My Dear Friend,
There is so much that I miss you for.
I miss my friend, my dear, dear, dear
friend. There are days that I wondered
how did I get by with you gone. I had a
dream the other night. I dreamed that I had died
and you were still here. That I tried calling you on
the phone. It rang. You picked it up. But there was
no answer. You knew it was me. And I was watching
you, as you answered the phone and you felt sad b/c you
knew it was me and you couldn't speak to me. It the way I
(we) feel now. But you went on with you day like you always do.
But you paused and thought of me. And that made me feel so good.
So right now I willingly pause and remember you, instead of thoughts and
memories catching me off guard. I pause and remember you. The sweet,
good, funny, hopeful you. The you that in these last years went for your dreams
and gave it a chance, no matter the outcome. You did it. I pause and think
of the smiles you gave and created and the lives you have changed for all of our
lives. I pause and think of the moments this past week when your thoughts came
through my brother and sister's mouth and we looked at each other thinking,
"That was sooooo James!!!" and laughter followed...
I love when I dream of you because these dreams are so
rich and seem so real and for few moments caught between waking and
sleepiness and those always feel so real.
I miss you, my dear friend. At times the pain loneliness of you in particular
not being here is palpable. You will always indefinitely been where you have
always been, in my heart...
Love,
~Kamela
Monday, May 18, 2009
Dreams...
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Boy?
Good Afternoon, It’s been a while since I have posted something. Just been getting my thoughts together and other things I must say. I really do miss you James. I think about you every day. Since I been Pregnant I had a few dreams about you. But two of the dreams sticks out.
The first one was when I found out I was pregnant. You were holding a little boy and it was dark in my apartment. You didn’t speak or anything but you was looking for a way out the apartment with the baby. Than you sat the little boy on the chair. I stayed in the bed room pretended to be sleep. The little boy walk to me and said “ Mommy are you coming” I said “no do you want me to come” The boy replied “Mommy I don’t want to leave you I want to stay with you forever and I love you” After the little boy and I stopped talking you had already left the apartment.
The Second Dream: We were in someone’s apartment didn’t recognize the apartment. You seemed a little distant didn’t say much, you looked sad or something. But you left a big basket on a table. I went over to the table and it was nothing but blue and white clothing within the basket. I went over to you and hugged you and asked “What’s the matter” You said nothing, than I guess I woke up.
If you are trying to tell me it’s a boy I’m having, well thank you for letting me know. LOL but we all know that I’m cheering for a girl. But I’m happy with whatever God blesses us with.
James I miss you and I sure wish you were here to see me go through this pregnancy because you will be in laugher 24/7 I promise. I have gotten a little crazy!!!!
Love You
**Manta** Bff
Monday, April 20, 2009
Just plain miss you.......
James. I miss you.
Heard a song that of course reminded me of you.
and then I thought that I need to speak to you.
And it kills me. and then the missing you came.
the sick pains. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
~Love,
Kamela
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thoughts....
~You have been the closest thing to a perfect soul that I have known.
Never self-fish. Never waivering. Only offering what you could, when it
was sincere.
Just wanted to say it again~
~Kamela
Monday, April 6, 2009
Miss you...
I miss you so much and I need someone to talk.
My heart is heavy with thoughts.
God, this cannot be happening.
James, why are you not here???
Why did this have to happen to you?
Of all the people in my life you have been a
staple for 11 years. You were one
of the few things I did not want to live
without and look here is it.
What are the chances that life just
doesn't work out either way?!?!!?
I miss you dearly...
~Kamela
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Call me...
So I've been doing something really funny as of late.
I've got some new music. Just some stuff I've run into
from here and there. And I love them, these new songs.
And I'm really excited about them. So I've been trying to get
people to listen to my new found songs and have them feel
the pain, feel the words, feel the strings, the piano, the voice.
But no one seems to bother with me. They think I've got too much
time on my hands, now that I'm unemployed. Then on the train the
other day, the thought slapped my in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James. I've turned into you!!!!!!!!! It was the funniest thing that has
happened in a long time. Then I thought of you. I thought of how much
you wanted me and I'm sure many others to listen, just to sit and share a moment
with you. You wanted to share this passion you had at a particular moment.
I recall the hours of "torture", I used to call them.
So call me now, and play something sweet....
~Kamela
Monday, March 9, 2009
Heaven...
James, James, James.
Surreal. The time has gone
by as it should, as it must.
But you, are never far from my thoughts.
The pain in my heart has not eased one ounce.
But has gotten heavier. I think about you watching over us.
From heaven...
"Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven"
I miss you.
~Kamela
Thursday, February 19, 2009
6:21
I dreamt of you early this morning.
Your entire family was there.
And you were 23 again.
Your face was beautiful.
Your cheeks were flush.
Your eyes, the bluest ever.
Your voice the same.
It resonated in my head and heart.
Zaida was there.
Grandma was there, too.
I remember seeing Jenny, she
was young as when I met her,
19 or so. Uncle Mike. Your Mom.
It was a serious conversation.
We were all talking about something
serious. It was about you. You weren't
well. And we were trying to figure things out.
You started to cry. You buried you face in your hands
as you sometimes did, when things were too much for you.
But for the most part you were strong, as you always were.
Your voice was strong. It was the one I remember.
You wore a pink oxford shirt and jeans, and those Eastland shoes.
I started to cry. I could feel your presence in my room. It was so
strong. It was you comforting me. The room was warm and comfortable.
I cried and woke up and cried some more and looked at my cell phone for the
time. I knew, I knew, I knew, what time is was going to be...
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
6:21.
It was definitely you...
~Love,
Kamela
Monday, February 16, 2009
.........
It's February 16th.
I'm looking at this page.
This page...
is all that is left.
It's not enough.
You were always too much.
Excess...
My memories are not enough.
The letters are not enough.
The photographs are not enough.
My box full of memories are NOT enough!!
I can't call you.
I can't.
I have to get over with the grieving.
Period.
The grief is too much.
How could this be this way for someone so
sweet.
Full of sweetness. Giving only sweetness.
I know. I know. I know.
I have to stop.
Ok. :/
Goodness, my angel~~
Kamela
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
MAXWELL...
~You have more often, than often been on my mind.
I dreamt of you last night.
I don't remember the exacts about the dream, but it was a good one.
Cause I didn't wake up drenched in tears or sweat.
I had to go get a root canal done today.
I was petrified. I really, really don't like going to the dentist.
