Consumed by you I am.
Not by placing mind in thoughts, but
incidental. Coincidental Transindental...By every other random thought.
Through my dreams.
The one that woke me 8:59 a.m.
I awoke with a pain searing through my
chest, through my lungs, to my heart-cutting it-
slashing it-then working it's way back out.
It's a paralyzing familiar pain.
it crushes my chest with the weight of
a human foot crushing an ant-yet the ant manages to
wriggle it's way into the creases of that foot-to save face-
just to head right back out there.
In my dream...
you came to where I work.
I saw you and had to speak to you.
I know the future and what damaging
effects it had and I had to save myself-
I watched you walk out and followed you.
I called at you and, you turned and walked back to me.
You stood in front of me. Towering your six foot two inch
body over mine. Blocking the sun from my face when you
sifted weight from one foot to the other, as you sometimes did.
Your arms, followed your hands as they placed themselves at your
hips. Though you looked past me, I still felt you and smelled vanilla.
I stutterd as I spoke, not because I was nervous, but because, I knew
these were my only words to you. I knew what was to come.
"I wanted...I ...I need you ....to know....to know....that.....I....I...
that I love you...." How self-fish was I???? It sickens me....
That I needed to tell you that, why???? was it because I didn't want to
feel the way I do right now??? I didn't want the grief to follow me home???
I didn't want the sadness to circle it grips around my neck at night???
Augh!! I am so disgusted right now....
But you followed with: " it's too late" As you looked past me....I awoke at 8:59 a.m.
~Devastatedly Kamela
Monday, December 1, 2008
It's too late...is all you said...
Thursday, November 27, 2008
................
Hey there....
It's a quiet day in my head today.
Everything else is buzzing, but I feel quiet today.
You have always given me so much to be thankful for,
good or bad, I was thankful for it.
I'll think of you much and smile to myself.
I remember thanksgiving at Maureen's house,
talk about crazy!! Between You, the kids and the older
folks it was crazy and I remember sitting back just watching,
and thinking this is what it's all about!!!
A big family where the men fight about football, the kids run around
screaming, the Moms talk about who made what and who's taste
better, and the grandma's walk around saying "ehh, whadaya say???"
I am thankful you allowed me to be part of that.
Things are destined to change.
Lives must change.
We have no choice but accept it and move on.
But I won't. I can't. at least not right now.
It's not ok that you're not here.
It's not comfortable, your absence.
And I won't be fine with you gone.
So I just need everyone else to be ok with
me not being ok right now.
I don't want to explain to death why my head is hung so low.
I don't want to tell you why my eyes are puffy and red, and
besides I have no strength and you will never understand,
although you say you so, you don't and won't.
Just don't ask...
Instead I'll talk to the one person who knows how I feel.
I came across a letter you wrote to me.
I must have gone through my box 50 times already.
And I never before found this particular letter.
You wrote it to me when my Dad passed.
You said you understood how I felt to lose someone
and you said it was ok to cry. That it was expected.
You said that you know how it feels to want to have
that person here to have them witness your life.
But that in time I would have to continue on, and
to know that you love me. So I will gladly take
what you gave me and be thankful just to have known you
much less love you......FAAD
~~Kamela~~
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Missing you so much...
Monday, November 24, 2008
"i'm so lost without you"
i dont ever want to get comfortable with you not being here.
not ever. not until the day i die.
last week, you played a trick on us. i know it was you. nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
daniel and i went grocery shopping. it was the first time i was actually feeling like a normal human being in weeks. no morning sickness, no migraines, no crankiness. it was a rare treat. it was just two of us, me and my husband, unpacking the compra on to the counter, bantering, teasing, flirting, goofing off.
we were there maybe 5 minutes tops, when suddenly the cd player in the kitchen turned itself on and started playing.
