great music and no bullshit,true whole hearted friendship and for that I will be forever thankful.
When he smiled at you,you felt it in your soul,I guess that's why god took you so early James because you were too big of an angel to stay on earth.
I know they love you like we do down here,because you make impossible not to love you.
I miss you terribly funny man,
Jennifer the biggest scrub-macanema.
Friday, June 13, 2008
the music man
i bought you your first ipod. it was first generation, and when i explained that you didnt need to carry that book of cd's anymore, you told me to shut the fuck up.
im serious!! i said.
getthefuckouttahere you scoffed.
then i took you to J&R and you fell in love. another contribution to The James Agostini Fund. (more on that in a future post)
yo, have you heard that new song with george michael and mary j blige? our two favorite artists singing a stevie wonder song.
nah, i havent heard it yet.
it's good, Zaida. it's good. you gotta hear it.
you were right. it's perfect.
as for that first ipod - it was a blessing in disguise. honestly, if you played maxwell one more time i was gonna scream. seriously, dude. i wasnt kidding.
but you taught me how beautiful stevie was, how heartfelt marvin was, and how talented michael j. was., and you brought your music every time to play me something new.
thanks love, for being our music man.
xx zaida xx
James Agostini, The Best Man.
im still in denial.
as far as im concerned, you just went on another trip, and im waiting for you to come back. but our reality is that you are waiting for us now, i suppose. all these years of me being a diarist, and all these years you told me that you wouldnt read my blog diary because "you live this shit everyday." all this time i hated myspace and you hated facebook. i know that everyone grieves your death in their own way.
this is the only way i know how.
how does one fall asleep and not wake up?
how does one deal with you not waking up?
how does one get to hear all your amazing stories about all the people in your life, without actually meeting them?
i promised i would keep writing you, so here we are.
im hoping that people googling your name come across this site and email their silly stories and pictures so that we can keep you alive in spirit.
and i hope that people who knew and loved you will leave comments if they are up to it.
just like when you were here.
you've touched our lives in so many different ways.
maybe we didnt tell you as much as you told us.
i guess here's our chance.
xx zaida xx
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