(sharing your stories, one post at a time.)

Monday, September 29, 2008

Fwd: FW: F A M I L Y

F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.



He said, 'Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you.'



We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.



But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.



Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.



When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.



He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.



While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,



'While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.



Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.



Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.



He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'



By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.



I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.



'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'

He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.



I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'



I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.'

He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay.

I love you anyway.'



I said, 'Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'



FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company

that we are working for could easily replace us in

a matter of days.

But the family we left behind will feel the loss

for the rest of their lives.



And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more

into work than into our own family,

an unwise investment indeed,

don't you think?

So what is behind the story?



Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU



Pass this message to 7 people except you and me ..



You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

Don't ignore and God will bless you

--
~Kamela

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Miss you still....

James,

I missed you alot today.
Last night you were in my dreams,
it was you and Jordyn.
I cried alot in this dream bc
you were trying to prepare
everything because you knew
you were going to leave us.
Ans you needed to make sure that
Jordyn would be taken cared of.
And I tried my hardest but,
you didn't want me to, because it
would be too hard for me.
I told you how could I not????
I took care of him when she was younger,
we went to the park, I combed her hair,
fell asleep together.  I told you and know that
No hardship to myself
mattered of matters to me...

I woke up this morning, had no class
today, but needed my friend today,
my buddy,, my pal...got some news,
needed you to assure me it's no big deal...
I sat and cried...I need you here!!

Had lunch...watched some music vidoes
Back to back to back...played
Ribon Thicke, MJ, and Alicia Keys..
I remember how jealous you got when
I told you that I meant Alicia Keys
and spoke to her and told you how nice
she was.
The first thing you asked was,
"Well, is it really big??"
I thought what a jerk!! lol
And yes it was everything you hoped for...
I remember one day when you called me
just to tell me how great you thought
Robin Thicke is, and gave me the low down
on him :)


When it rains you, it pours you.
I miss you...

Love Always
~Kamela

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

........


Ok, James, we know the Yankees suck!!!
I thought I missed a call from you taunting me lol
Yea...well this if the first time since 1995 since the
Yankees didn't not make it to the post season.
It's gonna be weird?!!? I know you had to have
something to do with that..."angels in the outfield..."lol
Your boys though, they hustled and clinched!!
They made it into the post season...we'll see!

oxox
~Kamela

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Crazy hair cuts

James was the most charming person I'd ever known, he had you doing things for him and  you didn't even realize you were doing it  until you were done
He had a way of convincing that you were the best at what ever it is that he wanted you to do for him. lol
It was so odd that he was the only person I could do just about anything for no one else.
As I'm sitting here writing this story I can't help but laugh
I remember when he decided he wasn't going to the barber shop to cut his hair any more.
One day I had decided to spent the night at his house
I walk into his apartment and he was in the bathroom, to which I ask what are you doing?
To which he responded cutting my hair. I'm like, what? Are you serious?
He was like hell yeah, I said to him are you looking at your head because you fuck it up big time, why don't you go let the barber cut it
Hell no that's why you are going to fix it for me
I was like are you crazy I can't cut your hair I'll fuck it up even more
He was like no you won't just do what I tell you, I don't know why I was even arguing with him because two minutes later I was in his bathroom with him cutting his hair. lol It wasn't  great but it was much better than what he  did.
From then on he had me cutting his hair because he refuse to go and get it cut.
It was so funny there were times he would come in to work  with a mess up hair cut he gave himself
and we would laugh and I'd be like you cut yourself didn't you
He would be like yep, then he would  say to me  if you had come over and cut like you suppose to I wouldn't be walking around with a fuck up hair cut
You always knew when James cut his hair himself because on the top of his head one side was always higher than the other
The oddest thing was he didn't care
That is what I loved about him he never cared what anyone else thought about him, except for the people who really mattered to him
He was the best
Love big head miss those funny moments
 
Erin
 

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Strange moment (Your Desk)

Hi James,
Even though I know you are never going to be seating at your desk, I couldn't help but feel sad
when I saw that there was someone else seating there. To me it will always be your desk.
It was was weird when I saw this person seating there my stomach did a flip. I'm not sure why
I knew eventually someone would be there but I guess I wasn't fully prepared to see anyone physically seating at your desk 
I guess this is when I have to tell myself that, this is the way things are going to be from now on. Someone else is there and I guess
I'm going to have to get use to it. I don't think I can get use to that idea just yet, but I'm sure one day when I least expect it
will happen
Love you James
Erin

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Just One more thought...

These play back and forth in my head....

"That's not the way you dooooo it, darling"
"I know that newspaper is not on my couch!"
" Wow, did you see that?? Now that's a sexy mamma jamma"
"Not matter how you look at it, I'm the Whitest Black person you'll ever meet"
"Yo, you gotta hear this song!!"
"Ok, just one more song.'
"This is the last song, I promise you!"
"Thanks, for being a sport"
"You're my pal, you know that?"
"Come oooon, let's go!"
"Can I stay ova??"
"You're mom's cooking curry? no? well she is now!!"
...

Now, it's definitely Goodnight!  :)
FAAD
~Kamela

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Right Now...

James...
I
miss
you.
simply
put.

