(sharing your stories, one post at a time.)
Friday, October 31, 2008
Dreams
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
YAY! PHILLIES!!!
Well, James...
I know you're loving this World Series!!!!
First of all, the Yankees aren't in it!
Second of all it's real baseball!!
It's playing in the rain,
everyone has a fair chance,
and one team is not hoarding everything!! lol.
Miss your annoyin me about how much the Yankees
suuuuuuck!! lol...
~Kamela
You again...
You were in my dreams early this morning...
I went to meet you at the Law Dept. and when I saw
you, I gave you the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go.
You walked around with me still attached to your neck. lol.
Then you took me around to the courts in the Bronx and
Brooklyn and I was helping you do stuff like old times.
Making hundreds of copies, stapling..acting like I worked
there, lol.
And I woke up in a cold sweat. My clothes were drenched.
My heart was beating and the tears, I cried in my sleep.
God, this felt so, so, so real.
Just when I thought I was feeling ok,
the very second that the cloud of sadness didn't
decide to swallow me whole, yesterday,like the past 4 months.
I feel you again. I feel the sadness. I feel the need
to speak to you. Feeling lost again...
Just to speak to you again. To see your silly face.
Even to annoy me, would be the best.
James. I miss you.
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Won't forget...so you don't have to remind me...
I found you, JSA, in the most random place!!
just sitting there, while as I go on with my day...
how could this be??? Don't worry I will never forget you!! lol..
--
~Kamela
Monday, October 27, 2008
Miss you...
SIx months later...
wounds still raw.
but I see healing
coming towards me...
Healing comes with pain.
Always did, no different than
any other time...
I miss you, James!
Love,
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Miss you...
I was driving home yesterday and we
were on the west side.
And I remember when last I was there...
I thought of you...
it was the longest drive of my life...
The very moment I heard "Fortunate"
on the radio.
It was sooo very weird,
it hit my heart hard.
It was a James moment,
3 minutes and 44 seconds.
I miss you!
FAAD
~Kamela
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thoughts
Hi! Haven’t been on this blog in a while. I miss him. I miss you James
You are in my thoughts every day. It’s like a roller coaster ride, One day I’m cool, the next day I’m lost and confused. Every time I think about that day my heart falls. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m just in a down mood I guess. So many things are running through my mind.
Just wanted to say I miss you. And I know that you are happy and in a better place.
Love Always
***Manta**
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
OK...
I am very angry.
I am finally certain that what I feel is ok.
It's normal.
And I will be ok.
There will come a day when I won't cry as much.
Where I won't hurt when I think of you.
This is my time to cry for you.
This is my time for my soul, through my tears,
to make its finally connection to you that will link us forever.
Did I think it would be easy to let you go for an eternity??
When it took me so long to let you go from my side.
I am doing the best that I can at this present moment with what I have,
or have not,
which is you.
Though I am not the same person as I was in the begininng of this year,
I have changed ten times in this past decade.
And I have survived.
I have smiled again and again.
I have cried, wiped my face, and kept moving.
I will be OK.
God willing. As God has provided for me in the past.
He will provide for me again.
Love,
~Kamela
........
I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME GET OUTSIDE MY OWN HEAD!!
Fill me up.
Weight me down.
Cuss my mind.
Stop my breathe.
Take the air.
It's stiffling. It thick.
My body lays weak and numb.
Nothing is the same.
Can you see me?
You know what is happening to me, don't you?
Will you eleviate some of this?
Please take some of this burden...
Get me outside my head,
outside this body that feels not much anymore,
outside these low riding clouds.
I used to love the sunshine.
Allow me to smile.
To smile again.
To feel whole again.
~Kamela
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Maxwell.......
I know you probably know that Maxwell was in town this week!!
I knooooow!! I was sooo excited when I first heard!!
I remember when you took me.
Kim was there too.
I still have the pics from that night.
It was quite an amazing experience.
Everyone was crying and singing along!! That was either really sweet and
moving or reaaaally pansey of us all!! lol.
I am sad that I didn't get a chance to see him this time around.
I would have definitely liked for us to go. It would have been nice.
But you know what, I'm not sure how I would react to him with his new look.
I know that he's the same, and you say he's gay, just to bother me, cuz you know
I wouldn't mind marrying him. lololol. But the hair was so much part of the sex appeal of him.
It just came to mind, I'm glad I kept the Maxwell DVD you let me borrow last year!! :P
I went to another wedding last night. The fourth this year!!! I guess everyone's got the bug!!
But it was quite beautiful and they actually played the Maxwell song, you know "the one"
And I cried....played it off like I was crying bc of the occasion...lol
They actually played a few and all the girls were singing along, word for word!!
Dude, I'm really stressed out... You not here...it's hard....I'm not doing to well without my Pal.
I hold that close to my heart, you and I being Pals!!! I still have on my desk that red vase you
gave me that says "Friend, Pal and Buddy". I never told you because I didn't want you to get a
big head!! We all know how easy that happens!!
~Well my dear,
Goodnight...
Sweet Dreams...
Kamela...
Monday, October 6, 2008
I miss you soooo much
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Just plain tears....
tonight is a tough one.
I'm all tears...
being snotty nose and
swollen eyed, eyeliner
smeared face...
I can't accept it.
I can't deal with you
being gone...
A part of my being has gone with
you. A part of my becoming...
You knew me when I was the angry,
tough, and hard to "get through girl".
But you still smiled.... and I smiled.
And I'm glad I said my "Im sorries" to
you. That I'm sorry I didn't
know any better, and I did the best with what I had.
I'm glad we grew together and taught each other
how to be...
how to be still...
how to love...
how to not stay mad...
how to love the little things of
life and love...
how to be romantic...
how to love heart first
and fall head first...
how to fight and make up...
I'm glad we fought and made up...
friends first and always...
I'm glad I told you how much you
mean and meant to me.
I a mess and I miss you..... :(
~Kamela
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Goon or Scrub???
I need advice then again I know
exactly, EXACTLY what you would
tell me!!!
first you would out calling me daaaling...
then you would end with calling me a
goon or scrub...because I wouldn't see
the rational side of things...and because
I'm a girl....and because it involves a boy...
I'll always be a goon and a scrub...
anything that keeps you near my thoughts!!
P.S. thanks for the advice!
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxooxooxoxo
~Kamela
........
I just heard something and
you tuggged at my heart
it really hurts..
all the time...
whenever...
wherever...
whatever...
for a moment I couldn't
breathe.
At times it feels ok to breathe
other times...I get caught up...
the air stops and the tears
flood my eyes, my soul, my cheeks.
I heard those words...the very same words
you said once to me...how is this possible????
How can one moment in time replay itself in
my present reality????
ok, now I think I've lost it...
Isn't it said that each time we say a sentence
that it is novel and no one has ever said it
before you and no will say it after you???
what the hell man???
I miss you James!!
LFAAD
~Kamela
i hate moving on.
there are so many things you are missing.
some good, some bad, some just so absurd it's fucking funny.
all this time has passed, and still i get the urge to call your cell phone and tell you
you're not going to believe this shit, james.
is it possible to really be still in denial?
to hope youre still on vacation at some exotic location?
oh shit that rhymed, you would have appreciated that.
sometimes im just walking around doing something and i will burst into tears missing you so much.
we are moving again, against our will this time, so im back to packing.
bastards told us we'd have to give up hunter or move.
imagine? our sweet hunter...?
god, i dread packing.
and im sure that i will come across something that's yours
or something you gave me
or something we picked up when we were together
or a letter
or a card
or a picture
it's going to be another long day without you.
xxzaidaxx