My Tenderoni....lol

Tenderoni:  is a slang terminology which refers to a younger male or female love interest or someone too young to talk to or become involved with. It is composed of "tender", which is a synonym for young and "roni" which usually serves as an affectionate diminutive towards a male or female. It denotes your younger sweetheart, your younger better half, your younger boyfriend/girlfriend.


James you were the One!  The only guy I know who ever talked
about a "tenderoni". Guys nowadays don't talk about love,
being in love, being in love with a "lady".
If James called you his lady, you were pretty lucky.
No guy brings you flowers bc they want to.
Guys don't think about you when they see something
that reminds them of you and someone else would deems insignificant.
Love means not much these days.
It's an inconvenience, a hassle, no one feels anything any more
bc they are afraid to get hurt.
getting hurt is part of it. 
A brokenheart...no one goes looking for one,
but to not love bc your afraid, please!
To feel love grow inside you, to hold it,
have it hold you. That's the best!!

For James, for back in the day...wish you were here...you make me smile...
over and over again! Thank you...

"The truth about Roni, she's a sweet little girl
You could treat her real nice and hold her tight
Only tender ronis can give special love
A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love

My heart (ouh) belongs to tender roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart, baby)
My heart (Yeah) belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's always on the phone
Talkin' to her homeboy, wishin' they were home alone, ooh
She send you lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
This is what a real tender roni likes to do to you

And if you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wild world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only lover)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love"

Bobby Brown...

For all the loves of James' life...all the woman in his life...


--
~Kamela

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Playlist...

Stevie is about love.

Overjoyed was I when we could, would talk.

Speak about this and that, them, him and her,

and everything in between.

Marvin is soulful.

James you physically made (lol) me sit and listen to so many,

many songs!!!

When you made me listen to "The Star Spangle Banner",

and Marvin sang it, wow

was I in love. I never knew a song like that

could be so soulful.

Thankyou, James.

Michael is vulnerable.  You felt his pain when he sang.

You allowed us to be vulnerable in our quiet times.

George has the voice to die for according to you. lol

You, you can make a girl spend four hours on the phone, breakin dawn....

Sam is the orginal, THE original. The first footprint in the sand.

You, my dear James, have left the deepest footprints in hearts, in my heart.

Let's not forget..

New Edition, omgosh!! Pioneers in their time, and the dancing!!!

James, I'm telling you, you should have been in the group!!  I think

you thought you had the moves.  Your were too much, especially the

spin!!!

Maxwell, well I had to through him in just because...no reason needed.

I remember when you took me to the concert.

That was one of those "moments" I will never forget.  We sang.

We cried. We were part of the making of a legend!!!

 

Had it not been for you, I wouldn't know them the way you did.

I see them through your eyes.  They're in my playlist, before, now and

always.

 

James, you spent your days living in these lyrics.

Living the love, showing people how to love.  Showing

us how to live.  Thank you for your love. Without a doubt

we knew we were, I knew I was loved.

 

Love You!

~Kamela

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Miss You Dearly

I dreamt of you last night.

These past two days have been really difficult.

I felt you alot. I felt you very near to me.

It's choking me.

The dream last night was so real. I felt the hurt.

I felt the tears. I felt the fear.

But..

You always made me smile.

You always knew how.

The littlest things you did brought joy to me.

My most favorite gift you gave me was the

goofy keychain.  I remember when you gave it

to me.  It out the biggest smile on my face and

warmed my heart and still does to this day.

   God...I can't do this...

I feel so empty.

To have you here.

To have you call me and say hi.

To tell me about one of the crazy women in your life.

lol. you had some drama. lol.

Just to talk. To hear your voice.

To hear you smile on the other line.

I could hear the feelings on your face always

when we spoke. You'd tried to be cool and

act like you don't care but I knew...I knew it all.

  I cannot make any sense of this.

you not here, it doesn't feel right. This is not the

way it was suppose to be.  You were suppose to

help me look for an apartment. You promised you

would help me. You promised me.

Sometimes, times like now, I feel like I'm going insane!!

You knew. You knew me.

You knew when to call me. Cuz I needed to hear your

voice but was too proud to call. You knew and You still

know. And so do I...

 

~Love You Always and Forever

  Kamela

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James and the giant peach fuzz!!

