Dearest James,

Friday, May 29, 2009

Still in my heart

Hi buddy,

It been a while since I came on here, I guess sometimes it is just too much to think about you not been here.

It's been a year and it feels like it was just yesterday on Tuesday of that week you came over to my desk and ask me come with you to get breakfast. Who knew that was the last time we would speak to each other again. Still miss you so much I can't believe it been a year and it can still hurt so much that you aren't here. You are still constantly in the back of my mind.

Love you always

Miss you so much

Love you always

Erin

I thought...

May 29, 2009........I set a reminder on my phone a while ago, and forgot about it,
though I didn't need reminding, who does?!?!?
I couldn't get to sleep last night...
Today feels somber.
Feels lonesome.
I was making ice tea and went to check my phone to
see if I had any missed calls.
I saw your name, (but it was my calendar reminder)
and that was the most bitter sweet moment.
For the quickest second I thought that I had a missed call from
you. My heart was the happiest for a moment. I felt it actually stop.
I thought you were at work and you called me to annoy me
cuz you were bored. I thought you heard new song and wanted me to listen to
it. I thought you were calling to have me meet you for lunch.
I thought you saw a HOT girl and wanted to call and tell me how gorgeous she is.
I thought something reminded you of an old friend and you
decided to say hello.
I thought you thought of me.
I thought you decided to call me.

I wish any of these were true.

Just me wishing too hard.

Hearts.....
Kamela

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Miss you Goonie!!

Your in my thoughts and I keep you close to my heart.

Miss you. Love you.

~Kamela

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Memorial Day...

James,

I know I sound repetitive.
But you were are still so very important to me.
It hurts so badly that you are not here.
I don't know what to do with my thoughts,
feelings and emotions sometimes.
Yesterday I went bike riding.
I know that you and my sister used to go.
And that would have been a nice and safe
thing for us to do together.
I thought of you all day as I was trying not to
get caught between a bus and a car the way you did
last year. And I laughed at how mad you were when
your bike was stolen right out side of the Law Dept.
the first day after you bought it.
A butterfly floated around my head yesterday.
I knew it was you. It was pretty. Yellow and black. It was busy.
It moved like you do or rather like you did. Busy never constant.
I miss you.
I still feel this can't be true and you've moved away like the two times you said you
were gonna. I was sad then and for a quick moment felt lost.
Never thought that moment would be come, nevertheless be
a staple emotion in my life, in a life that should be certain
at this point.
I know now that nothing is certain, even with my dad's passing,
I thought it as a process of life. But you not in a million years.
I would ask God to return if I knew it was possible because we all
miss you dearly. I miss you dearly. And I will continue to write and
sound redundant because I know I can come here and have a place
to put these lost feelings to rest with you. I know that the feelings are
redundant but I feel them strongly like I feel others and I have no one
who would really know I how I feel. So I hope you don't mind me thinking
them and talking to you and saying the same things over and over....
I miss you. You infinitely are important to me with every step I take.
I think of you fondly. Often. I smile and miss you.
I miss your antics and conspiracy plans...lol
Sweet James...

~Kamela

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

............

I felt myself lose my breath a lot today and the day isn't even over yet.
I got really mad at you today when I was walking to the bank.
I even cussed you a little, and no I still don't cuss, but just rant and rave.
I call you to walk with me when I need a friend. And I needed you today!
I needed you, I still do.
The next few days will be difficult, as I just thought about it.
About why I feel sadder today. Everyone has that same one wish,
to have one moment back, to turn back time, to be granted just one,
only one wish.
To be at a certain place, just one more time.
To see a particular face one more time.
To say the most meaningful words because you knew it was your last
chance.
I am glad to said my words.
But I'd love to see your face again.
I would love to talk to you again, though your voice will be forever ingrained
in my mind.
To sit across from you, and share the same space.
To share the same air.

I miss you so very very much.
~Kamela

Monday, May 18, 2009

Stressed Out!

I thought about you this weekend a lot. Just thinking if you where still here I will have nothing but laughter here at work. I never been so stressed like this before. But I know what you would say. You would tell me “FUCKED THAT BITCH ASS…” Love you James!

*** Manfa***

Dreams...

My Dear Friend,

There is so much that I miss you for.
I miss my friend, my dear, dear, dear
friend. There are days that I wondered
how did I get by with you gone. I had a
dream the other night. I dreamed that I had died
and you were still here. That I tried calling you on
the phone. It rang. You picked it up. But there was
no answer. You knew it was me. And I was watching
you, as you answered the phone and you felt sad b/c you
knew it was me and you couldn't speak to me. It the way I
(we) feel now. But you went on with you day like you always do.
But you paused and thought of me. And that made me feel so good.
So right now I willingly pause and remember you, instead of thoughts and
memories catching me off guard. I pause and remember you. The sweet,
good, funny, hopeful you. The you that in these last years went for your dreams
and gave it a chance, no matter the outcome. You did it. I pause and think
of the smiles you gave and created and the lives you have changed for all of our
lives. I pause and think of the moments this past week when your thoughts came
through my brother and sister's mouth and we looked at each other thinking,
"That was sooooo James!!!" and laughter followed...
I love when I dream of you because these dreams are so
rich and seem so real and for few moments caught between waking and
sleepiness and those always feel so real.