More than usual people. lol.
The last time, I was sitting in the chair, very uncomfortable,
especially because the last time the dentist was playing
a Shakira video on youtube, "Hips don't lie", and he was
intently watching her shake her hips, and it was making me very
uncomfortable, lol. And earlier he made a comment on how pretty I was.
I know you would have kicked his butt!! lol
But today he had a jazz station on,
and Maxwell came on. Out of nowhere!!
And I know it was you.
I know that it was you trying to make me feel comfortable.
You always made sure I was ok, always.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always. Always. Always.~
~Kamela
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Pandora.com...
So I've discovered Pandora.com.
You'd looooove it!
So you type in an artist,
of course I typed Maxwell...<3
and they play all the songs in that
genre.
It played the same playlist I have on my IPOD! lol.
Maxwell, D'angelo, Jill Scott, Robin Thicke, Tamia, John Lengend...
then came the waterworks.
It's really damn annoying. Normal people don't walk around
crying, the way I do. I guess it's my 'Symptom Unknown'.
On the other hand as annoying as it is, don't want the norm
to be nothing, I always want to feel something.
to be that tortured soul. It's the "cool thing" anyway, right!??!
That's how the good writing comes...
Always,
~Kamela
Monday, February 9, 2009
Damn Writing Class...
Hey Buddy
So, just wanted to say hello.
Just a quick one. lol. 2009 has
been a challenging one already.
Just need to talk, you always
had an optimist or silly outlook on life.
Which I miss.
So I'm taking this essay workshop class.
and we had to do an exercise and answer
some questions, one was : describe a you've known
for a long time but haven't seen in a long time.
I thought and thought, I can't think of anyone.
I don't let people in,yet long enough to keep them in
my life. They usually end up disappointing.
I've known you for the longest.
I haven't seen you in a long time.
Yet, you have always one of two of my "friends" that
I've kept the closest.
Even over the years. It may have appeared to be weird to others, but
it suited us well.
I remember everything about you.
I remember your the craziness that encapsulated your world.
I remember the complexity of the simpleness that surrounded us.
It was simple, there was no getting rid of me.
There was no getting rid of you.
Everyone else would have to understand that, figure it out, or ignore it.
I spent too long of time on this question, then when the thoughts became to
much and the room was hot and the cryball in my throat was growing, I knew it was gonna
embarrass me, I tried to think of someone else.
I tried to think of someone else.
Someone, who I haven't seen in a while, who I hold important to me. That breatheless
kind of importance, I speak to often, see often.
But after you leaving, I hold everyone I love in my life closer to me.
you would be proud.
I don't know anyone else.
I am not old enough to have old friends.
I am not old enough to have friends and keepsakes that die.
I am not old enough to deal with the 5 stages.
I am not ready to lose what I just learned that I didn't want to live my life without.
I'd take it in any shape/form.
So I ended up writing.
James.
Neurotic. Comfortable. Chicken cutlets. Obsessive bathroom cleaning. Bluest eyes. Recited stats about
Satchel Paige and made you remember them. Telling me how old school I was b/c I was still using tokens
and hadn't yet gotten on the metrocard bandwagon. The napkin writings. Believe or not they actually hold up
after many years. Missed.
So this class is gonna be the "death" of me this semester. and I think I wanted that. I guess this is my way of forcing myself
to finally start dealing with the tragedies in my life, my way.
But we're good, right???
Always,
Kamela
Monday, February 2, 2009
...
So, the Steelers won. lol.
I watched the game it was totally awesome.
You'd be proud of me.
In a room full of people, cheering and yelling
thoughts of you seeped through.
How, this is the first one you would miss
miss
miss
miss.
I thought of you today.
I spoke of you to Chris.
I'm never sure of how much I of my feelings
I can reveal to him or others.
Not sure.
The jersey.
The stories of games past.
The love of everything about Superbowl Sunday.
It's been tough.
oxoxoxo
~Kamela
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Feeling So Lonely Today...
Hey J,
Today, a day like today, where no one else can be found and not a thing to do.... or rather want to do... I would always have you. I would call you up, you would convince me to come ova... I wouldn't want to b/c it would be to cold but you would make the offer so enticing by proclaiming to make the slamminest chicken curry or tacos and then promise we'd go c a movie. Then, when i got there you would make me move furniture all around watch ESPN, although that one time you made me watch Brahm Stroker's Dracula which was surprisingly good. Then play all the music you had on your computer, and right before I would leave you would find some excuse like you were burning a cd for my sister...only 15minutes to go,or you had to show me a picture... then you would be like sleep ova...and we could play Wii... like we were kids. You never wanted to be alone...i didn't pick up on it until after well you know. You always like to ride bikes! I remember that summer we rode all around the city and u got squished between a NYC bus and a cabbie... then when you got that new bike the very next day it was stolen right in front of the Law department. You always said me and you would have been a better couple than you and my sister...lol....truth is we probably would've since we made such great pals. You were my big bro, my "go to guy," i must admit my little bro has been doing a great job lately with that...you know how complicated life can get for me...or how i can make it...we are the ones who make it complicated. So much I want to say and discuss but its just been to hard...its just not the same without you...For a while there we were two peas in a pod... You drove me insane with your farting sounds anytime someone innocently leaned over...You were and always will be my BFF... no one will take that title! You've impacted my life more than you will ever know... I am thankful that God placed you in my life...I feel blessed to have known you. I cant believe that i'm writing this to you and you won't reply...I'm so hurt that you are gone....i luv you....kinda dont want to stop writing i feel like you can hear me...it feels like you are talking to me. Our conversations are still so very distinct...I hope you will not be mad at me b/c i've tried to forget you...just so I won't feel the pain and reality of it all. But I guess we have to feel it to accept it... and by accepting it we can live with it...and when we start living again that's how your memory will remain constant, and through our memories of you that is how you remain with us. Still cant help but feel that it's just not fair...not you...not you.... Still haven't erased your number in my contacts got a new phone and everything i guess it's part of the process. You know that day...That Wednesday when i called you and you didn't answer I was trying not to think anything bad happened...It's weird but that weekend, memorial day weekend this overwhelming feeling of sadness permeated throughout me. I felt like the world was going to end. I spoke to you that Sunday and you were trying to get me to go to that party. I didn't know that would be the last time i would talk to you, you gave me some boy advice, you had just purchased your suit for the big day. When i was down you would always say it could be worse and give me some outrageous story of what the situation could've been... You made me appreciate and love my family so much more because you allowed me to see them in a different light each time I would complain about silly things my brother did or how my sister was being to overprotective and how my Mom would, well be such a Mom even though i was 27 and had the right to do whatever i wanterd. But that's the great thing about friends... they make us see things that only someone looking in from the outside could. Only thing i regret is not going with you and the family to Ireland...I have that post card....and the pic of my name in the sand...Don't think I'll ever be ok with you being gone....but I'm trying to get to a place of accepting it....I know God has a plan for us all it's up to us to accept his will in our lives...and if this was part of his will then who am I to question it. I can be angry with it...but i still believe in God's will so...I will continue to pray for you, your family, and all of us who have suffered in your absence. Miss u... I dont feel so lonely anymore.
