"feeling it," part two

Mother's Day, 2008:

This card has been sent to James from Zaida:


Message: i've got a secret but i cant tell you for another 6 weeks

James replies: Tell me now or i kill you. LOL

i cant. the standard rule is that you wait 3 full months before you tell anyone, just in case.

WOW. Your my idol...

can you believe it? i had my IUD removed and now its just about six weeks from then. we thought it would take us 6 months to a year before anything stuck.

Na, Your sticky

i had a miscarriage seven days before james died.

he was the first one i told outside of daniel and ryan. maybe god knew exactly what he was doing with that fetus. maybe god knew there was no possible way i would be able to carry a child without my best friends support. maybe he was teaching me how to finally handle death in preparation for james' passing.

im totally full of maybe's.

my diary entry:

i can honestly say that i have never "felt" more of anything than i did on the day that ryan was born, and then over the death of james.

emotions so strong, both love and sorrow, that at times it becomes difficult to breathe.

thinking that only people who have experienced the birth of your own child and then death of someone you would die for would know what im talking about.

when we miscarried, daniel said he finally understood what a parent *might* feel like, and up until that point he never realized that it's not even close to what he imagined.

he came home the other day and was hyperventilating. on the way home he saw a couple, she was jewish, he was puerto rican, and they had a 4 year old girl and a 6 month old boy.

he saw what we should be in them, and he lost it - completely overcome by emotion he didnt recognize.

im re-evaluating everything now. i cant sleep and the dreams are horrific.

but that's another post.

im thinking about patti, and his family, and trying to rationalize their sense of loss, but there isnt any possible way of doing that. i want to own it, and i want to absorb all of their pain for even one day, so that they can feel normal again for a full 24 hours. it's not possible, but i wish it to be so for their peace and sanity, and so that i can feel like im actually doing *something* shit anything.

ive never before felt this helpless.

people tell me that things dont make sense in the beginning, but then it all becomes crystal clear eventually. i cried seven days straight after the miscarriage, but i became hysterical once James died.

everyone else's pillar of strength has finally crumbled.

xx zaida xx