"you're only puerto rican when you have to fill out a form."

you work too much, you said. life is too short, zaida. you gotta have fun. come on, come over!

but i have a child that needs new clothes and sneakers and lunch money and school supplies, and i have bills up to my eyeballs, and i want daniel to do what he loves and that means cooking 9 hours a day and that always means a smaller paycheck, and my puppies havent gone to the vet in a year, and we cant afford health insurance so that cavity is getting worse, and the eviction is never-ending and the lawyers are costing $300/hr, and...

the wedding.

im missing out on life with all this working.
i have for a long time.
there is always some bill to be paid, some shit to be done.
some piece of shit cheap thing i bought that needs to be replaced.
probably from ikea.

im tired and cranky and i want to bitch and moan to you, james, because you always had a funny come back and my crying of frustration would end up in tears of laughter and joy.

saturday night i had a dream with just me you and ryan. ryan was much older, and you took us to some indoor fair of some sort, like they have at javits, and it was mostly furniture and such, and you walked us around the booths, ooohing and ahhing. you said you needed to go to florida to pick up your bookcase (or armoir, something like that) and when i pointed to all the new ones you said no, you wanted the one you had. you suggested that on our way to florida we dropped ryan off in college or his new home out of state dunno, and then pick up your bookcase and drive back. again i said, just buy a new one! and again you said,

shuddap-a-your-face! it will be fun. youre driving.

and i woke up crying because you had this attachment to everything you owned. every single thing had a story, some background, someone or funny story was associated with it - to us it was just furniture - but to you it was the time we went to ikea when you first moved to battery and you were so hyped and made of fun of how now im the only one living in the ghetto. and so we bought a ton of shit and tried to put it together and that took all weekend because there was a song to be played or a movie to be watched or a cake to be made. so we picked out and bought the bar stools and your bed and the rug and and the cabinets with the glass and why you gotta bite me, yo? step off my dick son. as if you are the only person to ever buy shit from ikea. and how we put the glass in the wrong way and you said nobody will notice. our secret. and how many times we rearranged your bedroom because it was driving you crazy, and like how we went to buy that eggplant sofa that you were stalking and you forced me to drive all the way downtown just to see it because you were in love yet again, and i brought ryan and we were all like, purple? really?

or how whenever i was there you never used the dishwasher except to let the dishes dry or how you went estamos boosting because you didnt want to spend money or how you kept the "good toilet paper" on the top left hand shelf where i couldnt reach and told me that it was for special girls only and i didnt count, oh and that i peed too much stop drinking already.

or how you told ryan a different story about the cut on your chin.

every.
single.
time.

or how i gave you the vibrating bullet i got as a gift from one of my lovers, after you wouldnt put it down i might add, and you bothered the shit out of everyone with it, in public, like it wasnt a sex toy.

dude, it's a sex toy. you cant take that to work!! you will get fired!

i kinda miss the crazy. being sane and normal is boring as shit.

your legacy of insanity will live on through me, in private, i suppose.

just ask daniel.

i just found out the other night that he almost committed me to bellvue after you died.

i probably needed it, but im glad he didnt.

i mightve gotten too comfortable with not having to work.

"once you go rican, a job you'll be seekin"

she's like the female version of you, accept she gets paid.

xx zaida xx

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I wasn't ready...

I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to give you back.

We have a lifetime of smiles to share.

To see you grow, to change, to be comfortable

in your space.

I wasn't ready.

I am still not ready.

My heads pounds and my heart beats

faster than it should.

I'm not ready to not have you here.

I miss you so, so, so much.

I didn't realize how lonely I'd be.

I have friends and people to love and to

have in my life, but they're not you.

I hadn't realized how much you were

apart of my life. How I called you when

I needed a friend. You denied it, but we

were friends, the closest of friends. I don't

have many I call a friend...

I miss my friend. I'm so hollow, so empty.

This isn't fair. You spent no time here,

not enough to be taken away...

Love you...
~Kamela

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Fw: Roses & Jasmine !

(Just came across this, and thought you would love it, as I do......./sjg) We seem to give them back to You, Oh God, Who gave them to us............... Yet as You did not lose them in giving, So we do not lose them by their return. Not as the world gives, do You give, O Lover of Souls, What You give, You do not take away ! For what is Yours is ours also, if we are Yours. And life is eternal and love immortal, Death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight ! Lift us up, strong Son of God, that we may see further, Cleanse our eyes that we may see clearly, Draw us closer to Yourself, That we may know ourselves to be nearer to our loved Ones, who are with You ! And while You prepare a place for us, Prepare us also, for that happy place, That where You are, we may be also, Forevermore !! "May the souls of the faithful, departed, through the Loving Mercy of GOD, Rest in peace, forever more...................................................Amen

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You didn't listen...

I remember one day...

we were on the subway and

I was on my way to school and

you were on your way to work.

We were talking.

Then we were about to get off in two

stops, so we got up and stood by the door.

The first time the door opens you walk out.

And I am standing there, wondering, " what the hell????"

I stood on the train and went to school.

When I got there I called you from a payphone,

back then cell phones weren't a necessity like now.

I ask you what happened, you were like, "what are you

talking about??" I was furious and confused.

I started to cry. I thought we just decided to leave.

You had no recollection as to what happened.

I felt in my heart something was wrong, way wrong.

I searched and called doctors for you, but you didn't want

to talk to anyone, I begged you.....

 

Why didn't you listen?????

 

Now the pain of missing you is

palpable.

