just enough

ive been re-reading what samantha posted in Hasn't Hit, and this came to mind:

i dont believe in g-d, per se. i believe in a higher power, and that there is something greater than us. i am spiritual and believe in spirits and im pretty sure ive seen james in spirit around my damn house, but it could be my mind fucking with me, who knows.

crazyville could kill a bitch, im sayin'.

regardless, daniel is jewish and imparts all these words of wisdom and sometimes that shit sticks. i wonder if g-d set it up in such a way that james was here just enough to teach us what we needed to learn, that when he was alive he traveled just enough so we knew how to function without him, and we were trained for him to not be around just enough so that we might pick up where he left off with less damage emotionally...

i feel exactly how samantha feels - like he is just on another trip, and he will be back. i mean he has to come back - that's what my mindfuck keeps telling me. but then i remember his casket going into the ground. and the flowers being tossed. and what he looked like at the funeral home, laying there, in his linen suit, and i was telling him when we were alone

now i know what you would look like when your 50, motherfucker. not necessarily the best look in the world, but what can you do?

i know that he's not coming back, which keeps me from the restraining jacket, but i keep talking to him out-loud, in hopes that he will come back in spirit. "he's doing his rounds," his mom told me. and she's right. he's coming to each of us in the way we can deal with it best - just enough.

so pay attention, people. if you think your hear him talk back. if you think you see him, tell him it's okay to move on. acknowledge his presence or voice or whatever, just like he was here.

im going away this weekend because im finally ready to give myself a break, and because i need to focus on the people who are here with me, still alive, and helping me "move on" as i've been told. please keep writing and posting to the blog saidy.dearestjames at blogger dot com while im gone.

it's nice to not feel alone.

xx zaida xx