where do i begin

and when does it end?

now, right this second, im crying for you.  dripping, snotting, hands shaking as my keyboard bounces.  i can no longer hold back the tears today.  ive tried to be strong, and not let it all get to me.  ive tried to remember every.single.thing. you have told me all these years when i feel frustrated, defeated, angry, resentful. 

"dont worry about that shit, zaida" you would say.

what i wouldnt do to hear your voice again, you have no idea.

i imagine your bear hugs, and me sobbing in your chest. 

i imagine you wiping my tears, and then putting your finger on my chest, pointing out the non-existent stain just so you can flick my nostril and then laugh while i looked confused and played all in a millisecond and then you telling me that i fall for it each time.

"you'd think you'd know by now" you would say.

i want to hear you say

dont worry.
it will all work out.
that's nothing.
it's not that big a deal.
you think that's bad?  there was this one time...
it will be fine, just wait.  you'll see.
tell me what you need me to do.

i see your face when you said these things to me
i hear the inflection in your voice
see the light in your eyes
see that concerned look turn into a devilish grin when you've hatched a plan
then remember how quickly you made me laugh to distract me

i feel selfish
i want you to rescue me, like always.
this is what best friends do.

but now it's up to me to rescue myself.

it's lonely without you.  extremely lonely, james.

it's supposed to get easier, people say.

that's fucking bullshit.  it's a fucking lie. 

it doesnt get easier.  you just remember less.

lose someone you would die for,
right when his life was *really* just beginning,
then give some decent advice, fucking dickwads.

xxzaidaxx