 

~Love Kamela.

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For you to be or not to be on my mind...

 

 

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd."

 

 

 

For the moment, you are my turmoil.

For many nights I have tossed and turned.

You have visited me in my dreams,

in my private thoughts. When I am

busy I don't think of you, but the very

moment I stop, the very moment,

you flood my mind. Your absence

haunts me, my every being.

I have just realize that

I'd rather suffer through the turmoil of

losing you, then not have felt you in my soul

at all.

I welcome the pain and the agony,

because in turn you would cry for me.

You did.

You would not have been the same,

if the tables were turned.

You would mourn in silence, in the moments

you had to yourself, just like we (I) do.

 

I do wish you were here, but since you're not,

I welcome your visits, your essence,

your being bedside me.

Forever 'n a Day

~Kamela

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What you taught me...

I have so many fond memories with you.

The not so good ones, I put them aside b/c,

what's the point. We all make mistakes. We're

all human,  And most of all we hurt the ones

we love the most, right?!?

I met you when I was 20. I was so young.

So hopeful. So niave. LOL.

You burrowed your way into this place

inside my soul, where you remain, for always.

You taught me so so so much.

How to hold a bat.

How to make a stance to hit the ball.

How to cook without making a mess

and having tons of dishes in the sink afterwards.

What good music is and how to recognize it.

You taught me how to live in the past and want to

always be there.

You taught me how to hold onto the preciousness in

my life.

You taught me how you got into people's head

and how you stayed there.

You taught me how to be alone and enjoy it.

You taught me that I can clean the tub at anytime

night or day.

You taught me that I can be anything and do anything

that I want.

You made me recognize that I am a good person.

Though times you "hated"me, you never called me a

"bitch" at least not to my face. LOL My sister

says otherwise.

You taught me unconditional love.

And you brought me an array of people,

that now after you're gone I hold tight to

b/c they are what you left behind.

We are your legacy.  We are you.

 

~Forever 'n a Day

 Kamela

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Not happening

This cannot be happening, James.

Oh my God! How can I still be in shock????

It's almost been two months.

I don't know how to do this.

Is there something wrong with me?

How can I be feeling the way that I do?

All I have left is a box with memories.

When I'm my loneliest, I shift through my box.

Read the stack full of cards, the hundreds of letters,

at first I feel better, but by the time I'm done reading,

I need to call you and ask you something or argue with you,

and there's no one, there's no one!!!!

There's no James to call and ask about baseball.

There's no James to call and shoot the bull with.

There's no James to call and just say hello.

You used to send me one word texts, and I'd smile.

I'm still waiting for that CD you said you were making me.

I know you can't come back and I am sad. I am hurt.

Can't this be the one exception where someone comes

back from the dead??? Oh God, listen to me...

I do sound insane...I'm not gonna blog to you for the rest of this

evening....let's see how long I last.

James Shawn Agostini, I miss you....

Forever 'n a Day
~Kamela

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Fw: My 'Gary'.

a note from the editor and publisher: please no spam or ads on this blog. we are mourning a very loved person in our own way, through this blog, and to hijack this space is uncouth and lowly.

i respectfully ask that you don't post or email again.

thanks,
zaida

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Hi......

Hey you.

You know I thought as the days went by, things would get bearable, not

easy, just enough where I can do my daily living.

But, I can't.

I'm stuck.

I 'm stuck in a place of no hope, confusion, torment, and endless dreams.

I don't know why I dream of you so much. But it kills me, cause I feel you

in my dreams, and hope you're here when I awake. (My keyboard is drenched with tears)....

You are definitely are hard person to get over....you've always been.

I never could imagine you not here. Even if you moved, I knew I would be able to call you.

Even when we didn't speak for a while you always, always, always called me when I missed you.

God, this can't be happening.  In a month I will

start my last semester finishing my second BA, then it's off to grad school. I need to be.

I thought if I took this time to grieve you, alllow you to envelope me, cry my eyes out, that when

I needed to return to my life I would be able to, but it doesn't seem like it.

I use to love being alone. I loved my alone time, just me and my thoughts, although I still love it,

I dread it, cuz I get lost in my thoughts and you consume me. I want to speak to you. I need to know that you

are good. I want you here!!!!!!!!
I only hope you knew what you meant to me. I think you do cuz you were always too cocky for your own good.

I remember when we first met. I thought," augh, he's so full of himself...." little did I knew I was fall for it. lol.

I miss your friendship. I miss knowing you'd always, always be here. I miss those odd calls, at odd times, usually

about nothing...

I think I'm going insane.......I gets harder and harder to breathe at times.......
--
~Kamela :)

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help: the beatles edition

i woke up crying this morning.

my period just finished a few days ago so i cant blame my hormones this time.

i dreamt that i was packing two apartments by myself, and ruining someone else's wedding on purpose.

mental note: dont invite me to your wedding.

our new ac shut off because he accidentally hit the timer. it was 89 degrees in here this morning, and ive been sick for two days. running a fever in this heat.

driving everyone crazy.

poor daniel.

why was i packing two apartments? were you dead? if you died and left me alone to pack both of our apartments i swear i wlll kill myself! james dying is hard enough, but there is no way i can do this without you. they will have to commit me! make sure before you die you hide my bottle of ambien, cause i'll down that shit and join you quick. oh crap, but what if i end up in hell like "what dreams may come" and then you have to spend eternity trying to rescue me. that would suck.
you need help.
i told you before you need to talk to someone - a professional.
and how am i suppose to do that if neither of us have insurance?

i guess im stuck with you motherfuckers.

sorry in advance.

xx zaida xx

Coping with Grief and Loss:

Guide to Grieving and Bereavement

Losing someone or something you love is very painful — and it's something that almost everyone will experience at some point in their lives. Loss that goes unacknowledged or unattended can result in disability. But grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are ways to make your grieving more complete and more positive.

