Dear Friend,
It just occurred to me that I have waited soooo long for the new Maxwell CD to drop and
I am probably the only Maxwell lover who hasn't bought, it downloaded it,
or forced one of their friends to make a copy of the CD for them. I am scared, as silly as it
sounds. Maxwell, was what I shared with you, although you called him gay because I drooled
over him, and you hated any attention that wasn't solely your attention. But I know you would
sit in your apt and play it over and over just like I did. It does make me a little nervous when
I think of getting it, I don't want to willfully remind myself that I can't call you and that you aren't
train ride away. I will surely let you know when I do purchase the CD and you'll definitely know
when I have listened to it and cried my eyes out. I remember listening to Urban Hang Suite and
NOW so many times I burnt the CD out until it couldn't play in my CD player anymore and I had to
buy new CDs!! =)
That last thing I wrote to you about being at peace that was a momentary thing.
The peace I think that was, was me not making myself ill about missing you.
But to accept that what happened last year happened, still stings
Kamela
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I haven't yet...
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thought of You....
I am at peace.
I still think of you often.
I have loved you.
And you have made me smile
and continue to make me smile
you give me private moments where
I can have a secretly smile and no
one is the wiser.
For that alone I am thankful.
I do miss you.
I am at peace.
I can think of you, still be a little
sick in my stomach, I can relate to those
pains now, but they don't keep me up at night
anymore.
Oh, James, you are great.
Have always thought so.
Just wanted to write to you
because I am moved by you at this moment.
I can't call you when I think of you,
but I can stop and come here and release my
thoughts into the comic world and know you got it.
~Love you James Shawn Agostini <3
Kamela
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Gone Too Soon...
James,
I cried when I heard this song and thought of you...
it left me breathless...
Gone Too Soon
Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon
Love Always,
Kamela
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Maxwell....
The world keeps changing and moving and growing.
It would definitely be a better place if you were still in it.
Maxwell's long awaited new album is about to drop!!!
I cannot believe it! Finally!!
I remember not really liking Fortunate. HA!
Now, it takes my breath away....miss you.
Who will I have if not you to call and sob about it to???
Maybe I need to do this one on my own, huh?
I get it!
I've done alot this year I thought I couldn't and always
had you in the back of my mind telling me that "I could"
Thank you for all my Maxwell memories.
If you thought he made you cry before!!!!
you have no idea what's ahead!! lol
oxoxoxo
Kamela
Friday, June 26, 2009
Jordyn is her Name!
Okay James, All those times you were in my dreams and giving me hints of a little boy, You were wrong I’m having a little girl. You will never believe this. But one night Carlos and I were thinking of names, this was way before we found out the sex of the baby. He was like if it’s a girl lets name her “
I saw Jordyn last week on your Birthday. Jen & Her had a wonderful gathering upstate to honor you. It was wonderful, of course the food was GOOD. We had fun! It was raining like crazy but that didn’t stop me from going. Jordyn is Beautiful James. I'm just waiting for that dream when you say to me “My daughter looks better than yours” or “Punk Bitch why you trying to be like me, There’s only one Jordyn” LMAO!!! I just could imagine the crazy things that would have came out your mouth.
I saw the twins, zaida , jack and veronica, Rayn (The Beatles you use to call him), your mom, etc. so special! A wonderful moment. I must say that you build us to become close and never to forget one another. You really glue us all together. That’s Amazing! You love runs Deep!
***Manta***
James & Michael
Oh man! I know that you are crying your heart out James. But I couldn't help but to laugh last night because I remember you called me out of the blue and was like “ Yo son, guess what.? Michael Jackson ----” I was like what are you serious, stop playing. Then you starting laughing and said “ SIKE, you are a burger, you believed me” You really was laughing so hard that I couldn’t do nothing but laugh. I mean it’s not a funny matter at the moment, but for those you really know you knows laugher was a way to ease the pain of anything that was going on. James you Joke about everything. lol
Your love for Michael Jackson was so strong. I remember you had me watching all his videos one night and every time you saw that I was falling a sleep you will be like “Fuck that we watching it again because you didn’t see that part your eyes were close” In the middle of watching the video out of no where you started crying, I was like “WHAT THE HECK” You responded “ I don’t know why that happen to his skin he was so cute when he was brown. You argued with me that Michael had some type of skin problem. I didn't say anything more you were so emotional and serious. You really was crying. Your love for MJ was serious.
