James. I miss you.
Heard a song that of course reminded me of you.
and then I thought that I need to speak to you.
And it kills me. and then the missing you came.
the sick pains. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
~Love,
Kamela
Monday, April 20, 2009
Just plain miss you.......
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thoughts....
~You have been the closest thing to a perfect soul that I have known.
Never self-fish. Never waivering. Only offering what you could, when it
was sincere.
Just wanted to say it again~
~Kamela
Monday, April 6, 2009
Miss you...
I miss you so much and I need someone to talk.
My heart is heavy with thoughts.
God, this cannot be happening.
James, why are you not here???
Why did this have to happen to you?
Of all the people in my life you have been a
staple for 11 years. You were one
of the few things I did not want to live
without and look here is it.
What are the chances that life just
doesn't work out either way?!?!!?
I miss you dearly...
~Kamela
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Call me...
So I've been doing something really funny as of late.
I've got some new music. Just some stuff I've run into
from here and there. And I love them, these new songs.
And I'm really excited about them. So I've been trying to get
people to listen to my new found songs and have them feel
the pain, feel the words, feel the strings, the piano, the voice.
But no one seems to bother with me. They think I've got too much
time on my hands, now that I'm unemployed. Then on the train the
other day, the thought slapped my in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James. I've turned into you!!!!!!!!! It was the funniest thing that has
happened in a long time. Then I thought of you. I thought of how much
you wanted me and I'm sure many others to listen, just to sit and share a moment
with you. You wanted to share this passion you had at a particular moment.
I recall the hours of "torture", I used to call them.
So call me now, and play something sweet....
~Kamela
Monday, March 9, 2009
Heaven...
James, James, James.
Surreal. The time has gone
by as it should, as it must.
But you, are never far from my thoughts.
The pain in my heart has not eased one ounce.
But has gotten heavier. I think about you watching over us.
From heaven...
"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven"
I miss you.
~Kamela
Thursday, February 19, 2009
6:21
I dreamt of you early this morning.
Your entire family was there.
And you were 23 again.
Your face was beautiful.
Your cheeks were flush.
Your eyes, the bluest ever.
Your voice the same.
It resonated in my head and heart.
Zaida was there.
Grandma was there, too.
I remember seeing Jenny, she
was young as when I met her,
19 or so. Uncle Mike. Your Mom.
It was a serious conversation.
We were all talking about something
serious. It was about you. You weren't
well. And we were trying to figure things out.
You started to cry. You buried you face in your hands
as you sometimes did, when things were too much for you.
But for the most part you were strong, as you always were.
Your voice was strong. It was the one I remember.
You wore a pink oxford shirt and jeans, and those Eastland shoes.
I started to cry. I could feel your presence in my room. It was so
strong. It was you comforting me. The room was warm and comfortable.
I cried and woke up and cried some more and looked at my cell phone for the
time. I knew, I knew, I knew, what time is was going to be...
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
It was definitely you...
~Love,
Kamela
Monday, February 16, 2009
.........
It's February 16th.
I'm looking at this page.
This page...
is all that is left.
It's not enough.
You were always too much.
Excess...
My memories are not enough.
The letters are not enough.
The photographs are not enough.
My box full of memories are NOT enough!!
I can't call you.
I can't.
I have to get over with the grieving.
Period.
The grief is too much.
How could this be this way for someone so
sweet.
Full of sweetness. Giving only sweetness.
I know. I know. I know.
I have to stop.
Ok. :/
Goodness, my angel~~
Kamela
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
MAXWELL...
~You have more often, than often been on my mind.
I dreamt of you last night.
I don't remember the exacts about the dream, but it was a good one.
Cause I didn't wake up drenched in tears or sweat.
I had to go get a root canal done today.
I was petrified. I really, really don't like going to the dentist.
More than usual people. lol.
The last time, I was sitting in the chair, very uncomfortable,
especially because the last time the dentist was playing
a Shakira video on youtube, "Hips don't lie", and he was
intently watching her shake her hips, and it was making me very
uncomfortable, lol. And earlier he made a comment on how pretty I was.