Your Pal,
Kimmy
Windows Live™ Hotmail®:…more than just e-mail. Check it out.
fish out of water
i swear, i promise, on my unborn children, i dont *want* to be mad at you. really you need to believe this. you came to me in my dream last night after months of silence. so crystal fucking clear you were, standing in front of me, telling me over and over there was nothing you could do. i was giving you that look, you know, *that* look, that look i give you when i think you are totally full of shit, that you are trying to pull yet something else over, trying to make us believe that whatever story youve concocted was actually true! and you'll let that shit go on for days if you could, then when i finally start believing you out of nowhere you turn around and say,
"nah, i was just kidding. how could you believe that anyway??"
because i wanted to believe every fantastic story you told.
you were so damn convincing, coloring even the more boring, most mundane shit so bright like it was alice in fucking wonderland. your eyes lit up, and you would get so happy and excited once we realized, damn, we've been duped again! and we'll stand there like, yo, that shits not funny yo. for real.
and we'll laugh anyway.
so needless to say, in my dream, i thought you were full of it. of course you could have done something more. i mean, how am i to really believe that someone as big as you fucking are can't turn himself over in bed?
you were pacing in the dream, shifting in your feet. i could tell you were being "for serious" this time. there was a small gathering in your honor on a small bridge during this carnival. there were boats made up as floats, like you would see in the macy's parade, but on water, coming towards the bridge.
look at this shit, you said. i dont want any of this. why the fuck they wasting their time?
it was a carnival to celebrate you, but nobody was happy. everyone was still grieving your death. then a bunch of kids came out with rifles and started shooting at us, trying to kill us. it was implied that this was how we could stay with you. someone shot ryan, i carried him, begging him to breathe. you were gone, and it was hectic. you werent there but i knew you were "there," you just couldnt do anything. it was all out of your control. but i knew you were still there. i felt you watching.
i woke up then. just a few minutes ago. i was wheezing and it was hard to breathe. like i was jogging across the bridge the way you used to. in my dream you were so clear and so real... but there was absolutely nothing you could do to save us from the chaos that was right around the corner from the carnival.
every once in a while, daniel catches me. i try to hide it now, i wont front. i dont want anyone to see me hyperventilating, sobbing, tears streaming down my face. like now as i write this while everyone else is still sleeping. when im doing dishes, or folding laundry, or taking a shower. times like this i just cant control it, i just cant hold it in anymore. i try to push it down and make it go away, but i miss you so much - it just takes over.
so, i know what you mean, james, about things being out of our control.
that there's only so much you can do.
and like you said, there's only so much you can do.
maybe im still looking for something to blame, is all,
because im finding it so hard to believe that you are dead. gone. laying in a grave that i have to visit since they day they put your body in the ground.
instead i'll ask daniel to take me to coney island, to the aquarium.
you love your fish, and now i know why.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I miss you...James...
I am overly sad.
I miss you so much.
i don't know what to do
with myself sometimes.
Something reminds me
ever so slightly of you,
then it touches off a transcending
trail of thoughts.
The pain gets me right in the chest
throbs in my ears and clouds my head.
I can't imagine how those you saw
daily, how they feel.
How they miss the smiles and laughter.
How they miss the coffee and bagels.
Is this suppose to be this hard?????????
?????????????????????????????????
I cannot breathe...
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
time...
time goes by so fast.
laughter goes uncounted,
unless it's gone.
those phone calls you
expect but pretend not to,
mean the most.
I'll always wonder why you
called me on the day before
my birthday.
it was the strangest thing,
but it became familiar.
it's tomorrow.
and I expect the phone to
have already rung.
I can hear the conversation
in my head.
Not much longer than 2 minutes and
21 seconds.
Happy Birthday from you to me.
P.S.
I'm expecting to see a butterfly tomorrow...
~Kamela
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thinking of you...
There's so much you miss.
So much of life misses you.
I am torn between grandly moving on
and sulking and missing you.
My steps are uncertain and this life just
doesn't seem picturesque anymore.
What perfection of life is left,
when you feel one less.
I feel ashamed to miss you sometimes.
Am I worthy of such a displacement.
A hug is what I need.
You gave them greatly.
Freely. Always.
I miss you dear friend.
oxoxo
~Kamela
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Angels...
~~~"Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep."~~~
~Kamela
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
missing you...
For my once in my lifetime...
you were my "heaven scent"...
at a point in my life, you were
the sweetest of the sweet
with me.
I can only recall vanilla.
sneaking into movies, one after the
next.
chicken cutlet. chelsea piers.
ice skating. central park.
batting cages. football practice.
heaven.
walks all around NYC.
family.
Playboy.
Oh, the playboy! I've never seen before
and you, you had boxes and boxes.lol
it was yucky to me. what did I know?
Marilyn. Stevie. Michael. both.
notes. letters. declarations of all kinds.
all the girls. I was secretly jealous of...
but why was that? I asked myself why not?
how could everyone not want a piece of him???
The "No newspapers on the couch!"
Basketball. the writing. writing. writing.
I miss it.
I miss the "we" we became after the "we"
we were.
I miss you so so so so much.
I miss your ever belief in me!!
No matter what is it, I could do it. According to
you!
Heaven Scent, you always were to me.
Always will be...
Forever Angel...
~Kamela
...
I remember a birthday gift you gave me,
just a few years ago.
You asked Kim to give it to me.
And she refused. lol
She hated being caught between the
two of us. lol
It was a heart shaped glass bottle,
with pink bath salts in it.
It was so pretty.
It wasn't until a year after that
did I find the butterflies that you
hid in the bath salts.
It was the sweetest ever......
Sorry, I started the butterfly frenzy
years ago.
