Longest Post Ever

a few days ago, my new friend, Gillian, and i were talking about energy. about feeling vibes and feeling energy. like when someone walks into a room and you know whether shit is going to be kosher or not.

it's 5:54am and im so freaked the fuck out right now that i need to turn the light on.

i was telling her that after you died i kept seeing you everywhere. i heard your voice in my right ear over and over, telling me what to do, calming me down. that you kept coming to me when i was awake and when i was asleep. for weeks after you passed. that i was pretty much certifiable, and that daniel wanted to have me committed to a psych ward because seeing dead people is crazy.

fuck. i cant stop crying now. it's all coming back. you came to me in this dream a few minutes ago and im so overwhelmed with grief again because IT WAS JUST SO REAL. YOU WERE SO ALIVE IN MY DREAM JAMES.

earlier this evening i was telling Gillian tha t i wished she could have met you. that she would have loved you. that if she met you she would have known who i am completely. that there was no me without James. there was no major decision in my adult life that you were not a part of. that you were part of my very existence. that you were hip hop and i am hip hop and that nobody got that about me but you.

oh my fucking god im so overwhelmed right now im melting.

im fairly sure i just snotted on my keyboard.

i left her house and didnt think anything more. just that i love you so much and it was nice to talk about you without sadness, finally.

fast forward to an hour ago.

4:45am daniel was leaving for work as usual, and i got up to kiss him good bye. Stella was sound asleep in her crib, and Gabriel was stirring in his. he had slept through his last feeding so i knew it would be time for him to get up soon. i picked him up and brought him into bed. gave him a bottle before it went stale, then debated on nursing him to sleep. it would be a bad habit to start, i thought, because then he wont go to bed without breastfeeding. so i nursed him and put him down. he woke up wide awake thrilled to see me with a giant smile on his face, and i thought oh crap he is going to wake Stella up so let me bring him back to bed. another thing i try not to do is cosleep because again with two babies it's too difficult to have them in bed with us- better to teach them how to sleep in their own bed right off the bat. but Gabriel started playing with my cheek. rubbing it sort of with his tiny little fist. so i snuggled in with him really tight. he started to get sleepy and so did i. the last thing i remember before i went to sleep was saying in my head

thank you, James. thank you for giving me Gabriel. in one dream you told me i was pregnant, and then in another dream i told you to give me my dead baby back and you did. you gave me Gabriel.

laying with Gabriel an hour ago i absolutely knew that to be 100% true. i wanted my boy that i lost the week before you died, and you gave him back to me.

i guess i fell asleeep, because here i am crying hysterically about the dream you came to me in.

and now the dream:

daniel and i were volunteering at some hospital/community center/shelter of some sort. lots of weird stuff happens, as usual with us anyway, not so unusual for a dream either. we walked out to the street. it was the first snow. in a different city. in the middle of the street was a guy that used to live in our neighborhood, that hosts his own science show. he was live tweeting something from the middle of the street. we threw a party for him a few weeks ago, but i couldnt go to meet him because the babies were sick. so seeing him in the middle of the street live tweeting i got really excited. there was a eyewitness news van a few feet away, with cameras recording him. i dragged daniel to the van to see what the project was. in my excitement, the cameramen asked to record me asking how i knew the guy. i went through the whole spiel just bubbling trying to remember every detail. at one point he looks down at the camera and said

it didnt record. mind if we quote you and take a picture?

so i said sure. then a bunch of people ran over to me beside me and back of me to stand in the photo. one of those people was Jordyn. im all JORDYN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? I DIDNT EVEN SEE YOU! and she ran to me and hugged me. so we posed for the photo. the camera guy was in front of the truck but the side doors were open, like a minivan. i had noticed people in the van but didnt know any of them. we were smiling for the camera, and the guy kept saying one more one more...

that's when i saw you among the people in the van, over his shoulder. you were mugging. like, playing a trick on me to see how long it would take me to notice that you standing there in the middle of like 6 strangers. i did a double take, and then i started mouthing WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

it was so real so real so real i have goosebumps all over again.

you started laughing and came out from behind them and gave me a hug like i hadnt felt in so long. and im all WHAT THE FUCK are you doing here??? and you said

C'mon, Zaida. Did you really think I was going to let my daughter be in your dream and not be here?

and you started laughing and im laughing still in shock. of course not. of course he wouldnt let Jordyn out of his sight for a second.

and im all, but but but the camera guy. and the camera guy says

I not really a camera guy. I'm dead too.

and you both started laughing like you got away with the best prank ever.

you were both friends. i've never seen this guy before in my life, but you guys are buddies on the other side. and you were so comfortable with each other - i knew in my heart that he was your confidant, that you told him your secrets, and i found comfort knowing that you werent alone. he is a white preppy dude. dark hair. amazing smile. light eyes. not sure if they were blue or brown, but enough to light up a room. dimples.

and you and i were talking. you were saying that you still dont know how or why you died. that it was bullshit. that you got robbed. and

I told you! I told you I was going to die young but you didnt believe me.

but you know what's going on. that it's crazy how you can be aware of everything even if you are not exactly there at the moment. and Jordyn was running around, and you were beaming. BEAMING. it was the first dream ive seen you in after you died where you were actually happy. and in the dream i kept asking people around me if they could see you. i asked daniel and he said no. James, you told me that i was the only one who could see you and your friend in the dream. i started getting upset. upset and crying like i am now. saying it's not fair it's not fair. and you touched my face and said

It's going to be okay, Zaida.

and i took a long deep breath when your hand touched my skin.

a breath that woke me up.

it was almost like i had stopped breathing, and the breath made my heart beat again.

i looked down, and Gabriel was still snuggled in my chest, sound asleep.

and here i am crying, a full hour after i woke up, typing this out

so i wont forget a thing you said to me.

by the way, you looked really young and handsome. not a zit in sight. hair was tight. skin moisturized. very well put together.

i appreciate the effort.

it was obvious you knew i was coming.

xxZxx