I miss you, my dear friend. At times the pain loneliness of you in particular
not being here is palpable. You will always indefinitely been where you have
always been, in my heart...

Love,
~Kamela

Thursday, May 7, 2009

A Boy?

Good Afternoon, It’s been a while since I have posted something. Just been getting my thoughts together and other things I must say. I really do miss you James. I think about you every day. Since I been Pregnant I had a few dreams about you. But two of the dreams sticks out.

The first one was when I found out I was pregnant. You were holding a little boy and it was dark in my apartment. You didn’t speak or anything but you was looking for a way out the apartment with the baby. Than you sat the little boy on the chair. I stayed in the bed room pretended to be sleep. The little boy walk to me and said “ Mommy are you coming” I said “no do you want me to come” The boy replied “Mommy I don’t want to leave you I want to stay with you forever and I love you” After the little boy and I stopped talking you had already left the apartment.

The Second Dream: We were in someone’s apartment didn’t recognize the apartment. You seemed a little distant didn’t say much, you looked sad or something. But you left a big basket on a table. I went over to the table and it was nothing but blue and white clothing within the basket. I went over to you and hugged you and asked “What’s the matter” You said nothing, than I guess I woke up.

If you are trying to tell me it’s a boy I’m having, well thank you for letting me know. LOL but we all know that I’m cheering for a girl. But I’m happy with whatever God blesses us with.

James I miss you and I sure wish you were here to see me go through this pregnancy because you will be in laugher 24/7 I promise. I have gotten a little crazy!!!!

Love You

**Manta** Bff

Monday, April 20, 2009

Just plain miss you.......

James. I miss you.
Heard a song that of course reminded me of you.
and then I thought that I need to speak to you.
And it kills me. and then the missing you came.
the sick pains. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
~Love,
Kamela

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Thoughts....

~You have been the closest thing to a perfect soul that I have known.
Never self-fish. Never waivering. Only offering what you could, when it
was sincere.

Just wanted to say it again~

~Kamela

Monday, April 6, 2009

Miss you...

I miss you so much and I need someone to talk.
My heart is heavy with thoughts.
God, this cannot be happening.
James, why are you not here???
Why did this have to happen to you?
Of all the people in my life you have been a
staple for 11 years. You were one
of the few things I did not want to live
without and look here is it.
What are the chances that life just
doesn't work out either way?!?!!?

I miss you dearly...
~Kamela

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

...............

James.

* :) <3

Always!!!!!!

~Kamela

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Call me...

So I've been doing something really funny as of late.
I've got some new music. Just some stuff I've run into
from here and there. And I love them, these new songs.
And I'm really excited about them. So I've been trying to get
people to listen to my new found songs and have them feel
the pain, feel the words, feel the strings, the piano, the voice.
But no one seems to bother with me. They think I've got too much
time on my hands, now that I'm unemployed. Then on the train the
other day, the thought slapped my in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James. I've turned into you!!!!!!!!! It was the funniest thing that has
happened in a long time. Then I thought of you. I thought of how much
you wanted me and I'm sure many others to listen, just to sit and share a moment
with you. You wanted to share this passion you had at a particular moment.
I recall the hours of "torture", I used to call them.

So call me now, and play something sweet....

~Kamela

Monday, March 9, 2009

Heaven...

James, James, James.
Surreal. The time has gone
by as it should, as it must.
But you, are never far from my thoughts.
The pain in my heart has not eased one ounce.
But has gotten heavier. I think about you watching over us.
From heaven...

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please

Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven"

I miss you.
~Kamela

Thursday, February 19, 2009

6:21

I dreamt of you early this morning.
Your entire family was there.
And you were 23 again.
Your face was beautiful.
Your cheeks were flush.
Your eyes, the bluest ever.
Your voice the same.
It resonated in my head and heart.
Zaida was there.
Grandma was there, too.
I remember seeing Jenny, she
was young as when I met her,
19 or so. Uncle Mike. Your Mom.
It was a serious conversation.
We were all talking about something
serious. It was about you. You weren't
well. And we were trying to figure things out.
You started to cry. You buried you face in your hands
as you sometimes did, when things were too much for you.
But for the most part you were strong, as you always were.
Your voice was strong. It was the one I remember.
You wore a pink oxford shirt and jeans, and those Eastland shoes.
I started to cry. I could feel your presence in my room. It was so
strong. It was you comforting me. The room was warm and comfortable.
I cried and woke up and cried some more and looked at my cell phone for the
time. I knew, I knew, I knew, what time is was going to be...
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
It was definitely you...