But I'm glad it stuck!!
oxoxox
~Kamela
Monday, January 12, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
I told her it's okay...
My Mom came to me this morning.
She had tears in her eyes.
She went to the store this morning,
and she heard a song that reminded
her of ...well you know...
She said she was sorry that she made me
cry this early in the day.
I told her it's ok,
that she didn't bring up any feelings or thoughts
that weren't already there.
She didn't stir any emotions that I don't
feel everyday.
There are a handful of people that are with me
all day long. you are one of them....
Love,
~Kamela
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
...
I'm not good at having everyday without you.
I'm not use to not being able to call you,
just to say hi.
I am not used to starting a new year without
your wishes.
I am not use to having my birthday,
in a few days, without
your wishes.
Without your sweet, sweet wishes.
A new year without you??!????
I can't fathom the thought...
Happy New Year to me????
I can't. but
I guess I'll have to...
God, I miss you.
I can't stand a New Year without...
Eternally oxoxxoxoxox
~Kamela
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
...
It's harder than I knew it would be.
I've got a lump in my throat.
This is the only place I think to come...
I miss you.
Love, <3
~Kamela
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Wishes for Me...
So, I'm gonna wait for you to call me or text me.
Something little like,
"hello".
It's just one word but it meant so much,
especially out of the blue,
especially from you.
I'll wait for a Merry Christmas call,
and act surprise when you do call.
and be mad if you don't.
I'll ask how the family is,
and you'll say your pleasantries.
Then you'll come to Jordyn and
you'll gush and I'll smile,
because I know her love makes you happiest.
I'll accept your warm wishes for me and give my Mom
a hug for you, then pass the phone to Kim,
and then we'll pass it back and forth for the next
half hour.
We'll exchange wishes again before we hang up.
Then call each other for the rest of the night about
six or seven times.
This year will be a little quieter.
I'll be one wish less.
The day will resonant with you in the back of
my head.
I'll miss you this year the most.
I missed you yesterday the most.
I miss you today the most.
James, you know my wishes today
because you see it all now.
You know the endings to all the stories, now.
Watch us and keep us safe.
My Forever Angel....as you were before and as you are now.
Love,
~Kamela oxoxox
Monday, December 15, 2008
This time many years ago...
I recall when I first met you.
It was twelve years ago,
at this time many years ago,
It was November...
And looked goofy in that Disney costume.
And I remember you making
silly comments indirectly to me.
And I thought how childish...lol
The funniest was the look on your face when
you over heard me telling one of the other employees
that I was married, you should have seen the look on your
face...you were crushed. I only did it to bother you.
The funniest of all was when we had to do Secret Santa
for Christmas in December...
I was hoping that i would get someone I knew and liked,
because they hired a lot of new holiday staff.
I put my hand into the bag and pulled out a piece of
paper. I kept in folded until I went outside, I closed
my eyes and hoped it was someone nice...
I unfolded the piece of paper...the name read
JAMES...
and I smiled.
and I've kept you in that same place in my heart all these
years...
I was relieved and content.
I was happy...
I miss you dearly, buddy!!
~Love,
Kamela
--
~Kamela
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Venus, Jupiter and the Moon...
it's too soon .
it's only been five and a half
months,
and already, I feel as though
I've forgotten.
your voice. your smiles over the
phone.
it's too soon to forget.
to feel you so far away.
i don''t wanna forget.
i don't wanna it to be difficult to recall,
you, anytime, anyplace.
it just can't be.
it's only been five and a half months,
i have the rest of my forever to be without
you.
it's too soon.
i've forgotten.
if time went by and we didn't speak,
we'd call each other just when we'd had
enough distance, ans then it would be like
nothing changed.
you asking.
me saying "yeah, right, now?"
lol
it's too soon.
i can't live my forever with you so far.
were you there?
***
it's crazy...just like you...just like...
did... you...see Venus, Jupiter and the Moon?
did you plan that cuz you knew I needed a smile.???
cuz it sure did make me smile.
like you did.
like you do.
FAAD
~Kamela
miss you...
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime
falling in at night. I miss you like hell."
oxoxoxo
~Kamela
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
..........
You made me smile today.
I'm glad I've got a secret pocket of
smiles I can pull out anytime I need them.
In C/O of you!
Love Always,
~Kamela
Monday, December 1, 2008
sharing secrets
Michele, your comment means the world - thanks so much for taking the time to share with us.
the other day, i had a breakdown on the toilet. a strange place, i suppose, to most people - but james and i had a weird and admittedly disgusting habit of talking to each other when we were both on the toilet. wait a second, i would tell him, i gotta flush and wash. and he would be all me too, and then after we would carry on like no big deal. like it was completely normal.
neither one of us was completely normal - obviously. i think that's why we got a long so well.
so im sitting there the other day, crying again, on the toilet, so upset that i cant pick up the phone to call him and tell him i feel the babies kicking. i am five months pregnant today, and these two babies im carrying will never, ever know james' loving and giving spirit. they wont know his jokes, or how silly he was, or how thoughtful he was, or how funny he was. they will never get a gift from him, with a poem written especially for them, in a card lovingly and thoroughly picked out by him (he took FOREVER getting *just the right card* for whomever he was buying for) or know how much he loved kids, or how thoughtful he was when we all least expected it - like birthdays and anniversaries or when we had something major kicking our asses or even when we had something minor going on in our lives - he remembered every single thing, and made sure we knew it in such a gentle, quiet way - like it was our little secret.
just like you described, Michele, when you walked past your desk.
im reposting your comment for prosperity. it feels like the biggest hug in the world each time i read it. like i said before, his coworkers had him every single day he bothered to show up. you guys are feeling his loss just as much as we all are - more i would think because you all had him around 8 full hours a day - i only had him a few hours a month, and that was during our good times. i hope all is well, and big hugs to everyone at the law dept.
xxzaidaxx
Hi Zaida. I have wanted to comment on some of you posts for a long time now, but becuase I was not one of James' close friends, I was a co-worker, I didn't feel like it was my place. I did not want to invade the incredibly personal space that you and the others have created here (even though I read this blog at least once a day). But, for some reason, this entry really got to me. Maybe it was becuase I love that song and I can't believe that he did too, or maybe it's because it says that James is making his presence known. I feel like I have learned so much more about James from this blog. I always knew that he was a great guy, but after the wake and funeral I had a whole new appreciation for how James deeply touched everyone in his life. He really had a gift for making whomever he was with feel like he/she is the most important person at that moment - a true gift. My dad used to use the phase "good people." Well, in my book James is good people.