I remember long ago, when

James and I worked together,

it's actually where we met.

All the ladies loved him ofcourse.

He was very sweet with his words

and would make any women feel beauitful.

Well, one day he told me that he was going to

get a haircut. I was like ok.

I was the first one to get to work.

Then he got there about two hours later.

When I saw him, my mouth dropped to the floor!!!

His hair cut was the most awful thing I've ever seen!!

It was cut down soooo low. It just look like peach fuzz!!

And ya'll know with that head and those big ears, it was

pretty bad!!! 

When he saw the look on my face, he got so embarassed,

he went upto the breakroom and wouldn't come down.

Oh my goodness! It was so bad that I told not to ever

get a haircut with me!!!! 

Now I'll have to do alot with him...

It feels weird bc I didn't realize how much

he was in my life, even when he wasn't, he was.

 

LFAAD

~Kamela

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The Wedding!

Oh My! It was bitter but sooo sweet.. Bitter because James wasn’t there physically sooo sweet because Zadia & Daniel are married and sooo happy. I know you were looking down on this one James. Oh my! They took it way back with the ole sckol candy, I was hype. The cameras with the “Jamesism” statements was FUNNY! James I wish so much that your were there. It was beautiful and fun.

 

I wanted to cry soon as I saw Zadia. I’m sure we all felt the same way. Your family was there, Jack is crazy, he reminds me of you James. Your sister had me laughing so hard, Veronica had me laughing as well. What had me really cracking up is your mom, on my way out she had me laughing, I didn’t want to leave.

 

It was wonderful sharing thoughts and memories about you with people who love you will always will. We had a good time. I was feeling “NIZCE” as you and Toni will say.

 

To Zadia & Daniel, Carlos and I aren’t Jewish but please believe we went home saying “I want a wedding like that” LOL It was really beautiful and creative. I LOVED IT.

 

**Manta**

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The Wedding

Hey buddy,

I finally met Zaida at her wedding it was wonderful and I know you would have been very proud of her and Daniel.

You spoke about her so much when you were here I felt like I had already knew her.

The wedding was wonderful and she looked beautiful. I wish you could have been there to see her.

But I'm sure you were there. It was a really beautiful day the weather was perfect. It couldn't have been more perfect.

I was thinking about you the entire time, what you would have done and the jokes would probably would have made lol

I had such a great time seeing everyone again, your mom, brother, sister and Veronica

All I kept thinking was how you brought all of the people you love and care about together.

I also kept thinking a few months from now that would have been you and Veronica

I guess that why I miss you even more.

Love always James

 

Erin

 

 

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Sunday September 07, 2008

It's funny because on Sunday morning I had a similar dream.

I dreamt you were alive and you had tears in your eyes.

You were happy to be back.

You said that you had to let us know why you went away,

and that you missed us.  But you had to leave again...

I cried and cried. I woke up crying....But it felt good

b/c I haven't dreamt of you in a while....Then I

had to go for a run and I talked to you the entire way....

 

It's weird how your presence is so strong.

How we all feel you and you talk to you,

how could you not, that's all you ever did,

talk..talk...talk...talk....

sometimes I felt like saying "James, shut Up!!!"

I think I told you to a couple of times...

you didn't handle it very well lol!!

 

Last night your girl did it!!

And you were there!! I know it!

I felt it!

Jenny kept saying the funniest "Jamesisms"

OMGosh it was scary!!! it was like she had an '

outter body experience. it was strange!!!

but it was so beautiful they even danced!!

There was so much love, loves from the past,

loves from the present, and we were all

brought together by you!

Zaida, she was beautiful. And she was Happy!

And I know you were the one messin with the dogs!!

lol!!

Love You!!! 
~Kamela

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Dreaming of you

I dreamt about you this last weekend, I would dream about you all the time but for some reason this one was different

I can't explain it but I just know it was different. Normally, when I would dream about you it would be very hazy and foggy and I can't remember much I would wake up sad and just cry. However, this time everything was clear, every detail to what you were wearing and every gesture you made this time I remembered what you said to me.

You had on the brown corduroy pants you always wear with your strip sweater. I know its crazy right.

The few times dreamt about you, you normally wouldn't say anything to me you would just look at me, or when you did I wouldn't remember what it is that you had said to me.  Although, you didn't say much in this dream, you said enough and I understood.