Goodnight
~Kamela

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Monday, September 22, 2008

keeping up with the grunes' clan

aye, james.  do you see this shit down here?  first, im so freaking happy that so many people were able to make it to our quicky wedding.  i cant even tell you, bro.  we didnt get enough time to spend with everyone - which sucked.  but besides that, it was so much fun.  i now know why weddings can go to 5 hours long - you want to be able to sit and chat with everyone.  shit, i spent more time with your moms than i did with my own fam!!  but they knew before i even told them it was Ann, and they were so wonderful about it.  my aunt is great - you would have been proud.  her and pat were able to say hello to everyone. i cant even tell you how lucky we are that my ex-mother-in-law is like our mom - to both me and daniel.  she's so great and she loved you so much.

we all did, you bastard.  i so still wanna kick your ass, you have no idea.

so, we are starting to leak the news more and more about our TWINS!!  i told veronica the night of the wedding - and she had a dream that she lost a tooth which meant a baby - turns out its us!  what the hell.  this was the last thing we expected but it's a huge blessing.  we are sooo scared and nervous.  i started another blog diary about the twins, of course, cause we need to keep track of every single second.  i actually wish i started sooner - the day we found out - well i should say those two weeks during right before the wedding when you stalked me like crazy in my dreams - and you told me to take the pregnancy test and i did - POSITIVE and i told you to take care of it and you did - 4 days before the wedding the doctor said TWINS.  and now we are 10 weeks - still not officially in the clear but it's so hard to hide the huge belly bump already.  i thought i could being a "muffin top" and shit, but not really. 

and i started writing again, regularly.  all the things i used to tell you privately.  all of our sex talks.  all of our secrets. 

it's nice to be able to share again.

i want to believe that you played a really big part in giving us the chiclets.

there's no other reason for it - so of course im going to blame you, as always.

i love you, darlin.

thank you.

xxzaidaxx

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Tenderoni....lol

Tenderoni:  is a slang terminology which refers to a younger male or female love interest or someone too young to talk to or become involved with. It is composed of "tender", which is a synonym for young and "roni" which usually serves as an affectionate diminutive towards a male or female. It denotes your younger sweetheart, your younger better half, your younger boyfriend/girlfriend.


James you were the One!  The only guy I know who ever talked
about a "tenderoni". Guys nowadays don't talk about love,
being in love, being in love with a "lady".
If James called you his lady, you were pretty lucky.
No guy brings you flowers bc they want to.
Guys don't think about you when they see something
that reminds them of you and someone else would deems insignificant.
Love means not much these days.
It's an inconvenience, a hassle, no one feels anything any more
bc they are afraid to get hurt.
getting hurt is part of it. 
A brokenheart...no one goes looking for one,
but to not love bc your afraid, please!
To feel love grow inside you, to hold it,
have it hold you. That's the best!!

For James, for back in the day...wish you were here...you make me smile...
over and over again! Thank you...

"The truth about Roni, she's a sweet little girl
You could treat her real nice and hold her tight
Only tender ronis can give special love
A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love

My heart (ouh) belongs to tender roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart, baby)
My heart (Yeah) belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's always on the phone
Talkin' to her homeboy, wishin' they were home alone, ooh
She send you lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
This is what a real tender roni likes to do to you

And if you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wild world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah

My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only lover)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love

The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life

My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love"

Bobby Brown...

For all the loves of James' life...all the woman in his life...


--
~Kamela

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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Playlist...


Stevie is about love.
Overjoyed was I when we could, would talk.
Speak about this and that, them, him and her,
and everything in between.
Marvin is soulful.
James you physically made (lol) me sit and listen to so many,
many songs!!!
When you made me listen to "The Star Spangle Banner",
and Marvin sang it, wow
was I in love. I never knew a song like that
could be so soulful.
Thankyou, James.
Michael is vulnerable.  You felt his pain when he sang.
You allowed us to be vulnerable in our quiet times.
George has the voice to die for according to you. lol
You, you can make a girl spend four hours on the phone, breakin dawn....
Sam is the orginal, THE original. The first footprint in the sand.
You, my dear James, have left the deepest footprints in hearts, in my heart.
Let's not forget..
New Edition, omgosh!! Pioneers in their time, and the dancing!!!
James, I'm telling you, you should have been in the group!!  I think
you thought you had the moves.  Your were too much, especially the
spin!!!
Maxwell, well I had to through him in just because...no reason needed.
I remember when you took me to the concert.
That was one of those "moments" I will never forget.  We sang.
We cried. We were part of the making of a legend!!!
 
Had it not been for you, I wouldn't know them the way you did.
I see them through your eyes.  They're in my playlist, before, now and
always.
 
James, you spent your days living in these lyrics.
Living the love, showing people how to love.  Showing
us how to live.  Thank you for your love. Without a doubt
we knew we were, I knew I was loved.
 
Love You!
~Kamela

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Monday, September 15, 2008

Miss You Dearly

I dreamt of you last night.
These past two days have been really difficult.
I felt you alot. I felt you very near to me.
It's choking me.
The dream last night was so real. I felt the hurt.
I felt the tears. I felt the fear.
But..
You always made me smile.
You always knew how.
The littlest things you did brought joy to me.
My most favorite gift you gave me was the
goofy keychain.  I remember when you gave it
to me.  It out the biggest smile on my face and
warmed my heart and still does to this day.
   God...I can't do this...
I feel so empty.
To have you here.
To have you call me and say hi.
To tell me about one of the crazy women in your life.
lol. you had some drama. lol.
Just to talk. To hear your voice.
To hear you smile on the other line.
I could hear the feelings on your face always
when we spoke. You'd tried to be cool and
act like you don't care but I knew...I knew it all.
  I cannot make any sense of this.
you not here, it doesn't feel right. This is not the
way it was suppose to be.  You were suppose to
help me look for an apartment. You promised you
would help me. You promised me.
Sometimes, times like now, I feel like I'm going insane!!
You knew. You knew me.
You knew when to call me. Cuz I needed to hear your
voice but was too proud to call. You knew and You still
know. And so do I...
 
