Still in my heart

Hi buddy,

It been a while since I came on here, I guess sometimes it is just too much to think about you not been here.

It's been a year and it feels like it was just yesterday on Tuesday of that week you came over to my desk and ask me come with you to get breakfast. Who knew that was the last time we would speak to each other again. Still miss you so much I can't believe it been a year and it can still hurt so much that you aren't here. You are still constantly in the back of my mind.

Love you always

Miss you so much

Love you always

Erin

 

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I thought...

May 29, 2009........I set a reminder on my phone a while ago, and forgot about it,
though I didn't need reminding, who does?!?!?
I couldn't get to sleep last night...
Today feels somber.
Feels lonesome.
I was making ice tea and went to check my phone to
see if I had any missed calls.
I saw your name, (but it was my calendar reminder)
and that was the most bitter sweet moment.
For the quickest second I thought that I had a missed call from
you.  My heart was the happiest for a moment.  I felt it actually stop.
I thought you were at work and you called me to annoy me
cuz you were bored. I thought  you heard new song and wanted me to listen to
it.  I thought you were calling to have me meet you for lunch.
I thought you saw a HOT girl and wanted to call and tell me how gorgeous she is.
I thought something reminded you of an old friend and you
decided to say hello.
I thought you thought of me.
I thought you decided to call me.

I wish any of these were true.

Just me wishing too hard.

Hearts.....
Kamela

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Miss you Goonie!!

Your in my thoughts and I keep you close to my heart.

Miss you. Love you.

~Kamela

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Memorial Day...

James,

I know I sound repetitive.
But you were are still so very important to me.
It hurts so badly that you are not here.
I don't know what to do with my thoughts,
feelings and emotions sometimes.
Yesterday I went bike riding.
I know that you and my sister used to go.
And that would have been a nice and safe
thing for us to do together.
I thought of you all day as I was trying not to
get caught between a bus and a car the way you did
last year.  And I laughed at how mad you were when
your bike was stolen right out side of the Law Dept.
the first day after you bought it.
A butterfly floated around my head yesterday.
I knew it was you. It was pretty.  Yellow and black.  It was busy.
It moved like you do or rather like you did.  Busy never constant.
I miss you.
I still feel this can't be true and you've moved away like the two times you said you
were gonna.  I was sad then and for a quick moment felt lost.
Never thought that moment would be come, nevertheless be
a staple emotion in my life, in a life that should be certain
at this point. 
I know now that nothing is certain, even with my dad's passing,
I thought it as a process of life.  But you not in a million years.
I would ask God to return if I knew it was possible because we all
miss you dearly.  I miss you dearly.  And I will continue to write and
sound redundant because I know I can come here and have a place
to put these lost feelings to rest with you. I know that the feelings are
redundant but I feel them strongly like I feel others and I have no one
who would really know I how I feel.  So I hope you don't mind me thinking
them and talking to you and saying the same things over and over....
I miss you.  You infinitely are important to me with every step I take.
I think of you fondly.  Often. I smile and miss you.
I miss your antics and conspiracy plans...lol
Sweet James...

~Kamela

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............

I felt myself lose my breath a lot today and the day isn't even over yet.
I got really mad at you today when I was walking to the bank.
I even cussed you a little, and no I still don't cuss, but just rant and rave.
I call you to walk with me when I need a friend.  And I needed you today!
I needed you, I still do. 
The next few days will be difficult, as I just thought about it.
About why I feel sadder today.  Everyone has that same one wish,
to have one moment back, to turn back time, to be granted just one,
only one wish.
To be at a certain place, just one more time.
To see a particular face one more time.
To say the most meaningful words because you knew it was your last
chance. 
I am glad to said my words.
But I'd love to see your face again.
I would love to talk to you again, though your voice will be forever ingrained
in my mind.
To sit across from you, and share the same space.
To share the same air.

I miss you so very very much.
~Kamela

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Stressed Out!

I thought about you this weekend a lot. Just thinking if you where still here I will have nothing but laughter here at work. I never been so stressed like this before. But I know what you would say. You would tell me “FUCKED THAT BITCH ASS…” Love you James!

 

*** Manfa***

 

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Dreams...

My Dear Friend,

There is so much that I miss you for.
I miss my friend, my dear, dear, dear
friend. There are days that I wondered
how did I get by with you gone.  I had a
dream the other night.  I dreamed that I had died
and you were still here.  That I tried calling you on
the phone.  It rang. You picked it up. But there was
no answer.  You knew it was me.  And I was watching
you, as you answered the phone and you felt sad b/c you
knew it was me and you couldn't speak to me. It the way I
(we) feel now.  But you went on with you day like you always do.
But you paused and thought of me.  And that made me feel so good.
So right now I willingly pause and remember you, instead of thoughts and
memories catching me off guard.  I pause and remember you.  The sweet,
good, funny, hopeful you.  The you that in these last years went for your dreams
and gave it a chance, no matter the outcome.  You did it. I pause and think
of the smiles you gave and created and the lives you have changed for all of our
lives.  I pause and think of the moments this past week when your thoughts came
through my brother and sister's mouth and we looked at each other thinking,
"That was sooooo James!!!" and laughter followed...
I love when I dream of you because these dreams are so
rich and seem so real and for few moments caught between waking and
sleepiness and those always feel so real.

I miss you, my dear friend.  At times the pain loneliness of you in particular
not being here is palpable.  You will always indefinitely been where you have
always been, in my heart...

  Love,
~Kamela

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A Boy?

Good Afternoon, It’s been a while since I have posted something. Just been getting my thoughts together and other things I must say. I really do miss you James. I think about you every day. Since I been Pregnant I had a few dreams about you. But two of the dreams sticks out.

 

The first one was when I found out I was pregnant. You were holding a little boy and it was dark in my apartment. You didn’t speak or anything but you was looking for a way out the apartment with the baby. Than you sat the little boy on the chair. I stayed in the bed room pretended to be sleep. The little boy walk to me and said “ Mommy are you coming” I said “no do you want me to come” The boy replied “Mommy I don’t want to leave you I want to stay with you forever and I love you” After the little boy and I stopped talking you had already left the apartment.

 

The Second Dream: We were in someone’s apartment didn’t recognize the apartment. You seemed a little distant didn’t say much, you looked sad or something. But you left a big basket on a table. I went over to the table and it was nothing but blue and white clothing within the basket. I went over to you and hugged you and asked “What’s the matter” You said nothing, than I guess I woke up.

 

If you are trying to tell me it’s a boy I’m having, well thank you for letting me know. LOL but we all know that I’m cheering for a girl. But I’m happy with whatever God blesses us with.

 

James I miss you and I sure wish you were here to see me go through this pregnancy because you will be in laugher 24/7 I promise. I have gotten a little crazy!!!!

 

Love You

 

**Manta** Bff

 

 

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