In this dream everyone was at work standing by your desk, and as usual I'm was the last one to know what was is going on lol. In the dream it felt as though you were waiting for me to come, when I walk toward you, I kept saying to myself  out loud in the dream, this is a dream, this is a dream. Then you said to me come here and I said no I started backing away, then you said come here again which I did, and you hugged me which felt so, so real, and then you whispered my ear something that made me laugh, to which I said get out of here. After you hugged me you slowly back away and I mouthed to Toni, I'm happy you are alive but I mad at you for doing that to us. Even you little brother Jack was in on it. You went to go hugged Sammy but she wouldn't let you her back was toward you but you hugged her anyway, she was mad at you not sure why.  I said to everyone oh my god who is going to tell Zaida you are alive the wedding is at the end of the week, I know that is some crazy dream right.  You stood there for a  little while look at everyone then look at me and I look up at you and just like in the movies there was a twinkle star in your eyes, and then you started walking away, everyone was so busy talking because they were so happy they didn't notice you were leaving, you went around the corner and I woke up. Normally I would wake up sad, but this time I actually woke smiling because I remembered what you whispered to me. For the first time in three months since you've been gone and dreaming about you I didn't wake up crying or sad,  I did cry a little because I still miss you but it wasn't tears of sadness it because I knew I had to let you go and I didn't want too. And also I knew you are taking care of all of us one person at a time like you always did when you were here. I woke up feeling so at peace, and I knew right then that in order for me to get use to you not being in my life I had to let you go.

 

I love you James aka big head

love always

Erin

 

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hi buddy,

youve been hanging out in my dreams most every night the last two weeks - some were good, some were scary, one i was yelling at  you to "just take care of it!" and you said something stern and slammed the phone down then the doctor gave us some insane news the next morning.  last night was the strangest of them all - i dreamt that you were dead in your casket which i kept in my living room.  and that your family came to see me and i put pillows on it so they would have somewhere to sit (!!!)  and your mom was helping me clean like you used to every time you came over.  she was sweeping and mopping and doing dishes, and jack accidentally hit the casket and it fell and i tried to raise your body and your head almost fell off.  except you werent a real body it was like a wax figure of you in the casket but this time you didnt look like you were 50 like you did at your funeral - you were young, and had pink rosy cheeks and red lips.  you were gorgeous, like always, as usual.

ive been hella nervous and have been talking to you daily and you have been with me almost every night so thank you.

you even inspired me to start blogging again, for real this time, like back in the day, when you refused to read my stories because like you used to say

i live this shit - i dont need another fucking recap!

i love you james,

xxzaidaxx

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Smiles All around...

I went about my day today.

I missed you.

I thought of you and smiled,

got choked up and miss you some more.

I sooo need to speak with you.

What can I do?? What do I do now??

So much has happened...

So much to tell...

So much to share...

Smiles to give and receive...

But you know what you took your share...

and gave some back...

Love you... 
~Kamela

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over my shoulder

i felt you sitting next to me today, as i sat on the sofa, putting together some of our favors, trying to wrap and tie on tags and stick on labels just right.

i heard you asking me about the jewish traditions, asking to explain what i am just learning myself, what it all means,  you saying, wow, that's really nice, zaida.  make sure to keep those chocolate coffee beans away from the kids. you know they'll think it's raisinettes or some shit.

today we needed to figure out who was going to read the ketubah during the ceremony, and all i kept saying was it's supposed to be you, fucker. 

and both you and ryan said to ask my aunt, so i did and she accepted.

i know it's my voice in my head and i just put your name on it. 

but it sounds like you
and it's funny like you
and it makes no sense like you, sometimes

and so my head says it's not you - it's my mindfuck, but my spirit looks over my shoulder and says,

yes, james.

and im okay with this.

xxzaidaxx

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Another has gone to Heaven......

It is done!

I have buried another friend, another being

for whom I am grateful to know and love.
I pray to God that this is the last friend/loved

one that I bury until I am old and gray.

I have cried so much.

I have watched two mothers bury their children.

God, what has this world come to?

Where are we going????

This is not right.

This is not how it should be!!!

My head is so heavy from grief, I cannot

see my steps.

I am tired. I am weary.

I cannot sleep.

I cannot eat.