the song was: "better when we're together"
here's the thing - that fucking cd player hasnt worked in YEARS. it's one you and i bought together, james. i keep it in the kitchen because i like listening to the radio when im washing dishes or doing laundry. daniel listens to his classic rock station when he's cooking. i know i used to tease you about having a cd player in your bathroom when my shit was just the same, only in a different room. a few days before that night i was complaining about all the commercials and how much i hate the radio, and daniel did something to the crystal or whatever that gets the cd to play. it worked. all these years without playing cds and he fixed it in 2 seconds. the problem is that we put every cd we owned in storage, except for the one that ryan tried to play not knowing it didnt work. we didnt know he left it in there, but there it was, and now it was playing.
so we are standing in the kitchen, laughing, and all of a sudden all by itself this fucking cd starts playing and it's a song about a couple who is always better when they are together.
and i asked daniel, how did you do that? how did you turn it on from over there? did you find the remote?
and he was all i thought you turned it on?
and im all but im standing right here and youre looking at me theres no way i could turn it on without you seeing me
and he looked at me and i looked at him and i started to cry
oh man i cried and cried and he hugged me and i cried oh my god it's james it's james he heard me today oh james i miss you so much and i cried more while daniel held me tight
see, i had been thinking about you all that day. i had been asking you to help me with something, to give me a sign, to show me that you still exist, if not here then close where you can hear my heart and my thoughts and my prayers - if you can hear me just tell me show me something familiar
and right at the perfect moment, when i was feeling uber happiness, you played a song on the cd player for us
we we all know how much you communicated your feelings through music
how much music touched you, how much you appreciated the lyric the melody the soul coming from the singers the songwriters how you would tear up when you heard the perfect verse
how you would hit rewind in case we missed it the first time
and how many times i didnt tell you that you were my music i never heard more music alone than when i was with you and how one of the last things we purchased together was that 70's CD boxset collection with barry manilow and the bee gee's and all those other corny fuckers. remember that night? we kept watching that informercial over and over again and you said we should buy it we should split it that you would download it all to your ipod then i can take the cds and we'd share it
it's been almost a week, and that cd player keeps turning on by itself, when im alone, when im thinking of you.
daniel thinks it's a short circuit, and i say bullshit.
you and i sang this song, that night, watching that informercial in the dark, acting silly. and we coudlnt remember who sang it, because the name hadnt scrolled across the screen. yea, we kept hitting rewind, and then we finally caved:
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
Chorus:
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
xxzaidaxx
Maxwell!!!!
Hey I just got back from the Maxwell
concert.
It was inspiring...
I loved it.
It was definitely a different Maxwell.
He wasn't the same as when you and
I saw him.
But of course you followed me there...
There were these people sitting behind us
and for an hour the kept talking about their
friend...his name was James...
So all I heard for an hour was
James...blah....blah...James...blah...blah...James...
blah....blah....James...blah...blah...James...
My life never ceases to amaze me! lol
I was like you motherhella...lol
I laughed...what more was I to do?!?
But it was good.
Maxwell started out with "Get to know ya",
like I knew he would and ended with "Ascension"
He left my knees weak!!
I was singing every word...dancing...it was intense!
It was a good shift in spirit, in thoughts,
in gravity...
oxoxoxoxox
~Kamela
Sunday, November 23, 2008
exhale....
I got it back.
I can't believe you kept the other half,
all these years.
Now the book can be whole again.
It sat on your self,
the way it sat on mine.
Half of a whole.
Incomplete.
Not knowing what fumble came next.
Reaching.
Searching.
Climbing.
Who dares to do that?
To be brave and know that you deserve better.
That He deserved better.
That She deserved better.
Better. Better. Better.
Now what?
Who's to say that this "better" is "better"?
Now that words makes no sense.
Say it enough times and it sounds like...
an exhale...
I love you.
Kamela
Friday, November 21, 2008
...
Ok, I'm feeling a little crazy lately.
I was out for lunch in SoHo today around
1ish, and I nearly fell over cuz I thought I saw
you. This is sooo not cool, dude.
Why do ya keep hanging around me?
I mean I really don't mind! I never did, but
I'm feelin just a little overwhelmed right now,
ya know, with you being gone and all the dreams,
and thoughts, and just feeling you around me, alot.