What is grief?

The definition of grief includes: emotions and sensations that accompany the loss of someone or something dear to you. The English word comes from the Old French grève, meaning a heavy burden. This makes sense when you consider that grief often weighs you down with sorrow and other emotions that can have both psychological and physical consequences.

When someone close to you dies, you don't just lose that person on the physical level, you also face the loss of what might have been. Your pain can involve missing that person's presence: sleeping in a bed that's half empty, craving a scent or an embrace. But knowing that your loved one will miss all of the milestones in your life often lasts longer than the pain of the physical absence. This may include the children that were never born, the trips not taken, colleges not attended, weddings not danced at — every life marker can be a reminder and an occasion for renewed grief.

How you respond to a particular loss

How the person died	Your response to an unanticipated death — a sudden heart attack, an accident, an act of violence — may be very different from the grief you feel when someone you love dies after a long illness. In the latter case, you may experience anticipatory grief, which occurs before the person's death. You're just as devastated when the death happens, but because you started grieving earlier, you may be able to recover sooner.
Your relationship with the person	The closeness of the relationship — spouse, parent, sibling, child — plays a role, of course. In the case of a blood relative, another factor is whether the person was a daily or regular presence in your life. Then there's the psychological nature of the relationship: was it smooth or rocky? If you had unfinished emotional business with the person you lost, if your last interaction was angry or otherwise fraught, that can intensify your experience of grief.
Your personality and coping style	If you're a normally resilient person, you may feel just as much pain over a loss as someone whose normal state is depressive or emotionally vulnerable, but you may find it easier to recover your equilibrium and to enjoy life again. People who have trouble coping with the setbacks of daily life will have a more difficult time recovering from a serious personal loss.
Your life experience	What you've learned about loss from other people and from your own experience can inform how you handle the loss of someone you love.
Support from others	As you'll see below, it's essential that you have people in your life who will help sustain you emotionally as you grieve. It's also important that your friends and family take your loss as seriously as you do. If you lose a cousin or friend who was more like a sibling, your grief shouldn't be dismissed as less important than that of an immediate relative. Many people downplay miscarriage, even if, to the parents, it represents the death of a baby. Nor does it matter how old the person was who died, or how sick. You lost someone you love, it hurts, and you need the support of people who care about you.

Are there stages of grief?

In 1969, based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the "five stages of grief." While these stages represented the feelings of people who were themselves facing death, many people now apply them to experiencing other negative life changes (a break-up, loss of a job) and to people facing death or experiencing the death of loved ones.

Kübler-Ross proposed these stages of grief:

• Denial: "This can't be happening to me."
• Anger: "Why is this happening? Who is to blame?"
• Bargaining: "Make this not happen, and in return I will ____."
• Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything."
• Acceptance: "I'm at peace with what is going to happen/has happened."

However, Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages, "They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives."

There is no timetable for grieving. While the sense of loss and the intermittent sadness may never go away completely, people experience the cycle of grief differently. Some find that within a few weeks or months the period between waves of distress lengthens, and they are able to feel peace, renewed hope, and enjoy life more and more of the time. Others may face years of being hit with what feels like relentless waves of grief.

Mourning:

Mourning often involves a culturally appropriate process to help people pass through their grief. While many cultures mourn differently, the mourning processes usually have common ideals: acknowledging and accepting the death, saying farewell, grieving for a specific time period, and some means for continuing to honor the deceased. And finally, mourners are encouraged to move beyond their loss and form new attachments. Different cultures often define what is appropriate behavior for various family members, as well as the role of children during the mourning process.

Coping with grief and loss

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren't comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it is important to talk about them when you're grieving. Knowing that others know and understand your grieving will make you feel better, less alone with your pain, and will help you heal.

Support can come from a number of different sources:

Finding support after a loss
Friends	Let people who care about you take care of you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Especially when you live away from family, true friends can offer shoulders for you to cry on until you begin to recover.
Family	The death of a relative can create a path for reunion, and even reconciliation, among surviving relatives. (It can also tear families apart, especially in the case of a sudden or violent death, so it's important to be sensitive to one another's approaches to grief and to refrain from accusation.) Sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry. Reminiscing about the person all of you lost may help everyone recover. If you've lost a friend or spouse, family members can form a caring community.
Your faith community	If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Allow people within your religious community to give you emotional support. If you're estranged from your faith community or have none, this may be a good time to reconnect or to explore alternatives.
Support groups	There are many support groups for people who are grieving, including specialized groups (such as, people who have lost children, survivors of suicides).
Therapists and other professionals	Talking with a psychotherapist or grief counselor may be a good idea if the intensity of your grief doesn't diminish over time — that is, months go by and you still have physical symptoms, such as trouble with eating or sleeping; or your emotional state impairs your ability to go about your daily routine.

Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to suppress your feelings in the hope that they'll fade with time won't work. Blocking the grieving process will delay or disable your ability to eventually recovery.

If people don't know what they can do to help, tell them — whether it's going with you to a movie, cooking a meal for you, or just holding you as you cry. If someone is uncomfortable with your displays of emotion or your need to talk about the person you lost, gently let him or her know that talking out your grief is part of your healing process.