~Love You Always and Forever
  Kamela

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

James and the giant peach fuzz!!

I remember long ago, when
James and I worked together,
it's actually where we met.
All the ladies loved him ofcourse.
He was very sweet with his words
and would make any women feel beauitful.
Well, one day he told me that he was going to
get a haircut. I was like ok.
I was the first one to get to work.
Then he got there about two hours later.
When I saw him, my mouth dropped to the floor!!!
His hair cut was the most awful thing I've ever seen!!
It was cut down soooo low. It just look like peach fuzz!!
And ya'll know with that head and those big ears, it was
pretty bad!!! 
When he saw the look on my face, he got so embarassed,
he went upto the breakroom and wouldn't come down.
Oh my goodness! It was so bad that I told not to ever
get a haircut with me!!!! 
Now I'll have to do alot with him...
It feels weird bc I didn't realize how much
he was in my life, even when he wasn't, he was.
 
LFAAD
~Kamela

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Tuesday, September 9, 2008

The Wedding!

Oh My! It was bitter but sooo sweet.. Bitter because James wasn’t there physically sooo sweet because Zadia & Daniel are married and sooo happy. I know you were looking down on this one James. Oh my! They took it way back with the ole sckol candy, I was hype. The cameras with the “Jamesism” statements was FUNNY! James I wish so much that your were there. It was beautiful and fun.

 

I wanted to cry soon as I saw Zadia. I’m sure we all felt the same way. Your family was there, Jack is crazy, he reminds me of you James. Your sister had me laughing so hard, Veronica had me laughing as well. What had me really cracking up is your mom, on my way out she had me laughing, I didn’t want to leave.

 

It was wonderful sharing thoughts and memories about you with people who love you will always will. We had a good time. I was feeling “NIZCE” as you and Toni will say.

 

To Zadia & Daniel, Carlos and I aren’t Jewish but please believe we went home saying “I want a wedding like that” LOL It was really beautiful and creative. I LOVED IT.

 
**Manta**

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The Wedding

Hey buddy,
I finally met Zaida at her wedding it was wonderful and I know you would have been very proud of her and Daniel.
You spoke about her so much when you were here I felt like I had already knew her.
The wedding was wonderful and she looked beautiful. I wish you could have been there to see her.
But I'm sure you were there. It was a really beautiful day the weather was perfect. It couldn't have been more perfect.
I was thinking about you the entire time, what you would have done and the jokes would probably would have made lol
I had such a great time seeing everyone again, your mom, brother, sister and Veronica
All I kept thinking was how you brought all of the people you love and care about together.
I also kept thinking a few months from now that would have been you and Veronica
I guess that why I miss you even more.
Love always James
 
Erin
 
 

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Monday, September 8, 2008

Sunday September 07, 2008

It's funny because on Sunday morning I had a similar dream.
I dreamt you were alive and you had tears in your eyes.
You were happy to be back.
You said that you had to let us know why you went away,
and that you missed us.  But you had to leave again...
I cried and cried. I woke up crying....But it felt good
b/c I haven't dreamt of you in a while....Then I
had to go for a run and I talked to you the entire way....
 
It's weird how your presence is so strong.
How we all feel you and you talk to you,
how could you not, that's all you ever did,
talk..talk...talk...talk....
sometimes I felt like saying "James, shut Up!!!"
I think I told you to a couple of times...
you didn't handle it very well lol!!
 
Last night your girl did it!!
And you were there!! I know it!
I felt it!
Jenny kept saying the funniest "Jamesisms"
OMGosh it was scary!!! it was like she had an '
outter body experience. it was strange!!!
but it was so beautiful they even danced!!
There was so much love, loves from the past,
loves from the present, and we were all
brought together by you!
Zaida, she was beautiful. And she was Happy!
And I know you were the one messin with the dogs!!
lol!!

Love You!!! 
~Kamela

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Friday, September 5, 2008

Dreaming of you

I dreamt about you this last weekend, I would dream about you all the time but for some reason this one was different
I can't explain it but I just know it was different. Normally, when I would dream about you it would be very hazy and foggy and I can't remember much I would wake up sad and just cry. However, this time everything was clear, every detail to what you were wearing and every gesture you made this time I remembered what you said to me.
You had on the brown corduroy pants you always wear with your strip sweater. I know its crazy right.
The few times dreamt about you, you normally wouldn't say anything to me you would just look at me, or when you did I wouldn't remember what it is that you had said to me.  Although, you didn't say much in this dream, you said enough and I understood.
In this dream everyone was at work standing by your desk, and as usual I'm was the last one to know what was is going on lol. In the dream it felt as though you were waiting for me to come, when I walk toward you, I kept saying to myself  out loud in the dream, this is a dream, this is a dream. Then you said to me come here and I said no I started backing away, then you said come here again which I did, and you hugged me which felt so, so real, and then you whispered my ear something that made me laugh, to which I said get out of here. After you hugged me you slowly back away and I mouthed to Toni, I'm happy you are alive but I mad at you for doing that to us. Even you little brother Jack was in on it. You went to go hugged Sammy but she wouldn't let you her back was toward you but you hugged her anyway, she was mad at you not sure why.  I said to everyone oh my god who is going to tell Zaida you are alive the wedding is at the end of the week, I know that is some crazy dream right.  You stood there for a  little while look at everyone then look at me and I look up at you and just like in the movies there was a twinkle star in your eyes, and then you started walking away, everyone was so busy talking because they were so happy they didn't notice you were leaving, you went around the corner and I woke up. Normally I would wake up sad, but this time I actually woke smiling because I remembered what you whispered to me. For the first time in three months since you've been gone and dreaming about you I didn't wake up crying or sad,  I did cry a little because I still miss you but it wasn't tears of sadness it because I knew I had to let you go and I didn't want too. And also I knew you are taking care of all of us one person at a time like you always did when you were here. I woke up feeling so at peace, and I knew right then that in order for me to get use to you not being in my life I had to let you go.
 