For my sanity,
I hope you're driving everyone else just as crazy!
Cuz this is just crazy!
Maybe I just miss you too much!
You're my oldest friend, my closest friend. And you were
such a big part of my life for a long while, and then after that
you stayed constant. And I guess now thinking about it, this is
all normal. I just miss someone who was and is very important to me.
James Shawn Agostini, I would never in a million years thought I would
have to face forever with you.
Ok...now that I'm rationalizing everything out loud, it doesn't sound too. bad.
Then I think what would I tell someone else in my shoes???
I would say...
That this is normal.
That you are going through one of the most difficult times in your life.
I would say that death is never easy to deal with,
especially when it is unexpected.
I would say that all your fears, all your feelings are the layers of the relationship
that you shared.
I would say that it is ok to cry.
Crying is just making room for healing, understanding, and acceptance.
I would say take your time and don't rush this time.
Because these feelings will the strongest and the freshest right now.
Hold onto the great memories and make a place for them because you'll need them
again to remind you, and keep you close to them....
So feel this all, take it all in...
In the end you'll be fine!
~Kamela
Thursday, November 20, 2008
:/
I miss you.
I miss everything.
I'm not doing well right.
I had a "James Moment" just a few moments ago
with Kim, myself, Jack Ryan and the phone.
It was so silly. And it was you reincarnated.
It was loud and out of control and fun.
It was soooo how it used to be between the three of us.
And I miss that.
I miss talking to you about baseball.
I miss you ranting to me about baseball, about...about...what?!?!?!?
nothing. damn nothing. Because we could do that, just be on the phone and
talk about nothing. It was nice.
oxoxo
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Odds and Ends...
OMG!!!! the puzzles.
the puzzles.
the puzzles drove me insane!!
I bought for you at
Christmas.
Birthdays.
Or just any plain
old ordinary day.
I miss the puzzles.
You had the time.
The patience, I never had. lol
Love,
~Kamela
Monday, November 17, 2008
Always...
I had a moment of peace.
I woke up with silence between these
spaces of mine...
got on the train and headed to school.
then came a guy on the train,
doing what he needed to survive.
He then belted out the sweetness of Stevie.
"I'll be loving you...always"
I smiled. A guy saw me smile and smiled as well,
he had his own reason for smiling. Someone he loved,
this song reminded him of. Someone good. Someone pure.
Someone he knew that loved him, always.
I sighed.
I smiled.
Continued reading my book.
Then got off the train...
Always,
~Kamela
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I am...
"How soon my sorrow hath destroyed my face."
Williams Shakespeare
I am sad because I miss you.
I miss you because you are not here.
You are not here, and I am sad.
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Not for long....
Well, so much for peace of mind.
That didn't last 15 minutes!
Dammit~!
I'm there again.
In that dark place.
How do I find myself there??????
I need reason.
I need sanity!!!
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My letter of Solace...
My dearest James.
I have found my conviction tonight.
I have discovered the root of the death of part of me.
It has been you.
It has always been you.
Since that day I felt that I have lost my mind.
I lost a part of me.
And I did.
I lost you.
You have embodied to me so much more than who you were.
You stood for so many, many things.
I need to forgive me.
I forgave you.
Now it's my turn.
I need to say that
I am sorry
I am sorry that I let you down,
But that name you gave me, was too much to bear.
I am just a girl.
And I feel that you know it's not my fault.
It's not anyone's fault.
It just is.
It doesn't change anything in my mind and heart for you.
I see now.
I can close my eyes tonight for the first time in five months and
sleep.
And I feel you right now.
I feel a weight has been lifted. One that has stifled me.
Suffocated me.
Now that I have come to terms with the act of forgiving of myself,
I will work on doing so.
I anticipate it being harder than forgiving someone else.
But I know you, you were sweet and kind.
And if given the chance, you would not want anyone person to bear any pain or sorrow of life's chances that are out of our hands.
I understand that now.
I feel at ease. I am still.