I cannot breathe.

I loved life, but now I am afraid.

Afraid to love.

Afraid to find.

Afraid to reach.

I can't..............

no more...........

~Kamela

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Just miss you...

I was just beginning to get a little ok,

with all that's happened with you recently.

My mind was at ease little, and I wasn't

crying as much...

I missed you just the same but it wasn't

as bad a months gone...

Then last night I came home and my mom

and Kim told me about a childhood friend

who was killed in a car accident on Saturday

morning at six a.m.

I am right back where I started....

God, how can this be happening?????

I am at a lost, once again.

 

I dreamt of you last night.

It was Zaida's wedding and

everyone was there. All your fam

and Jordyn, and I was there

and YOU, YOU were there.

I was sooo happy to see and you sat

next to me and it was nothing had

changed.  Still your same ole self.

I was such a great drem.

I woke up crying. I tried to walk to the bathroom,

and couldn't I stayed in bed and cried...

God, I miss you so much, it hurts to breathe...

 

Love you, Miss you,

~Kamela

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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where do i begin

and when does it end?

now, right this second, im crying for you.  dripping, snotting, hands shaking as my keyboard bounces.  i can no longer hold back the tears today.  ive tried to be strong, and not let it all get to me.  ive tried to remember every.single.thing. you have told me all these years when i feel frustrated, defeated, angry, resentful. 

"dont worry about that shit, zaida" you would say.

what i wouldnt do to hear your voice again, you have no idea.

i imagine your bear hugs, and me sobbing in your chest. 

i imagine you wiping my tears, and then putting your finger on my chest, pointing out the non-existent stain just so you can flick my nostril and then laugh while i looked confused and played all in a millisecond and then you telling me that i fall for it each time.

"you'd think you'd know by now" you would say.

i want to hear you say

dont worry.
it will all work out.
that's nothing.
it's not that big a deal.
you think that's bad?  there was this one time...
it will be fine, just wait.  you'll see.
tell me what you need me to do.

i see your face when you said these things to me
i hear the inflection in your voice
see the light in your eyes
see that concerned look turn into a devilish grin when you've hatched a plan
then remember how quickly you made me laugh to distract me

i feel selfish
i want you to rescue me, like always.
this is what best friends do.

but now it's up to me to rescue myself.

it's lonely without you.  extremely lonely, james.

it's supposed to get easier, people say.

that's fucking bullshit.  it's a fucking lie. 

it doesnt get easier.  you just remember less.

lose someone you would die for,
right when his life was *really* just beginning,
then give some decent advice, fucking dickwads.

xxzaidaxx

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James-ism...

 Some of the James-ism I've heard and thought to myself what the hell does that mean

but to him they meant something, and they were really funny.

 

"Come over I'll cook you something"

 

'Stop being a punk bitch"

 

'Zagga Zaug' (If some almost trip and fell he would say that)

 

'I love you, you my bitch" (His way of saying he loves you)

 

'I'll give these four up just for you" (If you are walking with him and he saw a cute girl)

 

"I hope she get gonorrhea"

 

"Yo did you eat a fart sandwich"

 

"Come with me to get a bagel & lock" (One of his favorite thing to eat)

 

"Come with me to get a coffee"

 

"What are we having for lunch you buying lunch today"

 

I know there is a whole lot more but these are the ones I can think of right now

As I'm writing I can't help but laugh. He was so funny.

 

Erin

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Your Guiding Force Never Ends

Dearest James,

Sunday was an awful day. But when I finally fell asleep, you were in my dream! If i close my eyes i can still see you now. you havent come to my dreams in so long, i hadnt been so happy as i was dreaming that night.

I walked into the bright ass sunny room with all white walls and there you were sitting in the chair with your legs spread wide and that cocky look on your face. you had been waiting for us. busting at the seams, i could tell.

