the other day, i had a breakdown on the toilet. a strange place, i suppose, to most people - but james and i had a weird and admittedly disgusting habit of talking to each other when we were both on the toilet. wait a second, i would tell him, i gotta flush and wash. and he would be all me too, and then after we would carry on like no big deal. like it was completely normal.
neither one of us was completely normal - obviously. i think that's why we got a long so well.
so im sitting there the other day, crying again, on the toilet, so upset that i cant pick up the phone to call him and tell him i feel the babies kicking. i am five months pregnant today, and these two babies im carrying will never, ever know james' loving and giving spirit. they wont know his jokes, or how silly he was, or how thoughtful he was, or how funny he was. they will never get a gift from him, with a poem written especially for them, in a card lovingly and thoroughly picked out by him (he took FOREVER getting *just the right card* for whomever he was buying for) or know how much he loved kids, or how thoughtful he was when we all least expected it - like birthdays and anniversaries or when we had something major kicking our asses or even when we had something minor going on in our lives - he remembered every single thing, and made sure we knew it in such a gentle, quiet way - like it was our little secret.
just like you described, Michele, when you walked past your desk.
im reposting your comment for prosperity. it feels like the biggest hug in the world each time i read it. like i said before, his coworkers had him every single day he bothered to show up. you guys are feeling his loss just as much as we all are - more i would think because you all had him around 8 full hours a day - i only had him a few hours a month, and that was during our good times. i hope all is well, and big hugs to everyone at the law dept.
xxzaidaxx
Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.
I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.
I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was of course devastated when I heard the news.
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