Thanks for talking some sense into me...My Forever Angel
I love you always.
~Kamela
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Crazy...
Reading Zaida blog post my mind ran wild and my memories...
memoires of you chased me down......
21!
Before I meet you my favorite number was and still is 21!
It started with Kevin Elster.
Yup. I was a Met fan at the age of 10 and fell in loooove with
Kevin Elster... lol
Then I met you and your obsession was 21. Roger Clements. 21.
And you were convinced that I liked it because of you. You were so
full of yourself.
Then came the obsession. Your mind was drawn to the clock at every
21.
Look Kamela, 21. It's 4:21
5:21
6:21
7:21
8:21
9:21
I thought you were crazy then
and I think you were crazy the last time I spoke to you.
This is hard.
I come here hoping to be close to you.
I feel sick right now.
I guess now I'll be the one getting those sick feelings in my stomach.
This is crazy.
How can you miss all of this??
Why couldn't you stay a little longer??
James, we need you here.
I need you here.
You were, are such a big part of my life.
I wanted you to see me through it all.
I need you to keep me calm and tell me when I'm being
a bitch, although you'd never call me one to my face.
I miss you being on the other side of the phone.
Eleven years ago, you meet a bunch of us.
How are we to face the next eleven years without you, James??
I can't. I can't do this...
Love,
~Kamela
414
dearest james,
i wont deny that it feels a bit odd to write you this letter when i talk to you every day.
mostly in the shower, when im alone, and my mind is quiet.
i keep thinking about when we used to hang out at pitt street. how'd you convince me to stay for days, and you made me one of the guys - with felix and victor in tow. i remember when you bought your first dvd player, and made us watch porn, so over the moon you were about the slow-mo button. the hundreds of cd's you owned, the way you banged on the neighbors door each time we left.
then your dream came true, and you got the place in battery. i dont think i had see you happier then that moment when we first walked in. we shopped for your furniture, and you drove me crazy, and you threw shit across the room when it wouldnt build perfectly. all your strange quirks that made total sense to just you.
i think about all the times you helped me moved, and how much your organizational skills were so missed this time around.
"You have too much shit, Zaida. Throw this garbage out!" you would yell.
did you know that at 414 i would deliberately move stuff around, and out of place, just to annoy you?
it was funny to watch you get up riled up about it.
i miss you terribly, and love you too much.
xxzaidaxx
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Just wanted to say...
James,
Miss you these days.
You're the first person besides those with me that I wanted to call and tell the craziness that
I did!!!
I am sooo not sure how you would react to me jumping out of a plane!!
It was absolutely horrible and exhilarating at the same time!!!
I cried the entire way up on the plane and screamed all the way down.
It was the most insane thing I've ever done, well except for other thing, but this was way more
fun!!!!
I've been needing your advice lately.
I can't comprehend the fact that there is no reaching you.
There's no me talking to you. And you actually answering me. No you bothering me.
No us talking for hours, just to fill a void, the one where we miss the other's
company.
You know that you were one of my most closest friends. Although you denied it, you
were a part of my life that there was no letting go of. No letting go. I thought there
were so many, many days to experience together and to learn about each other.
I love you soooo much and you're gone and I am so broken-hearted. So broken,
but you're absence has changed me. I never, never wanted you out of my life, and this
is an evil joke. But you've changed me. I've always wanted more out of life, but you had it all.
You had the loves of your life. You have a beautiful child. You have a great, great family that I was
honored to know for so long and continue to know, always, always, and love. You traveled and sent me
postcards of your travels. You worked and lived and strived. The proudest moment I had for you was when you
choose you. You choose to work and build a future. But you did it all. And now more than ever I want it all.
With no fear, because what's the worst that could happened...I've loved head first, fallen and loved again and
again, I've had many to love me, again and again. I've strived and will continue to strive...
James you are inspiring. You always have been. I love and miss you,
Your Pal,
~Kamela
--
~Kamela
Friday, October 31, 2008
Dreams
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
YAY! PHILLIES!!!