Helping yourself cope with grief and loss

• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loved one in a journal, or write the person a letter saying the things you never got to say. Create a scrapbook or artwork about the person; create an appropriate memorial in his or her honor (for example, if the person loved flowers, plant or fund a garden); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.
• Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and engage in regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. (That may even apply to antidepressants meant to ease the sadness of grief; because grief, unlike depression, is not a disorder, masking the pain with meds may be less productive than working through the sadness.) Healthy habits will help you with grieving, but substance use will impede recovery and can lead to long-term dependence
• Don't let other people tell you how to feel, and don't tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it's time to "move on" or "get over it." At the same time, it's okay to be angry at the person who died, to cry every day if you need to, to yell at the heavens without being embarrassed. Conversely, it's okay to laugh, too. If watching the entire oeuvre of the Marx Brothers helps you heal, no one has the right to tell you it's inappropriate.
• Plan ahead. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones in life can be particularly challenging. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it's completely normal. If you're sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

Difference between grief and depression

If you are grieving, you may experience a number of depressive symptoms, such as frequent crying, profound sadness, and depressed mood. However, while major depression is categorized as a psychological disorder, grief is not. Grief is a normal and healthy response to bereavement, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose.

The American Psychiatric Association states that, as a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may alleviate some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. When grief continues to be a disruptive and debilitating presence, you may be suffering from depression. If you have a prior history of depression or lack social support, you are particularly at risk.

Symptoms that sugggest a bereaved person is also depressed::

• Intense feelings of guilt.
• Thoughts of suicide or preoccupation with death.
• Feelings of worthlessness.
• Slow speech and body movements.
• Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
• Finds no pleasure in previously-enjoyed activities.
• Hallucinations of the deceased.

If you develop major depression following the death of a loved one, you may benefit from professional treatment.

See Depression: Signs and Symptoms and Depression Treatment.

How trauma affects the grieving process

Grief tends to be mixed with trauma when a loss is sudden and unexpected — a fatal heart attack, an accident, a murder — or it's perceived as being outside the normal cycle of life, as in the death of a child. For example, someone who nurses a spouse through a long illness will grieve when the spouse is gone, but the person who witnesses the sudden death of a spouse in a car crash will likely be traumatized as well. A sudden loss can be even more difficult to deal with if you don't have a socially recognized outlet for mourning, as may be the case with a miscarriage or stillbirth.

While trauma always incorporates grief, the two states are very different in how you experience them and what effect they can have on you. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, with its symptoms diminishing over time. On the other hand, trauma is a disabling reaction that can block the grieving process, disrupt your life, and leave you psychologically vulnerable. If you are coping with a traumatic loss, you may want to think about turning to a counselor or other professional for help.

The National Institute for Trauma and Loss in Children presents a chart, contrasting the experiences and effects of grief and trauma:

Grief vs. Trauma
The Effects of Grief	The Effects of Trauma
Sadness is the dominant emotion.	Terror is the dominant emotion.
Grief feels real.	Trauma feels unreal.
Talking about grief can help.	Talking about trauma is difficult or impossible.
Pain is related to the loss.	Pain involves not just loss, but terror, helplessness, and fear of danger.
Anger is nonviolent.	Anger often involves violence towards yourself or others.
Guilt involves unfinished emotional business with the deceased.	Guilt includes self-blame for what happened or thoughts that it should have been you who was harmed.
Your self-image and confidence generally remain intact.	Your self-image and confidence are distorted and undermined.
You dream about the person you lost.	You dream about yourself in danger.
Symptoms lessen naturally over time.	Untreated, symptoms may get worse.

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"Truth | Tough Love"

there's an elephant in the room:

your seizures sucked balls, and not in a good way.

for the longest time i really thought you had multiple personalities. back in the day, bullshit doctors told you they coudnt find anything wrong with you physically.

test after test.
insanity.
we all knew something wasnt right.

it has to be a personality disorder, i told you. you dont understand or have any clue what we are seeing here, james. you black out and have no clue what the fuck is happening to you, how you change, what you say, what you look like. if it was me you would be scared shitless.

i wanted to video/record your seizures. threatened that i would, but i just couldnt do it.

i didnt want you to see what we saw, heard, felt.
i didnt want you to be more upset, anxious, scared.

last night we all had insomnia. the night ticked by ever so slowly. i asked daniel what is happening to your body right now. is it decomposing? what does that look like?

it's not him, he said. plus the casket is made of steel. he's mummified. remember what his ears looked like on the last day? they were sinking. all the moisture is gone now. it's not him, he reminded me.

i know he didnt want to upset me so he downplayed it.
he loves me that much.
but i see right through it.

i want to know everything.
i want to know and feel everything.
i want to know what you look like right now in your grave.
i want to touch you and bring you back to life.
i want to know what is physically happening to your shell.
i want to know that the bugs in the earth are not having their way with your flesh - your beautiful pink skin that i used to pick at constantly. that light brown thick curly hair that you refuse to grow too long. those bright dancing blue eyes, and that space where that snaggle tooth grew. your plump belly and your flat ass. your gangly swagger. your light bright smile.

i want to know what you felt like when you died.
i want to feel that, though that sounds crazy, i dont care.

im losing my mind over here. fuck it. i need to deal, and this is how.

i suppose that i should be happy that you seized and died in your sleep, hopefully completely unaware, as opposed to seizing in the street, getting hit by a bus, falling into the train tracks, getting shot or stabbed for cursing someone out when your other "personality" decided to take over your body against your will.

