Feeling So Lonely Today...

Hey J,

Today, a day like today, where no one else can be found and not a thing to do.... or rather want to do... I would always have you. I would call you up, you would convince me to come ova... I wouldn't want to b/c it would be to cold but you would make the offer so enticing by proclaiming to make the slamminest chicken curry or tacos and then promise we'd go c a movie.  Then, when i got there you would make me move furniture all around watch ESPN, although that one time you made me watch Brahm Stroker's Dracula which was surprisingly good.  Then play all the music you had on your computer,  and right before I would leave you would find some excuse like you were burning a cd for my sister...only 15minutes to go,or you had to show me a picture... then you would be like sleep ova...and we could play Wii... like we were kids. You never wanted to be alone...i didn't pick up on it until after well you know.  You always like to ride bikes! I remember that summer we rode all around the city and u got squished between a NYC bus and a cabbie... then when you got that new bike the very next day it was stolen right in front of the Law department.  You always said me and you would have been a better couple than you and my sister...lol....truth is we probably would've since we made such great pals.  You were my big bro, my "go to guy," i must admit my little bro has been doing a great job lately with that...you know how complicated life can get for me...or how i can make it...we are the ones who make it complicated.  So much I want to say and discuss but its just been to hard...its just not the same without you...For a while there we were two peas in a pod... You drove me insane with your farting sounds anytime someone innocently leaned over...You were and always will be my BFF... no one will take that title!  You've impacted my life more than you will ever know... I am thankful that God placed you in my life...I feel blessed to have known you.  I cant believe that i'm writing this to you and you won't reply...I'm so hurt that you are gone....i luv you....kinda dont want to stop writing i feel like you can hear me...it feels like you are talking to me.  Our conversations are still so very distinct...I hope you will not be mad at me b/c i've tried to forget you...just so I won't feel the pain and reality of it all.  But I guess we have to feel it to accept it... and by accepting it we can live with it...and when we start living again that's how your memory will remain constant, and through our memories of you that is how you remain with us.  Still cant help but feel that it's just not fair...not you...not you.... Still haven't erased your number in my contacts got a new phone and everything i guess it's part of the process.  You know that day...That Wednesday when i called  you and you didn't answer I was trying not to think anything bad happened...It's weird but that weekend, memorial day weekend this overwhelming feeling of sadness permeated throughout me.  I felt like the world was going to end.  I spoke to you that Sunday and you were trying to get me to go to that party.  I didn't know that would be the last time i would talk to you, you gave me some boy advice, you had just purchased your suit for the big day.  When i was down you would always say it could be worse and give me some outrageous story of what the situation could've been... You made me appreciate and love my family so much more because you allowed me to see them in a different light each time I would complain about silly things my brother did or how my sister was being to overprotective and how my Mom would, well be such a Mom even though i was 27 and had the right to do whatever i wanterd.  But that's the great thing about friends... they make us see things that only someone looking in from the outside could.  Only thing i regret is not going with you and the family to Ireland...I have that post card....and the pic of my name in the sand...Don't think I'll ever be ok with you being gone....but I'm trying to get to a place of accepting it....I know God has a plan for us all it's up to us to accept his will in our lives...and if this was part of his will then who am I to question it.  I can be angry with it...but i still believe in God's will so...I will continue to pray for you, your family, and all of us who have suffered in your absence.  Miss u... I dont feel so lonely anymore. 

Your Pal,

Kimmy
 

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