I know you would have kicked his butt!! lol
But today he had a jazz station on,
and Maxwell came on. Out of nowhere!!
And I know it was you.
I know that it was you trying to make me feel comfortable.
You always made sure I was ok, always.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always. Always. Always.~
~Kamela
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Pandora.com...
So I've discovered Pandora.com.
You'd looooove it!
So you type in an artist,
of course I typed Maxwell...<3
and they play all the songs in that
genre.
It played the same playlist I have on my IPOD! lol.
Maxwell, D'angelo, Jill Scott, Robin Thicke, Tamia, John Lengend...
then came the waterworks.
It's really damn annoying. Normal people don't walk around
crying, the way I do. I guess it's my 'Symptom Unknown'.
On the other hand as annoying as it is, don't want the norm
to be nothing, I always want to feel something.
to be that tortured soul. It's the "cool thing" anyway, right!??!
That's how the good writing comes...
Always,
~Kamela
Monday, February 9, 2009
Damn Writing Class...
Hey Buddy
So, just wanted to say hello.
Just a quick one. lol. 2009 has
been a challenging one already.
Just need to talk, you always
had an optimist or silly outlook on life.
Which I miss.
So I'm taking this essay workshop class.
and we had to do an exercise and answer
some questions, one was : describe a you've known
for a long time but haven't seen in a long time.
I thought and thought, I can't think of anyone.
I don't let people in,yet long enough to keep them in
my life. They usually end up disappointing.
I've known you for the longest.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yet, you have always one of two of my "friends" that
I've kept the closest.
Even over the years. It may have appeared to be weird to others, but
it suited us well.
I remember everything about you.
I remember your the craziness that encapsulated your world.
I remember the complexity of the simpleness that surrounded us.
It was simple, there was no getting rid of me.
There was no getting rid of you.
Everyone else would have to understand that, figure it out, or ignore it.
I spent too long of time on this question, then when the thoughts became to
much and the room was hot and the cryball in my throat was growing, I knew it was gonna
embarrass me, I tried to think of someone else.
I tried to think of someone else.
Someone, who I haven't seen in a while, who I hold important to me. That breatheless
kind of importance, I speak to often, see often.
But after you leaving, I hold everyone I love in my life closer to me.
you would be proud.
I don't know anyone else.
I am not old enough to have old friends.
I am not old enough to have friends and keepsakes that die.
I am not old enough to deal with the 5 stages.
I am not ready to lose what I just learned that I didn't want to live my life without.
I'd take it in any shape/form.
So I ended up writing.
James.
Neurotic. Comfortable. Chicken cutlets. Obsessive bathroom cleaning. Bluest eyes. Recited stats about
Satchel Paige and made you remember them. Telling me how old school I was b/c I was still using tokens
and hadn't yet gotten on the metrocard bandwagon. The napkin writings. Believe or not they actually hold up
after many years. Missed.
So this class is gonna be the "death" of me this semester. and I think I wanted that. I guess this is my way of forcing myself
to finally start dealing with the tragedies in my life, my way.
But we're good, right???
Always,
Kamela
Monday, February 2, 2009
...
So, the Steelers won. lol.
I watched the game it was totally awesome.
You'd be proud of me.
In a room full of people, cheering and yelling
thoughts of you seeped through.
How, this is the first one you would miss
miss
miss
miss.
I thought of you today.
I spoke of you to Chris.
I'm never sure of how much I of my feelings
I can reveal to him or others.
Not sure.
The jersey.
The stories of games past.
The love of everything about Superbowl Sunday.
It's been tough.
oxoxoxo
~Kamela
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Feeling So Lonely Today...