i told this to ryan and daniel last night while we stayed awake, watching the clock, flipping channels, looking for something to fill the empty space. i said things to them that they didnt want to hear, didnt want to talk about, didnt want to listen to, asked questions they didnt want to answer.

i said all the things that we arent allowed to say, that people will find disrespectful to his spirit.

i said all the things that i would have told you and asked you directly if you were here.

and im saying some of them here now, because i cant be the only one thinking about this.

you know i would never disrespect anyone purposely, yet i need to talk and write about these things that nobody dares address in public.

i ride my bike back and forth from work, and find myself thinking what if i got hit by a car right now? would you be there to greet me? how would my family continue on without me? how can i make the most of every single fucking moment im alive so that nobody ever lives with regret after im gone?

what spured all this was a simple song i heard on a truth commercial:

"nothing builds character like watching a loved one die."

thanks, ryan, for reminding me. i couldnt remember tonight as i was writing this. i watched that commerical for the first time last night, as we sat there silent, and the floodgates reopened - immediately, without fail, woefully.

i cant stop thinking about you. sometimes i want to, i wont lie, because it's easier to pretend.

fuck character. i dont fucking want character, i just want you back, bebe.



i now understand why people become alcoholics, drug addicts, lunatics.
it's a coping mechanism.
it's a way of not having to deal with reality.
it's escapism at its finest.

now pass me my newports, and shut the fuck up.

xx zaida xx

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I feel...

This morning I felt suffocated.

The loss that which I feel for you

caught up with me.  This morning.

Who am I without the ones I love, the ones

who love me? Am I just another another mishap,

are we a casuality of those we love?

I have words rehersed for you, words that are

a direct impact of the decade we shared.

How do I honor you, tell me?

Do I make a pilgrimage to where I know

you are not, just to feel you present?

~Kamela

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As if...

It's amazing how I'm suppose to continue on with my life as if I never knew you.

As if you never existed. As if you never died.

You of all people, are not here. God, I cannot comprehend this.

Is this the age where my grief begins, before I even start living??

People don't understand how consuming you were,

How you did your best to get under our (my) skin, where you stay, as

permenant as an ink tattoo.

How foolish we were to believe we'd be here forever.

We shared our secrets with you.

We told you our dreams, our fears, our desires...

and you took them with you.

And what are we left with????

**a brokenheart.**

How easliy those are to hand out.

We lined up willingly.

One by one.

We shared our space with you.

We believed your stories and listened to your jokes.

Took your shouting, your screaming, and even your angry words.

(with no ill intentions)

And we kept returning.

I guess we all wanted to see how this would turn out. (sigh)

My hopes were you'd live to 94.

I hoped for the stories you'd tell,

where I knew what really happened and

would correct you.

I hoped for the day to see our children being

best buds, falling in love, falling apart as we catch them.

And now we (I) are the ones falling apart.

Trying to pick up pieces that are long blown away.

Am I suppose to not feel.

To not feel the void inside of me.

Best friends we were not, I cannot

claim that title. Friends, we were more.

What falls between family and best friends?

That's what we were. I hate the "past tense",

The "present imperfect" is just as bad.

So I guess I am suppose to continue on....
--
~Kamela :)

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Keep us....

No one understands death,

until it happens to someone they love.

I still can't get over my father's death

and it's been eight years.

I called James that morning, after

the ambulance rushed my dad to the ER.

I don't know how quickly he got from

Manhattan to the Bronx, but he was here.

He was there when they told me my father

didn't make it. I felt my knees buckle underneath

me, James caught me. I cried and I cried and I cried.

My sister was the one who told me.

I was leaving work and she called me.

I thought she had one of her crazy

chocolate cravings and wanted me

to bring something home for her.

She sounded like something was wrong.

I asked her and she told me to go back to

work before she told me anything....so I

walked back to work in a panic,

I went down the list of people who it

could be. Then I stopped at his.

I heard her voice get shakey.

I felt my body lose feeling.

I asked her "is James ok?"

"Can I speak to him?"

She didn't answer me.

I asked her again,

"KIM, CAN I SEE HIM?"

She said no.

My body gave up from under me.

It couldn't support me and I feel to my knees....

I haven't gotten up since.

***

It's been difficult to face this reality.

I'm glad I have somewhere to go to

discuss indirectly how I feel, to share the times

we spent together, to feel what other's feel.

***

James,

We miss you ever so dearly. Keep us safe.

Watch over us.

Forever 'n a Day

~Kamela

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sharing is caring

my new mobile phone just imported all my numbers last name first.

i never use it last name first cause i never remember last names, so i was annoyed for a millisecond, until i realized my first entry is

Agostini, James

and so, it is. and it stays.

i found a really cool video of a dude in my neighborhood who made a kayak out of water bottles, and i went to hit share. you know, where you can email the vid to your favorite friends.

the first entry in my share address book is

jordynlynn9@hotmail.com

and i remembered when i first schooled you on "email" and set up your new hotmail account. i had my new hotmail email, and thought i was so cool. you were home with me for a few days that week, we were hanging out. you were on first dell laptop that weighed 50lbs. i showed you how it worked, and you couldnt believe it.

you introduced me to classic soul,
i introduced you to technology.

i said think up a name that you want people to send you email to!

and you said my baby girl

and i said are you gay? i wont tell. mybabygirl at hotmail dot come is kinda gay.

and he said nah i just want everyone to remember her name

and i said are you sure? cause that pink shirt is flaming. and i love you even if do you take it up the ass

and he said you're the only one taking it up the ass, zaida

and i said then why were your feet touching the ceiling? and if you keep telling that story im going to tell everyone the truth!

and he said jordynlynn9

and then a few years later gmail came out and i sent him 1000 invites and he said

stop sending me this shit i have an email address

and i said but hotmail is played out you got to get on the new shit "son"

and he said fuck that what i have is just fine

and i was all you're such a loser all the cool kids have gmail

and he said all the cool kids have gonorrhea

and i said

true, true


xx zaida xx

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Heaven.....