I love you James aka big head
love always
Erin
 

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hi buddy,

youve been hanging out in my dreams most every night the last two weeks - some were good, some were scary, one i was yelling at  you to "just take care of it!" and you said something stern and slammed the phone down then the doctor gave us some insane news the next morning.  last night was the strangest of them all - i dreamt that you were dead in your casket which i kept in my living room.  and that your family came to see me and i put pillows on it so they would have somewhere to sit (!!!)  and your mom was helping me clean like you used to every time you came over.  she was sweeping and mopping and doing dishes, and jack accidentally hit the casket and it fell and i tried to raise your body and your head almost fell off.  except you werent a real body it was like a wax figure of you in the casket but this time you didnt look like you were 50 like you did at your funeral - you were young, and had pink rosy cheeks and red lips.  you were gorgeous, like always, as usual.

ive been hella nervous and have been talking to you daily and you have been with me almost every night so thank you.

you even inspired me to start blogging again, for real this time, like back in the day, when you refused to read my stories because like you used to say

i live this shit - i dont need another fucking recap!

i love you james,

xxzaidaxx

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Smiles All around...

I went about my day today.
I missed you.
I thought of you and smiled,
got choked up and miss you some more.
I sooo need to speak with you.
What can I do?? What do I do now??
So much has happened...
So much to tell...
So much to share...
Smiles to give and receive...
But you know what you took your share...
and gave some back...

Love you... 
~Kamela

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Saturday, August 30, 2008

over my shoulder

i felt you sitting next to me today, as i sat on the sofa, putting together some of our favors, trying to wrap and tie on tags and stick on labels just right.

i heard you asking me about the jewish traditions, asking to explain what i am just learning myself, what it all means,  you saying, wow, that's really nice, zaida.  make sure to keep those chocolate coffee beans away from the kids. you know they'll think it's raisinettes or some shit.

today we needed to figure out who was going to read the ketubah during the ceremony, and all i kept saying was it's supposed to be you, fucker. 

and both you and ryan said to ask my aunt, so i did and she accepted.

i know it's my voice in my head and i just put your name on it. 

but it sounds like you
and it's funny like you
and it makes no sense like you, sometimes

and so my head says it's not you - it's my mindfuck, but my spirit looks over my shoulder and says,

yes, james.


and im okay with this.

xxzaidaxx

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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Another has gone to Heaven......

It is done!
I have buried another friend, another being
for whom I am grateful to know and love.
I pray to God that this is the last friend/loved
one that I bury until I am old and gray.
I have cried so much.
I have watched two mothers bury their children.
God, what has this world come to?
Where are we going????
This is not right.
This is not how it should be!!!
My head is so heavy from grief, I cannot
see my steps.
I am tired. I am weary.
I cannot sleep.
I cannot eat.
I cannot breathe.
I loved life, but now I am afraid.
Afraid to love.
Afraid to find.
Afraid to reach.
I can't..............
no more...........


~Kamela

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Monday, August 25, 2008

Just miss you...

I was just beginning to get a little ok,
with all that's happened with you recently.
My mind was at ease little, and I wasn't
crying as much...
I missed you just the same but it wasn't
as bad a months gone...
Then last night I came home and my mom
and Kim told me about a childhood friend
who was killed in a car accident on Saturday
morning at six a.m.
I am right back where I started....
God, how can this be happening?????
I am at a lost, once again.
 
I dreamt of you last night.
It was Zaida's wedding and
everyone was there. All your fam
and Jordyn, and I was there
and YOU, YOU were there.
I was sooo happy to see and you sat
next to me and it was nothing had
changed.  Still your same ole self.
I was such a great drem.
I woke up crying. I tried to walk to the bathroom,
and couldn't I stayed in bed and cried...
God, I miss you so much, it hurts to breathe...
 
Love you, Miss you,
~Kamela
 
 
 
 
 
 


 

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

where do i begin

and when does it end?

now, right this second, im crying for you.  dripping, snotting, hands shaking as my keyboard bounces.  i can no longer hold back the tears today.  ive tried to be strong, and not let it all get to me.  ive tried to remember every.single.thing. you have told me all these years when i feel frustrated, defeated, angry, resentful. 

"dont worry about that shit, zaida" you would say.

what i wouldnt do to hear your voice again, you have no idea.

i imagine your bear hugs, and me sobbing in your chest. 

i imagine you wiping my tears, and then putting your finger on my chest, pointing out the non-existent stain just so you can flick my nostril and then laugh while i looked confused and played all in a millisecond and then you telling me that i fall for it each time.