I worked with James for about 6 years at the NYC Law Dept. He and Winston helped me prepare for all of my trials, in addition to constantly making inappropriate comments until I laughed. Prepping for trial is a very stressful thing, but James always had a way of making it fun. He also convinced me to join the softball team. We were both very competitive so we enjoyed playing together. I can remember stopping him from punching one of our opponents. After everything cooled down, James came to me and said that he wanted to learn how to control his anger better. At that moment, I knew that there was so many more layers to this funny and crazy guy. When I announced that I was leaving the Dept last December, James made it clear that he did not want me to leave. Every time I passed his desk he would say, "Please don't go Michele." I can still hear him saying it. And, when the Dept gave me a group card wishing me good luck at my next job, James gave me an individual card with a very personal message. I was so touched that I teared up when I read it. I couldn't believe that HE took the time to buy ME a card. Who could have imagined how things would change in a few months. I still can't believe it.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can see from your writings that you two had the type of relationship that words just can't accurately describe. You are both so lucky to have had each other in this crazy world. And, as you know, your deep connection continues. I truly believe that that was James turning the CD player on. How amazing to know that he remains close to you.
I'm sorry that I wrote so much. I just wanted to let you know that your entries have touch me and have allowed me to get to know James a little more, which I greatly appreciate. So, I thank you for that. I wish you the best. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was of course devastated when I heard the news.
It's too late...is all you said...
Consumed by you I am.
Not by placing mind in thoughts, but
incidental. Coincidental Transindental...By every other random thought.
Through my dreams.
The one that woke me 8:59 a.m.
I awoke with a pain searing through my
chest, through my lungs, to my heart-cutting it-
slashing it-then working it's way back out.
It's a paralyzing familiar pain.
it crushes my chest with the weight of
a human foot crushing an ant-yet the ant manages to
wriggle it's way into the creases of that foot-to save face-
just to head right back out there.
In my dream...
you came to where I work.
I saw you and had to speak to you.
I know the future and what damaging
effects it had and I had to save myself-
I watched you walk out and followed you.
I called at you and, you turned and walked back to me.
You stood in front of me. Towering your six foot two inch
body over mine. Blocking the sun from my face when you
sifted weight from one foot to the other, as you sometimes did.
Your arms, followed your hands as they placed themselves at your
hips. Though you looked past me, I still felt you and smelled vanilla.
I stutterd as I spoke, not because I was nervous, but because, I knew
these were my only words to you. I knew what was to come.
"I wanted...I ...I need you ....to know....to know....that.....I....I...
that I love you...." How self-fish was I???? It sickens me....
That I needed to tell you that, why???? was it because I didn't want to
feel the way I do right now??? I didn't want the grief to follow me home???
I didn't want the sadness to circle it grips around my neck at night???
Augh!! I am so disgusted right now....
But you followed with: " it's too late" As you looked past me....I awoke at 8:59 a.m.
~Devastatedly Kamela
Thursday, November 27, 2008
................
Hey there....
It's a quiet day in my head today.
Everything else is buzzing, but I feel quiet today.
You have always given me so much to be thankful for,
good or bad, I was thankful for it.
I'll think of you much and smile to myself.
I remember thanksgiving at Maureen's house,
talk about crazy!! Between You, the kids and the older
folks it was crazy and I remember sitting back just watching,
and thinking this is what it's all about!!!
A big family where the men fight about football, the kids run around
screaming, the Moms talk about who made what and who's taste
better, and the grandma's walk around saying "ehh, whadaya say???"
I am thankful you allowed me to be part of that.
Things are destined to change.
Lives must change.
We have no choice but accept it and move on.
But I won't. I can't. at least not right now.
It's not ok that you're not here.
It's not comfortable, your absence.
And I won't be fine with you gone.
So I just need everyone else to be ok with
me not being ok right now.
I don't want to explain to death why my head is hung so low.
I don't want to tell you why my eyes are puffy and red, and
besides I have no strength and you will never understand,
although you say you so, you don't and won't.
Just don't ask...
Instead I'll talk to the one person who knows how I feel.
I came across a letter you wrote to me.
I must have gone through my box 50 times already.
And I never before found this particular letter.
You wrote it to me when my Dad passed.
You said you understood how I felt to lose someone
and you said it was ok to cry. That it was expected.
You said that you know how it feels to want to have
that person here to have them witness your life.
But that in time I would have to continue on, and
to know that you love me. So I will gladly take
what you gave me and be thankful just to have known you
much less love you......FAAD
~~Kamela~~
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Missing you so much...
Monday, November 24, 2008
"i'm so lost without you"
i dont ever want to get comfortable with you not being here.
not ever. not until the day i die.
last week, you played a trick on us. i know it was you. nobody will ever convince me otherwise.
daniel and i went grocery shopping. it was the first time i was actually feeling like a normal human being in weeks. no morning sickness, no migraines, no crankiness. it was a rare treat. it was just two of us, me and my husband, unpacking the compra on to the counter, bantering, teasing, flirting, goofing off.
we were there maybe 5 minutes tops, when suddenly the cd player in the kitchen turned itself on and started playing.
the song was: "better when we're together"
here's the thing - that fucking cd player hasnt worked in YEARS. it's one you and i bought together, james. i keep it in the kitchen because i like listening to the radio when im washing dishes or doing laundry. daniel listens to his classic rock station when he's cooking. i know i used to tease you about having a cd player in your bathroom when my shit was just the same, only in a different room. a few days before that night i was complaining about all the commercials and how much i hate the radio, and daniel did something to the crystal or whatever that gets the cd to play. it worked. all these years without playing cds and he fixed it in 2 seconds. the problem is that we put every cd we owned in storage, except for the one that ryan tried to play not knowing it didnt work. we didnt know he left it in there, but there it was, and now it was playing.
so we are standing in the kitchen, laughing, and all of a sudden all by itself this fucking cd starts playing and it's a song about a couple who is always better when they are together.
and i asked daniel, how did you do that? how did you turn it on from over there? did you find the remote?
and he was all i thought you turned it on?