Well, James...
I know you're loving this World Series!!!!
First of all, the Yankees aren't in it!
Second of all it's real baseball!!
It's playing in the rain,
everyone has a fair chance,
and one team is not hoarding everything!! lol.
Miss your annoyin me about how much the Yankees
suuuuuuck!! lol...
~Kamela
You again...
You were in my dreams early this morning...
I went to meet you at the Law Dept. and when I saw
you, I gave you the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go.
You walked around with me still attached to your neck. lol.
Then you took me around to the courts in the Bronx and
Brooklyn and I was helping you do stuff like old times.
Making hundreds of copies, stapling..acting like I worked
there, lol.
And I woke up in a cold sweat. My clothes were drenched.
My heart was beating and the tears, I cried in my sleep.
God, this felt so, so, so real.
Just when I thought I was feeling ok,
the very second that the cloud of sadness didn't
decide to swallow me whole, yesterday,like the past 4 months.
I feel you again. I feel the sadness. I feel the need
to speak to you. Feeling lost again...
Just to speak to you again. To see your silly face.
Even to annoy me, would be the best.
James. I miss you.
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Won't forget...so you don't have to remind me...
I found you, JSA, in the most random place!!
just sitting there, while as I go on with my day...
how could this be??? Don't worry I will never forget you!! lol..
--
~Kamela
Monday, October 27, 2008
Miss you...
SIx months later...
wounds still raw.
but I see healing
coming towards me...
Healing comes with pain.
Always did, no different than
any other time...
I miss you, James!
Love,
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Miss you...
I was driving home yesterday and we
were on the west side.
And I remember when last I was there...
I thought of you...
it was the longest drive of my life...
The very moment I heard "Fortunate"
on the radio.
It was sooo very weird,
it hit my heart hard.
It was a James moment,
3 minutes and 44 seconds.
I miss you!
FAAD
~Kamela
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thoughts
Hi! Haven’t been on this blog in a while. I miss him. I miss you James
You are in my thoughts every day. It’s like a roller coaster ride, One day I’m cool, the next day I’m lost and confused. Every time I think about that day my heart falls. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m just in a down mood I guess. So many things are running through my mind.
Just wanted to say I miss you. And I know that you are happy and in a better place.
Love Always
***Manta**
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
OK...
I am very angry.
I am finally certain that what I feel is ok.
It's normal.
And I will be ok.
There will come a day when I won't cry as much.
Where I won't hurt when I think of you.
This is my time to cry for you.
This is my time for my soul, through my tears,
to make its finally connection to you that will link us forever.
Did I think it would be easy to let you go for an eternity??
When it took me so long to let you go from my side.
I am doing the best that I can at this present moment with what I have,
or have not,
which is you.
Though I am not the same person as I was in the begininng of this year,
I have changed ten times in this past decade.
And I have survived.
I have smiled again and again.
I have cried, wiped my face, and kept moving.
I will be OK.
God willing. As God has provided for me in the past.
He will provide for me again.
Love,
~Kamela
........
I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME GET OUTSIDE MY OWN HEAD!!
Fill me up.
Weight me down.
Cuss my mind.
Stop my breathe.
Take the air.
It's stiffling. It thick.
My body lays weak and numb.
Nothing is the same.
Can you see me?
You know what is happening to me, don't you?
Will you eleviate some of this?
Please take some of this burden...
Get me outside my head,
outside this body that feels not much anymore,
outside these low riding clouds.
I used to love the sunshine.
Allow me to smile.
To smile again.
To feel whole again.
~Kamela
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Maxwell.......
I know you probably know that Maxwell was in town this week!!
I knooooow!! I was sooo excited when I first heard!!
I remember when you took me.
Kim was there too.
I still have the pics from that night.
It was quite an amazing experience.
Everyone was crying and singing along!! That was either really sweet and
moving or reaaaally pansey of us all!! lol.
I am sad that I didn't get a chance to see him this time around.
I would have definitely liked for us to go. It would have been nice.
