the seizures.

it was the only time we were able to really take care of him...

every other time it was him taking care of us.

the night that ann told us james died, my son, ryan, told me a story of when they all went camping a few summers ago. ryan must have been 10 or 11, and had known james since he was 3, and knew how to help james when he had a seizure. he knew what to look for - like when james touched his stomach right before it came, and his lips turned purplish blue, and his face would contort, and then he'd start cursing. ryan knew to try to talk him through it, remind him who and where he was, guide him so that he wouldnt hurt himself or walk into traffic, he knew what to do in case he bit his tongue, ryan knew not be offended by the tourette's like outbursts and that we would all joke about the horrible things he said later, he knew that if james' seizures lasted more than a few minutes he would have to call 911, he knew that after the seizure was over james needed to nap, and to check on him if he was sleeping too long, because sometimes he bit his tongue in his sleep. he knew that james wouldnt remember a thing, except when he woke up he would be disoriented and confused, and that when he was clearminded we would recap the whole thing, so that he could keep track of them like he was supposed to but didnt, really.

so that one summer of camping when they were all down at the beach and it was ryan and james and jack and jordyn and alyssa swimming - ryan knew instantly that james was having a seizure in the water, and that he needed to pull him out as quickly as possible and bring him to shore. by then the seizure was over, thank god ryan was there to pull him out.

"im the oldest mom, and i didnt want the kids to see him in the water and get scared."

ryan told me this story when i told him james died. he felt as helpless as i did, as anyone who has helped james when he seized did. there was only so much we could do during his seizures, and it never seem enough.

so i told ryan:

we all did our best to help him when we could. you helped him when he needed you. he knows that now, he knows everything now.

i need to believe that, you should too.