Somewhere besides here.....

Last night was the first time I went out, I allowed myself to be somewhere else
beside this hollow place, that this time has come to find me in. Christian and I, yes I
actually used his name, although you never allowed me to say it when we would
speak. You never wanted to know. lol. so we went to a friend's house party. at first it was
the usual. People in niches talking, spitting nonsense to impress, while i regress, from
this illusive place. Never have i been interested in the on goings on in some random
person's life, and now ever more so. The night continued on. I thought i needed to leave
this place. I needed to leave this hollow place, that's held me captive these past days. These past days my life has been stagnant, but the thoughts they keep moving, moving in and out.
The past eleven years you've been apart of my life has reappeared, I never forgot them, just
placed them aside so that I could move on from "us". I got a drink. I drank that drink.

I drank it so fast and it was strong, stronger than I. Numb. Numb is what I wanted to be. I didn't
want to feel the pain. I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel
empty, hollow. I didn't want to think about how I want to call you so badly and talk to you.
I didn't want to think about how you never could yourself my friend, but that is exactly what
we were. We were more than friends....How can you know someone for eleven years, share
laughter with them, share tears with them, share family with them, share your life with them,
share you quiet times with them and not call them your friend.... I drank that drink. And for
one hour you did not cross my mind. It felt great. I did not miss you. I did not hurt. You
were not gone from my mind. Until a Maxwell song came on, then I went right back to that
place, that hollow place.........I miss you him some me.......
Love
~Kamela