I wonder how you are going to greet Michael Jackson when you met him. Are you going to write him love poems? are you going to tell him that you are the biggest fan? Maybe Ya’ll will make music together. Michael is in for a nice treat when ya’ll met and greet. Just don’t put him to sleep with the long stories. I know that you are going to tell him about the Red Sox over and over again. You are up there with all your peoples, Biggie, Tu-Pac, MJ, Luther, Sam Cooke, Bob Marley etc. You are around the music greatest, I wonder what it is like for you? of Course peaceful, Hmm I just wonder....
***Manta***
................
Thank you for torturing me for hours upon hours of Michael Jackson!!
Through you I knew him better and saw inside both your worlds!
Thank you.
The sky filled with stars....
Love you James.
Kamela
Thursday, June 25, 2009
it's true, he's gone.
i wonder if you will be waiting for him.
if you will see michael jackson
on the other side.
how many nights you played the jackson 5 live for me,
the one where they recorded at home,
where they used household pots, pans utensils
and we would sit silent, listening to it over and over,
amazed at how talented this young man was.
i see your face, james.
i see you in shock.
im waiting for your call that won't ever come.
my heart is in my stomach.
i miss you.
--
Zaida
blog | twitter
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Happy birthday
Friday, June 12, 2009
A year...
Dude, I don't know what is going on with all the dreams!!
Why do I keep dreaming of you?
It doesn't make me happy. They make me feel worse
and I can't take the constant pain.
Maybe if I kept much more busy, the way you
did, I'd be to tired to dream. Or too busy to think.
Or if I was filled with other thoughts and ideas to think
of you being missing. I know I use words like,
"gone" "missing" "not here". I haven't used the adult
real words out loud for what happened. Can't accept it.
When you do cross my mind, I think yeah, he's on vaca
in Cali or Florida or London or some other place.
I also dreamt of Jordyn this morning, of when she was
about three and she came to my house and fell in love with
my stepper machine. And she spent the entire day stepping.
Then we colored. I still have those coloring pages. I found them
a couple of weeks ago. It's sweet.
I guess there is so much on my mind, so much left to talk about
so much history and a year of you not here won't make things ok.
A year won't ease the pain. A year won't make the heart ache go away.
A year just won't do it.
OXOXO,
Kamela
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Miss you...
I woke up with that same ache in my heart.
Time does not heal heartache.
It does not diminish the pain or soak up the tears.
The dreams are always real and the pain that follows
chokes me.
I dreamt of you last night and it was the same.
You were gone and yet you were not and I wanted
you back here in the present.
I couldn't sleep last night. Woke up with pains in
my heart. It just not fair.
I miss you.
Kamela
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
You Are Invited - Remembering James
If you are reading this post, then you probably love James as much as we do. His sister, Jenny, and her family will be having a party to Remember James on June 20th at 2pm at her home. Jenny has asked me to post the evite here because she does not have everyones emails or phone numbers. She asked that this be forwarded so that everyone who knew and loved James get this invitation.
Please RSVP to the evite if you are able to make it, and please pass it along to anyone would like to join the festivities as we celebrate the life of our Dearest James.
All of the contact info for the party are on the evite. Please forward this invite on.
We hope to see you there.
Love,
Zaida, Daniel, Ryan and our new twins - Gabriel & Stella
Friday, May 29, 2009
Still in my heart
I thought...
May 29, 2009........I set a reminder on my phone a while ago, and forgot about it,
though I didn't need reminding, who does?!?!?
I couldn't get to sleep last night...
Today feels somber.
Feels lonesome.
I was making ice tea and went to check my phone to
see if I had any missed calls.
I saw your name, (but it was my calendar reminder)
and that was the most bitter sweet moment.
For the quickest second I thought that I had a missed call from
you. My heart was the happiest for a moment. I felt it actually stop.
I thought you were at work and you called me to annoy me
cuz you were bored. I thought you heard new song and wanted me to listen to
it. I thought you were calling to have me meet you for lunch.