Hey J,
Today, a day like today, where no one else can be found and not a thing to do.... or rather want to do... I would always have you. I would call you up, you would convince me to come ova... I wouldn't want to b/c it would be to cold but you would make the offer so enticing by proclaiming to make the slamminest chicken curry or tacos and then promise we'd go c a movie. Then, when i got there you would make me move furniture all around watch ESPN, although that one time you made me watch Brahm Stroker's Dracula which was surprisingly good. Then play all the music you had on your computer, and right before I would leave you would find some excuse like you were burning a cd for my sister...only 15minutes to go,or you had to show me a picture... then you would be like sleep ova...and we could play Wii... like we were kids. You never wanted to be alone...i didn't pick up on it until after well you know. You always like to ride bikes! I remember that summer we rode all around the city and u got squished between a NYC bus and a cabbie... then when you got that new bike the very next day it was stolen right in front of the Law department. You always said me and you would have been a better couple than you and my sister...lol....truth is we probably would've since we made such great pals. You were my big bro, my "go to guy," i must admit my little bro has been doing a great job lately with that...you know how complicated life can get for me...or how i can make it...we are the ones who make it complicated. So much I want to say and discuss but its just been to hard...its just not the same without you...For a while there we were two peas in a pod... You drove me insane with your farting sounds anytime someone innocently leaned over...You were and always will be my BFF... no one will take that title! You've impacted my life more than you will ever know... I am thankful that God placed you in my life...I feel blessed to have known you. I cant believe that i'm writing this to you and you won't reply...I'm so hurt that you are gone....i luv you....kinda dont want to stop writing i feel like you can hear me...it feels like you are talking to me. Our conversations are still so very distinct...I hope you will not be mad at me b/c i've tried to forget you...just so I won't feel the pain and reality of it all. But I guess we have to feel it to accept it... and by accepting it we can live with it...and when we start living again that's how your memory will remain constant, and through our memories of you that is how you remain with us. Still cant help but feel that it's just not fair...not you...not you.... Still haven't erased your number in my contacts got a new phone and everything i guess it's part of the process. You know that day...That Wednesday when i called you and you didn't answer I was trying not to think anything bad happened...It's weird but that weekend, memorial day weekend this overwhelming feeling of sadness permeated throughout me. I felt like the world was going to end. I spoke to you that Sunday and you were trying to get me to go to that party. I didn't know that would be the last time i would talk to you, you gave me some boy advice, you had just purchased your suit for the big day. When i was down you would always say it could be worse and give me some outrageous story of what the situation could've been... You made me appreciate and love my family so much more because you allowed me to see them in a different light each time I would complain about silly things my brother did or how my sister was being to overprotective and how my Mom would, well be such a Mom even though i was 27 and had the right to do whatever i wanterd. But that's the great thing about friends... they make us see things that only someone looking in from the outside could. Only thing i regret is not going with you and the family to Ireland...I have that post card....and the pic of my name in the sand...Don't think I'll ever be ok with you being gone....but I'm trying to get to a place of accepting it....I know God has a plan for us all it's up to us to accept his will in our lives...and if this was part of his will then who am I to question it. I can be angry with it...but i still believe in God's will so...I will continue to pray for you, your family, and all of us who have suffered in your absence. Miss u... I dont feel so lonely anymore.
Your Pal,
Kimmy
Windows Live™ Hotmail®:…more than just e-mail. Check it out.
fish out of water
i swear, i promise, on my unborn children, i dont *want* to be mad at you. really you need to believe this. you came to me in my dream last night after months of silence. so crystal fucking clear you were, standing in front of me, telling me over and over there was nothing you could do. i was giving you that look, you know, *that* look, that look i give you when i think you are totally full of shit, that you are trying to pull yet something else over, trying to make us believe that whatever story youve concocted was actually true! and you'll let that shit go on for days if you could, then when i finally start believing you out of nowhere you turn around and say,
"nah, i was just kidding. how could you believe that anyway??"
because i wanted to believe every fantastic story you told.
you were so damn convincing, coloring even the more boring, most mundane shit so bright like it was alice in fucking wonderland. your eyes lit up, and you would get so happy and excited once we realized, damn, we've been duped again! and we'll stand there like, yo, that shits not funny yo. for real.
and we'll laugh anyway.
so needless to say, in my dream, i thought you were full of it. of course you could have done something more. i mean, how am i to really believe that someone as big as you fucking are can't turn himself over in bed?
