I'm not good at having everyday without you.
I'm not use to not being able to call you,
just to say hi.
I am not used to starting a new year without
your wishes.
I am not use to having my birthday,
in a few days, without
your wishes.
Without your sweet, sweet wishes.
A new year without you??!????
I can't fathom the thought...
Happy New Year to me????
I can't. but
I guess I'll have to...
God, I miss you.
I can't stand a New Year without...
Eternally oxoxxoxoxox
~Kamela
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
...
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
...
It's harder than I knew it would be.
I've got a lump in my throat.
This is the only place I think to come...
I miss you.
Love, <3
~Kamela
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wishes for Me...
So, I'm gonna wait for you to call me or text me.
Something little like,
"hello".
It's just one word but it meant so much,
especially out of the blue,
especially from you.
I'll wait for a Merry Christmas call,
and act surprise when you do call.
and be mad if you don't.
I'll ask how the family is,
and you'll say your pleasantries.
Then you'll come to Jordyn and
you'll gush and I'll smile,
because I know her love makes you happiest.
I'll accept your warm wishes for me and give my Mom
a hug for you, then pass the phone to Kim,
and then we'll pass it back and forth for the next
half hour.
We'll exchange wishes again before we hang up.
Then call each other for the rest of the night about
six or seven times.
This year will be a little quieter.
I'll be one wish less.
The day will resonant with you in the back of
my head.
I'll miss you this year the most.
I missed you yesterday the most.
I miss you today the most.
James, you know my wishes today
because you see it all now.
You know the endings to all the stories, now.
Watch us and keep us safe.
My Forever Angel....as you were before and as you are now.
Love,
~Kamela oxoxox
Monday, December 15, 2008
This time many years ago...
I recall when I first met you.
It was twelve years ago,
at this time many years ago,
It was November...
And looked goofy in that Disney costume.
And I remember you making
silly comments indirectly to me.
And I thought how childish...lol
The funniest was the look on your face when
you over heard me telling one of the other employees
that I was married, you should have seen the look on your
face...you were crushed. I only did it to bother you.
The funniest of all was when we had to do Secret Santa
for Christmas in December...
I was hoping that i would get someone I knew and liked,
because they hired a lot of new holiday staff.
I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a piece of
paper. I kept in folded until I went outside, I closed
my eyes and hoped it was someone nice...
I unfolded the piece of paper...the name read
JAMES...
and I smiled.
and I've kept you in that same place in my heart all these
years...
I was relieved and content.
I was happy...
I miss you dearly, buddy!!
~Love,
Kamela
--
~Kamela
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Venus, Jupiter and the Moon...
it's too soon .
it's only been five and a half
months,
and already, I feel as though
I've forgotten.
your voice. your smiles over the
phone.
it's too soon to forget.
to feel you so far away.
i don''t wanna forget.
i don't wanna it to be difficult to recall,
you, anytime, anyplace.
it just can't be.
it's only been five and a half months,
i have the rest of my forever to be without
you.
it's too soon.
i've forgotten.
if time went by and we didn't speak,
we'd call each other just when we'd had
enough distance, ans then it would be like
nothing changed.
you asking.
me saying "yeah, right, now?"
lol
it's too soon.
i can't live my forever with you so far.
were you there?
***
it's crazy...just like you...just like...
did... you...see Venus, Jupiter and the Moon?
did you plan that cuz you knew I needed a smile.???
cuz it sure did make me smile.
like you did.
like you do.
FAAD
~Kamela
miss you...
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime
falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
oxoxoxo
~Kamela
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
..........
You made me smile today.
I'm glad I've got a secret pocket of
smiles I can pull out anytime I need them.
In C/O of you!
Love Always,
~Kamela
Monday, December 1, 2008
sharing secrets
Michele, your comment means the world - thanks so much for taking the time to share with us.
the other day, i had a breakdown on the toilet. a strange place, i suppose, to most people - but james and i had a weird and admittedly disgusting habit of talking to each other when we were both on the toilet. wait a second, i would tell him, i gotta flush and wash. and he would be all me too, and then after we would carry on like no big deal. like it was completely normal.
neither one of us was completely normal - obviously. i think that's why we got a long so well.
so im sitting there the other day, crying again, on the toilet, so upset that i cant pick up the phone to call him and tell him i feel the babies kicking. i am five months pregnant today, and these two babies im carrying will never, ever know james' loving and giving spirit. they wont know his jokes, or how silly he was, or how thoughtful he was, or how funny he was. they will never get a gift from him, with a poem written especially for them, in a card lovingly and thoroughly picked out by him (he took FOREVER getting *just the right card* for whomever he was buying for) or know how much he loved kids, or how thoughtful he was when we all least expected it - like birthdays and anniversaries or when we had something major kicking our asses or even when we had something minor going on in our lives - he remembered every single thing, and made sure we knew it in such a gentle, quiet way - like it was our little secret.
just like you described, Michele, when you walked past your desk.
im reposting your comment for prosperity. it feels like the biggest hug in the world each time i read it. like i said before, his coworkers had him every single day he bothered to show up. you guys are feeling his loss just as much as we all are - more i would think because you all had him around 8 full hours a day - i only had him a few hours a month, and that was during our good times. i hope all is well, and big hugs to everyone at the law dept.
xxzaidaxx
Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.
I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.
I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was of course devastated when I heard the news.
It's too late...is all you said...
Consumed by you I am.
Not by placing mind in thoughts, but
incidental. Coincidental Transindental...By every other random thought.
Through my dreams.
The one that woke me 8:59 a.m.
I awoke with a pain searing through my
chest, through my lungs, to my heart-cutting it-
slashing it-then working it's way back out.
It's a paralyzing familiar pain.
it crushes my chest with the weight of
a human foot crushing an ant-yet the ant manages to
wriggle it's way into the creases of that foot-to save face-
just to head right back out there.
In my dream...
you came to where I work.
I saw you and had to speak to you.
I know the future and what damaging
effects it had and I had to save myself-
I watched you walk out and followed you.
I called at you and, you turned and walked back to me.
You stood in front of me. Towering your six foot two inch
body over mine. Blocking the sun from my face when you
sifted weight from one foot to the other, as you sometimes did.
Your arms, followed your hands as they placed themselves at your
hips. Though you looked past me, I still felt you and smelled vanilla.
I stutterd as I spoke, not because I was nervous, but because, I knew
these were my only words to you. I knew what was to come.
"I wanted...I ...I need you ....to know....to know....that.....I....I...
that I love you...." How self-fish was I???? It sickens me....
That I needed to tell you that, why???? was it because I didn't want to
feel the way I do right now??? I didn't want the grief to follow me home???
I didn't want the sadness to circle it grips around my neck at night???
Augh!! I am so disgusted right now....
But you followed with: " it's too late" As you looked past me....I awoke at 8:59 a.m.
~Devastatedly Kamela
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