Footprints on my heart,

is what you have left behind.

I often wonder why the heavens

decided they needed you more?

Is there something we don't know about??

I am sure they knew how much we laughed

together.

Now there is an endless supply of tears.

of uneasiness, of this gut-wrenching pain.

I thought I'd cry my last tears for you....

I can't wait to see you...

"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven

Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please


Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven."

~Kamela

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.........

That's exactly how he loved his girls:

"She's sassy, loyal, stubborn and impulsive. She makes no apologies." !
--
~Kamela :)

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maybe that's why he loved her so

"Kidada Jones, aka daughter-of-Quincy, sister-of-Rashida, works in product development for Disney. Here is what she says about her Tinkerbell tat: "She's sassy, loyal, stubborn and impulsive. She makes no apologies." [W]"

xx zaida xx

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Dreams

My husband was very good friends with James. They went to high school
together and in more recent years played baseball together. Sam was
really excited that James was playing with them this year. From what
I've heard, James was too. So needless to say, James is always in our
thoughts, especially on Sundays. (baseball day)
James hadn't played in the past couple of years so I hadn't seen him
in a while. But back in the day, I would ride in the car with Sam and
him to all the games. It was during these car rides that I really got
to know James. He was constantly trying to get a rise out of me! Are
you surprised?!

Well, to get to the point...yesterday was baseball day and I was
thinking about James. I'm sure my husband was too. My thoughts led me
to check the blog. Yes, I am one of the 96+ visitors.

(fast forward a week and 3 days)
I had a dream about James that night. All I remember about the dream
is that we (James and I) knew what was going on and I told him that a
lot of people missed him. I wish I could remember more but I am a true
believer that people can come to you in your dreams and I think he was
there that Sunday night.

Mandy (Sam's wife)

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Venting

I guess I was a little frustrated yesterday.
I’m really trying my best to hold it together.
I have so much rage in my heart that I have no idea what to do.
James you are amazing seriously,
when times got rough you laughed about it
You will get angry but after you released the anger verbally you were back to normal
This is outrageous, or maybe I’m over reacting
I know I can be dramatic at times I have my moments,
I guess this week isn’t a good week for me at all.
I’m having a rough time with life period at the moment
Hmm I can hear you saying “FUCK THAT, FUCK EM , Don’t trust no one”
You were on my mind heavy this week I wish you were here,
Erin has been looking cute all this week
She’s trying to make her butt look bigger so she has been wearing seven jeans all week I know you would have had soooo many jokes
“Grenada has Style” LAMO
After reading Kamela Posts made me realize
I need to be a little more humble
Her post are sooo quiet, smooth and at times humble.
Shit, my last two post were loud, angry and confused.
I’m humble on the outside,
but inside I’m screaming
Man I miss you!
**Manta**

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You didn't say good-bye.

But you never like good-byes.

I'm not ready to say "See ya later".
:(

~Kamela

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Can't sleep...

So last night I could not fall alseep.

You were spinning my mind around and around.

Finally, I allowed you to take over my thoughts.

And the tears came. They didn't not stop.

The thoughts were from so long ago and

from the recent past. I miss you.

I spoke to you alot last night.

Time does not heal anything.

It makes it worse.

It makes me think

about how I'll never be able to call you.

It reminds me of all the "GREATS"

I can't call you for.

It reminds me that my friend,

who of few knows me best won't

be on the other line or whose face

I'll never see again.

It reminds of me that handsome

face, the one that will never age.

It reminds me how you won't

call me a billion times begging me

to meet you.                

I am so angry. It's not fair....

I cried myself to sleep.

Forever 'n a Day
~Kamela :)

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FUCK!!!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

 

This is really insane!! I’m happy that you are in the happier and peaceful place. But I’m like damn!! Losing a best friend is a CRAZY feeling. Some might think I’m fine, but inside this shit hurts. Okay… I’m going to stop thinking negative and look at the positive side of all of this.  Damn! I’m sorry! I’m feeling lost and confuse again. How do I overcome? I just want to SCREAM.

 

***Manta***

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Still not Ready

 

Hi James! I heard from Katia today and she said she heard from you while she was in Cuba. ( Meaning she dreamt about you) You told her that you were good. I was a little annoyed because you haven’t visited me yet. But than again I’ve been so stressed these past weeks, that I prayed three nights in a row and asked that you don’t come visit because I’m so stressed and I’m not ready. James I’m not ready to let you go seriously. I don’t want to face the fact that you really aren’t coming back. I mean I know you aren’t, but on the other hand I block it out. I don’t think about it. But I think about you daily. I’m hurting so bad I don’t even feel it. Don’t think I’m avoiding you and I don’t want to speak with you. I’m just not ready, I’m scared to be honest. This is hard for me.  I’m still not ready!

 

I’m sorry!