But you know what, I'm not sure how I would react to him with his new look.
I know that he's the same, and you say he's gay, just to bother me, cuz you know
I wouldn't mind marrying him. lololol. But the hair was so much part of the sex appeal of him.
It just came to mind, I'm glad I kept the Maxwell DVD you let me borrow last year!! :P
I went to another wedding last night. The fourth this year!!! I guess everyone's got the bug!!
But it was quite beautiful and they actually played the Maxwell song, you know "the one"
And I cried....played it off like I was crying bc of the occasion...lol
They actually played a few and all the girls were singing along, word for word!!
Dude, I'm really stressed out... You not here...it's hard....I'm not doing to well without my Pal.
I hold that close to my heart, you and I being Pals!!! I still have on my desk that red vase you
gave me that says "Friend, Pal and Buddy". I never told you because I didn't want you to get a
big head!! We all know how easy that happens!!
~Well my dear,
Goodnight...
Sweet Dreams...
Kamela...
Monday, October 6, 2008
...
Wanted to speak to someone.
Picked up my phone...
to call you...
I'm miss you keeping me company,
walking with me when I need someone.
JAMES.
~Kamela
I miss you soooo much
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Just plain tears....
tonight is a tough one.
I'm all tears...
being snotty nose and
swollen eyed, eyeliner
smeared face...
I can't accept it.
I can't deal with you
being gone...
A part of my being has gone with
you. A part of my becoming...
You knew me when I was the angry,
tough, and hard to "get through girl".
But you still smiled.... and I smiled.
And I'm glad I said my "Im sorries" to
you. That I'm sorry I didn't
know any better, and I did the best with what I had.
I'm glad we grew together and taught each other
how to be...
how to be still...
how to love...
how to not stay mad...
how to love the little things of
life and love...
how to be romantic...
how to love heart first
and fall head first...
how to fight and make up...
I'm glad we fought and made up...
friends first and always...
I'm glad I told you how much you
mean and meant to me.
I a mess and I miss you..... :(
~Kamela
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Goon or Scrub???
I need advice then again I know
exactly, EXACTLY what you would
tell me!!!
first you would out calling me daaaling...
then you would end with calling me a
goon or scrub...because I wouldn't see
the rational side of things...and because
I'm a girl....and because it involves a boy...
I'll always be a goon and a scrub...
anything that keeps you near my thoughts!!
P.S. thanks for the advice!
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxooxooxoxo
~Kamela
........
I just heard something and
you tuggged at my heart
it really hurts..
all the time...
whenever...
wherever...
whatever...
for a moment I couldn't
breathe.
At times it feels ok to breathe
other times...I get caught up...
the air stops and the tears
flood my eyes, my soul, my cheeks.
I heard those words...the very same words
you said once to me...how is this possible????
How can one moment in time replay itself in
my present reality????
ok, now I think I've lost it...
Isn't it said that each time we say a sentence
that it is novel and no one has ever said it
before you and no will say it after you???
what the hell man???
I miss you James!!
LFAAD
~Kamela
i hate moving on.
there are so many things you are missing.
some good, some bad, some just so absurd it's fucking funny.
all this time has passed, and still i get the urge to call your cell phone and tell you
you're not going to believe this shit, james.
is it possible to really be still in denial?
to hope youre still on vacation at some exotic location?
oh shit that rhymed, you would have appreciated that.
sometimes im just walking around doing something and i will burst into tears missing you so much.
we are moving again, against our will this time, so im back to packing.
bastards told us we'd have to give up hunter or move.
imagine? our sweet hunter...?
god, i dread packing.
and im sure that i will come across something that's yours
or something you gave me
or something we picked up when we were together
or a letter
or a card
or a picture
it's going to be another long day without you.
xxzaidaxx
Friday, October 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Hi!
