Dearest James,

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

One regret

Only one regret.

I try to live my life with
no regrets.
I try to do my best
to do what I want,
say what I want,
love who I want,
go where I want..etc....etc...
So far I have done just that....
Until May 21st.
That was the last time James and I spoke.
We spoke for quite some time...
then he asked me to get coffee with him.
I said that I couldn't.
I lied.
I wanted to but I said no.
I thought maybe another time.
Another time never came.....
A few days later
James' mom Ann calls me...

My one and only regret.....
I am so so so sorry...
We'll never have that cup of coffee.

Forever n a Day...
~Kamela

You Stayed!!!

I never had many friends, and I still don't.
I find it hard to trust people and let them get close
cause they always disappoint.
I could never understand how you
had so many friends and you knew
so many people. I was and still am a wallflower
but you had always been the center of attention
and it drove me crazy. You were always on the go
and now I know why. You never wanted to be
alone.
Your life, the way you lived it, it makes sense now.
The pieces of your life now put together fits,
just like the puzzles you loved fit, it all fits now.
I have visited this page so many many many times
in one day. I'm probably the one who keeps uping the
count. lol. I just need to talk to you. You and two other
souls were the closest to me, three felllas in my
life. Now there are only two. One my love and the
other my BFF, and you, you were you, you never
fit into any category, any one role. But you fit in
my heart, you sat and sit in my heart comfortably.
Many times, this past month, I've wanted to talk
to you. We've always talked, we would talk for
hours and that's the one thing I loved about us.
I've been talking to you alot, but silence is what
I've gotten in return. I'm not used to this silence
between us. Even when we weren't talking
we'd call each other. You were my habit, rarely
had you ever said "I'll call you back" but when you
did I made you feel guilty and you stay on the phone
with me. lol.

--
~Kamela :)

How you always made me laugh cont'd...

You always found a way to make me laugh even when I wasn't in the mood to laugh. Almost like clock work when you come into to work on Tuesday you would come by my desk and the first thing you would say wadup E. what are we having for breakfast, what are we having for lunch even though you knew I'd already had breakfast, or you would say come with me to get a bagel then you would tell me one of you stories which will have me cracking up, because they were so unbelievable and hiliarious at the same time. I remember a couple of weeks before you wanted me to come over to your house for the weekend but I wasn't up to it because I was feeling down.

I didn't tell you, however, when you came to work and you started joking around and being yourself I wasn't really laughing you asked me what's wrong. I remember telling you and you told me not to worry it's nothing, then you told me one of your funny stories. For the rest of the day it made me feel so much better I couldn't stop laughing. It as though you made everything better. I will especially miss every time you were about to tell one of your stories and I would start to say something, you would alway say, you be quiet you don't know what you are talking about you're not even black lol. Anyone who ever had lunch with us will know what I'm talking about.

I going to miss you coming over to my desk and ask me to go get coffee with you. I'm going to miss you coming over and asking me for my metro card leaving for hours with it and everytime I would say don't lose my metro card James and you would say shut up but you know you my bitch lol. Then you could say come with me and I would say are you trying to get me fired. I remember when you asked me to come with you, you were going to see your uncle Mike. I remember we walk up to him and you introduced me and you said to him this is my girlfriend and you were like nah I'm just playing that's my friend Erin and she have some nice cha chas though lol. I was so embrassed your uncle just laugh. Also, the time when I met you aunt and cousin that was so funny I'm not even sure I could tell that story. I Swear we were gone so long that someone would come around looking for us, but you were like stop no body is looking for us.

I'm going to miss the bullshit stories you would make up about us when I stayed over at you house and you had everyone beliveing it. But they were funny as hell, if I wasn't there myself I would have believe it too. lol. You were so good at telling a story and making everyone laugh, sometimes it would take everyone a minute or two before they realize you were only playing. I'm going to miss you saying to me so are you coming over so we could play Wii. You would would always say come on you got come over you the best player you got be on my team even though I suck, and i'll be like yeah right you are so fool of it and some how i would end up going. You were so good at doing that and we all fell for it. You would always say so are you coming over tonight or what and I would be like what are you talking about, I would alway say I don't have clothes to stay over and you would be like so, we would go back and forth and you would say ok I would go with you to century and you could buy something. I can't believe I actually didn that. I alway use to tell Sammy only for you I would do certain things for and it was so true, I would have never done anything like that for anyone else because you had a special place in my heart. And the times when I stayed at your house and have nothing to sleep in you would give me one of your big ass pants wear and when i'm walking around you would pull them down. I use to be so mad and you would say tell me that shit wasn't funny, and you know something it was because I would laugh too. The times when when me and Kimmy would be at your house and you would be like don't touch anything, because you bitches are going to burn my house down, but you know I love you guys that why I make fun of you lol I'm espcially going to miss you the most because when it was time to go to sleep we couldn't get you to stop talking. And boy did you talk. You always knew how to make everyone laugh, sometimes I wondered if you ever knew how funny you were.