 

Love You Always James

Samantha (manta)

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As Time Goes By

I'm not as overwhelmed with thoughts of you in my head as much as before

I think slowly I'm beginning to feel better, and I guess that is a good thing,

but I can't help but still miss you so much. I guess the saying time heals everything is true.

The days when I miss you all I can do is stare at the pictures of us having fun and smile or cry

or look at your number in my phone and wish to god you were still here and I can call you just to say hey

I know you wouldn't want those of us who knew and loved to be like this but it is hard with you not being here,

and being a pain in everyone's butt. lol 

 

Love you always James aka kak :-)

Erin

 

 

 

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I am sorry

I know.  And I am sorry.

If I could I would have been there in a second.

No questions asked.  No explainations given.

To have you here. At any cost. I would have.

 

Forever 'n a Day

~Kamela

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Call me...

I am glad you called me back.

I know that you fight hard with the ones you love the most.

You're just so outragous.  And had your own way of thinking

and being. You always thought your way was the right way,

and we of course thought differently. 

It was about 2 or three months.

But that time was didn't speak for a while,

I thought of calling you first,

but I hesitated. I thought I should let you be.
When I picked up it was as if no time had

passed.  

I still have you in my phone.  I started to call you the

other day.....

 
~Kamela :)

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Miss you....

I am not as overwhelmed with the thougths of you not being here anymore.

I feel normal.

Whatever that's suppose to feel like.

Normal, but there's a saddness that unconsciously hoovers over me.

When it's really quiet, it's the noisest in my head.

My days have been quiet, yes, that's the word.

You always had something going on, and I knew that.

That's why I liked talking to you. You always had a story.

An incident that was over the top, crazy and funny. How

you go into those situations was unbelievable. Kim told

me about last year when the two of you went bike

riding last summer. And the entire time you told her to

becareful, the next thing you know you get sideswiped

by a bus and run into a cab!!

How I laughed. It was hilarious!! And of course you were ok.

But I couldn't get the image out of my head. You were the only

one I trusted with my sister. You took care of her, kept her busy

and out of trouble. I need to chat with you now. I need advice.

In an instant, my life was turned upside down, like everyone

else who loves you and knows you.

Forever 'n a Day.....

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Think about you this weekend

This weekend I had really good time with a friend of mind,  and once in a while you would come into my mind, but not because it made me sad so much, it

was the things we would say to each other on the phone when you call and I have to say it made me laugh

I told her about you, and all the things you would say, I didn't tell her about this particular conversation, but while I was talking to her it came to mind and I wanted to share it.

it has been a while since you've been gone that I really let my self  have some fun.

Most of the times when you call our conversation would go something like....

 

whadup tities I mean E. whacha doing?

 

Nothing

 

You coming over

 

No

 

come on I'll cook you something

 

Yeah right? You know you ain't cooking shit you just want me to come over

 

Come on I'll make you something from Zumuda what do they cook over there

 

Fuck you, you ass

 

Come on you coming over or what

 

Nope

 

Fuck you then I'll call black panther (Sammy) lol

 

find 

 

Later kak five minutes later phone ring

 

You coming or what

 

Yeah, Yeah

 

Aight hurry up biotch

 

 

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The Fucktards

back in the day, our arguments started like this:

yo, WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with you? how can you say something like that??!!

if you don't like it, TOO. FUCKING. BAD.

but JAMES, it's just not right. you aren't supposed to...

FUCK YOU, CUNT.

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!!! i dont need this shit. fuck off!!! don't call me anymore!!! you're fucking insane. you need help!!!

fuck you then.

(click)

2 months later...

(ringggg)

hello?

im hungry.

what are you making?

i went to the movies last night. i think you would have liked it. it had that girl with the big tits.

cool.

you coming over?

nah. you come up here.

i should be there in an hour. where's ryan and hunter?

oh crap, i gotta clean.

fucking slob.

our relationship like a rollercoaster. it was probably because we are so much alike. except you said all the things i wanted to say but didnt dare because i was a pussy.

you taught me how to accept people for who they are, even when i dont agree with them.

you were still a royal prick, though. you funny fucker.

i love you.

xx zaida xx

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visiting hours

dearest james,

so, what were you doing exactly?

coming to plant bugs in our ears and force your way back into our brain cells?

all weekend i
cried for you
missed you
thought about you
dreamt about you
talked to you
googled you

and i finally had some time to look at my stats and saw i wasnt the only one.

it's like you were on a mission, bro. like, you were saying,

oh HELL no.
people are getting WAY too comfortable with me being dead.
fuck THAT shit.
lemme fuck with them a little...
WATCH this, Zaida.

and there you were all over the damn place, being annoying as usual.

(of course i mean that in the most loving way possible.)

at home, i have pictures of you everywhere, and it was hurting just a little less to look at them until this past weekend.

and just when i thought i was healing, you decide to rip the scabs open again, and this time i couldnt stop the bleeding no matter how many happy pills i popped.

you motherfucker.

that's not nice.

but point taken.

xx zaida xx

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Hmmm.

 

You were on my mind this weekend James.

You are on my mind everyday but this weekend was heavy.

Carlos and I went to 7A’s yesterday for brunch it was really nice.

Wish you could have been there.

 

James I’m still not ready to face the reality that you aren’t here. I mean I know that you aren’t here but in my reality it just seems as if you are on a long vacation and I’m just waiting for you to come back. I’m serious I really don’t want to believe that you are gone. I have my moments. One second it's like I’m fine and I understand that you aren’t with us any longer. Then the next second I’m all confused like what the heck is going on. Insane!!