~Love,
Kamela

Monday, February 16, 2009

.........

It's February 16th.
I'm looking at this page.
This page...
is all that is left.
It's not enough.
You were always too much.
Excess...
My memories are not enough.
The letters are not enough.
The photographs are not enough.
My box full of memories are NOT enough!!
I can't call you.
I can't.
I have to get over with the grieving.
Period.

The grief is too much.
How could this be this way for someone so
sweet.
Full of sweetness. Giving only sweetness.
I know. I know. I know.
I have to stop.

Ok. :/

Goodness, my angel~~
Kamela

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

MAXWELL...

~You have more often, than often been on my mind.
I dreamt of you last night.
I don't remember the exacts about the dream, but it was a good one.
Cause I didn't wake up drenched in tears or sweat.
I had to go get a root canal done today.
I was petrified. I really, really don't like going to the dentist.
More than usual people. lol.
The last time, I was sitting in the chair, very uncomfortable,
especially because the last time the dentist was playing
a Shakira video on youtube, "Hips don't lie", and he was
intently watching her shake her hips, and it was making me very
uncomfortable, lol. And earlier he made a comment on how pretty I was.
I know you would have kicked his butt!! lol
But today he had a jazz station on,
and Maxwell came on. Out of nowhere!!
And I know it was you.
I know that it was you trying to make me feel comfortable.
You always made sure I was ok, always.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always. Always. Always.~
~Kamela

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Pandora.com...

So I've discovered Pandora.com.
You'd looooove it!
So you type in an artist,
of course I typed Maxwell...<3
and they play all the songs in that
genre.
It played the same playlist I have on my IPOD! lol.
Maxwell, D'angelo, Jill Scott, Robin Thicke, Tamia, John Lengend...
then came the waterworks.
It's really damn annoying. Normal people don't walk around
crying, the way I do. I guess it's my 'Symptom Unknown'.

On the other hand as annoying as it is, don't want the norm
to be nothing, I always want to feel something.
to be that tortured soul. It's the "cool thing" anyway, right!??!
That's how the good writing comes...

Always,
~Kamela

Monday, February 9, 2009

Damn Writing Class...

Hey Buddy

So, just wanted to say hello.
Just a quick one. lol. 2009 has
been a challenging one already.
Just need to talk, you always
had an optimist or silly outlook on life.
Which I miss.

So I'm taking this essay workshop class.
and we had to do an exercise and answer
some questions, one was : describe a you've known
for a long time but haven't seen in a long time.
I thought and thought, I can't think of anyone.
I don't let people in,yet long enough to keep them in
my life. They usually end up disappointing.

I've known you for the longest.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yet, you have always one of two of my "friends" that
I've kept the closest.
Even over the years. It may have appeared to be weird to others, but
it suited us well.
I remember everything about you.
I remember your the craziness that encapsulated your world.
I remember the complexity of the simpleness that surrounded us.
It was simple, there was no getting rid of me.
There was no getting rid of you.
Everyone else would have to understand that, figure it out, or ignore it.
I spent too long of time on this question, then when the thoughts became to
much and the room was hot and the cryball in my throat was growing, I knew it was gonna
embarrass me, I tried to think of someone else.

I tried to think of someone else.
Someone, who I haven't seen in a while, who I hold important to me. That breatheless
kind of importance, I speak to often, see often.
But after you leaving, I hold everyone I love in my life closer to me.
you would be proud.

I don't know anyone else.
I am not old enough to have old friends.
I am not old enough to have friends and keepsakes that die.
I am not old enough to deal with the 5 stages.
I am not ready to lose what I just learned that I didn't want to live my life without.
I'd take it in any shape/form.

So I ended up writing.
James.
Neurotic. Comfortable. Chicken cutlets. Obsessive bathroom cleaning. Bluest eyes. Recited stats about
Satchel Paige and made you remember them. Telling me how old school I was b/c I was still using tokens
and hadn't yet gotten on the metrocard bandwagon. The napkin writings. Believe or not they actually hold up
after many years. Missed.

So this class is gonna be the "death" of me this semester. and I think I wanted that. I guess this is my way of forcing myself
to finally start dealing with the tragedies in my life, my way.

But we're good, right???

Always,
Kamela

Monday, February 2, 2009

...

So, the Steelers won. lol.
I watched the game it was totally awesome.
You'd be proud of me.
In a room full of people, cheering and yelling
thoughts of you seeped through.
How, this is the first one you would miss
miss
miss
miss.
I thought of you today.
I spoke of you to Chris.
I'm never sure of how much I of my feelings
I can reveal to him or others.
Not sure.

The jersey.
The stories of games past.
The love of everything about Superbowl Sunday.

It's been tough.
oxoxoxo
~Kamela

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