I love you James aka kak

Erin

destiny????

Everyone has their destiny,
was this yours???
I am just having a hard time
understanding all of this.
I can't fathom the idea of
everyone leaving their
memories of you and them,
on this page. Memories like
these are made to be shared
over hundreds of cups of
hazelnut coffee. Memories like
these are made so that we can
call each other when they come
to mind and remind each other
of what dumb stuff we've done.
Memories like these are made
to be told to our children and
have them make fun of us and
hold it against us..Memories
like these will never again be...
without you, my Dearest James...

What kind of a destiny is this??

Forever n a Day....
~Kamela :)

How you made me laugh so many times

I can remember times I was have a bad day or feeling sad and you would say the funniest to make me laugh. Even the most outrageous stuff, I could only say James and you would say I made you laugh didn't it.

I remember some of the emails you sent me that would have me laughing histerically, I would say to you if they check our emails at this job we would both be fired.

You would say fuck them who care.

My Memories....

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal."

James...
My memories keep me company, when I miss
you. Then when I miss you most, then I want to call
you, and I can't....then the tears come and then that
empty feeling in the pit of my stomach seems so
large and grand....then I fall asleep.

I was walking to work one morning, feeling pretty
awful. I looked down to a place that I had forgotten,
and I saw a place on the ground where you had carved
our initials in the cement that had just been poured.
It made me smile. It made me smile like I haven't smiled
in so long. It warmed my heart and for that moment all
was good. I tried to keep that feeling with me as long as
I could but my reality took over and I missed you.

Forever n a Day...
~Kamela :)

Feeling It..

I’m feeling it a little more each day that goes by. I walked passed your desk yesterday and all I could do is shake my head and say “hmmmm” Hurtful I must say. I’m in a bad mood today and the worse part is I can’t call you and talk about it, and I can’t wait for you to come by my desk just to ask me “Why you gotta stink attitude” “What happen, you didn’t get no boom boom last night”

Erin really misses you and I know that she isn’t doing well inside. I think you are the only friend she ever had that she has been so close to. Also I think you are the only one that really took her for who she is. I’m sure many others can say the same thing. Still haven’t really cried, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But I’m starting to feel the it more and more that you aren’t here which hurts.

Love Always ***Manta***

Just when...

Just when I thought I've cried all my tears for you,
I found out that I have an endless supply.
You won't call me so we can talk about the
new Maxwell album coming out. And how long it's
gonna take for him to release the damn album!! grrr!
You won't be able to play your favorite songs for me.
And explain to me in great detail why it's your fav.
And I'm still waiting for the CD that you said you were
making for me. I can only imagine what songs are on it and
why you chose them. You won't be able to call me
and tell me what crazy things you did this summer.
I won't be able to call you and ask you how my sister
is doing and what she's really up to. lol! I miss you!
I only hope you knew how important you've been to me,
you are to me, how my life has changed because of you......
I'll keep my promise that I made to you long ago....

Love
~Kamela

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

"Mr. Telephone Man, There's Something Wrong with My Line"

he would have loved this even if sucked balls.

3am and counting

every night since you died, i wake up at 3am.

each and every single night.

i stare at the ceiling, wondering if you are okay. imagining what you might be doing, or seeing, or who you are with, or if you are alone.

i pretend that i've died too, and that you are waiting to give me the grand tour of the other side. gloating over the fact that you know so much more than we do, the usual.

telling me come look at this, zaida, you're gonna love this shit.

i imagine what it must have felt like, as you lay there sleeping, and your heart stopped.

did you feel anything? were you standing in your room looking at your body, confused, like in the movies?

or did you get whisked away, like in all my dreams the three weeks after you died?

in my dreams you had went to bed, and fell asleep, and you closed your eyes, and when you opened your eyes, you woke up in a different place, a place you had never seen before, and you were so confused. you were totally like what the fuck? you were so very confused and frustrated. and when you got frustrated you got angry, but it was a sorrowful anger. like you knew what happened, but refused to accept it. you kept running your hand over your forehead and hair. your face would turn bright red, you were so flustered.

you, the traveler, were so lost.

and i watched you being lost. in those dreams i was the spirit and you were alive - alive on the other side in that strange place. and i hovered over you, watching you, unable to tell you where to go and what to do or why you were there and what happened.