"you'd think you'd know by now"
you would say.

i want to hear you say

dont worry.
it will all work out.
that's nothing.
it's not that big a deal.
you think that's bad?  there was this one time...
it will be fine, just wait.  you'll see.
tell me what you need me to do
.

i see your face when you said these things to me
i hear the inflection in your voice
see the light in your eyes
see that concerned look turn into a devilish grin when you've hatched a plan
then remember how quickly you made me laugh to distract me

i feel selfish
i want you to rescue me, like always.
this is what best friends do.

but now it's up to me to rescue myself.

it's lonely without you.  extremely lonely, james.

it's supposed to get easier, people say.

that's fucking bullshit.  it's a fucking lie. 

it doesnt get easier.  you just remember less.

lose someone you would die for,
right when his life was *really* just beginning,
then give some decent advice, fucking dickwads.

xxzaidaxx

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Friday, August 22, 2008

James-ism...

 Some of the James-ism I've heard and thought to myself what the hell does that mean
but to him they meant something, and they were really funny.
 
"Come over I'll cook you something"
 
'Stop being a punk bitch"
 
'Zagga Zaug' (If some almost trip and fell he would say that)
 
'I love you, you my bitch" (His way of saying he loves you)
 
'I'll give these four up just for you" (If you are walking with him and he saw a cute girl)
 
"I hope she get gonorrhea"
 
"Yo did you eat a fart sandwich"
 
"Come with me to get a bagel & lock" (One of his favorite thing to eat)
 
"Come with me to get a coffee"
 
"What are we having for lunch you buying lunch today"
 
I know there is a whole lot more but these are the ones I can think of right now
As I'm writing I can't help but laugh. He was so funny.
 
Erin

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Your Guiding Force Never Ends

Dearest James,

Sunday was an awful day. But when I finally fell asleep, you were in my dream! If i close my eyes i can still see you now. you havent come to my dreams in so long, i hadnt been so happy as i was dreaming that night.

I walked into the bright ass sunny room with all white walls and there you were sitting in the chair with your legs spread wide and that cocky look on your face. you had been waiting for us. busting at the seams, i could tell.

I ran over to you and jumped on your lap and you had that giddy stupid grin that was so endearing. I kissed you right on the mouth in front of daniel, too. And you said "ZAYduh!! c'mon, daniel's right there!" and i said I DONT CARE I MISSED YOUUUU. and we laughed until tears came down. and then you said "stop being sucha cock."

you were moving in with us or we were moving in with you. we were all together at once, deciding who was going to take which room. and you wanted the living room for all the company you said you were going to have, and i finally believed you. and we built a fake wall to close off the living room and that place is so white and so bright it was blinding. everything was white even the furniture and i thought shit if we are living together i can never read a newspaper in this motherfucker god knows about the "finger prints" and how "dirty papers are," and whatever, i told you.

anyway it was the longest dream and you stayed with me until i woke up and looked out the window when i opened my eyes and there wasnt a cloud in the sky. not one. perfectly blue and clear.

and i did what you told me to do.

thank you!
thank you!!
thank you!!!

xxzaidaxx

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Monday, August 18, 2008

My Dearest James...

Usually when I write it makes me feel better.
It releases tension and allow my thoughts to
flow uninterrupted and free.
I thought blogging
here would help and allow the thoughts you
being gone to sink in and sit well with me or
just have me accept it, deal with the grief.
But this isn't helping. 
Nothing works.  It just hurts like hell.
God, I need to be numb for a while
and just not feel anything
It's like I'm up, I'm down,
I'm still, I'm all over the place.
I can't sit still.
The one thing that I do feel when I write here,
I feel closer to you.  But it's not the same...
of course how could it be????
How could it be this way????

LFAND
~Kamela

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A Conversation to last a lifetime...


I recall the last time we spoke.
It was May 21, 2008.
My mom was watching American Idol
and George Michael was on.
I automatically thought of you.
And I remembered a text you sent
me a few days before.
You always sent me random texts.
It was nice.
You asked me "who's voice was your
most favorite??
I sent a smugged reply back. I thought it
was pretty funny!!!
Then maybe an hour later, you texted
"George Michael" I was like "ofcourse!!"
So when I saw him performing I had to call.
So I did, and you were very happy that I called
and told you. You were surprised...
You mentioned that you were happy that I
warned you, cuz you knew Uncle Michael was
gonna soon call you too, and you would have
a good comeback for him. I laughed.
We hung up then you called me back later that evening
and we spoke for quite some time, at least two hours.
That was one thing we knew how to do, talk.
 
I am so glad that I got a chance to speak with you
for such a long time.
I am glad that we spoke and we laughed and
we were happy. I am glad that I called you that
night...
 
Love 
~Kamela

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James-isms

I don't really know any of his "James-isms."
With me, he was always sweet.
He was always being charming,
tryin to flex and being cute.
He always spoke fondly of the people in
his life, even when they pissed him off.
With me his "James-isms" was poetry,
and reciting songs.
When we were around each other, I got
"the romantic, suave James" LOL.
(but I guess so did all the girls) :).....
The pouty pink lips, always tryin to make
a move.lol. And the "look into my eyes..."
thinking back, he was soooooo chessey!!!
but that's who he is, was.
I have to catch myself many times, using the
present tense. When I do, it's like crazy.
I miss him soooo much. I've been quite
angry lately.  It's frustrating. Having all the
" Woulds,Coulda, Shoulda" thoughts.
 