and im all but im standing right here and youre looking at me theres no way i could turn it on without you seeing me
and he looked at me and i looked at him and i started to cry
oh man i cried and cried and he hugged me and i cried oh my god it's james it's james he heard me today oh james i miss you so much and i cried more while daniel held me tight
see, i had been thinking about you all that day. i had been asking you to help me with something, to give me a sign, to show me that you still exist, if not here then close where you can hear my heart and my thoughts and my prayers - if you can hear me just tell me show me something familiar
and right at the perfect moment, when i was feeling uber happiness, you played a song on the cd player for us
we we all know how much you communicated your feelings through music
how much music touched you, how much you appreciated the lyric the melody the soul coming from the singers the songwriters how you would tear up when you heard the perfect verse
how you would hit rewind in case we missed it the first time
and how many times i didnt tell you that you were my music i never heard more music alone than when i was with you and how one of the last things we purchased together was that 70's CD boxset collection with barry manilow and the bee gee's and all those other corny fuckers. remember that night? we kept watching that informercial over and over again and you said we should buy it we should split it that you would download it all to your ipod then i can take the cds and we'd share it
it's been almost a week, and that cd player keeps turning on by itself, when im alone, when im thinking of you.
daniel thinks it's a short circuit, and i say bullshit.
you and i sang this song, that night, watching that informercial in the dark, acting silly. and we coudlnt remember who sang it, because the name hadnt scrolled across the screen. yea, we kept hitting rewind, and then we finally caved:
I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know
Chorus:
I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong
I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone
Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
xxzaidaxx
Maxwell!!!!
Hey I just got back from the Maxwell
concert.
It was inspiring...
I loved it.
It was definitely a different Maxwell.
He wasn't the same as when you and
I saw him.
But of course you followed me there...
There were these people sitting behind us
and for an hour the kept talking about their
friend...his name was James...
So all I heard for an hour was
James...blah....blah...James...blah...blah...James...
blah....blah....James...blah...blah...James...
My life never ceases to amaze me! lol
I was like you motherhella...lol
I laughed...what more was I to do?!?
But it was good.
Maxwell started out with "Get to know ya",
like I knew he would and ended with "Ascension"
He left my knees weak!!
I was singing every word...dancing...it was intense!
It was a good shift in spirit, in thoughts,
in gravity...
oxoxoxoxox
~Kamela
Sunday, November 23, 2008
exhale....
I got it back.
I can't believe you kept the other half,
all these years.
Now the book can be whole again.
It sat on your self,
the way it sat on mine.
Half of a whole.
Incomplete.
Not knowing what fumble came next.
Reaching.
Searching.
Climbing.
Who dares to do that?
To be brave and know that you deserve better.
That He deserved better.
That She deserved better.
Better. Better. Better.
Now what?
Who's to say that this "better" is "better"?
Now that words makes no sense.
Say it enough times and it sounds like...
an exhale...
I love you.
Kamela
Friday, November 21, 2008
...
Ok, I'm feeling a little crazy lately.
I was out for lunch in SoHo today around
1ish, and I nearly fell over cuz I thought I saw
you. This is sooo not cool, dude.
Why do ya keep hanging around me?
I mean I really don't mind! I never did, but
I'm feelin just a little overwhelmed right now,
ya know, with you being gone and all the dreams,
and thoughts, and just feeling you around me, alot.
For my sanity,
I hope you're driving everyone else just as crazy!
Cuz this is just crazy!
Maybe I just miss you too much!
You're my oldest friend, my closest friend. And you were
such a big part of my life for a long while, and then after that
you stayed constant. And I guess now thinking about it, this is
all normal. I just miss someone who was and is very important to me.
James Shawn Agostini, I would never in a million years thought I would
have to face forever with you.
Ok...now that I'm rationalizing everything out loud, it doesn't sound too. bad.
Then I think what would I tell someone else in my shoes???
I would say...
That this is normal.
That you are going through one of the most difficult times in your life.
I would say that death is never easy to deal with,
especially when it is unexpected.
I would say that all your fears, all your feelings are the layers of the relationship
that you shared.
I would say that it is ok to cry.
Crying is just making room for healing, understanding, and acceptance.
I would say take your time and don't rush this time.
Because these feelings will the strongest and the freshest right now.
Hold onto the great memories and make a place for them because you'll need them
again to remind you, and keep you close to them....
So feel this all, take it all in...
In the end you'll be fine!
~Kamela
Thursday, November 20, 2008
:/
I miss you.
I miss everything.
I'm not doing well right.
I had a "James Moment" just a few moments ago
with Kim, myself, Jack Ryan and the phone.
It was so silly. And it was you reincarnated.
It was loud and out of control and fun.
It was soooo how it used to be between the three of us.
And I miss that.
I miss talking to you about baseball.
I miss you ranting to me about baseball, about...about...what?!?!?!?
nothing. damn nothing. Because we could do that, just be on the phone and
talk about nothing. It was nice.
oxoxo
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Odds and Ends...
OMG!!!! the puzzles.
the puzzles.
the puzzles drove me insane!!
I bought for you at
Christmas.
Birthdays.
Or just any plain
old ordinary day.
I miss the puzzles.
You had the time.
The patience, I never had. lol
Love,
~Kamela
Monday, November 17, 2008
Always...
I had a moment of peace.
I woke up with silence between these
spaces of mine...
got on the train and headed to school.
then came a guy on the train,
doing what he needed to survive.
He then belted out the sweetness of Stevie.
"I'll be loving you...always"
I smiled. A guy saw me smile and smiled as well,
he had his own reason for smiling. Someone he loved,
this song reminded him of. Someone good. Someone pure.
Someone he knew that loved him, always.
I sighed.
I smiled.
Continued reading my book.
Then got off the train...
Always,
~Kamela
Saturday, November 15, 2008
I am...
"How soon my sorrow hath destroyed my face."
Williams Shakespeare
I am sad because I miss you.
I miss you because you are not here.
You are not here, and I am sad.
Love,
~Kamela
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Not for long....
Well, so much for peace of mind.
That didn't last 15 minutes!
Dammit~!
I'm there again.
In that dark place.
How do I find myself there??????
I need reason.
I need sanity!!!
~Kamela
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
My letter of Solace...
My dearest James.
I have found my conviction tonight.
I have discovered the root of the death of part of me.
It has been you.
It has always been you.
Since that day I felt that I have lost my mind.
I lost a part of me.
And I did.
I lost you.
You have embodied to me so much more than who you were.
You stood for so many, many things.
I need to forgive me.
I forgave you.
Now it's my turn.
I need to say that
I am sorry
I am sorry that I let you down,
But that name you gave me, was too much to bear.
I am just a girl.
And I feel that you know it's not my fault.
It's not anyone's fault.