 

Love you Always will

Manta

 

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Zaida & Daniel: "Chasing Tail"

we are in this week's time out new york!!

along with our pups charley & hunter!

second picture in.  under the "dating" section. 

http://www.timeout.com/newyork/

click on our picture to read about our doggies and how we fell in love in our neighborhood.

cool!!

xoxo
zaida

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No one knows....

I know what Zaidy means when she says that
she your lover can't really be your best friend.
There are so many thoughts in my head that
need to be released....but there's no one who
would understand. No one knows the mind-pain
you feel when you lose someone close to you.
No one can imagine the crazy ideas that run through
your head. They can't imagine the hopelessness you
feel. The loneliness you fee. The void you feel,
when that certian someone is no longer reachable,
no longer present. All you have are memories.
But they leave you lonely. They leave you
angry. They leave you wanting more.

OXOXOXXO
~Kamela

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Hey there.....

well, I went camping this weekend and it was
a wonderful time. Even though it rained and
our tents were filled with puddles. lol But it
felt like an ordinary summer weekend.
No thoughts of things amiss. No empty
feelings in the pit of my stomach. No tears
to cry. Just a good ole time.
Then I came home....
I dreamt of you all Sunday night. The dream
it felt so real. You came to my job to visit me
like you used to do. And I knew that something
was wrong. In my dream I knew you were sick
and you were gonna die. I was so sad in my dream
and I felt the saddness as I slept. We were together
laughing and working......it was nice.
I woke up and told my sister about my dream, the tears
streamed down my face. I had to goto my room. It felt
familiar. I sat on the floor and cried and cried and cried.
Then I played Maxwell and cried some more. It was
awful. I miss you dearly. I know you wouldn't want me
crying. You hated when I cried. But I can't help it.
I feel so helpless. So alone. Kim came in and saw me
tried to comfort me, but it was the hopless comforting the
hopeless. She said you wouldn't want me to cry. But she knew
how I loved you and how you were and always will be embedded
within me......

Love Forever 'n a Day.....
~Kamela :)

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inspiration from the blogfather

ive been avoiding you, and this whole being dead thing, and dealing - or rather, living in state of denial so strong, so consuming - that i just rather pretend it didnt really happen to get through it all, if that makes sense... im pretending that you are mad at me. that you refuse to take my phone calls or answer my emails, and that i would just wait out this wave the way i waited out all the others. meanwhile, ive been working two jobs, seven days a week, 12 hour days, so that i would fall into this coma to get me through the night. but still, 3am. same old shit.

then i read this, which made me feel guilty for ignoring you.

so, hi. there. fine. i wrote it. and i promise to take a lunch break tomorrow and finally listen to my 16 voicemails and then call your mom back since i saw her number in my call log before i went to bed the other night.

the good news is, i guess, is that ive been promoted at the restaurant, sorta. long story. but im the general manager for now.

you would have been proud...

i hope.

i remember how excited you were about the restaurant upstate, and i think i work harder to prove to you that i could do it - for me, for you, for your memory. and you're right: it's incredibly fun. most fun ever. not sure why i didnt do this sooner.

xx zaida xx

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postsecret

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the no-replacements.

the secrets are piling up.
i feel like im going to explode.
seriously.

five minutes ago:

i'm a bitter betty, i told daniel.
what are you bitter about, NOW? he said, sarcastically.

see. see! this is exactly what im talking about!

oh fuck.
here we go.

no. no. no. see, james would never had said NOW. he would have said, what's a matter zaida? talk to me. and then i would have told him why im a bitter betty, and he would said, "ah, that's nothin'. this is what you gotta do..."

see, daniel. this is why your lover can never *really* be your best friend.

you never get tired of your best friend,

even when they bore you to tears.

what do you want me to do?

nothing. you cant do anything. i'll just go write. i'll blog all my secrets.

i miss my secret keeper.

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Handbag

Ok, I’m sitting down the other night thinking about you

I’m looking at door where all the handbags are hanging

And there I realized a lot of them were from you

It’s amazing how you paid so much attention to others passions

And still maintain to keep up with your passions

You gave me this Kenneth Cole Black Leather Huge Vintage bag

You loved that bag, and out of no where you say “You can have it Burger”

“Don’t lose that shit”

You gave me a Victoria Secret bag, I think you got it from Zadia, Not sure

It was so bad that Carlos would asked where you get this from, and I will say “James”

This was before Ya’ll met,

I know it his mind he was like “Well damn is everything in this damn room from James”

I’m amazed because all this time I thought you just were giving me handbags

It was more than that. You knew my love for fashion

And you knew I loved Handbags and Printed Tee-shirts

And every time you saw a cool tee or handbag You got it for me

And to be fair you gave everyone something at the same time so no one feel left out

I remember you found a little tiny purse on the street, I think a little girl lost it

It was pink and white with the letter “M” on it.

You called me from outside hype “Yo son I have something fly for you “ “You gonna love this shit”

When you came by my desk it was the tiny purse, I was laughing so hard

You even left the $1 that was it in for me.

You even told me the “M” was for Manta, I was cracking up

That’s CRAZY!!!

What’s the craziest part is that you kept asking me to make Veronica a bag

But I was being lazy, and you told me as long she get it before the wedding it’s cool

Not only that you wont be able to see my first vendor show in a few weeks

THIS SUCKS….Damn!

 

You taught me a lot about friendship James. I wish I had a forgiving and loving heart like you.

 

Love Always

BFF **Manta**

 

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