i felt so helpless in those dreams, because i saw everything that was going to happen to you before it actually happened, and i couldnt warn you or tell you which turn to take, or what was going to happen to you, just around the corner.

maybe that's what's happening to you right now, bebe. maybe you are feeling helpless as well.

as you watch us struggle and cope and live and try to figure out how to manage. as we make bad choices, or even worse, when we dont choose at all. maybe you see where our path leads us, but all you can do is patiently wait until it's our time to see you again.

maybe you were meant to guide us, to be that bug in our ear, that inner voice, helping us get to where we need to be.

maybe you were born to learn all of our secrets, and force us and coerce us in the gentlest way possible, like you were known to do, and maybe you were sacrificed to become our angel, so that you can help us make better choices, or even better, choose to begin with.

all these weeks later, and im still full of maybe's.

keep watching over us, please. because i really believe that we can all feel you. at the strangest times, when we dont expect it.

and keep practicing - keep leaving your little reminders for us - while we just try to believe it's coincidence, as if that really exists.

we feel you. it's cool. we know what's up.

trust me.

because i trust you.

xx zaida xx

Monday, June 30, 2008

Missing you.....

James Shawn Agostini!!!!!!!
You are missed so much!!!
I can't stand it!!!!!

~Kamela :)

You, me and Derek Jeter...

I remember when you lived on Pitt Street
and we would always walk everywhere. I remember
when you took me to the East River, to the park.
We took a bat, a ball, and a mitt (as I called it and
you would make fun of me, cuz no one called it
that anymore) I thought it would be great to be
outdoors, with you teaching me how to hit, bat
and throw. Little did I know that this would a four
hour intense "spring training" type of thing.

You taught me how the hold the bat properly, where
to place my foot, how to place my foot. I thought,
I'm a girl, I'll never be able to do this...but you kept
at it and I hit the ball really hard and really far....
and you were so proud of me, now ask me to repeat
it, I wouldn't dare. You threw the ball really hard and
really fast at first, just cuz you wanted to show off
your "skills" but then you slowed up for me, so I that
I actually had a chance to hit the ball. Next we
moved onto you hitting and me catching. I must say
that I've always been a good catcher. Then you showed
me how to hit the ball against the fence so it would get
stuck. I couldn't hit the ball hard enough to make it stick
to the fence.lol. ....You were even ok with the fact that
I bought a Derek Jeter mitt. You gave me hell about it.
You did not let me live it down...lol. I remember you told me
when I first got the glove to oil it down, put a ball in it, tie a rubber
band around in and put it underneath my mattress...that was weird to me
I didn't know why, but next day it fit my hand like a "glove" lol
I was very proud of myself...you have always, always believed in me
and all that I do and that I thank you for. I'm gonna miss my cheerleader

Love....
~Kamela :)

Somewhere besides here.....

Last night was the first time I went out, I allowed myself to be somewhere else
beside this hollow place, that this time has come to find me in. Christian and I, yes I
actually used his name, although you never allowed me to say it when we would
speak. You never wanted to know. lol. so we went to a friend's house party. at first it was
the usual. People in niches talking, spitting nonsense to impress, while i regress, from
this illusive place. Never have i been interested in the on goings on in some random
person's life, and now ever more so. The night continued on. I thought i needed to leave
this place. I needed to leave this hollow place, that's held me captive these past days. These past days my life has been stagnant, but the thoughts they keep moving, moving in and out.
The past eleven years you've been apart of my life has reappeared, I never forgot them, just
placed them aside so that I could move on from "us". I got a drink. I drank that drink.

I drank it so fast and it was strong, stronger than I. Numb. Numb is what I wanted to be. I didn't
want to feel the pain. I didn't want to miss you. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel
empty, hollow. I didn't want to think about how I want to call you so badly and talk to you.
I didn't want to think about how you never could yourself my friend, but that is exactly what
we were. We were more than friends....How can you know someone for eleven years, share
laughter with them, share tears with them, share family with them, share your life with them,
share you quiet times with them and not call them your friend.... I drank that drink. And for
one hour you did not cross my mind. It felt great. I did not miss you. I did not hurt. You
were not gone from my mind. Until a Maxwell song came on, then I went right back to that
place, that hollow place.........I miss you him some me.......
Love
~Kamela

Best Friend Factor II- Sam's Part One

After reading Zaida "Best Friend Factor" Made me say what the heck.. We sure did share the same best friend. That's CRAZY. James had so many special people in his life, we are so lucky. I'm starting to wonder, does she know about the black pants?