Many times I wish I knew the" James"
that he was around his boys and friends.
I always had the pensive, careful, caring
James. Sometimes I would have just love
to fight with him, but I always seem to
easily hurt his feelings, without even trying.
 
James always took life as it came.
I should too. He never quite stopped
for any one reason. Always kept it moving.
I wondered how he could be so strong.....
 
I am happy we can all share our lives
with you, through each other.
I am happy we can learn something
new, and recall something old.
I am happy we can rekindle
memories, and feel them again,
taste them again, smell them again,
live them again...
 
Love
~Kamela

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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Hazelnut Coffee...

I am sorry.
I am sorry
that I could not help.
Was there anything
that I could have done???
To keep you here,
in the present, and not the
past where you lay, where
you kept yourself for so long.
What was it about the "good ole"
days you've loved so much, love, love, love...
To be loved by you,
was an event.
You shouted about love,
you threw yourself against love.
You threw yourself away from
love.  To hide. To conceal.
To love only for that moment
and hold onto that for as long as
you could, until YOU needed another fix.
Speaking of a fix...my fix nowadays is 
hazelnut coffee...when I met you I was
hooked on French Vanilla, after you
and I shared that cup of hazelnut, I was
hooked.  You are my cup of hazelnut
coffee.
I realized that I am so much of you.
I took so much with me, from you
through the years....not just a cup
of coffee......I hope you know that
much...
 
Love you Always, Always
~Kamela

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James-isms

"Come on yo. Let's play cards."
"What's for breakfast?"
"I'm coming over. You need anything?"
"What are you doing this weekend?"
"The truth, the truth, all up in your tooth."
"Let's play Monopoly."
"No talking after 8:00 on Sunday."
"Who sings that song? Let them sing it!"
"I love you."
"I'll give you a call sometime next week."
"Remind me not to forget." (He used to say this all the time. I know, made no sense.)
"Cagando!!"
"Wind your body right next to daddy." (When he would sing.)
 
I hope this helps.
Jasmine
 

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Friday, August 15, 2008

James-isms

in his loving memory, i would really like to do something special at the wedding that will be an inside joke for all of us:

i bought 30 plain black disposable cameras, and 2 metallic silver sharpies.

since my "theme" is "inwood & the park" and anyone who knows inwood knows that we are a ghetto in the midst of a huge gentrification (read: rich people are moving into buildings with lots of graffiti)

i want to graffiti the cameras with JAMES-ISMS.

in the front i will write d&z and our wedding date, and in the back i want write some of his quotes.

I NEED YOUR HELP!!

the challenge is that they need to be curse-free because the kids will be using most of them.

so, here is what i thought so far, but i really need your help to make this more authentic.

"where's the pasteles?"

"smile kak"

"say cheese, webbo head"

"come over already!"

"say SQUEEZE!"

"the music sucks at this wedding"

"bubbles are nice. i would have picked something else though"

"where's the hazelnut coffee?"


please leave me suggestions in the comments on this post!

xxzaidaxx

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Angels

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DIY = do it yo'self muthafucka

through every.single.step of this totally ghetto do-it-yourself wedding ive been asking you

so, what do you think?

you would have been as proud as daniel, sitting with us, as we cut and printed and knotted and glued each component of those invites. you would have mcgyver'd some shit just like we did when the envelopes were too fat to close.

i mean, who does their rsvps on postcards or online for gods sake?

umm. me.

you would have said, fuck it Zaida. that shit looks nice. it doesnt matter what they think, as long as you like it.

and i would have said, are you sure??

because you were my sounding board for everything.
you gave me the confidence i was lacking.
you co-signed my shit when it was good.
and told me it fucking sucked when it was bad.

i miss you more than ever, because you are supposed to be a part of this.

you are supposed to be my Man of Honor. you were supposed to be breaking night with us while we glued and cut and printed and playing music while we played with tulle and telling me that none of the puerto ricans are going to like the menu, it's too "fancy", and we should buy some arroz con gandules from the dominicans to save time and just say my aunt made them, and that all those white people wouldnt know the difference anyway.

and i would have told you that we cant cater anything in because its a restaurant and they wont allow it.

and you would have said, what are they going to do? make you throw it away? sneak that shit in, zaida. dont be such a pussy.

i love you, bebe. i love you more that i ever told you but i think you knew.

and if you didnt you def know now.

biatch.

xxzaidaxx

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Thank You All

 
 
I just truly wanted to thank everyone for loving and understanding my beautiful cousin especially with his condition that turned him into someone else we all didn't want to know. I'm sure everyone saw the difference especially those who knew him for a very long time. I couldn't understand how someone who was so loving and caring turn into this person who didn't give a shit about anything or anyone. There were times when he became a loner and seriously felt that no one cared about him, But then there was the side of him that no one could resist and I'm sure that is the person everyone loved and adored. He even had men in love with him. That was always fun. I remember when we were teenagers and he used to sleep over my house in brooklyn and we used to have these HUGE waterbugs and I tell you he would never want to go to the kitchen without me. He wouldn't even take a shower if I didn't sit on the toilet bowl and keep him company! One time I stood quiet as he talked and talked wh ich he was really good at, and all of a sudden he starts yelling my name "jasmine" " JASMINE"!!! I started laughing so hard. He was such a chicken shit! I miss him so much. We all share the same pain. If he was in your life then WE ARE ALL sharing that hurt. No One More.. No One Less. I have to say he knew so many people and I've heard so many stories of so many of you. Trust me they were all great stories..especially the ones of you Zaida. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who loved my beautiful cousin who was more of my brother than anything. I thank you guys so much and hope you all know he loved you guys right back because it was all he knew how to do..LOVE. God Bless you guys.    Jasmine aka Webo Head to James =)

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Grrr...I am angry!!!

