the best friend factor

there are things you tell your best friend that you would never tell your family, or your other friends, or your lovers, or anyone for that matter. you can tell your best friend anything and everything, like they are an extension of yourself, hanging out in your head, because you dont know that you can trust anyone else more than yourself and your best friend. there is this unspoken, unconditional thing you have with each other that is beyond just the words.

and so when you have a betrayal or a misunderstanding or even a loss of that friendship it's as devastating as if you lost a part of yourself. it's like someone cut off your right hand that you took it for granted the entire time, and now how do you function without it? you have to relearn everything from day one because it's your new reality.

living without you is our new reality.

in april 2007, the first time i took my future husband, daniel, to meet my best friend james, would be the last time i would see james for another year. for two months after that falling out, and what i felt was a huge betrayal of james and my friendship with him, i was still crying over our argument. during that time of silence, his other best friend victor had died. i had spent a lot of time with james and victor over the years. we traveled together and where ever james was, victor was and where ever victor was we would hop in my car and go get him. and i should have been there for victor's funeral. i should have been there for victor and i should have been there for james, and i should have been there for me, but i let anger and hurt and resentment and pride ruin me. instead i mourned for victor all that time alone, without the support of my best friend who needed me as much as i needed him.

that wont ever happen again, but not by my choice this time, because james is irreplaceable.

there are things you tell your best friend that you would never ever tell anyone else in the world. yea, james told his stories, the same ones he repeated to everyone. funny stories that usually embarrassed people but got a laugh. but there are things that i know about you that you probably have no idea that i would know - the deep stuff, the things he whispered, or when his expression would soften and his voice got quiet you just knew he was going to be serious this time. there are things he told me that his family would be embarrassed that i knew, and his lovers would absolutely hate that i knew, and things about the dynamics of other friendships at work and at baseball and at basketball and with the kids in his life that you dont know that i knew.

when your family pisses you off, you tell your best friend.

when you are fighting with your lover, you call your best friend.

if your coworker is being a dick, you meet your best friend for coffee.

when your kids are being a pain in the ass, james tells you to beat them.

if you are up to no good, and sorta feel guilty about it, then you call your best friend and ask if you can spend the night, because a phone call or a lunch at 7A is not enough time to get it all out - you need to make homemade cake, put on some good music, and talk until the sun comes up, or until one of us gets bored and falls asleep, just like always.

there were big reasons why i never went to the parties or the get-togethers or the events over the years. one was because i hated sharing james. i wanted him all to myself. i loved how we were when it was just the two of us, the bickering and the banter and the intimacy and our secrets. two, because i knew more about you than i should have known, and i didnt want to take a chance of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. i suck with words, and james was perfect with words, unless he was being a racist or homophobe, or something else equally outrageous.

i am fairly sure that i have chosen writing about james versus talking about james because i am afraid that in my hysteria that i will divulge things that might hurt some, or shock some, or just things i know that i probably shouldnt know but anyone who has a 'best' friend knows this comes with the territory. james didnt have a filter, and i tried but most times i dont either. and with talking you cant go back and erase those words or edit those words and change those words so that they come out just right. once you say something it's said. you cant go back.

james, i promise that for the rest of my life will never betray our trust and our secrets. i promise to do my best to be supportive of everyone, while keeping what we built over the years. i promise to try my best to not be prideful and let resentment get in the way with people i truly love and care for. i promise all those things i told you yesterday but wont say here. i promise to zipper my lip for the rest of my life.

20 times a day i want to call you to tell you something new and i cant. i want to bitch and moan or rejoice and share and 100 times a day i am filled with regret and remorse because we lost a whole fucking year of friendship over a fucking misunderstanding and, im not going to lie just because your dead: you had a serious need for anger management because your tantrums were out of control. jennifer was there for the entire horrendous, eventful evening, and if you are reading this jennifer you know exactly what im talking about. and the stories that james told after about what happened are completely one-sided but thats what happens when you get pissed. i get it. but i was hurt so much more by what happened after that night, and well, we can't go back now. it is what it was.

james, my sweet, you crazy motherfucker, im glad we had the last three months to mend that tear in our blanket. im glad i took you to my special place in the park, and we were able to talk, just you and i like always, that night, alone, by the water, to figure out our shit. im glad you said sorry to daniel without me forcing you because it was the right thing to do. im glad you hugged me tight and kissed my forehead and told me you loved me without giving a shit what anyone thought. im glad victor introduced me to you at disney all that time ago, and that since day one of us meeting, you read me your poems before you gave them away, because my opinion really mattered.

my life will never be the same without you.

xx zaida xx