Thinking about when Victor passed away, James called me crying. Saying I better make it work between my ex-best friend "H" because life is short. I Told him "Hell No fuck her" He almost begged me to call her back and make it work because he didn't want me to feel the pain he felt one day. In my eyes I was treated wrongly and in his eyes that's what best friends are for. They hurt you, talk about you, help you, love you, hate you and protect you all at once. Well I didn't want that from her. I remember saying in my head if I ever lose James as a best friend it will hurt my soul. But I never thought that it would be death that would take him away at that moment.

This what being a best friend was like with James:
Make sure you tell him it's a secret, because if you don't he will tell. Lol.

Spending the night at his house was CRAZY, never got enough of sleep, talk, talk, talk.

He introduce me to 7A's and told be to bring on one there, that's his spot. Shit, he took half of America there. Well, I will say he took his special people there. We never had argument, That's crazy, but he use to get mad when he didn't have his way. Saying no to James was something you weren't suppose to do. But I always gave in. We went to go get tea and coffee together 3:59 every time he was at work. And he knew damn well the café closed at 4pm. Taking long lunches with him never got me in trouble. He will say "come with met to best buy real quick" No James I'm going to get it trouble he will say "no you not you with me" And I swear I never got in trouble. That's what best friends do!!

That's not even that HALF!!

I Knew him and I were close when I told this one secret that I haven't told anyone. And he laughed about it and said " That's aint shit" Made me feel really good. I know one thing everyone at work thought that we were dating, I use to get mad and he use to make it worse and joke about it. He will grab my hand to make the gossipers believe that we were together, then after we past he will be like "NOSY BITCHES, You think we gassed them up son?" "Fuck that you my Bitch if they don't like it Oh well, You my bitch" James always hooked me up with the strangest guys, I don't want to talk about it.

EMBARRASSING!

He can't be replaced But James left me someone that was close to his heart, and that's Damaris. The female version of James, it's crazy. He knew from day one I will love her. And he was right. It's crazy because certain things she do and say wigs me out because she reminds me of James so much. He shared her with me and now I share her with two others. She's the glue of us four girls and James was the builder. Not only that I'm connecting to another special person of his which is Zaida. I know so much about her, but I never thought we would connect this way. I can't believe this, but than again I can believe it. My right hand man isn't here. What is all that about? Keep your best friends close each of them has different purposes, and choose them wisely.

Thank you J, Love you

xoxo Manta

Weekend Blues..

This weekend James has been on my mind every second. Sunday morning I went to eat breakfast at Bayside Diner which is located a few blocks away from where James Funeral was held. Saturday I was in the park chilling with Carlos and the whole time I was looking at this bench wishing that James will appear. I’m so serious, my mind is fucking with me. I’m starting to miss my best friend. Yesterday Carlos and I was walking to the store and this man was sitting outside banging on his chair making beats with a red sock cap on. I swear it sent chills through my whole body. So I said to the guy “Go Red Socks” And he gave me a half ass smirk. But inside I was cracking up because he had no idea I was looking at him strange because he reminded me of James. I’m sure he thought that I was checking him out. Carlos just looked at me like I was crazy then laughed. LOL

Seriously, I’m really missed James this weekend. Maybe it’s starting to hit because the last few days I have been expressing my thoughts. I think when I wasn’t expressing my thoughts and feelings, I was just blocking everything out. I wasn’t ready to face the fact that James isn’t here any more. It’s confusing.

I had the weekend blues.. Best friends don’t come easy.

I love You James

**Manta**

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Rewind

there are really specific things that make me smile - like when you would force me to look at the same pictures over and over again. or play the same song over and over again.

please dont hit rewind! i would beg. not again!!

but listen... just listen to this one part...

the first few days after you died, i just walked around saying this is not happening. this is not happening. it's not possible. it's not possible that the only human being i have ever known with the most spirit and the most energy and the most loving heart and the most carino and giving nature who remembered everything about everyone is not here anymore.

i just want to go back. i want to rewind and go back to the last time i saw you and do it again.

xx zaida xx

Friday, June 27, 2008

just enough

ive been re-reading what samantha posted in Hasn't Hit, and this came to mind:

i dont believe in g-d, per se. i believe in a higher power, and that there is something greater than us. i am spiritual and believe in spirits and im pretty sure ive seen james in spirit around my damn house, but it could be my mind fucking with me, who knows.

crazyville could kill a bitch, im sayin'.

regardless, daniel is jewish and imparts all these words of wisdom and sometimes that shit sticks. i wonder if g-d set it up in such a way that james was here just enough to teach us what we needed to learn, that when he was alive he traveled just enough so we knew how to function without him, and we were trained for him to not be around just enough so that we might pick up where he left off with less damage emotionally...

