A year...

Dude, I don't know what is going on with all the dreams!!
Why do I keep dreaming of you?
It doesn't make me happy.  They make me feel worse
and I can't take the constant pain.
Maybe if I kept much more busy, the way you
did, I'd be to tired to dream.  Or too busy to think.
Or  if I was  filled with other thoughts and ideas to think
of you being missing.  I know I use words like,
"gone" "missing" "not here".  I haven't used the adult
real words out loud for what happened.  Can't accept it.
When you do cross my mind, I think yeah, he's on vaca
in Cali or Florida or London or some other place.
I also dreamt of Jordyn this morning, of when she was
about three and she came to my house and fell in love with
my stepper machine.  And she spent the entire day stepping.
Then we colored.  I still have those coloring pages. I found them
a couple of weeks ago. It's sweet.
I guess there is so much on my mind, so much left to talk about
so much history and a year of you not here won't make things ok.
A year won't ease the pain.  A year won't make the heart ache go away.
A year just won't do it. 


OXOXO,
Kamela