TIme does not heal all wounds.
It makes it harder.
It hurts like freaking hell.
I makes you think,
It punches you in the gut,
everytime you realize your
loved one is gone.
It makes you miss them
in the dark, on his birthday,
when you smell vanilla,
when you see someone
you hope is him,
when a butterfly follows you
around, in the weirdest places,
when you hear George Michael,
you sit in your room and cry your our
eyes out...
It takes your breath away and you
can't breathe, you have to stop
and remember them as they were,
remember how they loved you and
how you when you think about it,
you spent your time together sufficiently...
You tell yourself, I'll be fine,
I will mss the hell out of him (my James),
but I will be fine...
Love you James,
~Kamela

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Such a good read...

So, Peter was looking through photos to make a collegue
for his apartment, mainly to humilate us.
Then all I heard was my name...
Peter was laughing awfully hard.
He had in his hands a handful of photos.
Photos of us...
They were pretty funny.
They were from my birthday, in 1999.
I couldn't believe it. 1999.
It seems so long ago, yet I remember it all.
You always gave the sweetest gifts.
Then there was a photo of you lying on the floor,
of your room on Pitt Street. lol It is pretty gaying
looking...Your lips were ever so pink and you eyes
those famous eyes, ever so blue.
You were such an old soul.  I always wonder how
could one get stuck in the past..now I know...
I remember the one book, it was a  novel, you read and made me
read, The Dark Half...such a good read...
You were such a good read. A great chapter in my life,
one that I can recall, at will.
I thank you for my memories...
 
Love Forever and a Day
~Kamela
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

--
~Kamela

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The strangest things happened

The weirdest thing happened to me
It was about two or three week after you died
I was walking with my sister from 42nd street to Bye Bye Baby on west 23rd street 
and this butterfly literally follow us from 42nd street to 23rd street
At first I didn't think anything of it, I just thought  it was really strange
We went into the store and it like the butterfly was waiting for us because
when we came back out it follow us from 23rd street to 34th street
and when I turn around it was gone for some reason I don't know why I thought about you.
A few weeks after that I had a dream about a bunch of butterflies
Strangest dream I've ever had or maybe not, but I dreamt I was in a
house that had this huge window and it was opened and out of nowhere
like a tornado a swarm of butterflies come in and left
 just like you would seen in a tornado
It was another week later I was at my cousin's house and went
into the bathroom and there was this butterfly, and I'm like
how this hell did this butterfly get in here when the widows are all close
very, very strange or maybe not.
Love you always
Erin
 
 

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Just Sad...


A saddness hangs over me.
I feel the most comfortable on
rainy days, it fits my mood and
I in turn, am normal.
I know I sound like a broken
record, like when I play my
Maxwell CD over and over,
when I say,
I miss you and days aren't the same.
I can not not think of you.  Is it any
different from when you were here,
and you were on mind my???
I know I am not the only one,
but why did this happen to me??
What could I have done differently,
I ask myself.  Nothing, probably.
When you made up your were
set in your ways.
 
I spoke to your Mom.
I dreaded calling her.
She was the one person,
I couldn't face.
That convo went to tears...
It hard to face anyone you've loved.
I feel responsible for you not being 
here...What could I have done??
Was it even up to me???
God, help me...Cause I can't 
do this alone...
My forever angel... 
Love Always, Always,
~Kamela

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Always thinking about you

There are days when you are constantly on my mind
And then there are days when you aren't so much because I get so caught up in what I'm doing
There are times when I'm sitting in my house and I'm saying to myself I just can't believe you are
no longer here, and that when I feel so helpless and the pain of you not being here hit again.
All I can do is sit there and cry, because I miss you so so much.
Sometimes I can't believe it still hurts so much even though it been a  while since you've been gone
It's like someone stole my heart and it will never be the same again.
Sometimes just to not feel the pain of you not being here I'll tell myself I don't want
to think about you today. But that is impossible everything reminds me of you.
It could be someone walking down the street, someone saying something or something on the TV.
Sometimes I'll smile  because I would remember something you said or did and sometimes I would feel sad
It's like you are everywhere and you are saying don't forget me.
I will never forget you, you had such a present when you walked into a room.
I know everyone you've known or ever met will never forget you.
You made people feel so comfortable, and you certainly knew how to make everyone
laugh with one of your crazy stories.
 
Love you, always James (kak)
Erin
 

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Monday, August 11, 2008

This heart of mine...

my heart you have taken with you.
i wanted more.
a lifetime more.
why.
did they need you more than i?
please. help me heal my broken heart.
talk to me and tell me it's ok.
i miss you.
it hurts.
the pain, palable enough to take my
breath away so many moments during the day...
 
Forever and a Day...
~Kamela

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wish you were here...