It just is.
It doesn't change anything in my mind and heart for you.
I see now.
I can close my eyes tonight for the first time in five months and
sleep.
And I feel you right now.
I feel a weight has been lifted. One that has stifled me.
Suffocated me.
Now that I have come to terms with the act of forgiving of myself,
I will work on doing so.
I anticipate it being harder than forgiving someone else.
But I know you, you were sweet and kind.
And if given the chance, you would not want anyone person to bear any pain or sorrow of life's chances that are out of our hands.
I understand that now.
I feel at ease. I am still.
Thanks for talking some sense into me...My Forever Angel
I love you always.
~Kamela
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Crazy...
Reading Zaida blog post my mind ran wild and my memories...
memoires of you chased me down......
21!
Before I meet you my favorite number was and still is 21!
It started with Kevin Elster.
Yup. I was a Met fan at the age of 10 and fell in loooove with
Kevin Elster... lol
Then I met you and your obsession was 21. Roger Clements. 21.
And you were convinced that I liked it because of you. You were so
full of yourself.
Then came the obsession. Your mind was drawn to the clock at every
21.
Look Kamela, 21. It's 4:21
5:21
6:21
7:21
8:21
9:21
I thought you were crazy then
and I think you were crazy the last time I spoke to you.
This is hard.
I come here hoping to be close to you.
I feel sick right now.
I guess now I'll be the one getting those sick feelings in my stomach.
This is crazy.
How can you miss all of this??
Why couldn't you stay a little longer??
James, we need you here.
I need you here.
You were, are such a big part of my life.
I wanted you to see me through it all.
I need you to keep me calm and tell me when I'm being
a bitch, although you'd never call me one to my face.
I miss you being on the other side of the phone.
Eleven years ago, you meet a bunch of us.
How are we to face the next eleven years without you, James??
I can't. I can't do this...
Love,
~Kamela
414
dearest james,
i wont deny that it feels a bit odd to write you this letter when i talk to you every day.
mostly in the shower, when im alone, and my mind is quiet.
i keep thinking about when we used to hang out at pitt street. how'd you convince me to stay for days, and you made me one of the guys - with felix and victor in tow. i remember when you bought your first dvd player, and made us watch porn, so over the moon you were about the slow-mo button. the hundreds of cd's you owned, the way you banged on the neighbors door each time we left.
then your dream came true, and you got the place in battery. i dont think i had see you happier then that moment when we first walked in. we shopped for your furniture, and you drove me crazy, and you threw shit across the room when it wouldnt build perfectly. all your strange quirks that made total sense to just you.
i think about all the times you helped me moved, and how much your organizational skills were so missed this time around.
"You have too much shit, Zaida. Throw this garbage out!" you would yell.
did you know that at 414 i would deliberately move stuff around, and out of place, just to annoy you?
it was funny to watch you get up riled up about it.
i miss you terribly, and love you too much.
xxzaidaxx
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Just wanted to say...
James,
Miss you these days.
You're the first person besides those with me that I wanted to call and tell the craziness that
I did!!!
I am sooo not sure how you would react to me jumping out of a plane!!
It was absolutely horrible and exhilarating at the same time!!!
I cried the entire way up on the plane and screamed all the way down.
It was the most insane thing I've ever done, well except for other thing, but this was way more
fun!!!!
I've been needing your advice lately.
I can't comprehend the fact that there is no reaching you.
There's no me talking to you. And you actually answering me. No you bothering me.
No us talking for hours, just to fill a void, the one where we miss the other's
company.
You know that you were one of my most closest friends. Although you denied it, you
were a part of my life that there was no letting go of. No letting go. I thought there
were so many, many days to experience together and to learn about each other.
I love you soooo much and you're gone and I am so broken-hearted. So broken,
but you're absence has changed me. I never, never wanted you out of my life, and this
is an evil joke. But you've changed me. I've always wanted more out of life, but you had it all.
You had the loves of your life. You have a beautiful child. You have a great, great family that I was
honored to know for so long and continue to know, always, always, and love. You traveled and sent me
postcards of your travels. You worked and lived and strived. The proudest moment I had for you was when you
choose you. You choose to work and build a future. But you did it all. And now more than ever I want it all.
With no fear, because what's the worst that could happened...I've loved head first, fallen and loved again and
again, I've had many to love me, again and again. I've strived and will continue to strive...
James you are inspiring. You always have been. I love and miss you,
Your Pal,
~Kamela
--
~Kamela
Friday, October 31, 2008
Dreams
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
YAY! PHILLIES!!!
Well, James...
I know you're loving this World Series!!!!
First of all, the Yankees aren't in it!
Second of all it's real baseball!!
It's playing in the rain,
everyone has a fair chance,
and one team is not hoarding everything!! lol.
Miss your annoyin me about how much the Yankees
suuuuuuck!! lol...
~Kamela
You again...
You were in my dreams early this morning...
I went to meet you at the Law Dept. and when I saw
you, I gave you the biggest hug. I didn't want to let go.
You walked around with me still attached to your neck. lol.
Then you took me around to the courts in the Bronx and
Brooklyn and I was helping you do stuff like old times.
Making hundreds of copies, stapling..acting like I worked
there, lol.
And I woke up in a cold sweat. My clothes were drenched.
My heart was beating and the tears, I cried in my sleep.
God, this felt so, so, so real.
Just when I thought I was feeling ok,
the very second that the cloud of sadness didn't
decide to swallow me whole, yesterday,like the past 4 months.
I feel you again. I feel the sadness. I feel the need
to speak to you. Feeling lost again...
Just to speak to you again. To see your silly face.
Even to annoy me, would be the best.
James. I miss you.
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Won't forget...so you don't have to remind me...
I found you, JSA, in the most random place!!
just sitting there, while as I go on with my day...
how could this be??? Don't worry I will never forget you!! lol..
--
~Kamela
Monday, October 27, 2008
Miss you...
SIx months later...
wounds still raw.
but I see healing
coming towards me...
Healing comes with pain.
Always did, no different than
any other time...
I miss you, James!
Love,
~Kamela
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Miss you...
I was driving home yesterday and we
were on the west side.
And I remember when last I was there...
I thought of you...
it was the longest drive of my life...
The very moment I heard "Fortunate"
on the radio.
It was sooo very weird,
it hit my heart hard.
It was a James moment,
3 minutes and 44 seconds.
I miss you!