i feel exactly how samantha feels - like he is just on another trip, and he will be back. i mean he has to come back - that's what my mindfuck keeps telling me. but then i remember his casket going into the ground. and the flowers being tossed. and what he looked like at the funeral home, laying there, in his linen suit, and i was telling him when we were alone

now i know what you would look like when your 50, motherfucker. not necessarily the best look in the world, but what can you do?

i know that he's not coming back, which keeps me from the restraining jacket, but i keep talking to him out-loud, in hopes that he will come back in spirit. "he's doing his rounds," his mom told me. and she's right. he's coming to each of us in the way we can deal with it best - just enough.

so pay attention, people. if you think your hear him talk back. if you think you see him, tell him it's okay to move on. acknowledge his presence or voice or whatever, just like he was here.

im going away this weekend because im finally ready to give myself a break, and because i need to focus on the people who are here with me, still alive, and helping me "move on" as i've been told. please keep writing and posting to the blog saidy.dearestjames at blogger dot com while im gone.

it's nice to not feel alone.

xx zaida xx

One Kiss One Hug

Every time when I saw you at work at your desk while you were sitting down I will give you a tight hug and a kiss on the face and say “I love You”. But your stink ass will never say it back. You will just say “Wow your ass is so juicy and give me another kiss” Crazy you are. The Friday before you died, I did that very thing I kiss you on the face and gave you a tight hug. But you know what’s so crazy, I don’t remember if I gave you that kiss and hug Tuesday or was it Monday when I saw you at work. You know... I do remember Erin and I were at your desk and I did the normal. I’m gone mentally, Because I block out that whole week. Erin and I use to always say “the one person that I will kill for is James.” You are so special.

That one Kiss and One Hug was just a natural reaction towards you because you always use to do that to me when we became the best of friends. Somehow I pick up your habit. LIKE DUH!!! I must say I told you I loved you every time I saw you face to face. I have only two male Best Friends left but they will never be able to replace you or even do the things we use to do. Shoot! We went to go get our nails done together, What man is going to do that with me now? LMAO!!!! You know one Kiss and One Hug should be shared between Best Friends all the time, It’s a silent way of saying I care, I love you, I feel your pain, I’m here for you, I forgive you and so much more. For now on I feel give my special friends One Kiss and One Hug. You taught me so much about love when it came to family, friends and relationships. You use to always say when I was bitter, “Don’t stop loving because of one bad person, being in love is beautiful” And you are right because I fell in love again with Carlos. I’m so happy you got to meet him before you left. I talked so much about you I think he was starting to wonder things. LOL. Damn!!! This is FUCK UP! What I’m going to do without my Right hand man James. It still hasn’t fully hit.. I confused seriously.

James I love you! One Kiss and One Hug

I’m happy I kept some e-mails from you. This was a e-mail you sent after I gave you one kiss and one hug

From: Agostini, James
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:47 PM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject:

Your beautiful and what a BUTTOCKS you have

From: Williamson, Samantha
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:48 PM
To: Agostini, James
Subject: RE:

You are a mess

From: Agostini, James
Sent: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 12:49 PM
To: Williamson, Samantha
Subject:

But im not blind and that was a juicy wet kiss. give me another one.

**Manta

Hasn't Hit.

James it hasn’t hit me yet that you aren’t here. This is crazy because everyone is all emotional, weak, sadden and I’m here lost, confused mainly shocked. I have no idea when I’m going to snap out of it. I know one day it will hit me. It feels like you are on vacation in Ireland somewhere for a few weeks. I don’t want to let you go, I don’t want to realize that you aren’t here. I haven’t cried much, I’m just stuck on stupid. Everyone is telling me that I’m stronger than what I think. I don’t look at it that way. I feel that I have accepted the fact that you are gone, but at the same time it still feels like you are here. I think about you everyday and the words I repeat to myself is that “God needs James more than us here on earth.”

What do I do? It hasn’t hit me yet.

Honestly, I’m really confused.

xoxoxoxo Manta

Rescue Me

dearest james,

we've watched the entire four seasons of rescue me over the last two weeks. i'm fairly sure you recommended this show to me a while back, and now i know why. you would have fit perfectly in it. you would have been awesome on that crazy crew. you would have been making fun of all of them. it is THE best show on television, no doubt about it. they say exactly what they want to say without hesitation - even if that shit didnt make sense. so politically incorrect it leaves your head spinning. that shit is totally funny. i needed to laugh again, and this totally did it.

thank you for reminding me.

xx zaida xx

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