working it out

today was especially hard. i woke up crying, filled with so much regret. i dont want to keep writing about how sad i am, but i dont feel anything but pure dispair. he should have called by now, he should have come home by now, he should have emailed by now, he should have sms by now.

i keep re-reading his emails to me, because i dont want to admit that he's gone.

he would have hated this.

he would have been the first person telling funny stories and remember when's to take us out of our misery and make us start laughing so that we wouldnt be so down and out.

im learning now that he was so many different things to each of us. we all had very personal and private relationships with him. we all had our own different inside jokes with him. how rare is it that you can have such a close, personal connection with someone.

he connected with everyone in his life in such a special way.

quite often i think about his friends from work. they had him every single day he bothered to show up. best job in the world, he said. they have to be grieving just as hard because he was part of their lives so much more consistently for so many years. winston, et al. so many stories i heard. oh, that damn conference room. sheesh. oh, and like when he was leaving to go to the fire department, and you all threw him the biggest party. he was so fucking happy about it. he raved forever about it. and i was so worried about him being in the academy - yet so proud that he finished school and was living his dream even if it was for so briefly, but then worried that he would seize at the wrong time. i begged him to quit so many times, and when he finally did the law dept took him back. you guys totally rocked.

and when he got home that one day and called me about being on the roof and holding the rope with the guy on the other end during training and he realized at that moment that another person's life depended on him - and he did the right thing even if it meant giving up his dream.

he did the right thing.
he did the right thing.