Hey buddy for the past two weeks I've been feeling so sad because I miss you so much
My birthday was two week ago, I was happy and sad at the same time
Happy because it was my birthday and sad because you aren't here.
I was so sad because I remembered when you surprised me with a cake for my birthday before 
No one had really done anything like this for me before, and that made me miss you even more
I kept wishing you were here to celebrate with me and everyone else, it was a lot of fun.
I just know if you were here, you would be here cracking jokes on me and everyone else
and making everyone laugh like you use too. 
Sammy birthday was last week and we went out to celebrate this weekend everyone had a really good time
I kept thinking how much I wish you were there with us.
I miss you so much
Love you always and forever
Erin
 

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

...............

My memories, now where will they lie.
They toss to and fro,
in my mind. They haunt me in the
"space between my ears", to quote you.
There is no understanding to quench my
thirst of questions, of wanting, of emptiness.
I don't believe any other could cause such a stir.
My mind hangs heavy and weights me down.
The tears, the drown me in my space, in the
race to overcome them, to not cry, to not be
weak and miss you, and not feel like I am the
only one in the world to lose the dearest person
to me.
My days now, are so quiet. I miss you laughter.
I miss you silence. I miss you awkward hello,
the way you act when I call you, like you don't
know who I am. I could never forget your voice.
Or mistake it with another. Your excitement.
Your anger. Your joy. Your pain. It was all you.
 
The days you lived, makes so much sense now.
All the pieces fit the puzzle.  And now your no where
around so that I can have my "ah ha" moment.
You caused so many of my "ah ha" moments.
I want you here. I am self fish and never be fulfilled...
 
Saddness consumes me.
 
 
Love you...
~Kamela
 
 
 
 
 

~Kamela

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Miss you...


James,
 
I'm not doing well without you here.
You were apart of my soul for sooo long.
And now you're gone.
I feel a part of me ripped out.
There's this hole, this hollowness.
I can't deal.
It hurts so bad. My heart isn't the same.
I went camping this weekend and had a great time.
I dreamt of you last night.
....I dreamt that you had died and had one chance to
come back and you came back and we were
talking and it felt so good. But then you had to go back
because you had a limited time to be here......
I woke up  hysterically crying. I felt you so much today.
I miss you.
This can't be happening. Not you, anyone but you....
 
I miss you, my forever angel....
~Kamela

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Been A While

I ts  been a few weeks since I last posted on the blog

It hasn’t been easy but it hasn’t been hard either

The days are getting better little by little

But what 's  growing is the missing you and wishing you were here

I still think about you everyday, sometimes I can’t sleep

I play with my cell phone until I fall a sleep

There are so many memories of you, sometimes I laugh other times I’m like “DAMN”!!!

It stills feels like you are on vacation somewhat

I wont allow myself to accept the fact you are gone at times

It’s been a while James, I’m just like damn

My best friend I miss you sooo much

 

Taking it back to 2004

Love You Miss You

***Manta***

 

photo

 
 

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Don't wanna...

I don't wanna forget.
I don't wanna forget the sound of your voice,
the smile on your face,
your sense of humor,
your outlandish personality,
your quiet moments,
the way you thought of me.
I should have had that cup of coffee with you.
I look for you in usual places.
I see you everywhere....
I hear you everywhere,
on the radio, down the street...
but it's not true...it's all a blurr
Did You fool us all?
You made us fall in love with you.
Fall in love with music,
that everytime we hear Stevie,
we pause to honor you, not him.
Because you knew we would.
We know no better, no less than
that.
 
FFNAD
~Kamela

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Strange things......

The strangest thing happened...
I was at the beach yesterday with Christian.
I was swimming in the water, yeah I swim now.
And I was neck deep in the water and
there was a butterfly fluttering around in the
ocean, above my head and fluttering all around me.
It was the strangest thing...
I don't believe butterflies hang out at the
beach much less in the ocean.
I automatically thought of you.
It was nice.
Was it really you???
Could it have been your spirit??
Does this really happen or
do we force the "signs".
Are you really comforting us??
Cause I really hope so.
I'll take your visits anytime,
anyplace.
I'll take anything you give,
I always did..
Miss you buddy!!
 
 Love always
~Kamela

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Still Missing you

You were on my mind  a lot this weekend,
It is still so hard not having you here James
I miss you so much, there isn't a day that goes by I don't think of you.
Things aren't the same here without you especially at work
There is always something or someone that reminds me of you
I'm always catching myself saying if James were here he would do this or he would say that...
I miss you coming to my desk and asking me come get coffee with you
I miss you especially on Fridays when me Toni and Sammy are leaving from work
and you'd be like so where you going? where you going? where you bitches going huh lol
why you all didn't invite me huh, even though you knew you weren't going to come
That was so funny, you were a handful but we loved you because of who you were
Miss you and Love you always
 
Erin

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like today

there are certain days i feel you and think of you and remember you more often than others.

i want to believe that you are doing your rounds, so when i feel you most it's only because it's my turn.

between yesterday and today, it's been overwhelming. 

xx zaida xx

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Friday, August 1, 2008

You.....


I know you've been following me around, lately.
(just like ole times)
I was in starbucks last evening,
and I felt someone ever-so-slightly
brush by me. I moved aside and looked
to make sure that I wasn't in the person's
way.  And there was no one there....
But I know that I felt someone.
 
This morning on the train,
there was an empty seat beside me.
As there usually there is.
But today I looked to that seat and felt you
sitting beside me. 
 
I know that I'm not crazy or lossing my
mind, but I feel you. I do. It kills me.
 
 

Forever 'n a day...
~Kamela

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