you were pacing in the dream, shifting in your feet. i could tell you were being "for serious" this time. there was a small gathering in your honor on a small bridge during this carnival. there were boats made up as floats, like you would see in the macy's parade, but on water, coming towards the bridge.
look at this shit, you said. i dont want any of this. why the fuck they wasting their time?
it was a carnival to celebrate you, but nobody was happy. everyone was still grieving your death. then a bunch of kids came out with rifles and started shooting at us, trying to kill us. it was implied that this was how we could stay with you. someone shot ryan, i carried him, begging him to breathe. you were gone, and it was hectic. you werent there but i knew you were "there," you just couldnt do anything. it was all out of your control. but i knew you were still there. i felt you watching.
i woke up then. just a few minutes ago. i was wheezing and it was hard to breathe. like i was jogging across the bridge the way you used to. in my dream you were so clear and so real... but there was absolutely nothing you could do to save us from the chaos that was right around the corner from the carnival.
every once in a while, daniel catches me. i try to hide it now, i wont front. i dont want anyone to see me hyperventilating, sobbing, tears streaming down my face. like now as i write this while everyone else is still sleeping. when im doing dishes, or folding laundry, or taking a shower. times like this i just cant control it, i just cant hold it in anymore. i try to push it down and make it go away, but i miss you so much - it just takes over.
so, i know what you mean, james, about things being out of our control.
that there's only so much you can do.
and like you said, there's only so much you can do.
maybe im still looking for something to blame, is all,
because im finding it so hard to believe that you are dead. gone. laying in a grave that i have to visit since they day they put your body in the ground.
instead i'll ask daniel to take me to coney island, to the aquarium.
you love your fish, and now i know why.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I miss you...James...
I am overly sad.
I miss you so much.
i don't know what to do
with myself sometimes.
Something reminds me
ever so slightly of you,
then it touches off a transcending
trail of thoughts.
The pain gets me right in the chest
throbs in my ears and clouds my head.
I can't imagine how those you saw
daily, how they feel.
How they miss the smiles and laughter.
How they miss the coffee and bagels.
Is this suppose to be this hard?????????
?????????????????????????????????
I cannot breathe...
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
time...
time goes by so fast.
laughter goes uncounted,
unless it's gone.
those phone calls you
expect but pretend not to,
mean the most.
I'll always wonder why you
called me on the day before
my birthday.
it was the strangest thing,
but it became familiar.
it's tomorrow.
and I expect the phone to
have already rung.
I can hear the conversation
in my head.
Not much longer than 2 minutes and
21 seconds.
Happy Birthday from you to me.
P.S.
I'm expecting to see a butterfly tomorrow...
~Kamela
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thinking of you...
There's so much you miss.
So much of life misses you.
I am torn between grandly moving on
and sulking and missing you.
My steps are uncertain and this life just
doesn't seem picturesque anymore.
What perfection of life is left,
when you feel one less.
I feel ashamed to miss you sometimes.
Am I worthy of such a displacement.
A hug is what I need.
You gave them greatly.
Freely. Always.
I miss you dear friend.
oxoxo
~Kamela
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Angels...
~~~"Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep."~~~
~Kamela
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
missing you...
For my once in my lifetime...
you were my "heaven scent"...
at a point in my life, you were
the sweetest of the sweet
with me.
I can only recall vanilla.
sneaking into movies, one after the
next.
chicken cutlet. chelsea piers.
ice skating. central park.
batting cages. football practice.
heaven.
walks all around NYC.
family.
Playboy.
Oh, the playboy! I've never seen before
and you, you had boxes and boxes.lol
it was yucky to me. what did I know?
Marilyn. Stevie. Michael. both.
notes. letters. declarations of all kinds.
all the girls. I was secretly jealous of...
but why was that? I asked myself why not?
how could everyone not want a piece of him???
The "No newspapers on the couch!"
Basketball. the writing. writing. writing.
I miss it.
I miss the "we" we became after the "we"
we were.
I miss you so so so so much.
I miss your ever belief in me!!
No matter what is it, I could do it. According to
you!
Heaven Scent, you always were to me.
Always will be...
Forever Angel...
~Kamela
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