woulda, coulda, shoulda

a few days before he died, i gave him a hard time about not coming up to inwood to visit me after the miscarriage. i was supposed to go to his office after the doctor said there was no heartbeat, but i cancelled because i was in shock, i guess. sunday came, and i got this txt:

could you and daniel come for dinner?

daniel is working until 830 and ive been crying for 5 days. cant talk to anyone yet. raincheck.

I can imagine. I have been thinking about you and i just thought you would like to get out. Maybe you and i can meet this week and just sit. Please remember how important you are to me and how much i love and care for you.

yea but its the first time you called me in five days!! whatever.

sorry.

it's okay. im used to you sucking balls.

how about thursday.

but by thursday he was dead.

i keep thinking that maybe i shouldnt have been such a pussy, you know? maybe i should have just swallowed the pain and jumped on the train and gone down to meet him and veronica for dinner - then at least i would have had that last time to hang out and joke and bullshit, like always.

im totally full of maybe's.

i keep replaying all these scenario's in my head like if i would have done just one thing different, he wouldnt have died. it's completely irrational and ridiculous because obviously it was his time.

im angry that it was his time. im angry that he's not here to help us deal with this shit.

it's impossible to lie about that, and i won't because it's how im feeling right at this very second.

The Five Stages of Grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

you're not in my head anymore, james.

no more voices.
no more dreams.
no more shadows.

im angry about that too, kinda. yea, im selfish. whatever.

xx zaida xx