I finally saw you in a dream last week. We were in the park playing catch for a long while. After the park I was at home sleeping and you called me from your battery park apartment talking about “Lets go to the Club” I stated I was sleepy and you called me a “BURGER”. I said “what club James?” You replied “The club on NewKirk”
That was crazy because I just move to Brooklyn and you always use to say “I’m not going to Brooklyn to see you Bitch if you move to Brooklyn” All I was thinking in my sleep what the hell James knows about the club on Newkirk. Funny dream it was!
I miss you James
I can’t even think about you being gone. I just push it in the back of my head.
Anyway
Love You!
***Manta***
Monday, September 29, 2008
Fwd: FW: F A M I L Y
F A M I L Y
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
'Oh excuse me please' was my reply.
He said, 'Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you.'
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
'Move out of the way,' I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
'While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.'
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
'Wake up, little one, wake up,' I said.
'Are these the flowers you picked for me?'
He smiled, 'I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue.'
I said, 'Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way.'
He said, 'Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway.'
I said, 'Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.'
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?
So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
Pass this message to 7 people except you and me ..
You will receive a miracle tomorrow.
Don't ignore and God will bless you
~Kamela
Miss you still....
I missed you alot today.
Last night you were in my dreams,
it was you and Jordyn.
I cried alot in this dream bc
you were trying to prepare
everything because you knew
you were going to leave us.
Ans you needed to make sure that
Jordyn would be taken cared of.
And I tried my hardest but,
you didn't want me to, because it
would be too hard for me.
I told you how could I not????
I took care of him when she was younger,
we went to the park, I combed her hair,
fell asleep together. I told you and know that
No hardship to myself
mattered of matters to me...
I woke up this morning, had no class
today, but needed my friend today,
my buddy,, my pal...got some news,
needed you to assure me it's no big deal...
I sat and cried...I need you here!!
Had lunch...watched some music vidoes
Back to back to back...played
Ribon Thicke, MJ, and Alicia Keys..
I remember how jealous you got when
I told you that I meant Alicia Keys
and spoke to her and told you how nice
she was.
The first thing you asked was,
"Well, is it really big??"
I thought what a jerk!! lol
And yes it was everything you hoped for...
I remember one day when you called me
just to tell me how great you thought
Robin Thicke is, and gave me the low down
on him :)
When it rains you, it pours you.
I miss you...
Love Always
~Kamela
Thursday, September 25, 2008
........
Ok, James, we know the Yankees suck!!!
I thought I missed a call from you taunting me lol
Yea...well this if the first time since 1995 since the
Yankees didn't not make it to the post season.
It's gonna be weird?!!? I know you had to have
something to do with that..."angels in the outfield..."lol
Your boys though, they hustled and clinched!!
They made it into the post season...we'll see!
oxox
~Kamela
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Crazy hair cuts
Strange moment (Your Desk)
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Just One more thought...
"That's not the way you dooooo it, darling"
"I know that newspaper is not on my couch!"
" Wow, did you see that?? Now that's a sexy mamma jamma"
"Not matter how you look at it, I'm the Whitest Black person you'll ever meet"
"Yo, you gotta hear this song!!"
"Ok, just one more song.'
"This is the last song, I promise you!"
"Thanks, for being a sport"
"You're my pal, you know that?"
"Come oooon, let's go!"
"Can I stay ova??"
"You're mom's cooking curry? no? well she is now!!"
...
Now, it's definitely Goodnight! :)
FAAD
~Kamela
Monday, September 22, 2008
keeping up with the grunes' clan
we all did, you bastard. i so still wanna kick your ass, you have no idea.
so, we are starting to leak the news more and more about our TWINS!! i told veronica the night of the wedding - and she had a dream that she lost a tooth which meant a baby - turns out its us! what the hell. this was the last thing we expected but it's a huge blessing. we are sooo scared and nervous. i started another blog diary about the twins, of course, cause we need to keep track of every single second. i actually wish i started sooner - the day we found out - well i should say those two weeks during right before the wedding when you stalked me like crazy in my dreams - and you told me to take the pregnancy test and i did - POSITIVE and i told you to take care of it and you did - 4 days before the wedding the doctor said TWINS. and now we are 10 weeks - still not officially in the clear but it's so hard to hide the huge belly bump already. i thought i could being a "muffin top" and shit, but not really.
and i started writing again, regularly. all the things i used to tell you privately. all of our sex talks. all of our secrets.
it's nice to be able to share again.
i want to believe that you played a really big part in giving us the chiclets.
there's no other reason for it - so of course im going to blame you, as always.
i love you, darlin.
thank you.
xxzaidaxx
Sunday, September 21, 2008
My Tenderoni....lol
James you were the One! The only guy I know who ever talked
about a "tenderoni". Guys nowadays don't talk about love,
being in love, being in love with a "lady".