I thought you saw a HOT girl and wanted to call and tell me how gorgeous she is.
I thought something reminded you of an old friend and you
decided to say hello.
I thought you thought of me.
I thought you decided to call me.
I wish any of these were true.
Just me wishing too hard.
Hearts.....
Kamela
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Memorial Day...
James,
I know I sound repetitive.
But you were are still so very important to me.
It hurts so badly that you are not here.
I don't know what to do with my thoughts,
feelings and emotions sometimes.
Yesterday I went bike riding.
I know that you and my sister used to go.
And that would have been a nice and safe
thing for us to do together.
I thought of you all day as I was trying not to
get caught between a bus and a car the way you did
last year. And I laughed at how mad you were when
your bike was stolen right out side of the Law Dept.
the first day after you bought it.
A butterfly floated around my head yesterday.
I knew it was you. It was pretty. Yellow and black. It was busy.
It moved like you do or rather like you did. Busy never constant.
I miss you.
I still feel this can't be true and you've moved away like the two times you said you
were gonna. I was sad then and for a quick moment felt lost.
Never thought that moment would be come, nevertheless be
a staple emotion in my life, in a life that should be certain
at this point.
I know now that nothing is certain, even with my dad's passing,
I thought it as a process of life. But you not in a million years.
I would ask God to return if I knew it was possible because we all
miss you dearly. I miss you dearly. And I will continue to write and
sound redundant because I know I can come here and have a place
to put these lost feelings to rest with you. I know that the feelings are
redundant but I feel them strongly like I feel others and I have no one
who would really know I how I feel. So I hope you don't mind me thinking
them and talking to you and saying the same things over and over....
I miss you. You infinitely are important to me with every step I take.
I think of you fondly. Often. I smile and miss you.
I miss your antics and conspiracy plans...lol
Sweet James...
~Kamela
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
............
I felt myself lose my breath a lot today and the day isn't even over yet.
I got really mad at you today when I was walking to the bank.
I even cussed you a little, and no I still don't cuss, but just rant and rave.
I call you to walk with me when I need a friend. And I needed you today!
I needed you, I still do.
The next few days will be difficult, as I just thought about it.
About why I feel sadder today. Everyone has that same one wish,
to have one moment back, to turn back time, to be granted just one,
only one wish.
To be at a certain place, just one more time.
To see a particular face one more time.
To say the most meaningful words because you knew it was your last
chance.
I am glad to said my words.
But I'd love to see your face again.
I would love to talk to you again, though your voice will be forever ingrained
in my mind.
To sit across from you, and share the same space.
To share the same air.
I miss you so very very much.
~Kamela
Monday, May 18, 2009
Stressed Out!
I thought about you this weekend a lot. Just thinking if you where still here I will have nothing but laughter here at work. I never been so stressed like this before. But I know what you would say. You would tell me “FUCKED THAT BITCH ASS…” Love you James!
*** Manfa***
Dreams...
My Dear Friend,
There is so much that I miss you for.
I miss my friend, my dear, dear, dear
friend. There are days that I wondered
how did I get by with you gone. I had a
dream the other night. I dreamed that I had died
and you were still here. That I tried calling you on
the phone. It rang. You picked it up. But there was
no answer. You knew it was me. And I was watching
you, as you answered the phone and you felt sad b/c you
knew it was me and you couldn't speak to me. It the way I
(we) feel now. But you went on with you day like you always do.
But you paused and thought of me. And that made me feel so good.
So right now I willingly pause and remember you, instead of thoughts and
memories catching me off guard. I pause and remember you. The sweet,
good, funny, hopeful you. The you that in these last years went for your dreams
and gave it a chance, no matter the outcome. You did it. I pause and think
of the smiles you gave and created and the lives you have changed for all of our
lives. I pause and think of the moments this past week when your thoughts came
through my brother and sister's mouth and we looked at each other thinking,
"That was sooooo James!!!" and laughter followed...
I love when I dream of you because these dreams are so
rich and seem so real and for few moments caught between waking and
sleepiness and those always feel so real.
I miss you, my dear friend. At times the pain loneliness of you in particular
not being here is palpable. You will always indefinitely been where you have
always been, in my heart...
Love,
~Kamela