I ran over to you and jumped on your lap and you had that giddy stupid grin that was so endearing. I kissed you right on the mouth in front of daniel, too. And you said "ZAYduh!! c'mon, daniel's right there!" and i said I DONT CARE I MISSED YOUUUU. and we laughed until tears came down. and then you said "stop being sucha cock."

you were moving in with us or we were moving in with you. we were all together at once, deciding who was going to take which room. and you wanted the living room for all the company you said you were going to have, and i finally believed you. and we built a fake wall to close off the living room and that place is so white and so bright it was blinding. everything was white even the furniture and i thought shit if we are living together i can never read a newspaper in this motherfucker god knows about the "finger prints" and how "dirty papers are," and whatever, i told you.

anyway it was the longest dream and you stayed with me until i woke up and looked out the window when i opened my eyes and there wasnt a cloud in the sky. not one. perfectly blue and clear.

and i did what you told me to do.

thank you!
thank you!!
thank you!!!

xxzaidaxx

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My Dearest James...

Usually when I write it makes me feel better.

It releases tension and allow my thoughts to

flow uninterrupted and free.

I thought blogging

here would help and allow the thoughts you

being gone to sink in and sit well with me or

just have me accept it, deal with the grief.

But this isn't helping. 

Nothing works.  It just hurts like hell.

God, I need to be numb for a while

and just not feel anything

It's like I'm up, I'm down,

I'm still, I'm all over the place.

I can't sit still.

The one thing that I do feel when I write here,

I feel closer to you.  But it's not the same...

of course how could it be????

How could it be this way????

LFAND
~Kamela

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A Conversation to last a lifetime...

I recall the last time we spoke.

It was May 21, 2008.

My mom was watching American Idol

and George Michael was on.

I automatically thought of you.

And I remembered a text you sent

me a few days before.

You always sent me random texts.

It was nice.

You asked me "who's voice was your

most favorite??

I sent a smugged reply back. I thought it

was pretty funny!!!

Then maybe an hour later, you texted

"George Michael" I was like "ofcourse!!"

So when I saw him performing I had to call.

So I did, and you were very happy that I called

and told you. You were surprised...

You mentioned that you were happy that I

warned you, cuz you knew Uncle Michael was

gonna soon call you too, and you would have

a good comeback for him. I laughed.

We hung up then you called me back later that evening

and we spoke for quite some time, at least two hours.

That was one thing we knew how to do, talk.

 

I am so glad that I got a chance to speak with you

for such a long time.

I am glad that we spoke and we laughed and

we were happy. I am glad that I called you that

night...

 

Love 
~Kamela

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James-isms

I don't really know any of his "James-isms."

With me, he was always sweet.

He was always being charming,

tryin to flex and being cute.

He always spoke fondly of the people in

his life, even when they pissed him off.

With me his "James-isms" was poetry,

and reciting songs.

When we were around each other, I got

"the romantic, suave James" LOL.

(but I guess so did all the girls) :).....

The pouty pink lips, always tryin to make

a move.lol. And the "look into my eyes..."

thinking back, he was soooooo chessey!!!

but that's who he is, was.

I have to catch myself many times, using the

present tense. When I do, it's like crazy.

I miss him soooo much. I've been quite

angry lately.  It's frustrating. Having all the

" Woulds,Coulda, Shoulda" thoughts.

 

Many times I wish I knew the" James"

that he was around his boys and friends.

I always had the pensive, careful, caring

James. Sometimes I would have just love

to fight with him, but I always seem to

easily hurt his feelings, without even trying.

 

James always took life as it came.

I should too. He never quite stopped

for any one reason. Always kept it moving.

I wondered how he could be so strong.....

 

I am happy we can all share our lives

with you, through each other.

I am happy we can learn something

new, and recall something old.

I am happy we can rekindle

memories, and feel them again,

taste them again, smell them again,

live them again...

 

Love
~Kamela

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Hazelnut Coffee...

I am sorry.

I am sorry

that I could not help.

Was there anything

that I could have done???

To keep you here,

in the present, and not the

past where you lay, where

you kept yourself for so long.

What was it about the "good ole"

days you've loved so much, love, love, love...

To be loved by you,

was an event.

You shouted about love,

you threw yourself against love.

You threw yourself away from

love.  To hide. To conceal.

To love only for that moment

and hold onto that for as long as

you could, until YOU needed another fix.

Speaking of a fix...my fix nowadays is 

hazelnut coffee...when I met you I was

hooked on French Vanilla, after you

and I shared that cup of hazelnut, I was

hooked.  You are my cup of hazelnut

coffee.

I realized that I am so much of you.

I took so much with me, from you

through the years....not just a cup

of coffee......I hope you know that

much...

 

Love you Always, Always

~Kamela

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