FAAD
~Kamela
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thoughts
Hi! Haven’t been on this blog in a while. I miss him. I miss you James
You are in my thoughts every day. It’s like a roller coaster ride, One day I’m cool, the next day I’m lost and confused. Every time I think about that day my heart falls. I don’t feel too good at the moment. I’m just in a down mood I guess. So many things are running through my mind.
Just wanted to say I miss you. And I know that you are happy and in a better place.
Love Always
***Manta**
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
OK...
I am very angry.
I am finally certain that what I feel is ok.
It's normal.
And I will be ok.
There will come a day when I won't cry as much.
Where I won't hurt when I think of you.
This is my time to cry for you.
This is my time for my soul, through my tears,
to make its finally connection to you that will link us forever.
Did I think it would be easy to let you go for an eternity??
When it took me so long to let you go from my side.
I am doing the best that I can at this present moment with what I have,
or have not,
which is you.
Though I am not the same person as I was in the begininng of this year,
I have changed ten times in this past decade.
And I have survived.
I have smiled again and again.
I have cried, wiped my face, and kept moving.
I will be OK.
God willing. As God has provided for me in the past.
He will provide for me again.
Love,
~Kamela
........
I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME GET OUTSIDE MY OWN HEAD!!
Fill me up.
Weight me down.
Cuss my mind.
Stop my breathe.
Take the air.
It's stiffling. It thick.
My body lays weak and numb.
Nothing is the same.
Can you see me?
You know what is happening to me, don't you?
Will you eleviate some of this?
Please take some of this burden...
Get me outside my head,
outside this body that feels not much anymore,
outside these low riding clouds.
I used to love the sunshine.
Allow me to smile.
To smile again.
To feel whole again.
~Kamela
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Maxwell.......
I know you probably know that Maxwell was in town this week!!
I knooooow!! I was sooo excited when I first heard!!
I remember when you took me.
Kim was there too.
I still have the pics from that night.
It was quite an amazing experience.
Everyone was crying and singing along!! That was either really sweet and
moving or reaaaally pansey of us all!! lol.
I am sad that I didn't get a chance to see him this time around.
I would have definitely liked for us to go. It would have been nice.
But you know what, I'm not sure how I would react to him with his new look.
I know that he's the same, and you say he's gay, just to bother me, cuz you know
I wouldn't mind marrying him. lololol. But the hair was so much part of the sex appeal of him.
It just came to mind, I'm glad I kept the Maxwell DVD you let me borrow last year!! :P
I went to another wedding last night. The fourth this year!!! I guess everyone's got the bug!!
But it was quite beautiful and they actually played the Maxwell song, you know "the one"
And I cried....played it off like I was crying bc of the occasion...lol
They actually played a few and all the girls were singing along, word for word!!
Dude, I'm really stressed out... You not here...it's hard....I'm not doing to well without my Pal.
I hold that close to my heart, you and I being Pals!!! I still have on my desk that red vase you
gave me that says "Friend, Pal and Buddy". I never told you because I didn't want you to get a
big head!! We all know how easy that happens!!
~Well my dear,
Goodnight...
Sweet Dreams...
Kamela...
Monday, October 6, 2008
...
Wanted to speak to someone.
Picked up my phone...
to call you...
I'm miss you keeping me company,
walking with me when I need someone.
JAMES.
~Kamela
I miss you soooo much
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Just plain tears....
tonight is a tough one.
I'm all tears...
being snotty nose and
swollen eyed, eyeliner
smeared face...
I can't accept it.
I can't deal with you
being gone...
A part of my being has gone with
you. A part of my becoming...
You knew me when I was the angry,
tough, and hard to "get through girl".
But you still smiled.... and I smiled.
And I'm glad I said my "Im sorries" to
you. That I'm sorry I didn't
know any better, and I did the best with what I had.
I'm glad we grew together and taught each other
how to be...
how to be still...
how to love...
how to not stay mad...
how to love the little things of
life and love...
how to be romantic...
how to love heart first
and fall head first...
how to fight and make up...
I'm glad we fought and made up...
friends first and always...
I'm glad I told you how much you
mean and meant to me.
I a mess and I miss you..... :(
~Kamela
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Goon or Scrub???
I need advice then again I know
exactly, EXACTLY what you would
tell me!!!
first you would out calling me daaaling...
then you would end with calling me a
goon or scrub...because I wouldn't see
the rational side of things...and because
I'm a girl....and because it involves a boy...
I'll always be a goon and a scrub...
anything that keeps you near my thoughts!!
P.S. thanks for the advice!
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxooxooxoxo
~Kamela
........
I just heard something and
you tuggged at my heart
it really hurts..
all the time...
whenever...
wherever...
whatever...
for a moment I couldn't
breathe.
At times it feels ok to breathe
other times...I get caught up...
the air stops and the tears
flood my eyes, my soul, my cheeks.
I heard those words...the very same words
you said once to me...how is this possible????
How can one moment in time replay itself in
my present reality????
ok, now I think I've lost it...
Isn't it said that each time we say a sentence
that it is novel and no one has ever said it
before you and no will say it after you???
what the hell man???
I miss you James!!
LFAAD
~Kamela
i hate moving on.
there are so many things you are missing.
some good, some bad, some just so absurd it's fucking funny.
all this time has passed, and still i get the urge to call your cell phone and tell you
you're not going to believe this shit, james.
is it possible to really be still in denial?
to hope youre still on vacation at some exotic location?
oh shit that rhymed, you would have appreciated that.
sometimes im just walking around doing something and i will burst into tears missing you so much.
we are moving again, against our will this time, so im back to packing.
bastards told us we'd have to give up hunter or move.
imagine? our sweet hunter...?
god, i dread packing.
and im sure that i will come across something that's yours
or something you gave me
or something we picked up when we were together
or a letter
or a card
or a picture
it's going to be another long day without you.
xxzaidaxx
Friday, October 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Hi!
I finally saw you in a dream last week. We were in the park playing catch for a long while. After the park I was at home sleeping and you called me from your battery park apartment talking about “Lets go to the Club” I stated I was sleepy and you called me a “BURGER”. I said “what club James?” You replied “The club on NewKirk”
That was crazy because I just move to Brooklyn and you always use to say “I’m not going to Brooklyn to see you Bitch if you move to Brooklyn” All I was thinking in my sleep what the hell James knows about the club on Newkirk. Funny dream it was!
I miss you James
I can’t even think about you being gone. I just push it in the back of my head.
Anyway
Love You!
***Manta***