If James called you his lady, you were pretty lucky.
No guy brings you flowers bc they want to.
Guys don't think about you when they see something
that reminds them of you and someone else would deems insignificant.
Love means not much these days.
It's an inconvenience, a hassle, no one feels anything any more
bc they are afraid to get hurt.
getting hurt is part of it.
A brokenheart...no one goes looking for one,
but to not love bc your afraid, please!
To feel love grow inside you, to hold it,
have it hold you. That's the best!!
For James, for back in the day...wish you were here...you make me smile...
over and over again! Thank you...
"The truth about Roni, she's a sweet little girl
You could treat her real nice and hold her tight
Only tender ronis can give special love
A special kind of love that makes you feel good inside
If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love
My heart (ouh) belongs to tender roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart, baby)
My heart (Yeah) belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love
The truth about Roni, she's always on the phone
Talkin' to her homeboy, wishin' they were home alone, ooh
She send you lovely letters with the smell of sweet perfume
This is what a real tender roni likes to do to you
And if you believe in love and all that it can do for you
Give it a chance, girl, you'll find romance
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love
The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wild world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life
If you believe in love and all that it can do for you
And if you find a tender roni that is right for you
Make it official, give her your love, ooh, yeah
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only lover)
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love
The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life
My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love (My only heart)
My heart belongs to a roni (She's my only love)
She's my only love
The truth about Roni, she's a sweet ol' girl
About the sweetest little girl in the whole wide world
She'll make the toughest homeboy fall deep in love
Said once you had a Roni you will never give her up
She's a special kind of girl that makes her daddy feel proud
You know the kinda girl that stands out in crowds
Found a tender roni and the Roni is so right
I think I'm gonna love her for the rest of my life
My heart belongs to a roni
She's my only love"
Bobby Brown...
For all the loves of James' life...all the woman in his life...
--
~Kamela
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Playlist...
Stevie is about love.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Miss You Dearly
Sunday, September 14, 2008
James and the giant peach fuzz!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Wedding!
Oh My! It was bitter but sooo sweet.. Bitter because James wasn’t there physically sooo sweet because Zadia & Daniel are married and sooo happy. I know you were looking down on this one James. Oh my! They took it way back with the ole sckol candy, I was hype. The cameras with the “Jamesism” statements was FUNNY! James I wish so much that your were there. It was beautiful and fun.
I wanted to cry soon as I saw Zadia. I’m sure we all felt the same way. Your family was there, Jack is crazy, he reminds me of you James. Your sister had me laughing so hard, Veronica had me laughing as well. What had me really cracking up is your mom, on my way out she had me laughing, I didn’t want to leave.
It was wonderful sharing thoughts and memories about you with people who love you will always will. We had a good time. I was feeling “NIZCE” as you and Toni will say.
To Zadia & Daniel, Carlos and I aren’t Jewish but please believe we went home saying “I want a wedding like that” LOL It was really beautiful and creative. I LOVED IT.
The Wedding
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sunday September 07, 2008
Love You!!!
~Kamela
Friday, September 5, 2008
Dreaming of you
hi buddy,
ive been hella nervous and have been talking to you daily and you have been with me almost every night so thank you.
you even inspired me to start blogging again, for real this time, like back in the day, when you refused to read my stories because like you used to say
i live this shit - i dont need another fucking recap!
i love you james,
xxzaidaxx
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Smiles All around...
Love you...
~Kamela
