not ever. not until the day i die.
last week, you played a trick on us. i know it was you. nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
daniel and i went grocery shopping. it was the first time i was actually feeling like a normal human being in weeks. no morning sickness, no migraines, no crankiness. it was a rare treat. it was just two of us, me and my husband, unpacking the compra on to the counter, bantering, teasing, flirting, goofing off.
we were there maybe 5 minutes tops, when suddenly the cd player in the kitchen turned itself on and started playing.
the song was: "better when we're together"
here's the thing - that fucking cd player hasnt worked in YEARS. it's one you and i bought together, james. i keep it in the kitchen because i like listening to the radio when im washing dishes or doing laundry. daniel listens to his classic rock station when he's cooking. i know i used to tease you about having a cd player in your bathroom when my shit was just the same, only in a different room. a few days before that night i was complaining about all the commercials and how much i hate the radio, and daniel did something to the crystal or whatever that gets the cd to play. it worked. all these years without playing cds and he fixed it in 2 seconds. the problem is that we put every cd we owned in storage, except for the one that ryan tried to play not knowing it didnt work. we didnt know he left it in there, but there it was, and now it was playing.
so we are standing in the kitchen, laughing, and all of a sudden all by itself this fucking cd starts playing and it's a song about a couple who is always better when they are together.
and i asked daniel, how did you do that? how did you turn it on from over there? did you find the remote?
and he was all i thought you turned it on?
and im all but im standing right here and youre looking at me theres no way i could turn it on without you seeing me
and he looked at me and i looked at him and i started to cry
oh man i cried and cried and he hugged me and i cried oh my god it's james it's james he heard me today oh james i miss you so much and i cried more while daniel held me tight
see, i had been thinking about you all that day. i had been asking you to help me with something, to give me a sign, to show me that you still exist, if not here then close where you can hear my heart and my thoughts and my prayers - if you can hear me just tell me show me something familiar
and right at the perfect moment, when i was feeling uber happiness, you played a song on the cd player for us
we we all know how much you communicated your feelings through music
how much music touched you, how much you appreciated the lyric the melody the soul coming from the singers the songwriters how you would tear up when you heard the perfect verse
how you would hit rewind in case we missed it the first time
and how many times i didnt tell you that you were my music i never heard more music alone than when i was with you and how one of the last things we purchased together was that 70's CD boxset collection with barry manilow and the bee gee's and all those other corny fuckers. remember that night? we kept watching that informercial over and over again and you said we should buy it we should split it that you would download it all to your ipod then i can take the cds and we'd share it
it's been almost a week, and that cd player keeps turning on by itself, when im alone, when im thinking of you.
daniel thinks it's a short circuit, and i say bullshit.
you and i sang this song, that night, watching that informercial in the dark, acting silly. and we coudlnt remember who sang it, because the name hadnt scrolled across the screen. yea, we kept hitting rewind, and then we finally caved:
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
Chorus:
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
xxzaidaxx
2 comments:
Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.
I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.
I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was of course devastated when I heard the news.
Hi, Zaida
I have to say this is very funny, and very true of James. Once he becomes very comfortable with you there isn't anything he wouldn't do in front of you. First you are shock, but then you say to yourself eh its James. I remembered many times going over to his house just to hang out or spend the night. James would be on the toilet and have and entire coversation with you with the door open. Thinking about it now makes me laugh.
Erin
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